Complexity
by Chicapanzy
Summary: Half-human, half-Vulcan. An outcast of both races, no one cared who or what Spock really was...except for Kirk. Whoever said that love was simple? K/S with occasional NC-17 content. **Combination of Destiny, Uncertainty, and Human Mating Rituals, with more added.**
1. Introduction

**Complexity  
by Chicapanzy  
**

**Introduction**

I know what a lot of you are thinking. What? A fan fic with a separate chapter as an _introduction?!? _Inconceivable! No one does that!!!! Well, I am. Why? Because I'm treating this as if it were a real book. Why? Why are you asking so many questions when I haven't even said that much yet?!? *sighs* Okay, here's why.

I've been mulling over the idea of combining the few fics I've written thus far and the ones I plan to write for Star Trek. It seemed like a good idea since they all tie in to each other, and having them all together in one big collection instead of separate makes more sense, at least to me. To those who have read my fics up until now, that means the sequel will be featured in this fic instead of separately. Granted, I'm doing this sooner than I originally planned, but I feel like it'll make things easier if I do it this way instead of writing things out separately, putting it all together, and then having to add things in later. Yeah, I know, I'm talking crazy talk. Who said I was sane? I originally only planned to write Destiny and Human Mating Rituals, but the more I wrote (and read), the more ideas popped into my head. The more I wanted to continue developing the story and address other things.

So, what will make this omnibus so special? Well, to be honest, that's up to you, the readers. I plan to take what I've written so far and build on it. Destiny and Uncertainty will have more added to them in the way of extra chapters you've never read and additional content to those chapters you have (as well as correcting typos I didn't catch until I looked over them again…^_^;;). The lemon fic Human Mating Rituals will be included in this omnibus as an additional chapter. And yes, I will build off of it as well, but that doesn't necessarily mean more lemony goodness.

Again you ask, why does this fic have an introduction? Simple – there will be no author notes in this fic, so I'm getting any and all concerns I can think of out now. I'll still respond to comments like I have; in fact, many of the comments I've read are what motivated me to write as much as I have now. Since I'm taking this fic super seriously, I want to present it in the best way possible.

Before I move on with the story, there are some people I would like to thank. I'd like to thank lady-orochimaru, who is currently translating my fic Destiny into Spanish. It makes me really happy that you think my fic is good enough to take the time and effort to translate, and I really appreciate it. I'd like to thank everyone who have subscribed to my stories and those who have commented enthusiastically, particularly SpirkTrekker42, WiccanVampire16, Phoenixfire979, hpets, lovefan81, MirrorFlower and DarkWind, Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare, Whylite, yumi2482, naruke3176. Sorry if I didn't list you, it was really hard to keep track of all the regulars…_

And of course, the obligatory disclaimer. Though this fan fiction is completely of my own creation, its main characters, the Star Trek movie, the series it was based on, Heroes (yes, there's technically a few Heroes references in here but very small ones…), and the songs incorporated into it are not. I take zero credit for those things and I make absolutely no money off of them, rather I support them fully by buying the series and paying to see the movie in theaters. _**This fic is**_ _**Kirk and Spock slash, meaning there will be male/male romance and at certain points, sexual encounters. **_If it's not your thing or if you are too young to read anything of the sort, regardless of what country you're in, _**stop reading now, as there will be no further warnings from hence forth. **_

Now that the legal stuff's out the way, on with the fic!


	2. Prologue

**Prologue**

The night sky above Starfleet Academy twinkled with a billion stars. The full moon shined brightly, lighting the world below it almost as if it were the sun itself. A light breeze blew through the trees, rustling their leaves gently. The warm, humid air was filled with the soothing sound of crickets chirping and the sounds of laughter and music coming from within the academy.

This peaceful, beautiful night marked the official promotion of James Tiberius Kirk from his battlefield assigned position of First Officer to Captain of the USS Enterprise. Inside the hall that was usually designated for entertaining ambassadors from faraway planets were swarms of Starfleet Command members, cadets from the academy, and of course, the crew of the Enterprise. The room and its inhabitants sparkled and shined like the moon and stars outside. The center of the hall had been turned into a dance floor of sorts while the area outside of it was dotted with tables. A buffet sat at the front of the hall, lined with various types of food for the various denizens of Starfleet. An open bar served drinks of all kinds from all over – strong spirits, juices, fizzy drinks, and even just plain mineral water.

Each person in the room had a smile or a look of enjoyment of some varying degree on their faces. In one part of the room stood the newly appointed Captain Kirk, where a flood of people were anxiously taking turns to bask him with attention. Some came up to him to give their congratulations and to shower him with words of praise for his actions during the Nero conflict. These were comprised of a mix of past teachers, Starfleet officers and leaders, and former classmates. The rest of the group were all female, every one of them fawning over him and flirting, some in a rather subtle manner, others in a very direct and blatant manner. A few lucky females were whisked away to the dance floor, where they shared a slow dance with the strikingly handsome blond-haired, blue-eyed man.

First Office Spock and Communications Officer Nyota Uhura had a crowd of their own, though much smaller and of a different demeanor than those around Captain Kirk. Some addressed Uhura's interception of the distress call that led to Kirk's proper assessment of the Nero situation. Others, in fact, most of those surrounding the two, inquired Spock about the destruction of Vulcan and what his views were of the now close to extinct race. Both spoke candidly, honestly, and modestly, and in some way brought their conversation topics back to Kirk's impressive leadership skills.

Doctor Leonard McCoy was conversing with some of his medical colleagues, their discussion not on Kirk's heroics, but instead on matters completely unrelated, such as revolutionary new treatments and equipment. Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu discussed fencing with some of his old friends while Ensign Pavel Chekhov tittered excitedly to his own collection of girls how he managed to teleport both Sulu and Kirk as they fell from the drill Nero used on Vulcan. Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, or Scotty as he was more commonly known as, was taking the opportunity to pile his plate high with the many different foods on the buffet table, while discussing quantum physics with a few curious professors who followed him.

Yes, this was truly a fantastic night for everyone, and fun was had by all (except for Spock, since "fun" isn't something that a Vulcan experiences). But naturally, all fun things must come to an end, and eventually, so did the celebration. The members of Starfleet Command and academy's professors were the first to go, having other more important things to do in the morning. About an hour later, clusters of cadets started to disappear back to their dorm rooms. The last to leave were the crew members of the Enterprise. Soon, the only people in the room were Kirk, Spock, Uhura, McCoy, Sulu, Chekhov, and Scotty. They all met on the dance floor and began to converse.

"Well Jim," McCoy began, slapping his friend hard on the back, "That was one hell of a party on your behalf."

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "The sheer amount of people in attendance was fascinating."

"I don't think I could've thrown a party that big if I had the chance!" Kirk said, beaming brightly from the vast amount of attention he received the entire night.

"I certainly doubt you'd have nearly as big of a turnout if you had," Uhura said with a smirk. "You may have a lot of charisma, but not nearly enough to have Starfleet Command _and _the academy professors show up willingly."

"Eet was eencredebule!" said Chekhov, buzzing with excitement even more so than Kirk. In his excitement, his accent thickened almost to a point where he could not be understood. "I hawe newer seen so many peepul een one room like dat before!"

"Well, who says the fun has to end now?" Scotty said, nibbling on the last of his hors d'oeurves. "If I remember correctly, there's a bar close to campus."

Sulu chimed in, "Yeah, it's about a 10 minute walk from here!"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Kirk said, flashing his million-dollar smile. "Let's go!"

The seven members of the Enterprise made their trek to the local bar to celebrate Kirk's promotion to Captain. As they walked, they continued to laugh and chat freely, as if they all been close friends for years and years. When they arrived at the bar, they found several groups of crew members and cadets from the celebration who apparently also wished to continue their celebrations. Cheers erupted upon their entrance, which only added to Kirk's jovial mood. With a big smile, he went up to the bartender and yelled in a voice loud enough for all in the bar to hear, "Bartender! A round of drinks for everyone in the bar, compliments of Captain James T. Kirk!"

More cheers erupted throughout the bar while Kirk's guests simply laughed, or in Spock's case, bemused the gesture silently. Though Spock found it highly illogical and rather rash to purchase drinks for each patron in the bar, he realized that this was a human reaction to high levels of happiness, and thought it best to keep his opinion to himself this time. When asked for his drink of choice, Spock simply stated, "A mineral water will be sufficient."

When their drinks arrived, McCoy held his glass high, his companions raising their glasses in kind. "I propose a toast, to the official captain of the USS Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk! Here's hoping you don't get us vaporized somewhere in the depths of space!"

Laughing, they clanked their glasses together and drank their respective drinks. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bones," Kirk said sarcastically with a grin on his face.

The rest of the evening panned out as one would expect it to. Scotty and McCoy proved to be the heaviest drinkers of the group. A drinking contest was initiated and before long, the two were downing shots of the strongest spirit the bartender had behind his counter. Chekhov found himself feeling very sad that he was too young to participate and sipped his soda solemnly while everyone else became increasingly intoxicated. Naturally, Spock refused any and all offers for alcoholic beverages, which increased as the night progress and his companions became more and more intoxicated. Though Chekhov wasn't the only person drinking non-alcoholic beverages, the fact that the other person was Spock held little comfort for the young Russian boy. Uhura, who had been swept into the excitement of the evening, ingested a little more than she had intended, and was swiftly becoming more and more openly affectionate with Spock. Spock made it clear that while he did indeed have an interest in Uhura, he articulated that it would not be proper of him to encourage her lowered inhibitions and kindly turned down her advances (much to her disappointment).

Sometime during the night, Spock realized that Kirk had separated from the group. His logical assumption was that he was pursuing courtship rituals with some of the females in the bar. His assumption, however, turned out to be incorrect. Kirk was no longer inside the bar. Relieved that he had finally found something interesting that didn't involve the heavy consumption of alcohol that his colleagues insisted on indulging themselves in, he took the opportunity to search for the captain's current location.

Spock went to check the bathrooms first. He decided to check both just in case a female managed to lure him into the women's bathroom, but found no trace of the young captain. Logically, if the captain wasn't in the restroom or in the main section of the bar that meant he was somewhere outside. Sure enough, the moment he made his way back through the bar and out the door, he found Kirk leaning against the wall outside, staring up at the sky.

"Captain," Spock said, "Everyone is inside of the bar celebrating your promotion, however you are outside alone. This is most illogical, even for you."

Kirk smirked and gave Spock a sideways glance. "You know, we're not on duty, so you can call me Jim."

Spock ignored Kirk's comment and persisted. "If you are overly intoxicated and in need of an escort back to the academy, I have no obligation to the activities inside and would not mind leaving to ensure your safe return.

The blue-eyed man laughed heartily. "Why Spock, it sounds like you want a little alone time with me. I'm sure Uhura wouldn't approve."

"I assure you, my offer is not meant to be a disguise for ulterior purposes, but rather a sincere desire to…"

"You're bored stiff in there, that's all," Kirk cut Spock off mid-rant. "You noticed I was gone and was hoping for a polite way to excuse yourself from the festivities. Am I wrong?"

Spock gave a flustered look. "Your assessment is correct. I find no enjoyment in purposeful self-intoxication. Also, it is unwise for a Vulcan to partake of any substance that lowers our inhibitions due to our inherently violent nature."

"Yeah, I could imagine you'd be a pretty mean drunk," Kirk said, laughing. He turned toward the Vulcan and smiled. "Well, if you're that anxious to get away, I don't mind going for a walk around the neighborhood."

The Vulcan nodded, and the two began walking in the direction of the academy. Kirk had his hands in his pockets while Spock walked with his hands clasped tightly behind his back. After some time, Spock brought up his initial inquiry. "You did not answer my question as to why you were not inside celebrating with the others."

"Oh yeah, that," Kirk said. "I just felt like getting a little fresh air, that's all."

"You do not seem as heavily intoxicated as our companions. Are you particularly tolerant of alcoholic beverages?"

"No, no, as matter of fact, amongst men, I tend to have a bit of a low tolerance for the stuff," Kirk grinned as he said this. "I have to admit, I haven't really been in as much of a drinking mood as I thought I'd be."

Spock gave a slightly concerned look at Kirk. "Is there something on your mind, Captain?"

"_Jim,_" Kirk corrected in vain. "I dunno, I guess so. Maybe all the festivities are just wearing me out, but I just feel a bit out of sorts." Spock raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Kirk continued, "It just seems really weird for me, you know? I mean, four years ago, if anyone told me I'd become the youngest captain in history, especially one of a Starfleet Constitution class ship, I'd laugh in their face and call them crazy. But here I am now, being showered with praise and adoration by a bunch of people who didn't give a crap about me two weeks ago, and even though I'm supposed to be honored and excited, I can't help but feel a little less than spectacular."

"Are you regretting the results of your actions during the Nero conflict?" Spock asked. Kirk shook his head quickly. "No, no, no, it's nothing like that. It's just I don't really care for this sudden change in everyone's opinion of me. I mean, technically this means I showed everyone that I'm not just some goof off and that I have some real talent, but…" Kirk sighed. "I dunno, I guess it just feels more like it's forced. Like everyone feels obligated to think so highly of me because I helped save everyone's asses."

Spock stopped walking to give Kirk a look of surprise. He hadn't expected him to openly share responsibility for destroying the threat Nero posed on the Federation. This look didn't go unnoticed by Kirk, who also stopped walking and faced him. "Yeah, that's right, I said '_helped'_. I may have given the order to pursue Nero, but it was everyone's combined talents that made it possible in the first place. You and I both know that if we all hadn't been working together, I never could have managed to do what I did alone." He smiled warmly as his companion. "Come to think of it, you and I seem to make a pretty damn good team when you're not trying to kill me."

A light green flush covered Spock's cheeks, which was rather noticeable on a bright night like that night was. "Spock, are you _blushing?_" Kirk asked, smirking. The light green flush became a little darker. "Vulcans do not feel human emotions such as embarrassment, therefore any discoloration of my face is purely coincidental," Spock countered feebly. Kirk decided to leave that subject for another time and returned to his original point. "I _am_ serious though, we really _do _make a good team. I…" he paused for a moment, as if trying to get enough confidence to say his next sentence. "I would feel more at ease about being captain of the Enterprise if I had you by my side."

Spock looked at Kirk's face, and saw that he wasn't attempting to be humorous. No, he was quite serious. Spock felt something flutter inside his stomach, a strange feeling he wasn't familiar with. There was something alluring about the perfect blue eyes of his captain; he found himself unable to pull his gaze away from them. It felt almost as if they were drawing him closer and closer…

"Hey Spock! Kirk!"

The trance Spock had found himself under was broken when he heard Uhura's voice calling from the bar. The two hadn't been walking very fast, and thus didn't put much distance between themselves and the bar. They both turned to face the bar and found that their group was assembled outside. By the looks of Scotty and McCoy, they had drunk well past the allowed amount and were being ejected. Scotty was being propped up by Chekhov while Sulu assisted McCoy. Both of the men were so drunk, they were speaking heavily in their respective accents and were completely unintelligible despite their boisterousness.

"Could you guys help carry Scotty and McCoy back to the academy?" Uhura yelled. "Chekhov's about to collapse under Scotty's weight, and Sulu's almost as drunk as McCoy!"

Kirk laughed and called back, "Yeah, we'll be right there!" He turned back to Spock and clapped him on the shoulder. "Well, looks like you're in luck Spock. You don't have to be bothered with my company anymore."

The Vulcan watched as Kirk ran back over to the group to help carry the inebriated doctor. Sulu took advantage of his new found freedom and began poking Uhura with his finger as if it were a rapier while she weakly tried to direct him towards the academy. Under his breath, Spock said, "It was no bother at all…" before walking back to the group to relieve poor little Chekhov of the drunk Scotsman.

* * *

"Alright, in you go," Kirk said, sliding McCoy off of his shoulder into his room. McCoy laughed as he stumbled into his room. "Thank ya very kindly sir, your assistance was much appreciated," he slurred in his Southern drawl. "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers, but you sir are a friend indeed."

Kirk smirked. "Yeah, yeah, just sleep off the alcohol ya lush." He pulled the door closed and turned back to face Spock, who had walked Uhura to her door further down the hall after dropping Scotty off in his room. Sulu was dropped off first as he was the most problematic of the bunch. It seemed the man made a habit of practicing his fencing moves when intoxicated, and though Chekhov attempted to keep him calm, Spock wound up carrying both Scotty _and_ Sulu. Seeing Uhura to her room seemed to not only be a welcome change of pace, but a more pleasant end to his evening.

From where Kirk stood, he couldn't hear their conversation, but he could recognize Uhura's posture and knew _exactly_ what it meant. Kirk could see that distinctive "why don't you join me in my room tonight" body language from a mile away, and it apparently wasn't lost on Spock either. But Spock, being the obliviously perfect gentleman he was, was clearly declining as politely as he could. She then pulled Spock close and initiated a game of tonsil hockey with him, much to Kirk's dismay. He looked away, but couldn't ignore the stabbing pain in his heart. The familiar pang of jealousy accompanied the pain, but for a moment, he wasn't sure which of the two he was jealous of. He shook his head. What was he thinking?!? Of _course _he was jealous of Spock, not Uhura. Why would he envy someone crazy enough to fall for a Vulcan, a _male_ Vulcan at that?

Spock pulled away and said good night, standing in place long enough to see her reluctantly close the door. He turned toward Kirk's direction and was surprised to still see he had not made his way to his room yet. "I see that you are still here," he observed unnecessarily. "I was under the impression you were stable enough to make it back to your room without any help. Was I wrong in my assessment of your condition?"

In an instant, Kirk's mind began whirling. As he had said before, he hadn't had very much to drink that night and wasn't nearly in as bad a shape as most of his friends were. However, he was still thrown off by the jealousy he felt when he saw Uhura and Spock kiss. He was certain his jealousy was directed at Spock, but given the situation, he could put that to the test.

"Captain?" Spock repeated himself, wanting to be certain the entire party was safely in their respective rooms before he retired himself. Kirk blinked, realizing he had taken too long to think about the situation.

He put a smile on his face and decided to roll with it. He put his hand on his head to feign weakness. Relaxing the muscles in his mouth and throat to have more of an exhausted/drunk tone of voice, he said, "Ya know, I felt fine on tha way back, but I guess all tha adrenaline I've been runnin' on fiiinally ran out." He buckled his knees just enough to be convincing, and before he could begin his fake fall toward the ground, the Vulcan was by his side, holding him up almost effortlessly. He gave a stern look at Kirk and said, "Obviously you're better at containing your intoxication than the others. I shall assist you to your room."

"Good luck. My room's aaaaaaall tha way down dere," he said, limply raising his arm to point down the hall. The Vulcan sighed and began walking with his captain in tow. Things were silent between the two men at first as Kirk began to assess the Vulcan who carried him. He noticed just how warm the man's body was, much warmer than his own. He could tell this wasn't due to the ten minute walk with both Scotty and Sulu slung over him, but was a natural phenomenon unique to Vulcans. His attention then shifted to the arm wrapped around his side. He could sense the strength in his grip, yet it had a gentleness to it, as if he were holding a delicate vase just tight enough to secure its safety, but not tight enough to potentially crack it. The same care was felt from the hand that held the arm draped around his shoulder.

Kirk then dared to take a look at the Vulcan's face. As expected, his face showed no traces of emotion, but there was a look of purpose that graced his strong features. It occurred to Kirk that he had never looked at Spock from this angle before. That was to be expected, he was not often in a position where the Vulcan would be holding him in such a way. He began to notice just how soft the man's face looked. The urge to touch the face that was so close to him came without warning, and he had to catch himself before his hand reached his face. Though he quickly shifted his gaze away and dropped his hand to his side, Spock noticed the movement out of the corner of his eye.

An eyebrow rose slowly on Spock's face. In an effort to distract both his and Kirk's thoughts, he decided to converse with his captain. "You _are _feeling alright, Captain?" It was hard for Spock to hide the skepticism in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm awright," Kirk said in his false inebriated voice. "Jus' lemme know when we get to tha room."

Spock's eyebrow stayed at its current position on his face for a moment longer before dropping down on his face. Seeing the Vulcan's face return to his former stoic look of purpose, Kirk breathed an inward sigh of relief. He didn't want the Vulcan to suspect that he was acting, but he'd have to be more careful. Luckily, he didn't have much time left to worry about that, as they arrived at his door moments later.

Sliding the young captain off of his back and helping him stand up straight, Spock said, "We have arrived at your quarters. You should be able to handle getting inside well enough on your own." Though he said this with finality, he didn't make a move to leave. Kirk swayed unsteadily on his feet and pulled his room key out of his pants pocket after some unnecessary fumbling. He unlocked his door, but paused before opening it. Leaving his keys in the door, he turned to face Spock, who had his eyes riveted to the Captain.

Upon looking at the Vulcan who stood silently before him, his heart fluttered, a reaction he hadn't expected. He blinked as if to clear his vision then asked, "Will you consider my request to rejoin the crew of the Enterprise?"

Spock looked down, giving the matter some thought. He then looked back Kirk and replied, "At this point, I am still uncertain. I have not had as much time to consider the matter as is warranted for a decision of this magnitude. I am at a crossroads in my life that could completely alter my future."

Kirk could hear the words of Spock Prime ringing in his ears. He knew he had to make sure that Spock came with him on the Enterprise – it was imperative. But it wasn't just for the sake of repairing as much of the timeline that had been thrown off course as he could; he personally felt that Spock belonged on the Enterprise, and began to feel a little sad picturing himself leading its crew without him.

"Spock," Kirk said, "your place is on Enterprise. You know that just as well as I do. I know you feel an obligation to your people now that they face extinction, but because of that, you should do what you can in Starfleet." He took a step closer to the Vulcan and said in a low voice. "I _need_ you on that ship with me."

Spock's heart skipped a beat when he heard the captain say those words. Both of his eyebrows rose toward his hairline in shock at Kirk's candid confession, one that showed weakness and courage at the same time. For a man like Kirk to admit he could not undertake a task alone was an admission that he believed he was not good enough. However, to do such a thing took great strength of character. Spock's respect for the blond-haired man went up quite a bit, but he marveled at his physical reaction to his words.

Looking at the man before him, he said softly, "I will consider what you have said, Captain. You may very well be right, and as such, it would be wrong of me to deny you and Starfleet of my services. Regardless, my feelings remain the same about my duty to my people. The best I can do is to assure you I will think heavily on the matter before the Enterprise sets sail tomorrow."

"Right, right," Kirk nodded, "Of course. I shouldn't expect a direct answer right now." The two stood in silence, looking at each other. Making a move towards his door, Kirk broke the silence. "Well, good night Spock. I hope to see you on the Enterprise tomorrow."

He turned the doorknob to his door and opened the door when Spock responded, "Good night Captain. It is good to see you have recovered your energy so quickly." Kirk froze, one foot inside the room, the other still outside of it. His heart stopped briefly as he realized he had been found out. He turned around slowly and stared at the Vulcan with wide eyes. To his surprise, Spock had a smirk on his face; a small one, but a smirk nonetheless.

"How did you…" The Vulcan cut him off, "If you simply wanted to be held, Captain, it would have been best simply to ask than to perform so unconvincingly and then drop the act at the last minute. While I cannot say I would have complied with your request, at least you would have been honest. A quality, might I add, which is more befitting of a captain than deceit, even for the sake of saving face."

Kirk's face turned a bright shade of red. He cleared his throat, and said jokingly, "I guess I'm not as good an actor as I thought, huh?"

The Vulcan did a sort of shrug with his eyebrows, the smirk growing ever so slightly. He turned away and simply replied, "Good night, Captain." As he walked away, Kirk exhaled heavily and entered his room, his face still very red.

* * *

The bridge was full of life the next day. All around, crew members made swift preparations for their departure. At the front of the room sat Sulu and Chekhov. The elevator door opened to reveal Captain James T. Kirk, ready for duty.

"Leaving thruster and impulse engines at your command, sir," Sulu said with a smile, turning to Chekhov.

"Weapon systems and shields on standby," said Chekhov, turning to Uhura.

Uhura spun around in her chair and smiled sweetly. "Dock control reports ready, _Captain._"

Kirk walked onto the bridge, donning the yellow shirt of a captain. He could not contain his excitement as he smiled at his crew members, who all returned the smile sincerely. He made eye contact with McCoy and smiled even bigger. "Bones!" he said cheerfully as he clapped a hand onto his friend's back. "Buckle up!" McCoy couldn't help but look exasperated and said nothing in response. The idea of the Enterprise being led by Jim Kirk, despite his heroics, made his stomach turn in a way medicine couldn't cure.

Kirk sat in the captain's chair and contacted engineering via the communication board on his arm rest. "Scotty, how we doin'?" he asked.

In the engine room, Scotty smiled upon hearing Kirk's voice and firmly shouted, "Dilithium chambers at maximum, Captain." There was a pause over the intercom, and then Kirk heard Scotty scream, "_GET DOWN!_"

Smirking at his amusing Scottish Chief Engineer, he closed the channel. All his crew had been accounted for…all except for Spock. The smirk disappeared as Kirk thought solemnly to himself, _Well, I guess he's made his decision… _Shaking away the sadness that suddenly gripped him, he turned his focus to Sulu. "Sulu, prepare to engage thrusters." Sulu nodded and began his preparations.

The whir of the elevator door came from behind Kirk. He turned his head to see who the new arrival was and saw Spock, arms clasped behind his back. His rich tenor voice rang over the beeps and whirs of the consoles around him, "Permission to come aboard, Captain." Spock looked directly at him with his usual stoic gaze. Kirk felt as though everything around him had stopped. _He came, _he thought happily to himself. _He chose the Enterprise!_

He beamed at the new arrival and responded, "Permission granted." He spun his chair around and rose to greet the Vulcan, the big smile returning to his face.

Spock approached Kirk and said, "As you have yet to select a First Officer, respectfully I would like to submit my candidacy. If you desire, I can provide character references."

Kirk took a few seconds to just stare at Spock, his heart overwhelmed with emotion. He wasn't sure why seeing him made him so happy, and at that moment, he didn't care. With Spock aboard, everything would be as it should, and he could truly be at peace. The smile still clinging to his lips, he finally replied, "It would be my honor, Commander."

The crew members aboard the bridge couldn't help but smile along with the captain as he personally appointed Spock his First Officer. Giving a nod, Spock moved to his position, passing by a smiling Uhura. Kirk stood in place, tightening his fists. Yes, his crew was now complete. His destiny was his to embrace now that he had everything, and everyone, he needed to do so.

He sat back down in his chair. "Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu."

Sulu pressed a few buttons on his console. "Thrusters on standby."

Kirk stared out at the vastness ahead of him. His adventure, no, _their _adventure, was finally beginning. He took a deep breath, and gave the order, "Take us out."

With a smile, Sulu nodded. "Aye Captain."


	3. A Welcomed Rest

**Ch 1: A Welcomed Rest**

"Captain, are you alright?"

Kirk's head snapped up at the loud voice that addressed him. He blinked rapidly to clear the sleep from his eyes. He wasn't sure just how long he had been asleep, but judging by the damp corner of his mouth and the odd stares his crew was giving him, it had been far too long. The corner of his mouth met with the fabric of his sleeve and the dampness that had accumulated there was removed swiftly.

Standing next to him was Spock, who gave him a concerned, yet somewhat equally exhausted look. The crew had spent the last three months going on mission after mission. The enthusiasm of Starfleet was originally met by the crew, but after about six weeks of nonstop planet hopping, they were in desperate need of some rest and relaxation.

Kirk was especially tired; not only were his duties as a captain keeping him even busier than everyone else, but he was finding himself having rather troubled sleep. He started seeing strange things in his dreams not long after he became captain. He saw snippets of unfamiliar surroundings and heard strange noises. He saw many versions of Spock and himself, varying from their time in the academy all the way up to old age. Normally this wouldn't warrant any loss of sleep, but the things he heard them say and saw them do…

Spock repeated himself, "Captain, are you alright?" Giving a sideways glance, Kirk replied, "Yeah. Sorry, I guess I'm a little tired."

"That is understandable Captain," Spock said. "We have been continuously pushing ourselves to complete missions for Starfleet. It seems that the entire crew is showing similar signs of exhaustion much like you are. It may seem a bit premature, but perhaps it would be best if we took some time for the crew to regain their strength before we accept any more missions Starfleet assigns us."

The captain didn't respond to Spock's suggestion, not because he didn't agree, but because he had fallen asleep again. Sighing, Spock touched Kirk's shoulder. This simple touch was enough to wake the sleeping captain. "Wha? Oh, yeah, you're probably right," he said, straining to keep his eyes open.

Uhura turned in her chair, her hand on her earpiece. "Captain, we have a transmission coming in from Starfleet."

Kirk closed his eyes again, only this time out of exasperation instead of exhaustion. "Oh joy, looks like we're getting our next assignment." He tried to sit up straight but decided standing up would make it easier to hide just how tired he was. Last thing he needed was to be reprimanded about his lax posture. Rubbing his eyes, as if that could make him look more alert, he said, "Put them on screen."

To the surprise of the entire crew, the face of Admiral Pike appeared before them. The fatigue everyone felt seemed to lift away when they saw their former captain on the screen. Smiles shined on the faces of each crew member; even the corners of Spock's mouth perked up in the closest thing to a full smile anyone had seen on the Vulcan's face. Murmurs filled the bridge as Kirk addressed him breathlessly.

"Admiral Pike…"

The wheelchair bound man smiled warmly at his former crew. "Hello Captain Kirk. It's good to see you and the crew of the Enterprise in good health."

Kirk's smile became bigger upon hearing Pike's voice, which sounded as strong and healthy as he looked. He replied, "It's good to see you in good health as well Admiral. We're a little tired from all the running around Starfleet's had us do, but we're doing fine."

Pike nodded in response. "Yes, I figured as much. You've been doing a fine job keeping up with all the missions Starfleet has been assigning you, and with all you've done in the past months, it'd only be natural to be tired. Taking care of the aftermath of Nero's attacks hasn't been easy for anyone, especially you. That's why I'm announcing that Starfleet has granted the Enterprise's crew two weeks of shore leave."

Cheers filled the room at the good news. Not only were they finally getting a break, they were getting two weeks' worth! Pike spoke over the din, "Head back to Earth as soon as you can. Your leave will begin once you report back to Starfleet in person. From there we can make arrangements for you to go wherever you like." The cheers continued as Pike tried to talk. Frustrated, he resorted to his old method of gaining attention from his subordinates. A loud, high pitched whistle sounded through the air and instantly silenced everyone on the bridge. All attention returned back to the screen, the smiles replaced with shocked looks.

"Well it's nice to know that still works," Pike smirked. "Now that I have your full attention again, I can finish telling you about your leave. Once you return to Starfleet when the two weeks are over, your ship will be outfitted for a five-year mission."

Kirk's eyes grew big, as well as everyone else's. "A _five-year _mission?!?" he asked incredulously. "What are we going to be doing for five _years?!?_"

"What else?" Pike replied. "Exploring. You will be exploring the far reaches of space, filling in the holes of our universal map if you will. You'll record new worlds, new races, new galaxies, the whole lot. That's why Starfleet is giving you two weeks of leave."

"With all due respect Admiral, if we're going to be gone for five years, shouldn't our leave be just a _little_ longer than two weeks?" Kirk asked, quickly adding, "Not that we don't appreciate it mind you. We're thrilled to finally be able to rest for a while. But shouldn't-"

Pike cut Kirk off. "Just because you're going to be in space for five years doesn't mean you'll be on missions constantly like the last three months. You'll have plenty of time to take breaks as needed while you're out there. It's not like we have a list of things for you to do that need to be done post haste. Part of the joy of exploring is enjoying your surroundings as you find new things."

"However, due to the length of this mission and the uncertainty of what you may come across while you're on it, Starfleet has also instructed you to tie up any loose ends you may have before you leave. As always, there's no guarantee that any of you will return from a mission we send you on, and with a mission like this, the risks are much higher." The crew looked at each other rather skeptically. The idea of a five year journey through uncharted space was exciting enough, but the thought of only having two weeks to get their personal effects in order in the event something should happen to them quelled their excitement.

Pike saw the effect this had and attempted to raise their spirits. "Don't look so down. You're all about to embark on a historical voyage, one that will be filled with adventure and perhaps even some fun. Your time together on this mission will bring you all infinitely closer. Though I'm sure some of you already feel this way, you'll all soon become more like family members to each other. In fact, I encourage that level of camaraderie; it will make you a more effective crew and help you tackle problems much easier."

Everyone looked at the screen. Some gave the look of adoration a child would give their father; others simply stared at the man with a great deal of respect in their eyes. Kirk's face portrayed a mix of these things. With a smile, he spoke, "Understood Admiral. We'll set a course for Earth immediately."

Pike nodded. "We look forward to seeing you all back on Earth. Pike out."

Pike's face disappeared as the screen went black. The entire bridge was silent, each crew member contemplating all they heard. Kirk took a deep breath and returned to his chair. He pressed a button on his arm rest and began to speak. "This is Captain Kirk speaking. We have just received word from Starfleet that we will be heading back to Earth for two weeks of shore leave. Once we check in, we'll be provided with transportation to anywhere we want to go, so those of you who have family on different planets will be allowed to return home." He paused, thinking of how to word his next statement carefully. "At the conclusion of our shore leave, we will be embarking on a five year long exploration mission into the uncharted regions of space. Due to the length of time we will spend away from Starfleet, we have been advised to take care of any unfinished business during leave."

Kirk paused again, the graveness of his words draining the energy out of him. He looked at Sulu and asked, "Sulu, how long will it take us to get to Earth from our present location?" Sulu turned to face Kirk and said, "At maximum warp, about a day, sir." Kirk took another breath, and then continued, "We're changing course back to Earth now. All crew members should prepare for departure as soon as possible, as we'll be arriving sometime tomorrow. Kirk out."

Everyone on the bridge stared at Kirk as he ended his announcement. Still, no one spoke. He may have been a bit of a glutton for attention, but the way his crew looked at him made him very uneasy. "Sulu, set a course for Earth, maximum warp."

Sulu nodded and responded, "Aye sir." As he set the coordinates and speed, Kirk rose from his seat and walked over to the elevator. All eyes were still on him, as if they were waiting for some signal to begin movement. He looked around, making brief eye contact with everyone besides Sulu. He smiled his signature smile and said, "Well come on everyone, put those smiles back on your faces! We're going home!"

The moment the elevator door closed, his smile quickly vanished. He sighed a sigh that sounded as if his spirit was leaving his body. He understood exactly why everyone looked the way they did. It wasn't that they weren't happy to go home; being faced with their mortality so early in their lives was a bit of a mood killer.

The door to the elevator opened sooner than Kirk expected. Apparently his exhaustion was making him lose all track of time. He stumbled out of the elevator and walked down the hallway rather unsteadily. The moment he entered his room, he pressed his back against the door, rubbing his eyes wearily. The last 20 minutes had proved to be more taxing than the last three months. At least now he'd be able to get some real sleep. He moved across the room and flopped onto his bed face first. His nose wrinkled at the uncomfortable firmness of the bed. He made a mental note to head straight for his old bed as soon as he arrived back home. The Starfleet beds were as stiff as their rules and regulations.

No sooner than he had started to doze off did he hear a knock on his door. He grabbed a pillow and covered his head with it. "_GO AWAAAAAAAY!!!_" he screamed, fully aware of how muffled his voice was. All he wanted was some rest. Was that really so much for him to ask for? The door knocked again. The person on the other side obviously hadn't heard him scream, or at least they didn't care. Giving a sigh of defeat, he pushed off the bed and flipped in to a sitting position on the bed. The pillow tumbled off his head and landed behind him. Whoever insisted on disturbing him had better have a damned good reason for doing so.

Trying his best not to let his voice reveal his irritation, Kirk called out, "Come in!"

The door opened to reveal Spock in his signature pose: body rigid, head up, arms behind his back. _How nice, _Kirk thought sourly. _My first officer has decided to grace me with his presence. However would I have been able to start my vacation without it? _The Vulcan walked into Kirk's room, staring blankly off into space. Venomously, Kirk spat, "Spock, I just announced that we're going to be taking two weeks off and that everyone needs to start prepping for our arrival at Starfleet tomorrow. Shouldn't you be in your room packing?!?"

The Vulcan decided to ignore Kirk's tone of voice. "I am sorry to disturb you Captain," Spock began, his formal voice grating on Kirk's already sensitive nerves. "I am aware that we are officially on leave and that reasonably, you desire a chance to rest. I do however have a formal request that I would like to present to you before you leave the Enterprise."

Kirk dropped his head and sighed. "Spock, how is it as intelligent as you are, you seem to have trouble getting it through your head that I want you to call me 'Jim' when we're off duty, not 'Captain'?"

Spock raised an eyebrow, but still did not make eye contact. "I regret to inform you that I am unable to comply with your request. It is my training as an officer that prevents me from addressing a superior in such an informal way, especially when making a request."

"I realize that, but come on, is it _really _that hard for you to address me informally when we're in an informal environment? For Pete's sake Spock, we're in my quarters! Formal request or not, there's no one around to judge you for addressing me by my first name!" He stood up, strode up to Spock, grabbed his shoulders, and gently shook him. "Loosen up a bit!"

"Captain, I would prefer you avoid making physical contact with me in such a way," Spock said, a look of discomfort leaking through his stoic mask.

Kirk released Spock's shoulders and sighed, shaking his head. "Alright, alright. We'll work on that some other time. Anyway, what's this 'formal request' of yours that just can't wait?" Spock regained his composure and returned to his statuesque pose. "Captain, I wish you to tell me about what really happened with Spock Prime during your…visit…to Delta Vega."

It was Kirk's turn to have his eyebrows rise on his forehead. While he knew the time would come for him to inquire about it, he still wasn't prepared to handle the situation, even after three months had passed. "Spock…" he said, futilely hoping his tone of voice would deter the Vulcan from inquiring any further. "You know just as well as I do that I can't tell you about that."

No dice. "I understand your reluctance to reveal the truth. However, I feel as Spock Prime's younger self, I have a right to know what the future holds for me."

"You think because you and Spock are the same person, you have more of a right to know about his timeline than I do?" Kirk laughed. "Do you realize how many rules he broke by telling _me_ what happened? Do you? Do you realize that I know everything that would have been if Nero never appeared? My father would still be alive…"

"…as would my mother, as well as the entire planet Vulcan." Spock's patience with his captain was beginning to wane. Somehow Kirk always managed to make situations such as this all about him, and it wasn't something he was willing to deal with at that moment. "Do not perchance to think that Nero's appearance has only affected you. For that exact reason, I feel I am entitled…"

"…you don't get it do you?!?" Kirk's temper began to rise. "The whole reason Spock Prime told me _anything_ was because _you_ being captain of the Enterprise would have lead to our _deaths!_ If you think Nero showing up screwed up the timeline, imagine the magnitude our deaths would have created! But no, you're so wrapped up in yourself, thinking you're better than everyone else, just because you're _half_ Vulcan, you can't get over the fact that I know something you don't! Well Spock, this is one thing only _I _was supposed to know, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my human ass!!!"

Without realizing it, Kirk had gotten so caught up in his retort that he had become mere centimeters away from Spock's face. For the first time since his return from Delta Vega, he had gazed deep into his eyes. The fire of rage burned deeply beneath the surface as Spock struggled to keep his emotions in check. Memories of the mind meld flashed before his eyes, causing a wave of emotions to sweep over him and wash away his anger. He quickly turned away and rubbed the back of his head while Spock blinked rapidly in surprise at his sudden change in demeanor.

Spock's eyes lowered toward the ground. In a calm voice, he said, "It seems it was a mistake to bring the subject up at this time as you are tired, and thusly even more volatile than usual. I retract my request for information, Captain. If you'll excuse me, I will retire to my quarters and prepare for our arrival at Starfleet."

"Spock, wait!" Just as Spock turned to leave, Kirk quickly turned and put a hand on his shoulder. Spock gazed at the hand on his shoulder, then at Kirk's face. Kirk just as quickly removed his hand. "Sorry, forgot about the whole touching thing." He cleared his throat and stepped back to give Spock more space as he turned back around to face the interior of the room. Kirk took a deep breath, and then sighed. "I promised Spock Prime I wouldn't tell you, but if you're that determined to find out, I can give you coordinates for where he is now."

Spock's eyebrow perked up. "Spock Prime entrusted you with the coordinates for the New Vulcan colony?" This was rather unexpected. Why had he entrusted Kirk with his location instead of him? After what he said about there being too few Vulcans for them to be strangers to each other, logically his coordinates would have been given to Spock, not to Kirk. Could his old age rattled his logic or was this version of him less logical in general?

"Yeah, he did." Kirk's shoulders slumped in defeat as he moved to his nightstand and pulled open a drawer. After shifting some papers around, he pulled out a small square of paper with handwriting on it. Kirk closed the drawer and handed the paper to Spock, who reviewed the coordinates Spock wrote in Vulcan. "Spock Prime knew you'd want to know the truth yourself eventually. I was kinda hoping it'd be long after he had passed, but considering how long you Vulcans live, I had a hunch it'd be much sooner rather than later."

Spock looked down at coordinates a little longer before looking at Kirk. "Was your outburst another ruse to force me to follow the natural order of events?"

A smirk spread on Kirk's face. "Almost worked too, didn't it?"

Wonder and amazement snuck past Spock's icy control and shined brightly on his face. "Either you have a penchant for dragging emotional responses out of me, or you are possibly the worst sadist in human history." Kirk chuckled. "Perhaps it's a bit of both." He stepped forward and extended his hand to Spock. "Good luck Spock. I hope you know what you're getting into."

At first Spock simply eyed the hand Kirk had offered to him. Vulcans avoided physical contact with others as much as possible, especially hand to hand contact. However, the situation seemed to warrant such contact and would most likely not be deemed inappropriate. He slowly extended his hand and gave Kirk a tight, sincere handshake, ignoring the shivers it sent up his arm and down his spine. "You have my thanks, Captain. I hope I do as well."

The Vulcan turned and promptly left the room, leaving Kirk alone at last. Kirk exhaled sharply in relief. The situation was a rather tense and uncomfortable one, but it seemed to go well. He raised the hand that shook Spock's up to his face. He could still feel the unique warmth from Spock's hand on his. More snippets of memories flashed before his eyes and he swiftly slapped his hand down on his side. He sat down hard on his bed and sighed tiredly. Removing his shirt, boots, and pants, he pulled the covers over his body and made himself more comfortable. He turned off the light to his room and laid his head on the pillow. The moment his eyes closed, he was asleep.


	4. Going Home

**Ch 2: Going Home**

The next 24 hours on the Enterprise were a bit of a blur for its crew. When people weren't sleeping, they were packing, and when they weren't doing that, they were chatting excitedly about the shore leave and the mission that followed after it. The mess hall had a constant stream of people coming in and out of it, fueling themselves before their arrival at Starfleet. If you were a fly on the wall of the hallways, you'd hear a dull roar of sound coming from all directions.

For some, the Enterprise's arrival at Starfleet came far too quickly; for others, it too far too long. Regardless, every crew member was completely prepared to disembark after the Enterprise docked. Shuttles sent everyone down to the surface of Earth, where they would all go their separate ways.

Spock and Uhura emerged from one shuttle. Per Uhura's request, they sat together on the ride down. Spock was unsure why she insisted on sitting right next to him, but it didn't displease him to be in her company. She seemed to be extremely excited to have the chance to go back to her home in Africa, as she chatted about it the entire flight. Spock listened politely, but found his attention drifting before long.

His attention snapped back to her when he heard her ask, "So, how are you spending your shore leave?"

He looked at her and replied, "I have acquired the coordinates for the new Vulcan colony and plan to spend some time monitoring their progress."

Uhura smiled sadly when she heard him say this. "That's good," she said. "I'm glad that you'll be able to spend some time with your people. I kind of wish you'd come with me to meet my family, but I understand that being with what's left of your race while we have the time is more important."

"You have my thanks for your comprehension of my situation," Spock said, a little too formally. Seeing the sadness in her face, he softened his tone. "I do hope that you enjoy your time with your family. I will miss being in your company these next two weeks."

Uhura leaned forward, her lips puckered for a kiss. Spock moved to meet her lips and they shared a sweet yet simple kiss. Uhura was mindful of how Spock felt about these public displays of affection she was privy to, but that didn't mean she refrained from indulging herself in them when the situation called for it. They received a few smirks from people around them, but they didn't notice a single one. They also didn't notice the searing look Kirk found himself giving them either.

With a final smile, she said, "Don't forget about me while we're apart, okay? I'll be thinking about you every day." Spock nodded in kind, but said nothing. He watched her walk away until his attention was abruptly shifted to the slap on his back. He turned to see where the unwanted physical contact had come from, and as he expected, there his captain stood beside him.

"Rather touching parting, no?" Kirk said sarcastically. "Here's hoping she doesn't find an old flame back home and loses all interest in you."

Spock's eyes closed briefly, a sign that he was irritated but was trying his hardest not to show it. In the last three months, Kirk had started to pick up on some of his ever so slight shows of emotion. He smirked as the Vulcan gave just the reaction he was aiming for but decided against irritating him any further. He changed the subject by asking in earnest, "So, will you be hopping on a shuttle and just scooting off? Or will you have to personally request permission from Starfleet to visit the new Vulcan colony?"

"I will approach Starfleet personally and request that I be granted full use of a shuttle to travel to Vulcan alone," Spock replied. "I do not wish to be at the mercy of Starfleet for the duration of my visit, as I do not plan to spend the entirety of my shore leave there."

Kirk looked at Spock strangely. "Why wouldn't you want to spend your entire visit on Vulcan?" he asked, genuinely curious. "You have no idea how long it'll be before you can go back. Besides, I'm sure you're going to be spending plenty of time with Spock Prime."

"On the contrary," Spock interjected, "I plan only to spend a few hours at most with Spock Prime. I seek him out solely for information, and seeing as he is an older version of myself, he will logically only expect to see me for as long as it takes to give me the information I desire."

With a shrug of his shoulders, Kirk smiled. "To each his own I guess. Is it safe to assume you want to cut your visit short to spend some time with Uhura?"

Spock stared at Kirk. "You seem to take quite an interest in my relationship with Nyota. Is there a reason for it?"

Without warning, Kirk felt his face grow warm. "No! Of course not! Why should I care about you and Uhura? You know, minus the fact you're the only one she's volunteered her first name to, and the fact that every time I see you two you seem to be cuddling or kissing or whispering in each others ears…"

"Captain," Spock interrupted. "Would it be accurate for me to assume that you are experiencing jealousy of my relationship with Nyota?"

His face went from warm to hot as more blood rushed to his cheeks. Though it was very subtle, he could tell that the corner of Spock's mouth was perked upward in a smirk. Something about Spock being cheeky with him both flustered and infuriated him. Pulling his bag over his shoulder, he stomped away as he yelled, "Have a good trip or whatever. Just spare me the details when we get back, alright?"

The Vulcan watched in mild amusement as Kirk moved further and further away as quickly as he could without running. As always, out of all the humans that he worked with and came to know, Kirk proved to be the most fascinating one of them all.

* * *

"Jimmy! It's so good to see you!" his mom cried happily as her youngest son pulled up on his motorcycle. Kirk had been extremely fortunate that the man he tossed his keys to when he decided to join Starfleet was the epitome of honesty. Instead of keeping it, like Kirk had intended, he gave the keys to Admiral Pike, who reprimanded Kirk for "haphazardly throwing away such a beautiful bike". The bike was then put into storage, waiting for the inevitable day when Kirk returned to Earth and wanted to ride it again.

Winona Kirk gave her son little time to get off of his motorcycle before running up to him and hugging him tightly. He smiled and kissed her on her forehead. "It's good to see you too mom. Where's whats-his-name?" The smile on Winona's face became a frown rather quickly. "Jim, honestly, I know you don't care for your step-father, but you could at least call him by his name." When he didn't respond, she sighed and said, "He's inside, waiting for you. You know, he was actually very proud to say his step-son was the youngest captain in the history of Starfleet."

"Oh that's great," he said sarcastically. "He only gives a shit about me when I'm worth bragging about."

"_Jim!_" his mother said sternly. "I may have missed you while you're away, but I will _not _have you and your step-father fighting the entire time that you're here!"

Kirk sighed in resignation. He really didn't want to upset his mom, but that didn't change his utter hatred for the man she decided to marry. Deciding it wasn't worth it to continue talking about it, he brought up what he hoped would be a less touchy subject. "How's George doing? Are he and his family going to come and visit while I'm here?"

The look of irritation on his mother's face didn't go away. In fact, he thought he saw it get a little worse. _Great, _he thought. _Apparently that wasn't a good subject to bring up either… _Without making eye contact, she said, "He doesn't like bringing his family over to visit very much because of your step-father. It's a shame I can't get my sons to at least _pretend _they like their step-father after all these years." She turned to look at her son. "He's told me that he's busy for the next couple of weeks, but he'll be able to see you off before you go."

Kirk laughed lightly. "Well, I guess a goodbye is better than nothing at all. How's his wife and kids."

Finally, he found a subject that didn't ruffle his mother's feathers. Though it was small, a smile returned to her beautiful face. "They're doing well. You should see the boys; they've all gotten so big so fast. His wife is just as lovely as she was the last time you saw her, and just as happy if not happier." She gave a small laugh, her smile growing bigger. "She's actually talking about trying for another child."

"_Another?_" Kirk exclaimed. "She's already got three boys! How many more kids does she want?!?"

Kirk's mother laughed a little harder. "It's _because _she has three boys that she wants to try again. She's always wanted a baby girl, and from how it looks, she's going to keep trying until she gets one!" Kirk shook his head. "I don't think she really wants another child, I think she just enjoys the practice!"

He laughed as his mother swatted his arm. "Oh stop! You're such a little lecher! What happened to the sweet baby boy I remember?"

"He learned to walk and talk," joked Kirk. "Once that happened, sweet went out the window!"

Winona laughed so hard she found herself gasping for air. The two laughed together and then smiled at each other. She gave her son another hug and said, "It's good to have you home, Jim. I missed you so much."

Kirk held his mother tight. "I missed you too mom." Pulling her away, he asked, "Wanna know what else I missed?" She smiled knowingly and asked, "What?"

With a hug grin, Kirk shouted, "My soft bed!" and ran into the house. His mother soon joined him, laughing at her silly little boy.

* * *

Spock's shuttle landed on the small planetoid not far from where Vulcan once floated. As opposed to Delta Vega and what was formerly Vulcan, this planet was warm and humid, with green foliage all around. He pulled the paper Kirk had given him from his pocket and re-read the exact coordinates. According to what Spock had written, there should be a Vulcan colony not far from where he landed. While it would be more logical to simply land in the colony itself, he did not want to openly announce to Spock Prime that he had come looking for him.

After walking for some time and making note of some of the flora and fauna he passed, Spock finally entered the colony that now housed what was left of the Vulcans. Memories of his home planet came rushing in as he moved past newly erected buildings. It was amazing that they had managed to build homes so quickly after being relocated, but not surprising. A pang of sadness gripped at his heart before he could block it out. It took all the strength and control he had not to think of his mother…

He inquired as to where he could find Spock Prime and was swiftly directed straight to his home. He stood in front of the door and raised a hand to knock, when he froze. Was this really what he wanted? Was he really and truly ready to learn everything Spock Prime knew? It was a large step that could change him forever.

Spock knew that fear of the future would prevent any true progression in the present. He regained his nerve and knocked. Moments later, Spock Prime answered the door, draped in traditional Vulcan garb. A look of surprise spread openly on his face when he saw his younger self before him. The surprise quickly faded, as he knew this was bound to happen. He nodded to Spock, who nodded back in kind. Spock Prime stepped aside, opening the door wider and allowing Spock to enter. With a heavy sigh, he closed the door.

* * *

The quiet countryside was disturbed by the sound of a motor. A lone motorcycle sped through the night, sending dust flying into the evening air. Atop that motorcycle, James Tiberius Kirk's mind raced with the thoughts of his last night on Enterprise. Did he do the right thing allowing Spock to pursue the memories of a life neither of them had ever led? Should he have stood his ground and kept Spock in the dark? He'd give anything to be in Spock's position, blissfully unaware of what he knew now. Then again, deep down he knew that if he really were in Spock's position, he'd not only request to know, he'd _demand_ to know.

The wind whipping through his hair and leather jacket only served to pull his attention away from his thoughts in short bursts. The ride he had expected to help clear his mind only gave him ample time to focus on the matter. The soft, warm bed he had left behind was ready and waiting to have its old master lay in it once more when he entered his room. As comforting as it was to curl up in a familiar place, even in sleep he found himself unable to escape. More and more the memories of missions not yet accepted, worlds not yet explored, and words not yet spoken slipped in and out of his subconscious. He saw himself as he is and as he will be, speaking amicably with a Spock he's never known. What were more disturbing to him there were their private encounters with stole into his mind. There were soft whispers, gentle caresses, tender kisses, and fevered touches, all of which were both so foreign and so familiar to him at the same time. Each time one of these encounters entered his dreams, he'd wake up flushed and drenched with sweat.

Kirk shook his head violently as yet another such encounter flashed in his mind. He couldn't keep going on like this! The longer he went without addressing these strange dreams, the worse they got. The last three months had proved to be far too long without attempting to deal with his situation, and he was now regretting not mentioning it to McCoy before they left. There had to be some way to get this out of his head, so he headed to the only place where he knew you could forget anything and everything: The local bar.

The bike slowed to a stop as Kirk arrived at the exact same bar he had met Admiral Pike at almost four years ago. Shaking off the nostalgia of that faithful night when his life drastically changed, he hopped off his bike, strode into the bar, and proceeded to throw back any and every hard liquor the bartender would throw at him. Hours flew by, and each one brought Kirk closer and closer to complete drunken oblivion.

When the bartender said the familiar phrase, "Sorry buddy, you've had enough, I'm cutting you off," Kirk staggered out of the bar, laughing wildly. His idea worked like a charm, or at least that's how he felt for now. He hopped onto his motorcycle and revved the engine loudly. The very same bartender that cut him off came out and shouted, "Hey buddy! You better stay off of that bike! Call someone to take you home!"

Kirk shouted over his shoulder, "Don wurrie 'bout me pal, I dun dis a miiiiiiiiiillllion tiiiiiimes, ha ha!" With a final rev, Kirk reared back into a wheelie, which would have made for a very dramatic exit had his motorcycle not flipped him onto his back and landed on top of him.

"Oooooooowwwwww…"

The bartender ran over to Kirk and flipped the motorcycle off of him. "You damned fool! Didn't I tell you to stay off the bike?!?"

Kirk was lifted to his feet with a loud groan. The bartender shook his head and dragged him back into the bar. "Stupid drunks, thinking they can do whatever they damn well please…" The bartender brought him to the back of the bar, where he kept a lounge for his employees to rest when they needed a break. He laid Kirk gently on the chez lounge that doubled as a bed for the drunks with no way home. Putting his hands on his hips, he said loudly, "Since it's obvious you're too drunk and too stupid to find a safe way home, you can sleep your alcohol off here. And you better be able to walk a straight line when you wake up!"

The door slammed shut, leaving Kirk alone. "'s fine wif me sir!" he yelled. "Ah wuz kinda shleepy anywayz…"

Kirk snuggled on the chez lounge and drifted off to sleep. For a while, his dreams were normal, alcohol induced dreams. It seemed as though for the first time in weeks, he'd have a peaceful sleep, even if it meant when he woke up he'd have a stellar hangover. But peace didn't last very long. More images swirled in his mind, more feelings overwhelmed him. He no longer could decipher which feelings were his and which feelings were Spock Prime's. It was like he had taken the entirety of the elderly Vulcan's life with the alternate version of himself, threw it into a dicer, and was pouring chucks of it into his mind.

But soon, unfamiliar scenes played before his eyes. He was no longer looking into Spock Prime's life, but fantasizing of his own. He saw Spock rejecting Uhura, coming into his quarters, removing his clothes. Spock climbed into his bed, caressed his face, kissed him deeply. His hands roamed down his neck, down his chest, down, down to his groin…

Kirk woke up with a gasp. Sweat soaked through his clothes. The chez lounge beneath him was moist from where he lay. His breath was labored as if he had run a mile. He looked at the clock across the room: 07:14 AM. He had clearly slept off the alcohol, and yet he still felt intoxicated. Though he was thoroughly impressed by the lack of a hangover he was experienced, he was feeling very, very confused about himself. He stood up carefully and left the room.

The bartender sat in the corner of the room sleeping. Kirk gave him an envious look. _Must be nice to sleep in peace like that…_ He patted the man on the shoulder to wake him up. The man woke up startled, looking around to see who was interrupting his slumber. He saw Kirk and said sleepily, "Oh, 'syou. Finally sober enough to drive your motorcycle without killing yourself?"

With a laugh, Kirk nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for letting me stay in your break room." The bartender stood on his feet, wobbling slightly. "Sure, no problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to call my wife and have her take me home. She just hates it when I have to stay past closing for drunkards like you." The bartender gave Kirk a smirk that Kirk happily returned.

"Don't worry; I'm sure she'll appreciate you keeping another dumbass from killing himself by driving drunk. Sleep well mister!"

The bartender waved at Kirk as he revved up his motorcycle and drove off. Kirk wasn't sure what he was going to do about these unwanted thoughts and feelings, but the recent development of his dreams disturbed him to the core.

Guess alcohol wasn't the answer to his problems after all.


	5. Revelations

**Ch 3: Revelations**

"I am sorry to disturb you in your home..." Spock paused for a moment, unsure of what to call his older self.

"Please, call me Prime," Spock Prime interjected as he guided his younger self through his new home. It was a modest Vulcan home, not unlike the one Spock grew up in. "While it would be more logical to call me by name, seeing as we share the same name, it would make more sense to give one of us a pen name to differentiate. Being the older and more experienced of the two of us, Prime would be a suitable pen name for the moment."

Spock nodded. "That would be agreeable, Prime. As I said, I am sorry to disturb you in your home, but I have been pondering much since last we met."

"As much as I had hoped your curiosity would not overtake your logic, I knew you would eventually seek me out," Prime stated. "After all, who knows your heart and mind better than yourself?" A small hint of a smile perked the corners of Prime's mouth upward.

Spock gave Prime a quizzical look. "Has my future affected me so that I am more willing to show emotion openly?"

Prime laughed at his younger self, which only intensified the look of confusion on his face. "Ah yes, I remember how much trouble I had with emotions at your age. Sometimes it felt like I was torn in two, my Vulcan side compelling me to bury my emotions deep, my human side urging me to wear my emotions on my sleeve."

Feeling unusually threatened by this piece of information, Spock responded, "I am in complete control of my emotions." Prime smiled again, this time more openly. "I said the exact same thing when I was your age." He motioned toward a chair, which Spock sat in after giving a nod of acknowledgement. "Perhaps, in a different situation, control of my emotions would have been as successful as if I were a full Vulcan. But with the hot-blooded Admiral James T. Kirk at my side, it did not seem that would ever be possible."

Spock stared incredulously at Prime. "_Admiral?"_

Prime laughed again as he sat down across from Spock. "Yes, Admiral. Granted, his rank of Admiral was short lived due to his theft of the Enterprise, an admiral he was indeed. As the look on your face dictates, this does not seem at all logical at this moment, but for the very same type of command Jim took in facing Nero, he is later on promoted to Admiral." He cocked his head to the side. "Of course, with the changes to the timeline that have occurred, it is possible that the situation that led to Jim's promotion may never happen now. It is also possible that his promotion make come swifter than in my timeline and the circumstances which resulted in his demotion may never occur. So in all actuality, Jim could become an admiral and remain one until his retirement."

Spock's head began to spin. He placed his hands on his head and hunched over. _Admiral _Kirk_? Seriously? _How on Earth could someone so reckless ever possibly become an admiral?!? Spock's reaction did not go unnoticed to his older self. "It seems this information is already a bit much for you to take so soon after your arrival. It would be better if we took things a little slower and introduced my past at a more labored pace." Spock Prime stood up and looked down at Spock with almost a fatherly look on his face.

Immediately Spock stood up and cried, "No! …No, I…I am simply taken aback by this news. It would seem logical that at some point, the Captain would mature enough where his actions could persuade Starfleet to promote him to Admiral. My reaction stemmed from my personal experiences with the Captain."

Prime raised a hand to reassure his younger self. "It is alright. I have to remind myself that things in this timeline have varied a great deal from mine, and I should not expect you react calmly to all I reveal. Much of what I will tell you will further evoke emotional responses such as the one you just displayed. Such is why I suggest that instead of immediately explaining all to you, perhaps settling in would make the experience more comfortable for you."

Spock blinked at this response. He hadn't expected to turn this into more than a few hours of conversation. He wasn't even certain if his father was present in the colony or elsewhere attending to urgent matters and therefore was unsure where he would be staying. While staying with Prime would be the easiest and most logical thing to do, something about spending time with a mirror image of himself disturbed him. Perhaps this was because in all reality, neither should even co-exist together, let alone stay under the same roof. Yet there they were, together in the same room, no time paradoxes, no spontaneous combustions, nothing. It was clear that while the two Spocks were genetically the exact same person; the different paths their lives had taken had created two very different people.

After taking some time to think things through, Spock stood up straight and replied, "Very well. Though an extended stay in your residence was not my original intention, I shall accept your offer and stay with you for the few days I have planned to visit the colony."

Prime nodded, another faint smile on his lips. "It pleases me to hear that. Come, I will prepare a room and dress for you. Do forgive me as I do not typically entertain guests."

The two Spocks walked further into the house, the younger of the two becoming more and more worried as to what he was in for.

Prime was sitting in his living room reading when Spock walked in, dressed in Vulcan garb similar to that which Spock Prime wore. His robe was a dark grey color with long, billowy sleeves and intricate embroidery that spanned the front folds, the black turtleneck and black slacks he wore beneath it barely visible. Prime sensed Spock's entrance and closed his book. Placing the book to the side, he asked, "I assume you have rested enough to resume our conversation?"

Spock nodded and seated himself across from his older self. The uneasy feeling he felt inside only seemed to get worse the more time he spent with Prime, but his thirst for knowledge overrode this. He leaned forward in the chair and clasped his hands together on his knees. "The last thing you had told me was that Captain Kirk is eventually promoted to Admiral."

Being much older and wiser than his younger counterpart, Prime could sense the uneasiness that Spock unintentionally emanated. "Spock," Prime said slowly, also leaning forward in his chair, "is there a reason you choose not to refer to Jim by his name rather than by his rank?"

"It is only right for a subordinate to address his superior by his rank."

"Does Jim approve of this?"

Spock faltered. "Actually…no, he does not. He has requested many times to refer to him as 'Jim', much like you address him."

"Then why do you fail to grant him his request? If he is indeed your superior, if for no other reason than to obey him, you would do as he asks."

Spock's face grew cold. "I fail to see the benefit in bending over backwards for him at all times simply because he requests it."

Prime's eyes narrowed. "You hold a grudge against him for taking advantage of you when you were at your weakest." Ignoring the shocked look on Spock's face, Prime continued, "I can tell that I am right, and it is to be expected. However, you do not have Jim to blame, as he only did so because I requested."

Spock stared at Prime, his mouth agape. "Why?" he said breathlessly. "Why would you ask him to so something like that deliberately?"

"Is it not obvious?" Prime asked, more than a little disappointed in Spock's reluctance to discover the real reason himself. "The Jim of my time was meant to be captain of the Enterprise, and I his number one. Because of the events that unfurled from the battle with Nero, history itself altered. While circumstances led to your brief position as acting captain, you were never meant to be Jim's superior in rank, but rather his compliment while on duty, and his equal off duty."

Anger began to boil beneath Spock's calm exterior. Why was it that that annoyingly charismatic man was more entitled to glory and greatness than he was? He was impulsive, self-centered, and immature, while Spock was calm, rational, and intelligent. It was insane. Was the entire universe against him? Or was he really blinded so badly by his personal desires that he couldn't see Kirk's true qualities as a leader? The anger flowing through Spock's vein was felt by the elder Vulcan, who sat back in his chair and sighed wearily. "Spock, I am beginning to doubt that sitting you down and telling you everything will be of any benefit. The more I explain, the less control you hold over your emotions. It would seem best to leave well enough alone and simply use the rest of your time exploring the colony."

Spock took a deep breath, which he released slowly through his nose. This simple breathing method calmed him down and allowed him to think more clearly. "I assure you, I am prepared for the truth. However, the events that have led me here have made it difficult for me to process these truths. The glorious man you speak of does not exist for me. He is brash, untrained, and stubborn. He lacks all sense of reason and is a danger to both himself and those around him. I do not feel as though his appointment to captain was well earned, but was given to him to pacify him. He wastes the intelligence he was born with and is a disgrace to all who serve under him."

Prime listened to the young Vulcan speak and shook his head. "It is obvious then that there is no point in telling you what I know," he said. "If you have already formed your prejudices against Jim, little of what I say will get through to you. However, if you are merely clutching to these prejudices as a safeguard against the unknown, then there is a chance my past will be an invaluable resource for you." Prime raised his hand and leaned forward. "With your permission, I will meld my mind with yours, and reveal all to you. Perhaps then you will know the truth and take it to heart."

Spock hesitated at first. A part of him screamed to let it be, to simple let his life progress as it should and leave his alternate self to live out his own life. The timeline had already been tampered with; he need only continue down his path and face the unknown alone. The other part of him yearned to have all his questions answered and his doubts erased. Was there really more to Kirk than he saw? What did he really feel about him? If he was never meant to be captain of the Enterprise, then what purpose did he serve aboard it? After quickly weighing his options, he nodded and leaned forward to allow Prime to begin the process. Both Prime and Spock closed their eyes.

"My mind…to your mind. My thoughts…to your thoughts. Our minds together…our minds are one."

In an instant, Spock felt himself being pulled into Prime's subconscious. He saw himself meeting Kirk for the first time, their first mission, and their adventures together. He experienced _pon farr _and _plak tow, _and saw his emotional responses to Kirk's proposed death and his reappearance on the Enterprise. He saw himself die and become reborn on Genesis. He saw himself being outfitted with Vulcan's fastest ship, racing to destroy the star before it destroyed Romulus, and then saw himself being launched into their current timeline. But he saw and felt even more. Private games of chess, happiness and laughter, sorrow and tears, embraces, sweet whispers, waves of passion, swells and releases…

Spock's eyes flew open as the mind meld completed. His breath was labored and his skin flushed a deep green. He felt incredibly lost, but at the same time, everything he saw and felt seemed so _right._ His lips parted as he gasped out a single word:

"T'hy'la…"

Prime nodded. "Now, you understand. However, Jim will discover all this on his own. At least, it is my hope that I did not interfere too much with him as well."

Spock gave Prime a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Prime closed his eyes and drew a pained breath. "I performed a mind meld with Jim on Delta Vega. It was for the sole purpose of explaining the Nero situation, but I fear I let my emotions and memories slip through. What I fear more is that I have potentially traumatized him, as I gave no warning that I would perform the meld."

The flush that colored Spock's face quickly drained away, leaving his face paler than usual. "Prime…"

"I know, what I did was morally wrong," Prime interjected. "Mind melds should never be performed without any kind of consent, but the situation was far too urgent to sit around talking over a campfire. As the humans say, desperate times called for desperate measures."

Spock closed his eyes and covered his face. He could not imagine what Kirk was going through as they spoke. Had his older self been a less experienced melder, it was extremely likely that Kirk would have gone insane. Suddenly feeling very tired, he rose out of his chair and strode out of the room. Prime called out,

"Are you leaving?" Prime called out.

Spock stopped and turned his head. "No. Not yet. As I mentioned before, I plan to observe the progress of this colony more closely during my shore leave. Given all that I have just learned, I also still have to take the time to process everything and discern what feelings are yours and which are mine. But if the Captain…Jim…is experiencing what I think he is, I believe I should make my stay even shorter than I originally planned."

Prime nodded. "Perhaps that would be wise. You are welcome here as long as you need or desire to be. My home is your home." Spock nodded in acknowledgement and left the room, leaving Prime to himself. Hands clasped in front of his face and his elbows sitting on his knees, he thought out loud, "I do hope I did the right thing…"

Spock managed to keep his composure until he reached his room. He closed the door and laid his back against it. The breathing he had tried so hard to keep even was now ragged and labored. His normally direct gaze flickered and darted. His typically emotionless face showed an array of emotions: fear, confusion, embarrassment, and more than anything else, sadness. Spock now knew exactly what had led to the appearance of both Nero and Prime in his timeline. Everything made sense, but that came at the cost of his emotions. He now knew and felt everything that his former part did. Above all, the guilt, regret, and sadness were the most immediate and were felt the strongest.

Spock's knees buckled. He fell to the floor on all fours. While logic told him not all of the emotions he felt were specifically his alone, it did not relinquish their hold on him. His already unbearable grief from the loss of his mother, his home world, and the majority of his race was now doubled with the overwhelming responsibility Prime felt for it all. The control he had struggled to hold on to tightly finally broke. For the first time since he was a child, tears poured from his eyes down his cheeks. Uncontrollable sobs cut off his breath and forced his body to the floor. His forehead touched the floor as he cried his soul out. He cried the tears of a son without his mother and a man who had failed his people.

A knock came at the door, startling Spock. Prime's voice came muffled through the door. "Spock? Are you well? It is normal to be overwhelmed with emotions when a large amount of information is transmitted through mind meld. I wish to see if you are affected in any way."

At first, Spock feared opening the door and letting his weakness be known to Prime, but then he realized there was no way Prime could not know what he was going through at the time. After all, half the pain he felt was Prime's. He shakily lifted himself off the floor and opened the door, not bothering to wipe away his tears. If Prime had sensed that he was in agony, there was no point in trying to hide it. Prime saw his younger self in the exact state he had expected: skin many shades paler, eyes bloodshot, cheeks wet with fresh tears. Spock's lip trembled as he attempted to calm himself long enough to address Prime, but the pain was too great to hold in and tears continued to flow from his eyes.

It pained Prime greatly to see himself in such a state. He felt his own control break as well as he drew Spock into his arms as a loving father would his son. Although the contact threw Spock off, as Vulcans very rarely engaged in such personal contact, he welcomed the embrace and let himself cry openly and loudly. Though Prime still held on to some control of his emotions, tears fell from his eyes as well, as the two usually strong men broke down.

"I'm so sorry, Spock," Prime cried through his tears. "I've failed you. I've failed everyone." Spock continued to sob, but managed to say, "I never told her I loved her. I never told her how proud I was to be her son. And now she's gone. I'll never get to tell her." Prime held Spock head in his hand and nodded. "I know, Spock. I know."

As the two men stood holding each other, a passerby looked through the hallway window and looked curiously at the two crying Vulcans. The woman was perplexed at the sight of two fully grown Vulcans losing control of their emotions in such a dramatic way, but when she sensed the grave amount of anguish the two were feeling, she simply pursed her lips in full understanding and walked away silently.


	6. Heart to Heart

**Ch 4: Heart to Heart**

The early morning sun shined brightly outside of Spock's window. He clenched his eyes tightly before letting them flutter open. Rays of sunlight momentarily blinded him as he blinked away the film of sleep. The sheets that covered him crinkled softly around him as he sat up straight in the bed. He winched from the sharp pain he felt in his head. The events of the day before were a bit of a blur to him and the headache he was now sporting was reminiscent of a migraine. He finally understood what it felt like to experience what humans called 'a hangover'. When he tried to remember what happened, his head buzzed like a beehive. He decided it was best to sort things out later and start the day.

Pulling the sheets off of him, he slowly climbed out of bed. Across from him was a dresser with a mirror connected to it. He rose out of bed and walked over to it. When he looked in the mirror, he saw green puffy eyes squinting back at him. His face was covered with splotches and his normally well kept hair was disheveled. Hardly an attractive sight.

Without warning, his heart pounded hard in his chest, a blur of different scenes blocking his eyesight. The world tilted around him and he had to grab the dresser to steady himself. The buzzing in his head grew stronger and stronger. A multitude of different voices cried in his ears and he saw hundreds of different landscapes, different faces, and different planets. He closed his eyes tightly and tried desperately to push the images out of his mind.

A warm hand grabbed his shoulder, bringing the whirlwind in his head to a stop instantly. Eyes wide open, he turned toward the owner of the warm hand and saw Prime standing over him. In the throes of agony, he had fallen to his knees onto the floor without realizing it. His chest heaved as he gasped for air.

Before Spock could inquire as to why the elderly Vulcan was in his room, Prime answered his unasked question. "You were screaming. I came as fast as I could. Are you alright?"

Still gasping for air, Spock brought his eyes into focus and looked at Prime. The three fuzzy versions of him gradually merged into one after many blinks. Uncertain of the strength of his voice, he simply nodded. He had no idea what had just happened to him and he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Prime grabbed underneath Spock's arms and helped him back onto his feet. "What happened?" Prime asked. Spock swayed unsteadily on his feet, holding his head with his hand. "I am uncertain," he said. "I stared in the mirror and suddenly everything started to swirl around me. I saw a blur of images and heard what seemed like thousands of different voices and sounds. It all stopped when you came in and touched my shoulder."

Prime gave Spock a grave look, which didn't comfort him at all. "It seems as though you are experiencing sensory overload from the meld," he explained. "I had thought sleeping would help alleviate this, but I must have miscalculated the severity of the meld's effects. Do you remember anything from yesterday?"

Spock tried to concentrate on the events of the day before when he felt the swirling in his head again. He clutched his head and felt his legs go weak, but Prime held him up before he could collapse again. "Do not strain yourself. The meld transferred a great deal of information, far more than I should have shared with you. When I came in to check on you, you were crying. I attempted to comfort you as much as I could, for I understood far too well the pain you were feeling. You promptly fell asleep afterward and remained asleep until now. It is natural that your body would be as weak as your mind, and so it would be best if you took some more time to sleep."

Spock shook his head, which proved to be a big mistake. A sharp pain akin to having a lance through his skull caused him to wince. "No," he said, straining to speak. "I do not wish to spend my shore leave sleeping. There is still much I want to see of the colony…"

"Which you can see when you have rested," Prime persisted. "It will do you no good to try and force yourself to go through the day when your body is clearly in need of more time to recuperate. I am no longer suggesting that you return to your bed; I am _forcing _you to return to your bed. You _will_ sleep."

Spock was too weak to argue, and the screaming pain in his head made it impossible to retaliate anyway. He allowed himself to be escorted back into his bed. When he lay down, the sheets were gently pulled over him and he was carefully tucked in. He looked up at Prime, who smiled softly. "Take as long as you need to rest. We will have plenty of time to converse later."

With a small nod, Spock closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. Prime watched him a moment longer, then stood up and walked out the room. The door gently closed with a small click and the elder Vulcan left Spock alone to sleep.

* * *

The late afternoon sun made Prime's kitchen glow a bright yellow orange as he finished preparing the salad. He was pulling a plate out from the cabinet when he saw Spock shuffle into the kitchen. His eyes were no longer green and puffy, but his skin was still splotchy and his hair had reached a new level of dishevelment. Prime resisted the urge to laugh at his younger self and instead asked, "Would it be correct for me to assume that you are well enough to be out of bed?"

"Yes," Spock said in a very hoarse voice. He attempted to clear his throat, but the dryness of it caused him to cough. "Could I get some water?

Prime pulled a glass out of the cabinet and poured water from a pitcher into it. He handed the glass to Spock, who immediately drank the entire thing down. Prime raised an eyebrow at the young Vulcan's eagerness and refilled the glass. Though slower this time, Spock drank the entire glass of water again. Prime offered to refill it again, but Spock put up his hand and shook his head. "I am fine; I simply needed to moisten my throat."

"Rightfully so," Prime said, putting the pitcher down. "You have slept half the day away. Judging by the way your clothes cling to your body, you must have sweated a great deal while you slept. It is only natural that you would need to replenish your body of the water you have expelled." He motioned to the bowl of salad he had just finished making. "I have prepared a salad for our dinner. If you are hungry, I can serve you now. If you are not, you can always have some later on."

Spock walked up to the cabinet where Prime pulled out his plate and grabbed one of his own. Taking the salad tongs, he piled his plate high with salad. Prime looked on curiously as most of the salad disappeared from the bowl and appeared on Spock's plate. Spock then moved to the table and began eating the salad as if he hadn't eaten anything for months on end. Rather than showing irritation, Prime simply laughed and placed the remainder of the salad on the plate he held in his hand and sat across from Spock.

By the time Prime had seated himself, Spock had already eaten half of the salad and was slowing down. "A rather voracious appetite you have, Spock." Spock looked up, his mouth full of greenery. Wholly unaware of how ridiculous he looked, he chewed the mouthful of greens and swallowed. "It appears that spending the whole of the last 24 hours sleeping has emptied my stomach of its contents. I am merely replenishing the energy I have lost, perhaps with an excess of enthusiasm. You have my apologies."

"Don't be," Prime said. "I would rather eat less and be certain you had your fill than have an equal share and have you do without." Picking up his fork, he began eating his own salad. Spock's attention returned to his and the two ate in silence. No one spoke or even looked at the other until every leaf had been eaten.

Spock decided to speak first. "My dreams were filled with many bits and pieces of your life. I saw everything I saw during the meld, and more. Nothing was in order, it was all scattered, as if a stained glass window had shattered in my mind and I was looking at every individual piece at an accelerated rate. The more disturbing part of my dreams was the vast array of emotions I experienced. Or rather, the specific _types_ of emotions I experienced were what disturbed me."

Prime nodded in acknowledgement, knowing exactly which types of emotions Spock referred to. The relationship that developed between him and Captain Kirk was an intense one to say the least. Interestingly enough, it wasn't something either of them had expected to develop. The two had actively pursued other women for years, but as time passed, there were small signs of something beyond friendship budding between the two of them. Prime began to realize his feelings when Kirk faked his death during Prime's _pon farr, _but it wasn't until V'ger had showed up that Prime really knew that he was in love. Prime took a moment to recall that faithful moment and the discussion he and Kirk had after V'ger disappeared.

_Prime and Kirk stood together in the Vulcan's quarters. With his arms behind his back, Prime stood facing away from his captain towards a wall. _

"_Spock," Kirk spoke. "You asked me to come to your quarters, but now that I'm here, you won't say a word to me. If there's nothing you need from me, I need to report the events with V'ger in my captain's log." He stood in place, hoping that would motivate the Vulcan to at least say something, anything. No response. He sighed and moved to the door when Prime spoke._

"_Jim," he said, his voice wavering. "I am in love with you."_

_Kirk stopped in place. His heart beat rapidly in his chest. He swallowed hard and turned back toward Prime, who had turned around and was facing him. Taking a deep breath, Kirk said, "I know."_

_Prime's eyebrow rose, a sign that he was surprised. Or confused, or amused. To anyone else, it would be hard to decipher what emotion Prime was portraying, but Kirk knew him well enough to know exactly what the eyebrow meant in this context. He walked up to Prime and put his hands on his arms. "I feel the same way."_

_The Vulcan shook his head. "Why did we not realize this sooner?" he asked genuinely. "We have spent so much time together, been through so much together, we have even melded our minds. Why is it only now that we learn of what we have always known in our sub consciousness?"_

_Instead of answering the question, Kirk kissed Prime tenderly, sweetly. Prime returned the kiss with the same tenderness. One of Kirk's hands move to his face and pulled him closer. What little space remained between the two men was promptly closed. They held each other so close that they could feel the other's heart beat against them. The kiss was broken only because neither had any air left in their lungs. They stood staring at each other with the love that had been submerged for far too long._

_With a shaky voice, Prime said, "I love you Jim."_

_With a sweet smile on his face, Kirk replied, "I love you too Spock."_

Spock saw the same memory Prime recalled and his own heart fluttered as he imagined the same kind of scene with him and his Kirk. "I understand how you came to love the Kirk of your time," he continued, "but I am having great difficulty picturing the same occurring to me and my Kirk."

"I would not expect you to feel that way right now," said Prime. "I did not feel that way at your age, and it would be logical that you would not as well. However, as Jim matured and settled in to his position as a Starfleet captain, many things I never expected of him began to come to light, and I found myself becoming more and more intrigued by him. Before I could stop it, I had fallen in love with him. But I fought it. Told myself it was wrong. Told myself it was not natural. Told myself I was a fool."

"The important thing to remember about love is that it is the most illogical thing in existence. It can happen at any time to any one, and can be directed at the seemingly least compatible person you know. But when it strikes, its hold cannot be broken easily. It is stronger than any alloy or substance in the entire universe and can make even the most hopeless situation survivable. Love gives birth to many other noble traits and emotions and combats all negative emotions. To not love is to not live."

He rose from his chair and walked over to his younger self, placing a hand on his shoulder. Spock looked up at Prime, a lost look in his eyes. "You need not understand these things right now. You need only to realize your feelings and be true to yourself. Whether you chose to fall in love with Jim or not is your decision and your decision alone. Live only in a way that pleases you, and you will have no regrets."

Spock nodded, and the elder Vulcan began walking away. Before he left the room, he said, "If you would clean up the kitchen, there is more that I wish to speak to you about. I shall await you in the living room." And with that he disappeared from the room.

A mix of worry and fear suddenly gripped Spock's heart. Though Prime alluded to nothing, he had a foreboding feeling that there was nothing good about it. He pushed back his chair and gathered the plates and cups still on the table. Taking great care with the dishes, he ran the water over them and cleaned them. He also grabbed the bowl that the salad was made in and cleaned it too. With all the dishes now clean, Spock left them to dry in the sink and stepped into the living room.

He had expected to see Prime sitting in a chair when he entered the room, but instead he stood in front of his fireplace, staring into a freshly drawn fire. The setting sun cast many shadows throughout the room, and the fire in front of Prime created a mysterious silhouette that concreted the foreboding feeling in the pit of Spock's stomach. He came closer, but stopped a few feet away.

"You said you have something else you wish to talk to me about?" he asked tentatively. Still facing the fire, Prime responded, "Yes, something of a terrible importance." He turned to face Spock, the shadows on his face creating a rather haunting image. "It is about the warring personalities inside of you."

Spock gave Prime a look of confusion. Prime continued, "Deep inside of you, whether you are aware of it or not, are two different sides of you: The Vulcan, who embraces logic and control, and the human, who embraces spontaneity and emotion. These two sides reside inside of me as well, but when we melded our minds together, I saw something else, something more complex and disturbing than I saw inside myself at your age. Be it the result of the recent traumatic events, or simply a more subdued difference in your timeline's version of me, your emotions are as divided in two as your heritage is. One side represents the innocence in you, while the other represents the darker, more primal side of you. This makes balancing the two simultaneously more important and more difficult."

Prime walked closer to Spock, who stood firmly in place, horrified by what he was hearing. "Spock," Prime said, "If you do not find a way to merge these separate parts of you, it is likely that you will soon lose all control of yourself. Should you reach that point, there may be no way to reverse its effects. You could go completely insane."

Spock's eyes were not unlike a frightened child's. He began to hyperventilate. "What should I do?"

The warm hands of his older self rested on his shoulders. "I will take the time you stay here to train you in a more in depth form of meditation," he said. "The techniques I teach you should assist you with merging these two sides into one whole person. It will be very challenging, but if you have the dedication for it, it is possible we can prevent the worst case scenario."

Spock nodded, willing to do anything to avoid insanity. Of course, he wasn't sure how he could handle his relationships with those around him when he had so much to focus on internally, but he had to try. Prime smiled at Spock and said, "We will focus on meditation tomorrow. Tonight, let us simply relax indoors. While meditation is the best way to center oneself, I find reading to be an enjoyable way to eliminate stress.

Prime sat down in his favorite chair in front of the fire and picked up his book. Spock roamed over to one of the many bookcases and browsed the books that were lined up. Prime's books were of varying lengths and subjects, but one particular book caught his eye. It was a collection of poetry written by ancient human poets in a style that was called Romanticism. He pulled the book off the shelf and examined it as he walked over to the chair he sat in just days ago. He sat down and began to read incredible poems that dripped with emotion. He found himself envying the authors that could so freely express themselves and continued to read, silently hoping that perhaps one day he could be as free to express himself as these poets had been.


	7. Boy Trouble

**Ch 5: Boy Trouble**

Kirk tossed and turned in his sleep. It had been five days since his visit to the bar, and each night, less and less of Spock Prime's emotions and thoughts were plaguing him. However, this didn't come as a welcome relief for Kirk, as his dreams were now riddled with rather vivid fantasies of Spock. On this night, he saw none of what the mind meld had put into his mind, but instead dreamed of an encounter with Spock.

_The Enterprise was quiet, as it tended to be in the 'night' hours when everyone slept. Kirk was in his quarters and had just stripped down to his Starfleet regulation underwear when a knock came at the door. With a sigh, he grabbed a pair of jeans and began to put them on when the door flew open without warning._

_Standing in the doorway was Spock, the light behind him creating a dramatic silhouette of his classic rigid pose. Kirk cried out, urging Spock to leave and allow him time to at least put on pants. But Spock did not leave; rather he came into the room and closed the door behind him. Kirk became flustered at his science officer's complete disregard for his privacy and fell backwards on to his bed, tangled in his jeans. Spock came closer and closer until he stood over Kirk, who was sprawled awkwardly on the bed. Kirk scrambled to crawl backwards and away from Spock, fear in his eyes. He couldn't understand why all of a sudden Spock was in his room towering over him, but he didn't like it. He urged Spock to leave the room, but he did not. Instead, he climbed on top of Kirk and placed his hands on the bed on both sides of Kirk's head._

_Kirk began to pant as Spock stared deep into his eyes. Though he said not a word, his intent was made clear with the intensity in his dark eyes. Behind his calm exterior, lust and want brew violently inside. Spock placed a hand gently on Kirk's face. Despite his anxiety, Kirk couldn't help but enjoy the soft warmth of Spock's hand._

_Spock brought his forehead down to Kirk's and closed his eyes. His breath became heavier as he started to lose control of himself. Kirk's head began to spin. His normally promiscuous ways were drastically halted since he had become a Starfleet captain, and this kind of contact had not only been greatly missed, it drove him wild to finally feel it again._

_Taking the initiative, Kirk took Spock's lips with his own. Rather than showing surprise, Spock enthusiastically returned the kiss with a kind of passion Kirk never knew he had in him. The soft feel of Kirk's lips intoxicated Spock. His tongue slid easily into Kirk's mouth and danced seductively with Kirk's. A moan rumbled in the back of Kirk's throat as his hands slipped under the Vulcan's shirt, feeling the warm flesh underneath._

_Breaking the kiss, Kirk flipped Spock onto his back, surprising the Vulcan. Kirk pulled the shirt off and admired the strong torso he had revealed. He placed his hands on Spock's chest and rubbed up and down its length. Spock relished the contact and closed his eyes, a moan escaping from parted lips. Kirk leaned back down and continued their last kiss, only with increased vigor. Spock put his hands on Kirk's head and pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss even more._

_Spock rolled back on top without breaking the kiss. His hand moved down the length of Kirk's body and rubbed the front of his underwear. Kirk's body arched, yearning to have more of the delicious feel of Spock's hand between his legs. Spock reached into the underwear and found his target. Kirk's eyes flew open. He broke the kiss and cried out loud. With an uncharacteristically devious smirk, Spock wrapped his hand around his prize and began to move it methodically up and down. While he did this, he leaned his head down and nibbled on Kirk's neck, fully aware of the responses it would elicit._

_Kirk's heart raced, his body squirmed, his eyes fluttered. How the hell could Spock be so __skilled __at this?!? A familiar sensation welled up in his lower half. His breath grew quicker and his body glowed with sweat. Spock moved his mouth from Kirk's neck to his ear, whispering and then nibbling on his ear. This proved more than Kirk could handle and his world exploded._

Kirk flew up in his bed with enlarged eyes. Sweat covered his body. He looked frantically around the room, relieved to find he was quite alone in his old home in Iowa. Unfortunately, his relief was severely short lived when he found that he not only needed a cold shower, but was also in dire need for a clean pair of underwear. He put his head in his hands and screamed in frustration. He had no idea what was happening to his mind. Perhaps he really _had _gone too long without any activity if he was having wet dreams of _Spock._ He threw the covers off, flung himself out of the bed, and stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

He stepping into the shower and cranked the cold water knob as far to the left as he could. Cascades of icy water shot out of the shower head and Kirk's fevered body like a billion sharp needles. Every inch of his body shivered except for the very reason for his self-induced torture. To avoid screaming from the horrible cold, he bit his lip, emitting a muffled "_Mmmmmph!_"

The cold water rinsed off the sticky sweat that covered him from head to toe. That much good came from the frigid water that pummeled his feverish flesh. Though his body shivered, the very appendage he hoped would cool down was still at full attention and radiating heat. He groaned in frustration – had this been any other situation, he'd simply do what needed to be done and move on. But with Spock on his mind…

He clenched his fists tightly, his fingernails digging deep into his palms. He bit his lip harder, ignoring the coppery taste that spread on his tongue. He closed out all thoughts of Spock and the dream and focused solely on the cold that covered his body in goose bumps and the pain in his hands and lip. To his relief, it didn't take long for the blood in his appendage to flow elsewhere. Relinquishing the firm grip his teeth had on his split lip and unclenching his fists, Kirk sighed a sigh of relief.

Unfortunately, the cold shower only settled his body down. His mind on the other hand was still swimming with sexual thoughts of his Vulcan Science Officer. Kirk found himself feeling very scared and confused. As he recalled the dream, he heard the words Spock whispered in his ear:

_Now you belong to me._

Kirk pressed the heel of his palms into his temples and violently shook his head. _NO! _He screamed mentally. _Stop thinking about it!_ He slammed his head against the shower wall, the pain of tile colliding with his skull knocking out all of the inappropriate thoughts that still plagued him. His breath became ragged, his eyes delirious. If Kirk could have seen his own face, he would have thought he was staring at a psychopath. Fumbling, he turned the water off. The shower had served its purpose; lingering under the shower head with water pouring uselessly off his body would simply be a waste.

He staggered out of the shower and grabbed a towel from the towel rack. Wrapping it around his waist, he flung open the bathroom door and made his way downstairs. Whenever there was something bothering him, his mother's blueberry cobbler always made him feel better. Lucky for him, she made three batches worth when he arrived. He had already slammed through two of them, but the last one sat in the refrigerator, waiting for him to gobble it up.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he jumped at the sight of his mom. The overhead light was on and filled the room with a gentle yellow glow. She sat at the dining room table, the last batch of blueberry cobbler already sitting in the center. Across from her sat a single serving of the delicious dessert, reheated with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. A spoon lay right next to the plate.

Snapping out of his funk, he tightened the towel around his waist considerably. "Mom!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing up so late? And why is there blueberry cobbler sitting out?!?"

Winona Kirk simply smiled at her son, despite his state of undress. "I heard you scream and then heard the water running in the bathroom. I can always tell when something's bothering you, and you made it rather clear tonight, so I came down and fixed you your favorite dessert."

Kirk walked over to the chair where the single plate sat and lowered himself into it. He looked at her in disbelief. "But how did you know I'd come downstairs for cobbler?"

She laughed lightly and patted her son's hand. "You forget that I'm your mother. I know you even better than you know yourself. Besides, whenever you were upset as a boy, my blueberry cobbler always cheered you up. You may be a famous Starfleet Captain, but deep down you're still my little boy."

The smirk on Kirk's face was disrupted by the spoon full of cobbler and ice cream that he shoveled into his mouth. The familiar warmth of happiness spread throughout his body and birthed a dreamy smile. He didn't know how, but his mother's cobbler always had a way of melting all of his troubles away as soon as he took his first bite. After savoring the first bite as he always did, he began shoveling the gooey dessert into his mouth. His mother simply smiled and watched him quietly, propping her head up with her hands.

When he finished the cobbler, sticky blueberry goo covered his cheeks. Ever prepared, his mother pulled out a damp napkin and wiped his face. Laughing, she said, "I thought when you grew up I wouldn't have to clean your face anymore. Guess I was wrong." When she finished, she picked up the serving spoon and motioned toward the remaining batch. "Want another helping?"

Amazingly, Kirk shook his head. "No, one's fine for now." They sat in silence for what felt like hours before Winona spoke. "What's wrong honey? It may not be out of the ordinary for you to sneak down in the middle of the night to eat cobbler, but late night showers are always a sign that you've got a problem."

Kirk sat silently on the opposite side of the table. He began debating whether or not he should come right out and tell his mother everything or whether he should dance around the issue. He looked at his mother, who looked back at him, concern plain on her face. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again before it could betray him.

Unable to get an answer from her son, Winona decided to take a stab at the problem. "Are you having girl trouble sweetie?" She knew very well that her son got along rather well with women, to put it lightly. While it would be an unlikely worry on his mind now that he was a starship captain, he _was _still very young.

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Kirk said. But when he thought about it, his mother wasn't _really _that far off, so he decided to run with it. "Well, kind of. It's really complicated." Winona stared intently at Kirk, anxious to know the problem. Taking a deep breath, Kirk tried to explain his situation with as few specific details as possible.

"Okay, here's my dilemma. I'm captain of the Enterprise right? And in Starfleet, it's deemed somewhat taboo to have feelings for a fellow officer. Yeah, it happens all the time anyway, but the…_person…_in question is a subordinate of mine. For a captain to fall in love with a subordinate is a big, _big _deal, especially if a relationship develops. I find my situation to be rather…_unique. _I've been through a lot with this particular officer even though we haven't known each other long, and even though I'm still sorting my feelings out, I'm starting to have…inappropriate thoughts about them."

"Does the person have the same feelings for you?" Winona asked.

Kirk looked back at his mother. "Uhm, to my knowledge, no. The person in question is actually involved with another officer." His mother nodded in understanding. "What's worse is I'm jealous of the fact that the person is in a relationship with someone else. It's not affecting my judgment as a captain…yet. But I'm afraid if things keep progressing at this rate, it might."

Winona shifted in her seat as she processed what Kirk told her. She thought for a moment, and then said, "So, have you thought about talking with this person about how you feel?" Kirk laughed, "Of course not. They're in a happy relationship that they chose to be in. Why should I ruin that just to try and get what I want, assuming I really even _know _what I want?"

"You never know what could happen if you don't try," his mother said. She leaned forward and clasped her hands on the table in front of her. "Jim, you have a chance to be with someone who makes you happy, someone who makes you feel whole." Kirk interrupted, "Now wait, I never said…" Winona cut him off with a raised hand. "You didn't have to say anything. Like I said, I'm your mother. Now, if you pass this chance up, you may not ever get it again. Say the person in question gets married? You'll never get to tell them how much you love them."

She reached her hand out and clasped Kirk's tightly. "Your father's last words to me were 'I love you'. I held on to that for years and years. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life all alone, but after a while, I started realizing that's not what I wanted. I wanted my sons to have a father and I wanted to love again. I may not have made the best choice in a husband, but he makes me happy. Not as happy as your father made me, but still happy."

"Jim, the last thing I want for you to do is to pass up what could be the best thing in your life because of rules and regulations, and especially because you're too scared of the outcome to take a risk. You've never in your entire life hesitated to act on your gut feeling. This should be no different."

The two stared at each other in silence. Kirk put a hand on his mother's and stroked it softly. He nodded slowly and said, "You're right, mom. I guess I've got some thinking to do before I go back to the Enterprise."

Winona smiled. "Whatever you decide will be the right decision. I've always had faith in you." She removed her hand from Kirk's and stood up. She walked over to her son and kissed the top of his head. "I hope you figure out a solution to your boy trouble Honey."

Kirk's eyes widened. "_Boy_ trouble?!?"

His mother giggled as she played with his hair. "Yes, _boy _trouble. Why else wouldn't you just come out and say it was a girl that you liked?" Grinning in a way that showed where Kirk's magnificent smile came from, she went back upstairs, leaving Kirk to gape at her.


	8. Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

**Ch 6: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow**

Spock and Prime sat outside in Prime's backyard underneath the night sky. The stars twinkled high above them, but neither paid any attention to them. Both sat cross-legged on the dirt facing each other with eyes tightly shut. Their breathing was slow and in sync as they meditated together. Though they spoke not a single word to each other, they communicated with each other. Spock's face began to twitch, as if he was suddenly beginning to strain. At his brow, beads of sweat began to accumulate despite the cool night air around him. His steady breathing became more labored and his whole body began to shake.

His eyes flew open as his concentration broke completely. He panted out of exhaustion as Prime slowly reopened his own eyes and looked at the worn young Vulcan in front of him. Spock looked at Prime and simply shook his head. He rose from his cross-legged position on the ground and dusted himself of. Spock carefully did the same, but swayed on his feet as he did. Frustration was clear on his face at his failure to maintain the level of meditation he strived for.

"I am uncertain that I will be able to achieve my goals with these meditation techniques," he said wearily. "It seems that the amount of focus needed is beyond my reach."

Prime walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Do not give up hope so soon, Spock," he said. "The techniques you are trying to learn took me years to master. It is possible that I may be asking more of you than I should, but as I stated days ago, your mastery over your inner selves is of the utmost importance. I have faith that with diligence and persistence, you will be able to learn the techniques successfully and with individual training, be able to master it without my help. I have faith in you, Spock, but if you do not have faith in yourself, it will not be possible to obtain your goal."

Spock sighed in defeat. Of course, the elder Vulcan was right. It didn't change the difficulty of the task, however. Even after working on the techniques for the past few days, he found himself unable to grasp the nuances this form of meditation required. He refused to give up; he had never met a challenge he could not overcome, and he was not going to let this one be his first.

He looked at Prime with a fire in his eyes. Steadying his breath, he said, "I wish to make another attempt at the technique. I believe that I can properly perform the technique with just a little more practice."

"Do not push your self so hard Spock," Prime warned. "The key to this technique is to maintain peace of mind before performing it. If you attempt to meditate in your current state, you will only find the process that much more difficult. It would be better if we adjourned for the night and try again tomorrow morning. "

Defiantly, Spock shook his head. "On the contrary, I believe that is the very root of my problem. Attempting meditation when it is unnecessary and unneeded is complicating my comprehension of the technique. I am certain that I can perform the technique successfully with one more attempt, utilizing the frustration I am currently experiencing. Halting my current momentum will be more detrimental to my progress than continuing in my current state. If I am unsuccessful, you have my word that I will refrain from any further attempts until tomorrow."

Prime sighed. He knew that he was not going to be able to convince Spock to leave well enough alone for the night. When he thought about it though, Spock was right. Perhaps they had been approaching the technique all wrong. Even though meditation was typically performed in a calm state to keep oneself well-balanced, learning how to use the technique without having anything to build off of was counter-productive. He returned to the spot he sat in and sat in the cross-legged position. Spock did the same and closed his eyes tight. As soon as Prime's eyes were closed, their telepathic communication resumed.

_Reach deep down within yourself and feel the separate parts of you. Try to pull them closer together._

_I can feel the frustration strongest. I will attempt to pull the emotions into it._

Spock let his frustration sit in the pit of his stomach, letting it churn and swirl fiercely so as to serve as a solid core for him to draw his other emotions into. From that core, he reached out and pulled each emotion in one by one. His eyes fluttered frantically underneath their lids, but he did not give up. Some emotions were more difficult to pull in than others, but after some time, he was able to draw them all in. The emotions, however, were all still very separate and capable of spinning off once more. From this point, he needed to merge them all into one single emotion and then negate it. His jaw began to twitch from the enormous amount of effort he used to fuse the emotions into one.

Sweat poured down Spock's face like rain. He could feel fewer emotions the harder he tried, but he was beginning to lose strength. Prime's voice rang in his ears: _Do not lose it Spock; they are beginning to fuse together. Keep it up! _Slowly the emotions became fewer and fewer until only one existed, the one at the very core: frustration. Again came Prime's voice: _Now, breathe deeply. You will need to negate the frustration that dwells inside you. Your body is tense and its tenseness will only allow the frustration to grow within you. Relax your mind and body and simply feel the frustration._

Air filled Spock's lungs and was slowly released. He repeated this simple action over and over, feeling his body relax and his mind begin to clear. When his body and mind were at ease, he pushed the frustration back into a ball and attempted to negate it. Gradually he felt the ball of frustration inside of him thinning. The ball of frustration thinned more and more until it was gone completely. He felt nothing, nothing but a serene calmness that filled him completely.

Spock's eyes opened to see a smiling Prime before him. He returned the smile with a knowing nod. The two stood up simultaneous and cleaned themselves off once more. Prime walked over to where Spock stood with his hands behind his back.

"Well done Spock," he said with pride in his voice. "You have performed the meditation technique necessary for merging and negating your emotions. This technique will be an invaluable tool for merging the opposing sides that dwell deep within you. However, you still require much more practice. Until the meditation becomes simple and effortless, you will not be able to successfully perform the merge, but now that you see what the technique requires, I am confident that you will be able to do so sooner rather than later."

"From this point, you will simply need to continue practicing this technique on your own. There is no more I can teach you from this point." A sad look showed on Prime's face. "As we have agreed upon, you will be returning to the Enterprise tomorrow morning. At least, I assume that is still the case."

Spock raised an eyebrow, curious about the tone that Prime spoke in. "It sounds as if you are somewhat saddened with my departure." Prime closed his eyes and chuckled. "It appears," he said, "that my words have betrayed my emotions. Yes, I am somewhat saddened at your departure. I have spent so many of my days alone that I had forgotten how enjoyable the company of others can be." He lifted his eyes to meet with Spock's. "In addition, spending time with you has made realize what a father feels like when he spends time with his son. I am beginning to wish Jim and I looked into having a child together."

Though he said nothing, Spock's mind reeled at the thought of him and Kirk having a child together. Technology had progressed far enough to surpass the incompatibility of Vulcan and human genes, which allowed for his own birth. Though he was unfamiliar with the science behind it, he knew that technology now also allowed two men to bear a child together without the assistance of a female egg. It was a rather disturbing aspect for him at the moment, so he decided not to dwell on the thought much, though he did wonder what kind of parents he and Kirk would be.

His thoughts were interrupted by Prime clearing his throat. He refocused his eyes on Prime's face, which no longer showed any signs of the sadness he felt inside. Despite the calm exterior Prime presented, Spock could sense his true feelings beneath the surface. "At any rate," Prime continued, "I cannot force you to stay here any longer than you desire, especially not for my own selfish reasons.

Prime walked inside his house, Spock watching him as he went. He stopped right outside of the door and turned his head to the side. "I always wondered why it was that no matter how long I stayed, my mother cried whenever I left home after a visit. It seems I finally understand why." Without clarifying, Prime walked into the house and left Spock to stand outside, his mouth agape.

* * *

The morning sun rose slowly over the horizon, painting the sky pink and orange. Morning dew clung to the grass as birds chirped their morning song in the trees. The day was just beginning, yet Kirk stood outside his Iowa home with his bag slung over his shoulder. His mother had a sad look on her face as she looked at her youngest son. "Honey, are you sure you want to leave so early? You still have a week of leave left, and you said yourself that when your leave ends, you'll be out in space for five years straight. Shouldn't you enjoy your free time a little more before going back?"

Kirk gave his mother a sad, yet loving smile. "You're right, I should. But there are some things I want to take care of back on Enterprise before I lead her and the crew. Besides, I've still got a lot of thinking to do about the whole…you know…and I'll have an easier time sorting things out if I have nothing around to distract me. 'Course, if you wanted to make some more of your homemade blueberry cobbler, I might be convinced to stay a _little_ longer."

His mother laughed, "If you have any more of my cobbler, you won't be able to fit into your uniform!"

The two laughed together and then just looked at each other. His mother's eyes grew misty as she looked at her son. She placed a hand on his face, which he covered with his own. She smiled, and said, "You look so much like your father now. I just know that if he were alive today, he'd be _so_ proud of what you've become."

Hearing these words from his mother struck a chord in Kirk's heart. Tears came to his eyes, and he attempted to shake it off. "Aw, come on mom. It'll do no good getting me all choked up before I go."

His mother's lip trembled as she drew her son into a tight hug. Kirk wrapped his arms around her as she cried softly. Kirk found himself getting swept in the moment and let a few tears fall from his eyes as well. He held on to his mother tightly, fully aware that it would be last time he'd be able to hug her for at least another five years.

After holding on for some time, the two finally broke their hug and looked at each other again. While his mother left the tears to dry on her face, Kirk quickly rushed to wipe his away. "Dang it mom, I didn't want to leave home on such a sappy note."

She smiled at her son, amused by his feeble attempts to hide his feelings. She reached up for his face and brought it down low enough for her to plant a kiss on his forehead. Looking him in the face, she said, "Don't ever try to hide who you really are dear. Those of us who love you love you for all that you are, not what you present to us."

He stood up fully and looked at his mom. It was amazing how strong and wise a woman she really was. He took a deep breath and said, "Well, it's about time I get going. After all, what's Enterprise without her captain?" He gave his trademark pearly white smile and stared at his mom again, who smiled back.

"Take care of yourself mom."

"You too, honey."

Kirk hopped onto his motorcycle and revved it. He turned to his mother and waved. She waved back, a look of fondness and sadness mixed together on her face. With a final rev, Kirk hurtled down the road and soon faded out of sight.

* * *

The Two Spocks stood facing each other in the early morning light. The elder Spock stood on the steps of his home, while the younger stood at the bottom, looking up. The two took a moment to simply stare at one another, one looking at his past, the other at his future.

"You have my thanks for allowing me to reside temporarily in your home," Spock said, giving a bow out of respect for his elder.

Prime nodded in return at Spock. "It seemed the most logical choice to make. You had much to learn, and there was no way of guestimating your potential reaction." He paused for a moment, looking at the youth before him. "Spock, this may sound strange, but seeing as the timeline has altered greatly, I feel it necessary to mention. All that you learned of my own past does not dictate any decisions you should make in the near and distant future. While my Jim and your Jim are technically still the same person with only slight differences, the difference between you and I are much greater. Your destiny is yours to choose, and if you choose not to be as…intimate…as Jim and I were, there is nothing wrong with that."

Spock took a moment to let these words sink in. He then raised his head up high, and said, "You and I both know that I do not believe in the human definition of destiny. As you said, my destiny is my own to choose and direct. However, you and I both also know that when given concrete evidence, I am compelled to believe something as true and unavoidable. If your Jim and my Jim are truly near mirror images of one another, it is logical to assume that my bond with him will be just as strong as yours."

Prime chuckled lightly as Spock gave a smug smirk in kind. "It will take more than a simple mind meld for you to know all that James T. Kirk truly is. There are many things you will have to see and experience for yourself. However, you have proven that you can boldly face the unknown and come out brilliantly in the end, and I have no further worries of what will come. This may very well be the last time we see each other, and so it should be. I do, however, have a parting gift I would like to give you."

_A gift? _Spock thought to himself. _What in the world could Prime have to give me? _He watching in shock as Prime pulled out the book of Romantic poets that he had seen Spock read throughout the duration of his visit from within his robe. He then turned and handed it to the young Vulcan, who simply looked at him in disbelief.

"I cannot not accept this gift," Spock said.

"You can and you will," Prime said in a very matter of fact manner. "It is my express desire for you to take this with you, not only because you showed a very high level of interest in it during your visit, but because I feel like you can learn much from the poetry within it. The best way to understand the human heart is to read poetry, as all poetry is born from the emotions humans hold inside their heart. You're already well on your way to better understanding the man you are falling in love with."

Spock looked at the wise Vulcan who stood before him, bearing the same face as he, only aged by the years of life Spock had not yet lived. He tried to say something, but he found that he had no words. This simple gesture of giving him a book had rendered him completely speechless.

Prime smiled at Spock and raised his hand in the traditional Vulcan farewell hand sign. "As before, I will simply say, 'Good luck', but I will also add, 'to thine own self, be true.'"

Spock reciprocated the hand sign and nodded. "Be well, Prime."

"Be well, Spock."

Spock turned away and began his trek back to his ship. He turned back one final time to gaze at his older self, who still stood on his door step, looking back at him. He nodded one last time, and then continued back to his ship.

* * *

George Samuel Kirk and his family stood waiting by a shuttle in the Starfleet docking bay. George had to rearrange his schedule to meet with Kirk a week early, but it was worth it to see his little brother off. It had been quite some time since he saw him last, and even though he wanted to visit both Kirk and his mother in the house they grew up in, his utter detest of his step-father outweighed his desire. His wife Aurelan and his three sons waited patiently beside him, though his youngest son repeatedly rubbed his eyes sleepily. He hated pulling them out of bed so early in the morning, but with Kirk leaving on a five-year mission, it would be the last time they'd see him for at least that long.

Coming around a corner near the entrance of the bay was Kirk, wearing his favorite leather jacket and carrying a moderate sized duffle bag. George smiled at the sight of his little brother. Even from afar he could see that he hadn't changed a bit. His sons ran forward to greet their uncle, cheerfully crying "Uncle Jim! Uncle Jim!" as they ran. Kirk laughed and dropped his bag, bending down to hug his three nephews. The boys ran full force into Kirk and knocked him down. With a smirk, he walked over to where his sons had tackled his brother, his wife following close behind.

Kirk managed to sit up with the three boys still holding on to him tightly. He saw his brother and sister-in-law approach him and gave a warm smile which they reciprocated. Laughter in his voice, he greeted them. "Hey there George. Aurelan. Good to see you two again. Obviously the boys are doing well!"

George laughed at his younger brother and extended his hand to help him back up. Aurelan said to her children, "Come now boys, let Uncle Jim get up. He hasn't seen Daddy in a while and he's going to be leaving on a very long mission." Reluctantly, the boys let go of their uncle, but the smiles on their faces didn't go away.

Eagerly, they started asking questions. "Uncle Jim! Is it true you're the youngest captain in Starfleet history?!?"  
"What's it like flying a huge ship like the Enterprise?!?"  
"Do you have a lot of girlfriends?!?"  
"What's it like working with aliens?!?"

George quickly hushed his over excited children. "Quiet boys!" He sighed, much to his brother's amusement. Finally able to speak with his brother, George began, "So, what's the big idea of changing your departure time, huh? Iowa get too boring for you?"

Kirk chuckled. "There's only so much dirt and grass a man can take, and if I keep going to the bar, they're gonna post my face up on a flyer that says 'Do not serve this man'." He turned to his sister-in-law, who as always, radiated beauty and grace. When George brought Aurelan to meet Kirk and their mother, it was all Kirk could do to submerge his jealousy. There was not a single woman alive that he knew that was as perfect as his brother's wife, and it drove him mad that he hadn't been the one lucky enough to find her. "How's George treating you Aurelan? Not making you clean the house all day is he?"

She giggled beautifully, causing another twinge of jealousy to pull at Kirk. With the voice of an angel, she replied, "Oh no, of course not. He treats me ever so well. Now his boys on the other hand, they like to keep me on my toes!"

The three boys laughed as they clung onto their uncle's sides. The youngest chimed in, "I like to make mud pies for Mommy!" Kirk turned and put his hand on top of the boy's head, ruffling his dark brown hair. "Mud pies, huh?" he said. "You don't make your mommy eat them do you?" The boy giggled and shook his head. "No, but I try to make Peter eat them!" From the other side of Kirk, Peter exclaimed, "Yeah, but it never works! I'm too big to be eating mud pies!"

Laughter echoed throughout the empty docking bay. George looked at his brother and asked, "But seriously, you've got a whole 'nother week of leave left. What on Earth are you going to do on the Enterprise? If you thought Iowa was boring, I can't imagine how boring a giant ship like the Enterprise will be with no one else aboard!"

With a smirk, Kirk replied, "With all the paperwork they make me fill out as a captain, I'll have more to do than I'd care to. Besides, I'm getting ready to go on a five year long mission into uncharted space. I need all the time I can get to get better acquainted with the ship. I already sound like an idiot to my fellow crew members; last thing I wanna do is get myself into a situation I won't know how to get out of."

His brother nodded, understanding all too well what it was that Kirk meant. He took a long look at the man in front of him and realized rather quickly that the man he saw was not the same rambunctious little boy he grew up with. "Looks like you've really grown up, Jim."

"Yeah," Kirk said. "I guess I have." The two brothers looked at each other in silence while Aurelan shooed the boys away to give the two men some time alone. George took a deep breath and smiled at his little brother. "Well Jim, I wish you all the luck in the world. You've made me proud to be your big brother, and I can see you going far. Just don't forget about your old brother George when you're famous."

George took a few steps toward his brother and spread his arms. Kirk did the same, and the two embraced. Childhood memories brought tears to their eyes. They held on tightly to each other, neither ready to let the other go. Aurelan watched from afar, a stray tear falling from her eye down her cheek. Even the three young boys stared quietly at the touching scene between their father and their uncle.

Patting his back, George pulled back and looked at his little brother again, his eyes red rimmed and watery. It didn't surprise him to see the same thing before him. Neither bothered to wipe their tears as the deep love between them surpassed any machismo desire to look tough. George's voice came out strained and tight. "Well, if you've got a lot to do on the Enterprise, I won't keep you."

Aurelan and the boys walked back over to the brothers and took their turns hugging Kirk. Aurelan hugged him first, the faint fragrance of flowers wafting into Kirk's nostrils. The boys had apparently gotten caught up in the moment and started crying too. Kirk opened his arms wide and hugged all three of them at once, stroking their backs as he tried to calm them down. "Come on guys, it's only five years. Before you know it, crazy Uncle Jim will come back with a million exciting stories to tell you."

His attempt to reassure the young boys was ineffective. Between their sobs, they each blubbered, "I'm gonna miss you Uncle Jim…"  
"Don't go Uncle Jim…"  
"Can't you come back sooner? Five years is forever…"  
They sobbed openly and loudly, tears streaming down their smooth, chubby cheeks. Aurelan pulled her children away and held them all in her arms, allowing them to sob as she gently shushed them. She smiled her beautiful smile at Kirk and nodded, giving him the go ahead to head over to the shuttle.

Standing back up, he gave his brother a final hug. George whispered in his ear, "Give 'em hell out there Jim. Show 'em what we Kirks are made of." Kirk's eyes closed as his throat began to close up from the sadness of leaving his family behind. He released his big brother and managed to smile through his tears. He nodded and said, "See you around George."

George smiled and said, "You'll know where to find me when you get back Jim." Kirk picked up his bag and made his way toward the shuttle. The boys released their mother and yelled their goodbyes. Kirk turned around and waved goodbye to his nephews, walking backwards for a short time before turning back around. He climbed into the shuttle and motioned to the pilot that waited inside to start the shuttle up and make their way to the Enterprise. The pilot saw the tear-streaked face of the young captain and nodded silently. His expression was one that he saw frequently in these situations, but something about seeing it on Kirk's face left an impression on him.

The pilot thought to himself as he started the shuttle up and Kirk buckled himself in, _I guess even starship captains allow themselves to cry every now and then too._


	9. Control

**Ch 7: Control**

The Enterprise was completely silent when Kirk came aboard. It seemed every single crew member was taking full advantage of the two weeks of shore leave before their five year mission begun. After parting with his own family, he couldn't really blame any of them. He was already feeling the pangs of homesickness and he had just left. But he really did need to have some time to himself to think. The dreams were still persisting, and it seemed like his waking life was being invaded by thoughts of Spock as well. He thought about the way the man walked, the deep tone of his voice that varied between tenor and baritone, the smoothness of his face…

Kirk shook his head. If he let his train of thought roam free for much longer, he'd find himself in need of another cold shower. He sighed, realizing that at his current rate, a cold shower was inevitable. Though he was beginning to realize his feelings for the Vulcan ran far deeper and far stronger than he had believed, he wasn't quite ready to act on any arousal that resulted from any indecent thoughts, which he seemed to have more often than he cared for nowadays.

As he passed by the Vulcan's quarters, Kirk wondered if Spock was still on the colony. This was a rare chance for him to see the progress of his people, one he wouldn't get again soon. It was likely that he was doing everything he could to assist them while he had the free time to do so. On the off chance that the Vulcan really was on the ship, he knocked lightly on the door. As he expected, there was no response. Of course, that didn't mean the Vulcan wasn't in the room. For all he knew, he was inside the room sleeping soundly in his bed. Kirk began to wonder if Spock wore clothing when he went to sleep at night…

He shook his head violently as more improper thoughts of Spock sprung to his mind. Was there no escape from it? He stalked down the corridor to his room and opened the door. Much to his surprise, he found Spock sitting down in the corner, a data pad in his hands.

Kirk gave a startled cry in surprise. His heart immediately began to race at the sight of the very _last_ person he expected or wanted to see. Here he was, still trying to sort his feeling out about Spock, and he was sitting there inside his room, waiting for him! "Jesus, Spock! I thought you were visiting the new Vulcan colony!"

Spock shifted his attention from his data pad and quirked an eyebrow at Kirk. "Indeed I was. In fact I spent more time at the colony than I had originally anticipated. Despite that, I found it agreeable to see my people recovering from their loss and moving forward with their lives." He cocked his head to the side. "If anyone should be surprised, it should be me. I had thought you would be spending the entirety of the two weeks of shore leave we were granted by Starfleet with your family in Iowa. Why would you return to the Enterprise with a whole week left?"

"Oh," Kirk said, trying to keep a cool demeanor. He certainly didn't want to tell the Vulcan he had come back early to determine whether or not he really loved him or not. So he did what most humans did when they didn't want to tell the truth and were on the spot – he adlibbed. "Well, there's only so much of Iowa to soak in. Two weeks and I would have been bashing my own head in! Besides I couldn't stay away from the Enterprise for too long, I had…important…captainy…stuff…….why the hell are you in my room?!?" Kirk may have been pretty good at adlibbing normally, but it was rather hard for him to think with his heart thumping in his ears.

Spock thought for a moment. Why _did_ he come to Kirk's quarters instead of his own? He had intended to retire to his quarters and practice meditation, but for some reason, he found himself drawn to Kirk's quarters. His heart skipped a beat as he locked eyes with the handsome young captain before him. When he stared into his stunning blue eyes, he realized he didn't really care why he was there, he was just glad that he was. But of course, he had to answer his captain; being caught sitting inside his room may not have been a punishable offense, but it was certainly out of the ordinary.

"I…must admit," he stumbled, having even more trouble adlibbing than Kirk had, "I am a bit uncertain myself as to why I chose your quarters instead of mine. Perhaps it was, as you humans say, my gut instinct, which led me here."

"Yeah, I don't exactly see how or _why_ your 'gut instinct' would lead you _here _of all places," Kirk said, unable to keep the venom out of his voice. "To be honest, I'd really prefer to have some time alone."

A stab of pain shot through Spock's heart unexpectedly. Faltering, he replied, "That is completely understandable Captain, however considering you are on the ship, I believe it to be imperative that I be debriefed on my findings." He couldn't describe it, but now that he had seen that the captain was on the ship with him, he wanted to tell him everything he experienced.

Kirk was decidedly less eager to see the Vulcan, much less be alone on the ship with him. He turned his head away, exasperated. He really wanted more time to think about things before having to deal with Spock. "Spock," he said carefully. "I'm sure you've learned quite a bit from your stay, but seeing as how everything you learned from the other Spock was already implanted into my head, I doubt anything you tell me will be a surprise."

"On the contrary," retorted Spock. "I believe you only have half the story, and unintentionally at that."

"Well intentional or not, the half I got has been wrecking havoc with me for a while now, and I'd like to try and get that out of my system before I regain command of the Enterprise with you as my number one, and let me tell you, having you alone with me in this room is the _worst_ possible situation for me to be in right now!"

Spock carefully placed his data pad on the desk behind him. He stood up and began walking closer to Kirk. Something had snapped inside of him when he heard Kirk's words. He wasn't angry, but he suddenly felt like confronting the captain. "And why would that be, _Captain?_ Surely you aren't _emotionally compromised_ in any way? I would hate to have to regain command of the Enterprise when you have already been officially sworn in as its leader."

Kirk backed into the door, trying desperately to get away from Spock. The look in his eyes unnerved him. He suddenly remembered the last vivid dream of him and Spock in a scarily similar situation, and was afraid he could see where this could go. "Hey, stay away from me, alright? I don't want you getting any closer to me…"

"Whatever is the matter, _Captain?_" Spock said, now slowly chasing Kirk around the edge of the room. "Could it be you are _afraid_ to be near me?"

"Man, I told you, get away from me!" Kirk knocked over papers and assorted knick knacks that sat on his desk as he continued to get as far away from Spock as he could. Tripping over his own foot, he fell backwards onto his bed. He crawled backwards on the bed, anxious to get away, but was quickly reliving his last dream almost verbatim.

Spock stood over Kirk, who had managed to worm his way into the corner of his room. Quickly assessing the situation, he could tell that Kirk was in no condition to try and escape. And seeing as Spock held the greater strength of the two, Kirk could easily be overpowered so long as he was within his grasp. Although it was not his original intention to bring the situation to its current development, the human side of him found this to be a rather enjoyable turn of events.

"Captain, I must say, I never thought I would see a man of your character cowering in the corner of his room in such a way, especially not because of _me._ I find this…" Spock raised an eyebrow and gave an evil smirk that sent Kirk's heart into his throat. "_Fascinating_."

"Well, be fascinated in another room, will ya?" Kirk pleaded from the corner, drawing his knees up. There was no way he was going to be violated like he had been in his dream. Not if he could help it. Unfortunately, he was so wracked with fright, he couldn't put his normal battle plan of swing first, talk later into action.

Something unfamiliar stirred inside of Spock, something carnal, something strangely _dark._ He found himself allured by the power he had over the situation. He also found himself enjoying the fact that the cocky James Tiberius Kirk was now completely vulnerable. There was nothing he could possibly do to gain the upper hand in this situation. No tricks, no lies, not even brute strength.

Spock was completely in control.

He lowered himself onto the bed and crawled on hands and knees over to where Kirk sat in the corner, relishing the fear he saw in his eyes. Kirk turned his head and closed his eyes tightly, thinking childishly that if he didn't make eye contact, Spock would just go away. Spock took Kirk's chin firmly in his hand and forced his head to turn back to face him. Kirk's eyes opened to see Spock dark eyes staring fiercely at him. Memories of the dream came flooding back as he felt himself get lost in those mysterious eyes. He felt himself begin to lose control completely, but he was unsure of how he felt about it. The heat of the moment made him yearn for Spock to dominate him as he had in the dream, but the part of him which still held on to reason made him squirm in defiance.

Kirk breathlessly cried, "No…don't…" which only drew Spock's attention to his lips. Now that he looked, he realized just how full and pink Kirk's lips were. They were slightly moist and look incredibly soft. Spock knew full well that he would never know just how soft they were until he sampled them for himself. He leaned forward and kissed Kirk full on the lips, sucking tenderly on his bottom lip. They were even softer than they looked, and tasted somewhat sweet. Kirk's mind went blank as the sweet sensation of Spock's lips commanded his full attention. Time itself stood still and absolutely nothing else in the universe existed except him and Spock. It was a kiss unlike anything he had ever experienced.

Spock's hand released its grip from Kirk's face and began trailing down, down his neck, down his chest, and down his stomach. When the hand passed his waistline, Kirk's senses returned to him, and the full reality of the situation hit him like a ton of bricks. He reached out with his hands and shoved Spock hard in the chest. Caught completely off guard, Spock flew off the bed and landed backwards onto the floor. The two looked at each other with wide eyes, both unsure if what had just happened was real or not. Spock blinked rapidly, suddenly realizing what he had just done. It was the bridge incident all over again, only this time, he was unprovoked. Something inside of him had snapped, and once again, he lost all control over his emotions. What _was _it about this man that drove him to react this way?

Spock quickly stood up and stared at Kirk, who still had a look of fear on his face, but this time, confusion showed as well. Without speaking a word, Spock turned on his heel and left the room, leaving Kirk to recuperate.

Kirk stared at the door which now sat wide open. He was unsure of what happened, and even more unsure of why he stopped it. He struggled to regain his breath, but it was as though Spock had stolen the very air out of his lungs with that one single kiss. He wanted to run after Spock and continue where he had left off, but he also wanted to hide away in his room until the shore leave was over. He balled back up into the corner of his room and thought silently:

_What's __**happening**__ to me?!?_


	10. Express Yourself

**Ch 8: Express Yourself**

The door closed behind Spock as he arrived into his room. He doubled over in an attempt to steady his breath and heartbeat, but to no avail. He found himself not only breathless and flustered, but shaken to the point where he actually trembled. How could such a drastic emotional response be elicited from him _again? _While the mind meld proved to be a great emotional strain, he had thought he had recovered from it fully during his time at the Vulcan colony…at least until he saw Kirk again.

He pondered the mystery of his presence in Kirk's quarters; what possessed him to go there when it was obvious the Captain wasn't aboard the ship? He recalled dropping his belongings into his quarters, and then making his way to Kirk's quarters with his data pad. After reading so much of the Romantic poetry from the book Prime gave him, he wanted to write some of his own. Though he still couldn't recall his reasoning for going there of all places to write poetry, he found himself inspired to write freely while he was there.

All had been going well until he saw Kirk. It was possible that he had been so immersed in letting his emotions flow into the words he entered on his data pad, he didn't draw them back in enough to control himself fully. In addition, Kirk's sudden appearance immediately reminded Spock of some of the things he was attracted to about the man. Everything about him seemed to change with his surroundings. His eye color could range anywhere between an icy, crystalline blue and a deep ocean blue. His hair was a deep brown at some times and sandy blond at others. Those deliciously soft lips could easily pull back and reveal a sparkling smile or could turn downwards into an angry scowl. Kirk had so much freedom and flexibility with his facial features that Spock found himself rather envious of the man.

As a Vulcan, even only a half Vulcan, his appearance was dictated from the day he was born: jet black hair, shortly cut in a very bland orderly fashion. Deep, dark eyes that masked any emotions that might be brewing beneath the surface. Tight, pursed lips that rarely, if ever moved in any direction, either up or down. His ears. His horribly pointed ears. Those ears were a source of much teasing when he entered Starfleet Academy; apparently he was considered the freak of all the races – having a mostly human appearance save those noticeably pointed ears that hailed back to his true lineage.

He longed to be human and envied all those that were fully and truly human. He longed to have the freedom to smile, frown, laugh, or cry; to not be bound by logic and control. Humans never really knew just how lucky they were to be what they were. The luckiest of those humans that he knew was Kirk. Of all the humans he had ever met, he was the one whose emotions ranged the farthest. Even though he was known for his trademark smile, one wrong move and his face could be filled with rage in an instant.

Perhaps that was what drew him to his room in the first place. Perhaps he simply wanted to be in the same room where that passionate man slept at night. Or maybe, somehow, he knew that Kirk would come back early. Knew that he'd go to his room and find him sitting there, waiting for him. Knew that just from seeing his face that he'd be tempted to touch him…

Spock brought his hand up to his face, still gasping for air. He could visibly see his long, slender hand shake. His physical reactions were extraordinarily extreme. There was also the tumult of conflicting emotions deep within him. Part of him was scared, unsure if he'd ever truly be able to control his emotions to the fullest extent anymore, especially not with Kirk as his captain. Part of him was repulsed; he and Uhura were still seeing each other, and to make a sexual advance at not only another person, but another _man,_ was unbecoming even among human standards. Part of him was excited at how unpredictable his reactions were around Kirk. After leading a life of mechanical responses and citing rules, regulations, quotes, and theories, this man, this hot-blooded, reckless, stunning young human man, scraped away every last bit of his Vulcan ways until only the raw, suppressed human in him could be seen. And that part, the human in him, was completely and utterly turned on.

The human in him was surprisingly dark and twisted, Spock realized. It finally fully dawned on him that his biggest, deepest, darkest desire was to dominate Kirk. Not just to prove he was stronger and more intelligent, no. It had gone far beyond that now. As he had said to Bones after marooning Kirk, his prize stallion had to be broken in, and it was a task he was all too delighted to take on fully by himself. He licked his still moist lips, the taste of Kirk still lingering. Another evil smirk appeared on his face, one that spread wider on his face now that he was in private. His hand clenched into a fist as he stared blankly into space, determination clear on his face.

Yes. He would break the young captain. Break him of his promiscuous, flirtatious ways. Draw his attention to him and him alone. No other would ever take him away from him. He had laid claim to him. Spock thought sinisterly to himself:

_He belongs to __me__… _

The words echoed in his ears, somehow bringing him back to his senses. He clasped his head and dropped to his knees. _No,_ he thought, _what am I __THINKING__?!? Why__am I thinking these thoughts?!? Are they truly my own? Am I going __MAD?!?_

His head flew up out of his hands, his eyes darting swiftly around the room. There had to be some logical explanation for this psychological break down. It was not yet time for his _pon farr_; he still had a few years before it came. Could he be contaminated in some way? When exposed to certain neurotoxins, Vulcan became completely illogical and resorted to their baser instincts. Add his human heritage to the mix and surely it would explain everything.

Spock rose to his feet, calming himself as much as he could. The thought that he could be more than just emotionally compromised oddly gave him great comfort. Yes, since all this happened the moment he stepped foot on the Enterprise, it had to be that somehow there was something in the air that contaminating him. He needed only to cleanse himself to regain his senses. He walked swiftly out of his room, anxious to reach sick bay…

Then it occurred to him: The mind meld. Both he and Kirk had undergone the mind meld. Despite the fact that Spock had willingly melded minds with Prime, the sheer amount of emotional transference must be affecting his judgment and his actions. This also explained why Kirk was so unnaturally afraid of Spock, as his mind meld with Prime was unanticipated and transferred far more information than was originally intended. Regardless of his reasoning, he should never have stepped foot in Kirk's quarters…

A terrible revelation dawned on Spock: He had left the data pad he was writing on in Kirk's quarters! There was a chance he wouldn't even notice it, but what if he did?!? What if he saw what Spock had written?!? It wasn't entirely direct, but unfortunately for Spock, Kirk wasn't stupid. No, he was far from it, and he took an abnormal amount of pleasure in making everyone think he was an idiot only to throw just how intelligent he was in their face when they least expected it. Must have something to do with that overabundance of self-pride… In any case, even though Spock had written the poem in Vulcan to prevent prying eyes from reading it, it was likely that Kirk had voluntarily learned Vulcan in his free time. If he happened to read that poem…

He ran toward Kirk's room, his face pale at the thought of Kirk reading what he had so intimately expressed in the poem. Before he could break into a full run, he stopped himself. After his actions, he couldn't simply return to the scene of the crime. Even though it was simply to recover what rightfully was his, if Kirk was truly afraid and unwilling to be around Spock, there would be a repeat of their last encounter the instant he entered the room. Or worse, he could act further on his dark desires and traumatize Kirk completely.

This thought brought a stabbing pain to Spock's heart. He clutched his chest and leaned against the corridor wall. The thought of Kirk being afraid of Spock shook him to his core. It hurt him to recall those normally beautiful blue eyes filled with fear at the sight of him. And what was worse, he took advantage of it. He used that fear to get what he wanted, which was completely unlike him.

Spock closed his eyes. How could he have hurt him? How could he have done something like that to him? And what's more, how could either of them forgive him for it?

Slowly, Spock turned around and returned to his room. He fell on to his bed, exhausted from the emotional roller coaster he had just rode on. He knew the best thing to do was to meditate and try to negate the dark side of him that seemed to be gaining a stronger hold on him, but he didn't have the energy to do it. The best course of action would be to not seek Kirk out, but rather let Kirk come to him. Perhaps by the time Kirk was comfortable enough to be around him, Spock would regain control of himself and his emotions would be back to normal.

He could only hope.

* * *

Kirk stood under the shower head, water soaking him from head to toe. Random puffs of steam clouds formed throughout the bathroom as Kirk couldn't seem to make his mind between taking a cold shower and taking a hot shower. As soon as the cold water hit him, he began to shake uncontrollably as the water on the ship was several degrees colder than the water in Iowa. But as soon as he switched back to hot water to thaw his frozen flesh, thoughts of Spock stole back into his mind and he would quickly switch back to cold to fend them, and the impending erection, off.

He turned the water off, frustrated that even a simple shower had become so difficult for him. He stepped out of the shower, water dripping off his lean, muscular body. He grabbed a nearby towel and wrapped it around him. Another smaller towel was used to dry his hair. He stepped back into his room and flopped in a nearby chair.

It was madness. That was his only explanation. A strange madness that developed from the mind meld he had with Spock. All the gobbledy-gook that festered in his mind had nothing to do with his own thoughts and feelings, but those of an ancient Vulcan who forced information into his head. Anger and humiliation boiled his blood as he recalled the incident with Spock. How could he have let himself act so passively? How could he not stand up to that pointy-eared bastard and kick his scrawny ass out of his room? Spock had gotten lucky during the Nero conflict. Kirk had been exhausted from Delta Vega and from saving Scotty. Had he been at full strength, he could have easily taken the Vulcan down.

Flashes of the fierceness in Spock's eyes sprung to Kirk's mind. He saw that crazed, untamed fierceness on the bridge after pushing him to his emotional limits, and he had seen it again that day. But the fierceness was somewhat different. When he was being choked, he saw rage and a desire to kill in Spock's eyes, but when he was being kissed…

Kirk recalled the kiss that he and Spock shared. He touched his lips, somehow still able to feel his bottom lip being suckled by Spock. It was a kiss that was passionate beyond any kiss he shared with a woman before. Somehow, there was a sweetness, a tenderness, a longing in it that was felt in that far too short moment.

He bit his bottom lip, frustrated at himself for stopping such an incredible kiss, and even _more_ frustrated at the gradual rise beneath his towel. What the hell was _wrong _with him?!? This was his First Officer! This was a Vulcan, a cold-hearted unfeeling robot! And furthermore, it was another _man!_ Kirk was a hot-blooded skirt chaser! He shouldn't be lusting after another man!

But if he thought about it, if he really and truly thought about it, there were certain things about him that were similar to the things that attracted him in a woman. He was head strong, he was intelligent, and he was unbelievably attractive (despite his distinctly obvious lack of breasts). He also had a power within him that matched and complimented his own. What set him apart from all the others was that instead of only possessing one or two of these characteristics at a time, he had it all. By that logic, his rapidly progressing attraction to the man made perfect sense. In fact, considering that he _was _a man, he could possibly be the only one worthy of him.

Every other woman he had been with was a mere tryst, save a couple who lasted longer than the romp in the bedroom. They were a conquest to be had that lost all its fun when he claimed them for his own. He was a heartbreaker before he boarded the Enterprise, not because he didn't value women for their strength and beauty, but because as soon as they made love, everything changed. The women would become clingy and flighty, which were two traits that were a total buzz kill for Kirk. Once the thrill of the chase disappeared completely, Kirk swiftly lost interest. Once he set his sights onto a woman, none resisted him for more than a week, save Uhura.

Ah, Uhura, another strong-willed woman. She was everything that turned him on most about women, and was the only one to resist him for over three years. Come to think of it, his attraction to her was mostly based on her severe lack of interest in him. After the Nero incident, it became quite clear how and why she was able to resist his advances; her sights were not just set elsewhere, they were set on Spock.

Jealousy reared its ugly head deep inside Kirk as he recalled their make out session on the teleport pad. After that, he had to endure the knowing looks they shot at each other, the whispers in each others' ears, the gentle touches as they passed each other on the bridge or in the hall.

It made him sick.

Yet Kirk was lost as to _why _it made him sick. Spock was a man that defied him every chance he got. Even after their vow to work together, still they conflicted. Spock cursed Kirk for his recklessness, while Kirk loathed the cool, indifferent reason Spock constantly spat at him. They stood on opposite sides of the spectrum and were like fire and ice, yet when they meshed and worked together for a common purpose, they were an unstoppable force. Despite their differences, he couldn't think of a better person to stand by his side as First Officer. But it was more than that. Something about Spock made him feel whole, complete. It was almost as if all the skirt-chasing he had done was to fill a hole that never seemed to go away, and once Spock came along, that hole, that emptiness, finally disappeared.

It finally hit Kirk. The mind meld wasn't the reason his emotions off; it instead was showing him _why _his emotions were off:

He was in love.

For the first time in his life, he found a kindred spirit that held the key to his heart, a person who he would give his life to protect.

Why the _hell_ did it have to be _Spock?!?_

Frustrated, he hit his fist on the wall-bound desk behind him. A data pad slipped and fell to the ground with a loud ka-thunk. His attention shifted to the fallen data pad, which he bent down and picked up gingerly. Luckily the data pad hadn't fallen from a high enough height to break and still functioned normally. He looked at the data pad and saw something written in Vulcan. _That's right, _Kirk thought to himself,_ Spock had this when I walked in on him. _He smirked at Spock's Vulcan handwriting and knew immediately that this wasn't meant for his eyes to see. It was too bad for Spock that Kirk knew a multitude of alien languages, including Vulcan.

Kirk held the data pad in his lap and began reading. Upon closer inspection, it seemed that Spock had written a poem. _A poem? What's Spock doing writing poetry? What does Spock even __**know**__about writing poetry?!? _Curiosity getting the better of him, he read the title of the poem: Complexity. _Hmm, _he thought. _Complexity, huh? This could be interesting… _He read on:

A world of darkness swirls within,  
The life which makes my vision spin,  
The sadness which my heart can not dispel;  
Were it true to feel no more  
The aching pain within my core,  
I would gladly end it all, this horrid hell.

But those blue eyes I see so clearly,  
Which give me strength when I am weary  
Would be forever lost and gone to waste.  
Skip no more my heartbeat would,  
Yet banish the rage inside, I could.  
A decision must be made, and made with haste!

The complexity that all can see,  
Can that be all there is to me?  
Sometimes I feel it true, but does he too?  
I hate myself and love him so,  
It can not be! It all must go,  
But losing him I simply can not do.

It wasn't until Kirk finished reading the poem that he remembered to breath. His mind raced with thoughts as the poem's true meaning began to solidify in his head. _Oh my God… _he thought incredulously. _This poem is about me? Why is he writing poetry about __**me?!? **__And such romantic poetry too…it's like he's conflicted about whether he loves me or not…but not just that…whether it's __**right **__for him to love me or not. But what's this about darkness swirling and his vision spinning? This doesn't make any sense… _

Kirk rose from his chair and walked toward his door with the data pad in hand when he caught himself. There were two reasons he shouldn't leave his room: one, he had nothing save a towel covering himself up. If Spock was as conflicted as his poem indicated, showing up almost naked wouldn't help anything. Two, he had just read something personal that wasn't meant for him to read, hence the Vulcan handwriting. He couldn't just waltz into Spock's quarters and say, "Hey Spock, your poem sounds like you're in love with me! What's up with that?!?"

Sighing, Kirk walked back to the desk where the data pad originally lay and placed it back on there, this time further from the edge so it wouldn't fall again. After he did that, he decided to find something, anything, to take his mind off of the extremely strange position he found himself in. If Spock really did love him, then that meant all that was left was for them to tell each other. But after what had just happened, the last thing he needed was to approach Spock with a confession. He pulled open his drawer and pulled out some clothes. Surely there was _something_ on the ship he could do to distract himself…

…right?


	11. Distractions

**Ch 9: Distractions**

The sounds of a strangled cat echoed in the ship's recreation room. Seeing as there were no animals allowed on the Enterprise, surely the sounds weren't coming from an actually strangled cat. No, the horrible screeching sounds came from a violin, played by an unskilled Captain James T. Kirk. Kirk had never taken a single music class as a child, and thus didn't even know how to play the recorder. Still he pulled the bow across the strings, attempting rather poorly to play Baa, Baa, Black Sheep. He didn't strum the violin so much as make a pitiful sawing motion. Before long, a string broke on the violin for the third time in only half an hour, mercifully putting the violin out of its misery. Kirk ceased the sawing motion and sighed at the deceased violin. He found himself lucky that there were an abundance of violin strings to replace those that had snapped, but decided to leave that task to someone much more skilled than he.

Despite the total butchering of the poor instrument, Kirk carefully placed the instrument in its case and closed it. He slinked over to a nearby padded chair and slumped into it. Nothing in the recreation room had managed to distract him for long. Most of the games involved at least one additional person to play. A 208 card pyramid stood on one of the tables, defying gravity. None of the other instruments caught his interest, and the violin he had attempted to teach himself how to play merely turned into a victim of his sheer musical ineptitude. He tried reading through the many books that were available on the book shelves, but couldn't read past the first page of any of them.

He let out another sorrowful sigh. He checked the clock on the wall to see how much time he had managed to burn through. Only another half hour since last he checked. He had only been able to get four hours worth of any kind of enjoyable distraction from the recreation room, which sadly relied on the presence of many more people to be of any use.

Fingers drumming on the arms of his chair, Kirk desperately tried to think of more things he could do to distract himself from thoughts of Spock. He could use the exercise room and work out a bit. Perhaps a little sweat and pain could distract him longer than the recreation room did. After all, you don't need other people to exercise. He pictured himself running on a treadmill, his skin glowing with sweat. He saw Spock walking in on him, watching him as he ran. He saw himself turning to the Vulcan and wanting to find another way to physically exert himself…

Kirk smacked himself in the head. Exercise didn't seem to be a good idea. He then remembered that there was a theatre room on the ship as well. He could always pick a movie and put it into the projector. That would easily burn another two hours, assuming he only found one movie he wanted to see. He could pop some popcorn and go sit alone in the dark theatre, enjoying whatever he wanted to see without other people heckling or making out. Actually, he was usually the one doing the heckling or the making out. And if Spock were with him, he'd _definitely _be making out…

Another smack in the head. Movies were out too it seemed. The only thing he could think of that would effectively distract him and not lead to any dirty thoughts was ship maintenance. But what maintenance could he perform on a ship that had been maintained by Starfleet mechanics? It wasn't as if the ship was flying out in space, so there were no real readings or levels for him to monitor. But then again, he wasn't entirely familiar with how the Enterprise ran, so if nothing else, he could simply look at the multitude of documents the ship's computer stored and pour through them. It wasn't a particularly inviting idea, but it did seem like the most inane thing that could eat up hours and hours of time. If it didn't, at least it could put him to sleep for long enough.

With great reluctance, Kirk vacated the very comfortable chair he had plopped into and made his way to engineering. If there was ever a place to find a wealth of knowledge that could actually keep him somewhat interested, it'd be there.

* * *

Spock sat cross-legged in the center of the room, completely motionless. Breathing slowly and deeply with eyes closed, he made hardly a sound. If you didn't know that Spock was meditating, you would think he had fallen asleep sitting up. Just as he had practiced with Spock Prime, he relaxed his body and his mind. Upon doing so, he concentrated his emotions into a ball deep inside himself and focused on consolidating them into one. When his mind and body were fully at ease, he took gradually thinned the consolidated ball of emotion until it evaporated away into nothingness. Satisfied with his completion of the first half of his meditation, he proceeded to submerge himself further into his subconscious.

A bright light shined through his closed eyelids. Tentatively, he opened them. Before him wasn't his room on the Enterprise, but solid white light. There was no distinction between the ground he sat on and the space above his head. Uncrossing his legs, he stood up and surveyed his surroundings. The white light surrounded him in all directions as far as the eye could see. Beneath his feet was no sign of a shadow; it was as if he were floating, save the flatness of his feet on what should have been solid ground.

It looked as though he were all alone in the vast whiteness until he heard a voice. _Spock…_ The voice was soft and familiar. Where had he heard that voice before? He looked around, expecting to see someone, but saw only more whiteness. Again, the voice called. _Spock… _Again Spock looked around; still, no one could be seen. The voice reverberated all around him as if he stood in an auditorium.

Perplexed by the disembodied voice, Spock responded. "Who's there?" he asked, unsuccessfully masking the apprehension in his voice. As if on cue, Spock felt a tug at the bottom of his tunic. Relieved that there was finally a physical presence to go with the haunting voice, Spock looked down to find a young Vulcan boy looking back up at him with round, dark eyes. The boy appeared to be about seven or eight years old; after closer inspection, Spock recognized the little boy as himself.

The boy called his name again. "Spock," he said in the formal tone which was mismatched with his youthful voice. "Why are you here?"

Spock kneeled down to bring himself eye to eye with the younger version of himself. He was beginning to understand how Prime felt when they first encountered each other. Uncertainty in his voice, Spock said, "I am here to merge the two conflicting halves of myself into one so that I may have an unyielding domination of my emotions. It would be logical to presume that you are one of the halves I wish to merge."

The boy shook his head. "I am indeed on of the halves which comprise your inner self. However, what you aim to achieve is impossible as you are now." An eyebrow rose on Spock's face, but he said nothing, knowing his younger self would explain himself if given the time to do so. The boy continued as expected. "There is much you need to come to terms with before you can even dare to hope to resolve the internal divergence you currently are experiencing."

In the back of Spock's head, he was wondering how Vulcan children could have been forced to sound so adult at such a young age. It was disorienting being told words of wisdom from one who had not yet met puberty, but Spock reminded himself that this was not a mere Vulcan child, it was half of his inner self. It was natural for this seemingly young Vulcan to be speaking from experience because in reality, they were the exact same age.

Since it was apparent that the boy knew much more about himself than he had realized in his conscious life, he asked, "And what are some examples of the issues I need to 'come to terms with' before I can successfully merge you and my other half into one?" The young boy's gaze was steadfast as he said bluntly, "Your love for Captain Kirk."

Spock's face remained emotionless save the increase in size of his eyes. Playing stupid, he probed, "My _love_for Captain Kirk?" In a very un-Vulcan manner, the boy rolled his eyes at Spock. Letting his formal tone slip into a more casual one, the boy retorted, "You can't seriously be unaware of what I'm talking about, Spock. You may try to ignore your emotions and push them aside, but love is one emotion you have never been able to push away and hide. You couldn't push your love away for your mother, and there's no way you can push your love for the Captain away either."

"Your other half and I have been at war about this subject for longer than you realize," the boy explained. "You may be disillusioned to the idea that Prime's mind meld with both you and the Captain was the onset of your internal conflict, but it has been a rather touchy subject since we first met him in the assembly before Starfleet. You didn't call him out on his cheating because he had gone against everything the test stood for; you did it because you wanted to test him on a more personal level. You wanted to see what kind of man would deliberately go against you. And when you found out, you found yourself intrigued, far more than you should have been. Far more than you were with Nyota."

The calm expression in Spock's face weakened as anger flushed his cheeks. "You are implying," he said with a deadly tone, "That I prefer that hard-headed lummox over Nyota, a woman who has grace, elegance, intelligence, _and _control?"

An uncharacteristic scoff came from the young Vulcan's lips, catching Spock off guard. "You think just because she's a _woman _she's a better match for you? Don't fool yourself into thinking that she has more control than the Captain. If you pay any attention to her actions at all, you know just as well as I do that when it comes to you, she has little to no control. The way she flings herself at you when you're alone, both emotionally and physically, is disgustingly contradictory to what she portrays to everyone else. That elegance and grace you speak of is abandoned as soon as she has the chance to shower you with her affection. The only thing you're left with then, is her beauty and her intelligence, which may not be a bad combination in a woman, but for you to compare her to the Captain, you'll need a far better argument than that because there are plenty of beautiful, intelligent women in Starfleet that you've ignored completely."

"Captain Kirk is unlike anyone you've ever encountered and you know it," the Vulcan boy said, his words cutting into Spock like razors. "He's a true force to be reckoned with, and you would be a fool not to realize how much like yourself he really is simply because you're scared to love another man, or because he's your superior, or whatever flimsy excuse you can derive from that vast intelligence you inherited from your parents. Prime said it himself: you two need each other. The extent to which you need each other goes further than your duties to Starfleet and this ship; you need each other emotionally too, and to deny yourselves that would be self-destructive. You can attempt to fight what you know all you want, but soon enough, when you least expect it, your guard will slip and there will be no denying what you already know is true."

As the boy spoke, Spock did a stunning impression of a goldfish. The boy stared at the man's face in amusement, lifting a small hand upward to close his jaw. With a precious smile, he said, "This is one of the more immediate issues you need to resolve before we two can become one. There is much more, but for now, tackle this one obstacle so that you can see the others that obstruct your path to inner peace." He took a step back and vanished.

Spock stared in stunned silence before standing up straight and adjusting his tunic. He closed his eyes and felt himself rising upward. His eyes opened, and before him were the familiar surroundings of his room. He blinked rapidly and held his head with his hands. The emotions he had strived so hard to dissipate where coursing through his veins once more. He looked at the clock on his wall. He had meditated for three hours straight. Impressive considering the circumstances, but a mere drop in the bucket compared to how much time was left of shore leave. There was still no word from Kirk and he had to find some way to stay out of his way and to also keep himself occupied until Kirk was comfortable enough to approach him about the subject.

His inner self had been right though. The one emotion he felt more than anything else at that moment was the love he felt for Kirk. It frustrated him that he couldn't simply go up to Kirk and talk to him about everything, but he knew pushing the matter would only cause more problems. With a deep breath, he rose from his seated position and walked out of his room. What better way to keep oneself distracted than by performing extensive, strenuous mental tasks in various sections of the Enterprise?


	12. Come Together

**Ch 10: Come Together**

Two days had passed since Spock and Kirk had returned to the Enterprise. They both were doing a spectacular job of avoiding each other. Spock was determined to stay out of Kirk's way to allow him more time to himself, and Kirk was working up the courage to face Spock with his feelings. Each hour that passed seemed unusually longer to the two youths. Kirk would nervously check the clock frequently, hoping more time had passed that it really had. Spock was unable to concentrate on any of the tasks he assigned himself and the only thing he could focus on for longer than five minutes was meditation. Meditating had helped Spock put a reign on his emotions, but for some odd reason, he was unable to quell the anxiety that riddled his mind. At every sound, he'd turn around, hoping Kirk would be coming to talk, and every time, he found himself still alone.

It was quite odd that Spock felt so utterly out of sorts without the captain's company. As much as they annoyed him, his little quirks were what interested him the most about the captain. His wide, sometimes lopsided grin always managed to lift his spirits, even when they were arguing. His eyes had a strange way of drawing him in as if they were a tractor beam. The way he walked, the way he talked, his mannerisms…all these little things and more, Spock came to miss in their time apart.

Meanwhile, Kirk was going insane. The fantasies and the mind meld memories all but faded away to the back of his mind. However, his stomach was a constant ball of butterflies. Every flash of blue that caught his eye caused his breath to catch in his throat, making him think that just around the next corner would be Spock, working on some equally inane task. Of course, no one was there when he looked. There were times when he could have sworn Spock was in the same room as him when the two were in totally opposite areas of the ship. Where there was silence, he could hear his voice.

Kirk couldn't take it anymore. If he didn't go to see Spock, he was certain he'd start talking to the air around him. He marched down the corridor that led to Spock's room. As he turned a corner, something collided with him. Knocked back about a foot, he shook his head to straighten himself out. When he looked back up, he stood face to face with the very man he was going to see.

"Spock!" Surprise in his voice rang clearly through the silent corridor. Spock struggled to hide his own surprise upon seeing Kirk's face. He allowed the corners of his mouth to raise upward just enough to give the hint of a smile, but quickly pulled them back down. He ignored the beating of his heart and tried as hard as he could to sound casual about his run in with Kirk.

"Captain…your timing is impeccable. I was just on my way to see you."

Kirk laughed lightly, his mood infinitely brighter now that he and Spock were face to face. "Well whadda ya know. I was just on _my _way to see _you!_" Spock straightened himself up and clasped his hands behind his back. The beating of his heart seemed to increase, making it harder for him to hide his feelings. "Seeing as though we are both on our way to see each other, perhaps we should pick a proper place to converse?"

Kirk shook his head. "No, now is as good a time as any to talk. Personally, I'd like to stay out of rooms with a bed for this discussion." This comment, though clearly made in jest, shook Spock internally. The slight falter in his calm exterior didn't escape Kirk's notice. "I'm…I'm sorry, uh, it probably wasn't a good idea to bring that up."

Spock's eye fell to the ground. He suddenly felt very awkward, though he expected that would happen. Taking a deep breath, he brought his eyes back up and looked into Kirk's blue eyes. "Captain…" Spock stopped and corrected himself, "_Jim_…" Kirk's eyebrows raised in surprise from hearing Spock use his first name. He hadn't heard it since they were aboard Spock Prime's ship. "I want to tell you how truly sorry I am for my actions. I…forgot myself. When I visited Spock Prime in the Vulcan colony, he performed a mind meld to help me better understand what would have been my future, and what had been his past. The sheer amount of information threw my usual control off, and as I was in a rather vulnerable state, I acted of a will that was not truly my own."

"Vulnerable?!?" scoffed Kirk. "You wanna talk about _vulnerable?!? _You chased me into a corner, climbed into my bed, and you ki…" Kirk faltered. "You _kissed_ me. And that wasn't just any kiss, oh no, that kiss was something unlike _anything_ I ever experienced before."

"Did you find it…_pleasurable?_" Spock purposefully emphasized the last word. Kirk gulped, not quite ready to respond with the truth just yet; his face betrayed him as his cheek turned scarlet. The corners of Spock's mouth perked up, which made Kirk's blood boil. Dropping his voice to a low volume and using a dangerous tone of voice, he raised a finger at the Vulcan before him. "What I felt from that kiss has nothing to do with my point. You took advantage of me. _Me. _And you did it at a time when _I _was at _my_ most vulnerable. And you couldn't just leave, no, not you. Not good ol' Mister Spock." Kirk inched closer and closer to Spock as his temper began to rise. "Mister Spock had to press the matter; he had to get up in my face; he had to do everything in his power to make me look weak!" Kirk poked Spock in the chest to emphasize his point.

It was strange. Just minutes ago, Kirk was anxious to tell Spock that he loved him and that he had been a fool not to realize it sooner. Now he was in the Vulcan's face, ranting angrily. It became clear to Kirk that distance truly made the heart grow fonder, because now that he finally was with Spock, he remembered all the things that pissed him off about him.

A deadly fire flared in Spock eyes as anger welled deep within him. He countered Kirk's forward momentum with his own. His expectations for a heartfelt talk of deepest desires and love had swiftly disappeared and he had all but forgotten how much he had longed to see Kirk again. "And what about _you?" _he said with a deep rumble in his voice. "Who are _you _to talk about taking advantage of someone and making them look weak?!? As I recall, you never apologized for your actions on the bridge after returning from Delta Vega. As I recall, you never even _explained _to me your reasoning behind it, and as I recall, while Prime personally requested that you find a way to reveal my emotional compromise, it was _you_ who chose the words you said. You humiliated me in front of _everyone _on that bridge, and so help me if my father was not present, you would have been _dead_ on that control panel!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Kirk said sarcastically, closing the gap between them, which was already mere inches. "Were you _offended_ by what I said? Well I'm sorry I didn't exactly shower you with praise for _marooning me on a fucking __ICE PLANET__!!!!!_"

Kirk grabbed a fistful of the Vulcan's shirt. Spock's dark eyes narrowed. "Release me at once, _Captain._"

"No. I don't think I will," Kirk spat venomously. "You know, I still owe you an ass whoopin'. No wait, make that _two. _One for marooning me, and one for the beat down on the bridge! And this time, daddy's not here to reel you back in!" Kirk reared back and flung his fist at the Vulcan, whose reflexes proved to be much faster than anticipated. Spock released himself from Kirk's grip and punched him squarely in the jaw. Kirk stumbled backwards, but did not fall. However, before he could prepare another attack, the Vulcan lunged at his waist and tackled him. The two hit the ground with a loud thud, the wind being knocked out of Kirk's lungs. He raised a hand to hit Spock, but the Vulcan's reflexes proved faster yet again. Spock grabbed the wrist of the hand Kirk tried to hit him with, grabbed the other before Kirk could prepare another attack, and slammed both onto the floor. Kirk squirmed helplessly underneath, anxious to get loose, but Spock straddled his waist, pinning his legs down firmly. Spock now had full control of the situation. His dark desires swirled again deep inside of him. He could lay claim to Kirk here and now and no one could stop him…

But he caught himself. The two days of meditation had helped Spock regain some of his former control of his emotions. While the desires were far from gone, he was able to contain himself long enough to say what he needed to say. "Now that I have prevented you from attacking," he calmly said, ignoring the daggers Kirk threw at him with his gaze, "perhaps we can speak civilly. I was en route to your quarters to discuss matters with you, and this is where my attempt got me. You are the most arrogant, reckless, frustratingly _stubborn _human male I have ever had the misfortune of becoming a subordinate to, and were it not for my human heritage, there would have been merely a 2.07 percent chance that I would have fallen in love with you as I have, unintentional and unavoidable as it may be."

"Yeah, well you're…wait, what?!?" Kirk looked up at the Vulcan, whose face flushed a deep green. "Call it madness, a sickness, a delusion, or even a mind meld side effect if you so please. But that does not change what I feel inside. For all intents and purposes, I should hate you with every fiber of my being. Every last thing about you is illogical, from your mannerisms to your words to your actions. But damn it all, you are the only human besides my mother that makes me proudly embrace my ability to feel."

Before Kirk could say another word, Spock planted a deep kiss on Kirk's parted lips. His tongue dove into Kirk's mouth, tingling with the same sweetness he tasted before. To his surprise, the human did not struggle, but rather, he returned the kiss fully. Spock slid his hands from Kirk's wrists to his hands and interlocked their fingers. He pressed his body against the full length of Kirk's body, feeling every swell of his chest as he breathed, and the rising bulge between his legs.

He broke the kiss suddenly, much to Kirk's dismay. The two gasped for air and stared at each other with longing in their eyes. "Now," Spock said between breaths, "I believe you had something you wished to discuss as well."

With a sly smirk, Kirk rolled quickly to his right, switching their positions. Now Spock lay on the floor and Kirk towered above him, their hands still intertwined. Spock showed no surprise on his face; rather, he gave a knowing look to his captain and smiled openly. "Well, seeing as you've bared your soul to me, I suppose I should do the same. You have got to be the most up-tight, anal, mechanical son-of-a-bitch that I've ever been attracted to. Since day one, you have managed to get under my skin, and despite how hard you try to remain calm, cool, and collected, you can't help but show your ass around me."

An eyebrow involuntarily shot upward on Spock's face as he gave an incredibly cute look of genuine confusion. "Jim, I do not recollect ever presenting a donkey before you or any other member of Starfleet. Furthermore, I do not see how this is in any way related to your confession."

Kirk laughed loudly and heartily. It was amazing just how dense his counterpart was. "You see, it's shit like that that makes me love you." He smiled his trademark pearly white smile, and though still confused about his last comment, Spock gave him one in return.

"So," Kirk said, bringing one of Spock's hands up to his lips and kissing it softly. "What do you suppose we do now? I don't confess my love to just anyone. Matter of fact, you're the first since my childhood."

"Well Jim," Spock replied. "In my culture, making direct hand contact with another is a sign of a love bond. It signifies that the two are, dare I say, _destined _to be together for as long as they so choose. Though I will warn you now, Jim, I will not tolerate any of your so called, "skirt-chasing", as you are the first and only person I have ever made direct hand to hand contact with."

"Your first and _only?!?" _Kirk asked incredulously. "But…what about Uhura?!?"

"I cannot deny that Uhura has captivated me. She is beautiful, intelligent, hard-working, and exceptionally gifted." He smiled evilly at the blatant look of jealousy draped on Kirk's face. Spock seized this opportunity to flip Kirk back onto his back and look at him hungrily. He kissed Kirk passionately for only a moment, pulling away with Kirk desperately seeking the return of his lips in vain. "However, you have, and always will be, my t'hy'la."

"T'hy'la?" Kirk said, barely over a whisper. "You'll have to excuse me, my Vulcan dictionary's in my room."

A dark smirk spread on Spock's lips. "Then perhaps it would be logical to continue our, _venture_, in your quarters." He stood up and lowered a hand for Kirk to take. Kirk looked at the hand the Vulcan extended to him and gave a smile. He clasped the hand, and with their combined strength, both Kirk and Spock stood facing each other, a flush on both man's face. Before Spock could begin making his way to the captain's room, Kirk scooped the surprisingly light Vulcan in his arms as a groom took his bride, and began sprinting down the hall.

Shock at being lifted from the ground and fear of the captain's enthusiasm potentially leading to a rather painful accident, as the captain could be a bit clumsy at times like this, Spock wrapped his arms around Kirk and held on tightly. As much of a turn on as Kirk's recklessness could be, that didn't mean it didn't occasionally scare the hell out of Spock. Kirk kicked the button that opened his door and walked in, prize in hand. Instead of gently placing Spock down on the floor, he threw him onto his bed.

Pain from the stiff bed shot up Spock's body as he landed, causing him to wince, but otherwise show no signs of discomfort. In the time it took him to recollect himself and begin a protest, Kirk was already straddling him, a look of desire plain on his face. Spock's heartbeat quicken at the look in Kirk's eyes. He was completely at a loss for what would become of him.

Kirk brought his face ever so close to Spock's face, a mischievous look on his face. "Spock," he asked in a seductive voice, "just how much of human sexuality and mating are you familiar with?"

A dark green flush covered Spock's face. "I…I hate to admit this, but my knowledge of human sex rituals are…" He drew a sharp breath as Kirk moved his mouth to the Vulcan's ears, which proved to be an intensely erogenous spot. Spock gasped for air, barely able to think of anything beyond the delicious feel of Kirk's warm tongue flicking his earlobe. Regaining some composure, he finished his sentence, "…little to none."

Kirk moved his mouth away from Spock's ear and smiled darkly. "Then, my pointy-eared friend…" he took a moment to lick up and down Spock's left ear, which caused him to shudder. "Perhaps it's time I educated you…"

He pulled back to look at the Vulcan, who had an amusingly drunk look on his face. Kirk slowly removed his shirt, giving the Vulcan time to marvel as his smooth, muscular chest. He then seized the bottom of Spock's shirt and began pulling upward. Spock raised his arms upward, making the removal of his shirt easier for Kirk. The removal of the shirt revealed a strong, lean chest, lightly covered in dark chest hair. The air chilled the Vulcan's skin, causing him to shiver gently, but noticeably.

"Aw, are you cold?" Kirk teased. "Don't worry; I'll be sure to warm you up." He leaned forward and captured Spock's lips in a gentle, tender kiss. Spock found himself wishing for the same passionate kiss they shared in the hall, but found the softness of this kiss somehow more exciting, as it revealed nothing of what was to come, leaving everything leading from it a pleasant surprise. Kirk broke the kiss and began trailing gentle kisses down Spock's jaw line. He paused at his neck and began to suckle a particularly sensitive spot. Spock's eyes closed, a soft moan escaping his parted lips. Smiling internally, Kirk reluctantly left the spot on Spock's neck and trailed the kisses down further: down his collarbone, down the center of his chest, down his bellybutton, where Kirk took a moment to swirl his tongue, and then down to his true target, the front of Spock's pants, where a noticeable erection strained against the fabric.

Kirk laughed quietly. "Hey Spock, seems your uniform pants are a little tight. Care for a little assistance?" The gentle teasing that Kirk insisted on giving began to frustrate Spock, but he kept silent, as he knew this was the captain's way of both getting revenge and enjoying the experience. He bit his lip to keep from revealing the effect the captain was having on him, but Kirk could see it all over his face. He slowly unzipped the pants and rolled them down, getting a clear view of the Starfleet regulation underwear which barely contained Spock's bulging erection. Carefully, he lifted the elastic of the underwear and slipped it down. Now free, Spock's erection sprung upward.

Kirk gave a low whistle. "Wow. Are all Vulcan's this well endowed or are you just lucky?" Spock shot a confused look at Kirk. "Jim, I don't see what the size of my penis has to do with this ritual." Laughing kindheartedly, Kirk took Spock's erection into his hand and slowly pumped it. Spock's head fell backwards at the touch of the captain's strong yet strangely soft and gentle touch. Unable to control himself any longer, he moaned loudly.

"You, my dear man, are about to find out." Kirk brought his lips to the tip of Spock's penis into his mouth and stroked it with his tongue, eliciting another loud moan. He then slowly took more and more of Spock into his mouth until, strangely skilled as he was despite his total inexperience with male sexual partners, he had completely engulfed the entire length down his throat. Tingles danced up and down Spock's body as Kirk's warm mouth surrounded him completely. His back arched off of the bed, pushing himself further into that wonderfully slick opening. Kirk began to systematically move his head back up the length of Spock's shaft, pump it a few times with his mouth, using his hand to cover the rest of the revealed length, and then bringing the tip of Spock's erection fully to the back of his throat. This technique, though foreign to the Vulcan, affected him greatly. He gasped for air, somehow completely unable to catch his breath. His entire body flushed a deep green. His hips thrust uncontrollably into Kirk's mouth. He had no idea what he was feeling; he only knew he didn't want it to stop.

This didn't continue for very long, as Spock had already been thoroughly aroused before they even arrived in Kirk's room. A strange feeling of something welling in the depths of Spock's loins had grown greater and greater the more Kirk sucked, and without warning, it released. Kirk held his mouth at the bottom of Spock's shaft, allowing the bitter fluid to slide down his throat as Spock throbbed in orgasm. Spock cried out loud and clutched the captain's head with his hands. When the throbbing slowed, he fell back on the bed, spent.

Kirk swallowed what fluid remained in his mouth and slid his mouth off of Spock's still twitching erection completely, giving his mouth a wipe. He moved back up his beloved's body and placed a hand on his face, feeling the feverish heat emanate off of him. Spock opened his closed eyes and saw the loving smile of his captain before him. Still gasping for air, he said, "What…did you do…to me?" Kirk placed his forehead against Spock. "That, my dear pointy-eared friend, is what humans refer to as a 'blowjob'. Seeing as you're completely unfamiliar with how we show affection on a sexual level, it seemed the gentlest way to become acquainted with each other's bodies."

The Vulcan stared at Kirk in disbelief. "Jim, with all due respect, that experience was far from gentle. It…it shook me down to my very core. Those feelings…there were incredibly intense." Kirk smirked and jokingly replied, "Glad to hear it was good for you." The corners of Spock's mouth perked upward in the beginnings of a smile, when a thought came to his mind. "If I may ask, what became of the ejaculation fluid that escaped through my penis?"

A pink tint spread across Jim's face. Upon hearing this question, he became rather shy. "Uh, well…I swallowed it, Spock." Shock and a hint of disgust showed on Spock's face. "Jim, do you realize how unhygienic ingesting another's bodily fluid is?!?" As he said this, a hurt expression appeared on Kirk's face. "For humans," Kirk explained, "it symbolizes both a great deal of love and devotion for your partner and an even greater deal of respect and trust when you voluntarily ingest another's bodily fluid during oral sex. I know it's a pretty foreign idea for you since you're a Vulcan, but that was my way of showing you that I care…"

He immediately regretted asking the question, but felt he had a right to inquire the captain's strange actions. "I am sorry Jim. There is much I do not know about these human mating rituals. I did not mean to offend…" Spock dropped his head down, the feeling of guilt now heavy within his chest. Recovering quickly, Kirk gave his trademark smile to reassure the Vulcan. "Hey, you didn't know, and how else will you know if you don't ask?" The look of sadness still clung to Spock's face as he regained eye contact with his captain. Kirk sighed. "Well, if you really want to make it up to me, you could always return the favor…"

The sadness on Spock's face changed to nervousness. "Jim, I do not know if this is wise…I am completely inexperienced and unaccustomed with performing sexually, especially with humans. I would not want to harm you in any way…" Kirk took Spock's hand and pulled him off of the bed. The two stood before each other, looking deeply into each other's eyes. Kirk leaned forward and softly kissed Spock on the lips. "It's okay, I trust you. In order to successfully complete this ritual, you need to reciprocate in kind." Kirk jokingly added, "Besides, my erection's not going to take care of itself!"

Spock gulped the lump of nervousness down his throat, and nodded. "Then, I shall do my best." He cradled Kirk's face in his hands and kissed him deeply. Kirk moaned against his lips and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer. The Vulcan broke the kiss and began kissing his way down the same path Kirk had on his body. He lowered himself to his knees and came face to face with the front of Kirk's pants, which were as uncomfortably tight as Spock's had been. He unzipped the pants carefully and pulled down the elastic of Kirk's pants. Unfortunately, he had his face too close and was smacked in the face by Kirk's erection as it broke free of its cotton prison.

Unable to contain himself, Kirk laughed. "Sorry there Spock, my little friend's a little excited." Wiping the drop of pre-cum off of his face, Spock replied, "Your 'little friend', as you call it, is not quite as little as you imply." Spock took a moment to admire the length of his captain's penis before him. The nervousness he had attempted to push down rose in him again. He looked up at Kirk, who gave him an assuring look. "You'll be fine. Just make sure you don't touch it with your teeth."

Spock nodded and brought Kirk's penis closer to his mouth. He gently took the tip of it into his mouth and rubbed the bottom of it with his tongue. Kirk threw his head back and moaned loudly, catching Spock by surprise. Such a gentle and small movement of his tongue had created such a dramatic reaction. Feeling a bit more self-confident, he began to move more and more of Kirk's length into his mouth slowly, testing the waters as he went. Kirk's enthusiasm led him to grab Spock's head and thrust the rest of his penis down Spock's throat, much to Spock's dismay. He hadn't been ready for the entire length of Kirk's penis to enter his mouth and choked on it as it hit the back of his throat. Catching himself, Kirk pulled back and looked down at the wide eyes of Spock. "Uh…sorry…got a little too excited myself…"

Returning himself to the task at hand, he brought his mouth back down around the captain, this time reaching the bottom on his own. Kirk shivered from the feeling of Spock's mouth. Shakily, he said, "You're better at this than you let on…you must be a natural." Spock brought his eyes back up to meet with his captain's, this time continuing the action of slowly pulling his mouth back and forth along the length of the shaft at an increased pace. Occasionally, he'd bring all focus to the head of Kirk's penis, lavishing it with his tongue. Kirk could feel himself getting closer and closer.

Spock removed his mouth and used a free hand to maintain his rhythm and looked upward at Kirk, whose eyes were closed, his head bent back and moans frequently escaping his open mouth. "Jim," he said somewhat quietly, "if you could give me ample notice before reaching orgasm, I can prepare to-" Before he could finish his sentence, Kirk came, shooting his warm semen all over Spock's face.

When he finished, he looked down at Spock, seeing a mix between horror, surprise, and anger on his face. He laughed, and then quickly covered his mouth, knowing this wasn't the best way to end Spock's first time giving a blowjob. Lips pursed, Spock asked, "I am sure there is a certain term in your human vocabulary for such an event?"

"Uh, yeah there is," Kirk said, still trying and failing to hide his amusement. "It's uh, it's called a 'money shot'." Spock glared at the captain. "Though I am able to see why it is referred to as a 'shot', I fail to see how it related to currency of any kind." Kirk lost it upon hearing this, bending down to hug his adorably ignorant partner. Despite still being irritated at the bodily fluids on his face, Spock wrapped his arms around Kirk and held him tightly. "I suppose I still have a lot to learn about performing 'blowjobs' successfully."

Kirk pulled back and held Spock before him, smiling endearingly at him. "Spock, as the more sexually experienced of the two of us, trust me, that was _definitely_ successful." Spock returned Kirk's smile, matching the emotion perfectly. Spock found it odd that he could smile so easily and freely around Kirk now, but he didn't think long on the subject. He simply enjoyed expressing himself without worry for the first time in his life.

Spock watched Kirk as he stood up and offered him hand. "Come on; let's get your face cleaned up."


	13. Encroaching Shadows

**Ch 11: Encroaching Shadows**

The shadow behind Kirk's shower curtain was larger than normal, perhaps because instead of only one man, there were two. Steam filled the small bathroom as hot water cascaded on the two men. Kirk thought happily as he hugged the strong back of the Vulcan in front of him, _I'm so glad I won't need anymore of those horrible cold showers… _

As politely as he could, Spock turned his head and said, "Excuse me Jim, but while I enjoy the close proximity in which you are standing as well as the intimate embrace you have me in, I am having a needless amount of difficulty washing myself in this position. I make this request rather reluctantly, but could you release me for a minute or two? You have my word that when I am finished, I will allow you to embrace me once more." Briefly, Kirk simply held the warm Vulcan close and stared out into space, contemplating how such a simple request was expressed in so many words. Then with a smile and a small chuckle, he released his hold on Spock and stood up straight.

Giving a small nod of appreciation, Spock faced the hot water and began washing himself with soap. Kirk shifted slightly to get a better view and watched intently as the soap foamed in Spock's hands. He followed his hands as they slid over different parts of his body, his arms, his chest, his stomach. Teeth dug into his bottom lip as he watched Spock wash his lower half, resisting the urge to pounce him. Spock turned to Kirk and caught the lustful look on his face. Choosing to ignore it rather than acknowledge it, he said, "Jim, if you wish to assist me, you could wash my back, as I am unable to reach it."

Spock handed the soap to Kirk, who carefully took it and began lathering it in his hands, not breaking eye contact with the Vulcan. Sighing at the still lustful look on Kirk's face, he faced the water so that Kirk could begin washing his back. With a sly smile, Kirk raised his soapy hands and rubbed them along the strong back before him. Though he couldn't see it, Spock closed his eyes, relishing the feel of Kirk's hands on his back.

Kirk's hands didn't spend much time on Spock's back though. With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, Kirk lowered his hands to the small of Spock's back then slipped them slowly to the front of Spock's hips. Spock's eyes flew open as he snapped his head to the side, trying anxiously to make eye contact with Kirk. "What are you doing?!?" he said, his voice unusually shaky as a flush colored his cheeks green. Giving another sly smile, Kirk replied innocently. "What ever do you mean? You asked me to wash your back, right?"

"Indeed I did," Spock confirmed. "Though it seems you remember that, your hands seem to have gotten distracted and moved elsewhere." As if to physically agree with his statement, Kirk's hands reached their target between Spock's legs. Emitting a mix between a moan and a yelp, Spock grabbed Kirk's wrists and pulled them away before his body could react to the slick touch of Kirk's hands. Head still turned to the side, Spock said, "If you will not adhere to my request, I will wash my back myself."

From his stance, Spock was barely able to make out the pout Kirk gave him. "Aw, you're no fun," he said in disappointment. Obediently, he returned his hands to Spock's back and scrubbed it with his soapy hands. His hands roamed over Spock's shoulders, scrubbed his shoulder blades, and rubbed down his spine. Handing the soap back to Spock, he sighed. "There, you're all clean you party pooper." Taking the soap back into his hands, Spock turned to face Kirk, letting the water wash the soap off his back. He leaned forward and lightly kissed Kirk on the lips. "You have my thanks."

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome," Kirk said, giving Spock another kiss, this one lingering longer. He wrapped his arms around Spock and placed his head on his shoulder, resuming his earlier embrace. Spock held the smaller man in his arms and kissed his cheek softly. He was a bit of a handful, but he was growing on the Vulcan rather quickly.

There they stood under the water, holding each other for quite some time. They both knew that they should at least turn the water off since they were both clean and had no need for it, but neither wanted to let go of the other to do so. The two men both found it bizarre that holding each other was not only extremely comforting, but delightfully satisfying. Nevertheless, there they remained, wrapped up together, saying not a word.

Finally breaking the embrace, Spock reached behind him and turned the water off. Kirk stared lustfully at the water that beaded and dripped down the Vulcan's thin frame. It suddenly became very tempting to get dirty all over again if for no other reason than to see the Vulcan dripping wet more than once that day. Spock stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around him, fully aware of the hungry eyes that refused to look elsewhere. Kirk watched as he walked out of the bathroom, licking his lips at the contours of the body underneath the towel. He grabbed the remaining towel on the rack and dried himself off.

When Kirk left his bathroom and returned to his room, he saw no trace of the Vulcan or his clothes, which had been haphazardly thrown across the room before their shower. His door was wide open and wet footprints led outside his room. He sighed sadly. He had hoped the man would be sitting somewhere inside, the towel still wrapped around his waist. From the looks of things, Spock had chosen to clothe himself in his own room. Shrugging, Kirk pulled a fresh set of clothing out of his drawers, got dressed, and followed the footprints to Spock's room.

The door slid open, revealing a fully clothed Spock sitting cross-legged in the center of his room. Kirk was about to call to him when he noticed his eyes were closed. He didn't know much about Vulcans, but he knew that they meditated in the privacy of their room and could tell that was what Spock was doing. Initially, he thought about leaving the room and coming back later, but he was allured by the serene look Spock had on his face. Though he was sitting up, he looked as though he were asleep. Carefully, he lowered himself to the floor and sat in front of Spock. Crossing his legs, he propped his head up with his arms and stared at the Vulcan with a dreamy smile on his face. Spock looked absolutely beautiful, even statuesque during his meditation. _I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I sat and admired him while he meditates, _Kirk thought pleasantly.

By the time Kirk had entered Spock's quarters, Spock had already negated his emotions and had immersed himself into his subconscious. The bright whiteness he had seen last time was present once more. He didn't have to wait long before his younger self appeared before him. Still sitting, Spock opened his eyes and looked at the young boy. The boy did not visibly smile, but something in his eyes twinkled.

"Well done," the boy said. "It seems as though you have made the first step toward inner peace. Though this was a big step, it is far from the last. There are still greater things that you must come to terms with, but solidifying the bond between you and Kirk will make things much easier."

Spock nodded at the boy. Before he could speak, however, an evil laugh echoed all around him. He looked at the boy, who suddenly had a definitive look of fright on his face. His eyes darted upward, but when Spock looked, he saw nothing. Spock remembered making that look as a child and knew it well. Whatever it was the boy was afraid of, it was something monumental. Barely above a whisper, the boy said, "He knows…" Confused, Spock asked, "_Who_ knows?"

The laugh echoed again, slightly louder this time. The look of fright on the boys face intensified. Spock reached for the boy's shoulders and shook him lightly, which was a poor move on Spock's part. The boy slapped the arms away and stumbled backward, eyes large. Hyperventilating, the boy said, "You recall that I said I was only one of the halves of your inner self, right?" Slowly, Spock nodded. "Well, that laugh you hear belongs to the _other _half of you. The dark half. The _human _half."

Spock's eyes narrowed as he tried to make sense of the situation. "Why are you afraid of him? You're a Vulcan; even if the human side of me _is _dark, your strength would overwhelm him regardless of your size." His words didn't seem to reach the boy, who was becoming beside himself with fear as he heard the laugh again. Without another word, he vanished into thin air, leaving Spock alone to face his dark side. Again the laugh echoed, louder and longer this time. In spite of himself, Spock began to feel the icy grip of fear closing on his throat. Who, or _what_ was his dark side?

The laugh ceased to be an external sound and began to ring in Spock's ears continuously. He covered them as if to block out the sound, but it had no effect on the madding laughter. In the distance, he saw something; he couldn't make it out, but it was dark. The breath caught in his throat as he realized it was coming closer to him at an alarming rate. He stood and took a step backward, unsure if he should run or stand his ground. Soon the entire horizon was filled with darkness. Black tendrils swiftly encroached the space between them and snaked out toward him.

Fear took over completely; this was no time to ponder as to what the frightening darkness was or where it was coming from. He had to run and run fast. Spock spun around and broke into a sprint, his legs propelling him further into the whiteness that he knew would assure his safety. He dared to take a look behind him and immediately wished he hadn't. The tendrils along the invisible ground were nipping at his fleeing feet and reaching up into the air to grab any part of him they could. A burst of speed sent him flying forward but it was all for naught. A tendril wrapped itself tightly around his ankle and began to pull him. The laugh continued to roar in his ears as he felt himself be dragged into the darkness…

Spock's eyes flew open. Before him sat a concerned Kirk who had watched Spock the entire time. He cried out and fell backwards onto his elbows. His chest heaved as though he had run a mile when in reality he hadn't moved an inch from where he had sat in his room. Bewildered by Spock's reaction, Kirk tried to reach out for Spock, but Spock quickly crawled backward until his back hit the bed. "_NO_!" he screamed, "_DON'T TOUCH ME_!"

Kirk's hand stopped in mid air at Spock's unexpected outburst. His wide eyes slowly shrank down to their normal size then half closed out of sadness. He withdrew his hand and stood up, looking at Spock sorrowfully. The look seemed to be the trigger to bring Spock back to his senses. He blinked rapidly and finally registered in his mind that he saw Kirk before him. His pounding heart slowed as he regained control of himself. Breathlessly, he said, "I am sorry. I did not expect to see you…"

"It's my fault," Kirk said, the tone of his voice cutting Spock's heart like a knife. "I came in while you were meditating. When I saw you sitting in the middle of the room, I should have just left and waited for you to finish. I guess I was drawn by your peaceful face…"

Spock stood up quickly and held Kirk tightly. Softly, he said, "Do no apologize. You did nothing wrong. I am happy you are here with me right now." Kirk could feel the Vulcan's entire body shiver as he held him. Wrapping his arms around him, Kirk asked, "What happened? You looked like you had seen a ghost when you first looked at me."

Flashes of the darkness made Spock hold on tighter to Kirk. "I…I cannot explain it," he stumbled. "I just know that there was a darkness, a terrible, horrifying darkness. I have never felt such fright in my entire life…" Kirk shushed him and began stroking his hair. He had no idea what Spock was talking about; all he knew was that he was seeing Spock wracked with fright for the first time ever. "It's alright," he whispered. "It's gone. You're safe now."

"No," Spock said in a shaky voice. "It is not gone. It is somewhere inside of me. I am afraid I may not be able to contain it any more. Please, stay by my side. Do not leave me. I need you…" Kirk smiled in spite of the grave atmosphere in the room. It felt good to hear Spock say that he needed him. He reassured the frightened Vulcan, "You don't have to worry Spock. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, and I always will be."


	14. Return to the Enterprise

**Ch 12: Return to the Enterprise**

The last days of shore leave were a bit of paradise for the two young men. During this time, they were free to be themselves. Neither had to pretend to be something they weren't or hide their thoughts; they spoke and acted as openly as a married couple in the privacy of their own home. They made the most of the time they had to spend alone and uninterrupted learning more about each other. Kirk told stories of his childhood in Iowa; he told the story of how he drove his step-father's classic car off of a cliff, and expressed his severe dislike for the man whom his mother had somehow managed to fall in love with. Spock felt the pain of Kirk's fatherless childhood in the stories he told, and his love for his mother as he talked fondly of the blueberry cobbler he claimed she was famous for and insisted that Spock try when their five year mission ended. A twinge of jealousy pulled at Spock's heart, wishing his mother was alive to meet Kirk.

His mother, as he told Kirk, had been the sole reason he appreciated his human heritage. Despite her emotionality, she was an incredibly kind and caring woman, and it hurt him deeply that she blamed herself for the constant teasing and ridicule he faced growing up on Vulcan. Not only had his peers and teachers made a point of pointing out his weakness as a half-breed whenever they could, but even the elders felt it necessary to throw it in his face. He spent most of his life living up to the expectations of those who could care less about his success, when all that mattered was his mother's feelings. She always told him she was proud to be his mother, but he desperately wanted her to see him become something great and to hear him tell her just how much she meant to him. He'd never get that chance now.

Though the two spent a great deal of time conversing and discovering new things that gave insight to the other's personality, they did other things as well. Spock forced Kirk to partake of his favorite board game: chess. The possibility of defeating Spock intellectually proved to be more alluring than he had thought, and Kirk found himself interrupting Spock during his tasks to challenge him. It was as cute as it was annoying to see Kirk run up to him, much like a child would his playmate, and anxiously request to play another game of chess when he had so much to do. Nevertheless, the Vulcan couldn't resist the sparkle of excitement in Kirk's eyes, and would always give in to his wishes.

Chess was not their only pastime during the remainder of shore leave; Kirk deemed it his God-given task to educate Spock in the ways of human intimacy. At first, Spock was gentle and sweet, much like a virgin girl. But soon, he became more aggressive; most times Kirk took the initiative, but Spock soon began initiating sessions himself. Sometimes he'd even take the initiative outside their quarters. Kirk was incredibly turned on whenever Spock took the lead, but he began worrying about the level of aggression he saw in Spock. There were moments where he wasn't sure if he was really seeing Spock, but rather seeing a completely different person.

The few days they were blessed with were sweet, peaceful, and wonderful, much like the honeymoon of newly wedded humans. But all good things must come to an end, and soon, so did the shore leave, far sooner than either wanted.

The day shore leave officially ended, Kirk and Spock sat together in the ship's recreation room playing chess. Spock's brow was furrowed with thought while Kirk sat drumming his fingers on the opposite side of the board. His numerous sighs of impatience were ignored by the Vulcan, who was determined to thoroughly plan his move before he lifted a chess piece. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally lifted his white queen and placed it on the board.

"Checkmate," he said with finality, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms with a small smile on her face. Kirk's jaw dropped in disbelief. The game had started only five minutes ago, and three of those minutes were spent waiting for Spock to move a piece. He rose out of his seat and began circling the three tiered chess board to see how Spock could have won making only three moves on his part. Stumped, he stood next to Spock's chair with his hands on his hips. "How the hell did you do that?"

"If I told you," Spock said, "You would find a way to either replicate or predict my pattern in future games. I would prefer to keep my game plans secret from you to maintain the element of surprise." Grinning, Kirk bent down and gently nipped the tip of Spock's left ear. The Vulcan jumped and then shuddered from the slick tip of Kirk's tongue that stroked the bit of his ear between his teeth. Kirk watched through half closed eyes as Spock's eyes fluttered. He withdrew his teeth and suckled the tip softly. Spock leaned his head closer to Kirk's inviting mouth, eager to feel that wonderful feeling on more than just the tip of his ear.

Regretfully, before they could further their activity, a whistle sounded. They paused as If they had been walked in on, but quickly realized that the whistle was indicating that the first shuttle had arrived. Reluctantly, Kirk withdrew his mouth from Spock's ear and straightened his body. He said with a heavy sigh, "Well, looks like our alone time is officially over."

"Indeed," Spock said sadly. He pushed his chair back and stood up. Facing Kirk, he placed a hand on the young captain's arm and squeezed gently. "It seems the only time we will be able to be alone will be after hours. Even then, we should be cautious." He paused and looked away with a pained look on his face. "I…I still need to resolve things with Uhura, and it would be wise if we did nothing to reveal the true nature of my termination of our relationship. Additionally, we should maintain a high level of professionalism while on duty."

"I know," Kirk said. He didn't like the idea of having to hide their relationship, but he wasn't about to throw the fact that he stole Spock away from Uhura in her face, even if it was unintentionally done. If there was anything that he could do that would harm crew morale that would be it. Though the idea was rather tempting considering how curt she tended to be toward him, he had to withhold a certain level of respectability. He looked at Spock and gave a sad smile. "Guess we won't have much time to enjoy each other like we did these last few days, huh?"

Spock placed a warm hand on Kirk's face and kissed him sweetly. Giving Kirk a light smile, he said, "We will always have our chess games Jim." He leaned forward and whispered in Kirk's ear, "And there will always be the occasional late night rendezvous once everything has settled." The mix of Spock's warm breath on his ear and the images that ran through his head when he heard him say 'rendezvous' in that sexy tone of voice sent shivers down his spine. Ever the tease, Spock merely smirked and walked out of the recreation room, leaving Kirk breathless and tight in the pants.

* * *

It was as though the flood gates had opened. Shuttle after shuttle docked on to the Enterprise, and from them wave after wave of fresh faced crew members emerged. The shore leave proved to be a much needed retreat for the Enterprise's crew. The horrors of the Nero encounter and the exhaustion from the assignment of mission after mission shortly thereafter were long since forgotten, replaced with the excitement of the five-year long voyage into the unknown. They would be making their way into the history books, a thought that erased any trace of sadness or fear.

Among the crew arrivals was Nyota Uhura. She chatted amicably with a fellow crew member she sat with on her shuttle. From a different shuttle emerged Doctor Leonard McCoy, who seemed as though he would have been better off not having any shore leave at all. A scowl clung to his lips; he had spent his shore leave finalizing the divorce with his ex-wife. Had he been given a choice, he would have only stayed on Earth long enough to tie up whatever loose ends remained from before his enrollment in the academy.

Both scanned the docking room, Uhura in search of Spock, and McCoy in search of Kirk. The two shared a look of sadness at not finding their intended, though neither was aware of the other. Uhura shook her sadness off and resumed chatting with her friend, while McCoy, a look of disappointment deepening his scowl, stomped off to his quarters.

McCoy had been anxious to get back to the Enterprise, not only because he was stuck dealing with his ex-wife when he thought he would never have to see her again, but also because he had wanted to see Kirk. Whenever McCoy was in a bad mood, his friend always managed to cheer him up with his goofy, laid back demeanor. McCoy managed to smile in spite of his fowl mood as he pictured the young blond grinning at him. He considered trying to find the young captain in the insanity, but thought against it when he remembered all the preparations he would need to make before they set off on their mission. The smile on his face quickly vanished as if it had never been there as he entered his room, dropped his bags, and made his way to sick bay.

* * *

The hustle and bustle of arriving crew members perked Spock's ears as he meditated in his room. It seems he had arrived at his room just in time to avoid the stampede of crew members through the halls. His eyes remained closed, so as to maintain his concentration, but the occasional and unpredictable loud thump, laugh, and chatter outside his door made it nearly impossible to do so. He hadn't meditated once since Kirk and he had confessed to each other and thought it best to wipe himself clean of the bundle of emotions that bounced around inside of him, but with all the noise outside his room, he was having a great deal of difficulty just consolidating them.

Just as he was about to open his eyes and find something else to do, a knock was heard at his door. Involuntarily, Spock smiled. He was certain it was Captain Kirk, come to spend one last intimate moment with him during the chaos. He sprung to his feet, barely able to contain his excitement. Regardless of how he felt about putting up appearances for the rest of the crew, the thrill of seeing Kirk now was more than he could stand, especially after their last session was abruptly halted before it went very far. He reached the door and straightened himself out. With all the people in the hall, the last thing he needed was anyone to see him smiling uncharacteristically. Finally ready, he opened his door. Behind the door wasn't Captain Kirk…

…it was Uhura.

"Nyota…" he said breathlessly, surprise showing on his face. His heart did a bit of a flip flop in his chest as he stood face to face with the beautiful East African woman before him.

Uhura gave Spock little time to say anything else as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him fully on the lips. In an instant, Spock remembered everything that attracted him to Uhura. Strangely enough, some of the same things that attracted him to her were what attracted him to Kirk. Her spontaneity, her tenderness, her intellect…and how unbelievably attractive she was. Her scent filled his nose and drew him in, causing him to return the kiss with a well matched intensity. But something felt different in this kiss. It didn't hold the same fire it had before the shore leave. Somehow, something was missing from it…what was it? Was something different with her?

Uhura broke the kiss and grinned at Spock. "Sorry to cut it short, I just wanted to see you before I settled in." She gave him another quick peck on the lips and stepped back. "Come to my quarters later on when you get a chance, okay?" Giving him one last smile, she bounded down the hall to catch up with her friend. Spock stepped out of his room and watched her walk away. She felt his eyes on him and turned back around. Walking backwards, she waved at the Vulcan, who raised his hand in kind.

As she and her friend caught up and began chatting again, it hit him. Nothing had changed with Uhura; on the contrary, she was the exact way she was before she left. What Spock felt change was from within, and the realization shook him to the core: He no longer loved Uhura.

He hadn't expected for his love for Uhura to wane as rapidly as it had, but considering the great deal of personal development he experienced in such a short time, it was hardly surprising. During the time he had alone to think, it dawned on him that while he had been attracted to her, he never really did love her. Of course, he had been under the impression that he had fallen in love with her, but after experiencing all he had with Kirk, it became clear that what he had felt was nowhere near love. Even as he watched her walk away, he didn't feel the absence in his heart like he did when he was apart from Kirk.

It saddened him to realize that the sole reason he had grown as attached to Uhura as he had was because Uhura immediately went to comfort him when Vulcan was destroyed. Everyone else had kept their distance, giving him only hallow looks of sympathy. But Uhura, she gave herself to him, offered her time willingly, held him close and assured him that all would be well. She was a shining example of kindness and selflessness during that time of mourning.

But it was after all that was over that his attraction became more habitual than desired. It wasn't that he had gotten comfortable with her and was used to her being there; it was almost like he felt obligated to her. Like because she gave herself to him in his greatest time of need, he had to reciprocate the affection she showed. But in retrospect, his affection was merely aped actions to mirror her. What was worse was as time went by, he found himself less inclined to voluntarily react to her. He spent more time calmly refusing her desperate attempts at public affection, using their duties as officers as an excuse. It was a cowardly thing to do, but he couldn't come to terms with the fact that even though this woman had done so much for him, he simply couldn't return her love.

And now she wanted to see him alone in her quarters. Spock dreaded going there because he knew if he did, he would have to end things with Uhura. It wouldn't be fair of him to stretch it out or postpone the inevitable. It needed to be done; there was no escaping it. But he couldn't help but feel afraid to do it. What if things went horribly wrong? Should he tell her about him and Kirk? Or should he sugar coat things and simply let her know that he didn't feel the same way she did?

There was only one person that he knew that could help him with his problem. Allowing himself to be swept away in the current of people he had formally been impeding, he made his way to Kirk's room. If anyone knew how to reject a woman, it'd be him.


	15. Letting Go

**Ch 13: Letting Go**

Kirk turned the water in his shower off and pulled back the curtain. As he stepped out, he smiled at the steam that completely filled his bathroom. _Another nice hot shower, _he thought to himself. Even though two weeks ago he never would have guessed he'd be hooking up with Spock, it was a lot nicer to simply take care of his self instead of taking a cold shower when dirty thoughts of him and the Vulcan came to mind. He grabbed two towels, one to dry himself off, and the other to dry his hair. Just as he had begun drying his hair, a knock came at his door. He paused and stared at his door. _Who in the world would be knocking at my door right now?_ Wrapping a towel tightly around his waist, he walked out of his bathroom, a quizzical look on his face.

"Who is it?" he cried.

"First Officer Spock, Captain," came the muffled reply from behind his door. "Requesting permission to enter your quarters sir."

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Kirk decided to forgo putting any clothes on and threw himself onto his bed. Though he hadn't expected to see Spock for the rest of the day, he wanted to make sure he was ready for whatever he had in store with this surprise visit. He posed as sexily as he could, which turned out to be easier than he thought with only a towel covering his still wet body.

"Come in!" he shouted, putting on his best come-hither face.

In walked Spock in his typical rigid pose. As soon as the door closed, he relaxed, unclasping his hands and letting them rest at his sides. He brought his attention to Kirk and saw the blond-haired captain lazily draped across his bed. His skin glistened from the water that still clung to his flesh. Droplets of water fell from his hair and rolled down his shoulders and chest. A flush painted his cheeks and nose red from the hot water he had just finished showering in. Spock couldn't help but react noticeably when he saw his captain in such a manner. Part of him was turned on; the other part of him wanted to laugh. It was peculiar how easily he reacted to the Captain's increasingly nonsensical actions, but he supposed that was simply a part of allowing himself to be more emotionally open to the man.

Realizing his mouth was hanging open, he shook his head to clear some of the naughty thoughts out of his head. "Jim, I have something that I need to discuss with you. I unfortunately do not have time to indulge in some of our more physical activities." The flush on Kirk's face deepened from his inaccurate assumption. He quickly repositioned himself into a sitting position at the edge of the bed. Clearing his throat, he said, "Uh, sorry there Spock. I just figured, you know, what with all the ruckus outside, you wanted to…so, what do you need to talk about?"

Spock licked his lips, as they had become unusually dry. Kirk desperately tried not to focus on this simple, yet damn sexy action so that he could hear what was on his beloved's mind. "Nyota came to visit me at my quarters not long ago."

The contempt was clear to see on Kirk's face the moment Uhura's name was mentioned. "Oh? What happened?" Spock's pale skin turned green in shame. "She…she kissed me…as a form of greeting me after her arrival." He noticed that Kirk was turning a rather deep shade of red and knew exactly why. He continued, "When she kissed me, it occurred to me that the emotional attachment I once shared with her is no longer in effect."

To his relief, the color in Kirk's face disappeared and his face relaxed. Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, so you've officially fallen out of love with her, then?"

Slowly, Spock nodded. He added, "I have to be quite honest Jim…I am not entirely certain that I ever really did love her…"

Kirk laughed as the feeling of panic drained away. Ignoring the look that Spock gave him, he leaned forward. "That's perfect then! That means that all you have to do is break up with her, and we have nothing to worry about!" His hand rose to touch Spock's face, but Spock grabbed his wrist before he could and lowered it. The smile melted off his face when he saw the sadness in Spock's eyes.

"I am afraid that is the reason I have come to your quarters," Spock said, the tone of his voice matching the look in his eyes. "Had I no interest in Uhura at all, I could simply end things between us swiftly and bluntly, however I feel indebted to Uhura for her kindness. I have grown fond of her and wish to preserve the bond she and I share, but it is plain to see that she loves me deeply. Once I make clear my lack of desire to continue the romantic aspects of our relationship, I fear she will sever all ties with me, and I will lose a dear friend." The sadness in his voice grew thick. "I have lost so much all ready; I do not wish to lose her as well."

Kirk sighed. This was a situation that he wasn't too entirely familiar with. All his relationships with women had been on a bedroom-only basis, so friendship was never a worry when he decided to break things off, which he did frequently and unabashedly. For Spock, simply breaking it off and going about his business wouldn't be nearly as easy. It was mind blowing that Spock would ask him of all people for advice on how to break up with a girl. Little did he know that the irony of the situation was recognized by Spock as well but was overridden by its somberness.

The blue-eyed captain couldn't bear to see the Vulcan looking so sad. In an attempt to lighten the mood, he clapped his free hand on Spock's shoulder and cheerfully said, "Spock, your plight is one that has plagued humans for centuries: how to stay friends with the girl you want to dump. I hate to tell ya, but even now there's no easy way to break it off. The moment you say something, she'll get weepy, angry, defensive, and then when it's all over she'll run to her friends and gorge on a gallon of ice cream in pajamas while talking about how much they hate men."

Spock simply blinked at Kirk. He couldn't honestly tell if Kirk was making a joke at his expense or if he was serious. The blank stare he gave Kirk conveyed this clearly without him having to say anything. "So what you'll need to do," Kirk continued, realizing his humor was lost on his dear Vulcan friend, "is be gentle with her. Reassure her that there's nothing wrong with her, and let her know that you simply want to stay friends. There's no way you'll be able to emphasize enough just how much she means to you. Lay it on thick, shower her with praise, and don't let her forget that she is a truly wonderful woman. Tell her that you're a fool for letting her go, but remind her that you'll always be there for her. And whatever you do, don't speak to her like you're prattling off scientific knowledge or the ship's status. Talk to her like she's a human, not an officer."

Silence hung heavily in the air. Though no words were spoken, both minds were swimming with thoughts. Breaking the silence, Kirk softly said, "Look Spock, this isn't easy to do period. You're dealing with something that's both extremely strong and extremely fragile – a woman's love. While I'm certain you'll be able to handle the situation well, I can't tell you exactly what to say. In situations like this, your best bet is to just speak what's on your mind and in your heart."

Sighing, Spock rose and headed towards the door. Stopping before it, he turned around and looked at Kirk, who simply smiled and said, "It'll be alright. If Uhura's feelings for you are as strong as I think they are, I'm sure you'll be okay. Just be honest with her…minus the part about us of course. Suffice to say, that'll be an instant death to any kind of friendship with her."

The Vulcan gave Kirk a nod and left the room. Kirk put his head in his hands and sighed heavily. As much as he wanted to mean what he said about everything being okay, his gut told him he was dead wrong.

* * *

Uhura's friend finally left to her own chambers, leaving Uhura alone to await Spock eagerly. She hoped she hadn't come on too strong by greeting him with a kiss. She knew the Vulcan was particularly sensitive about emotional outbursts when they weren't in private, and regardless of the chaos of the entire ship's crew returning for duty, there had to have been a few witnesses of her little scene.

But she didn't care. Even though she enjoyed the time she spent with her family and old friends, she had missed him greatly during her time off. Remembering the feel of his warm lips against hers made her shiver with excitement. As she recalled their kiss though, she remembered feeling something different than she had before the shore leave. It was more than just the simple surprise of her sudden kiss; somehow, she could sense that something dramatic had occurred during the shore leave with just that kiss.

This feeling unnerved her. Why did he seem different? What could have possibly happened in two weeks to completely change someone like Spock? Sure, Spock had been emotionally compromised after the loss of Vulcan and his mother, but two months had passed since then. Loss is never something that is recovered from quickly, but surely Spock couldn't have had a relapse? What if something happened at the new Vulcan colony? What if he met someone else…

Just as she wished she could have some answers to her questions, she heard a knock at her door. Her heart stopped, but just for a moment. Was it Spock? She hurried to the door and opened it. Sure enough, there stood Spock before her, stiff and formal as usual. Unable to contain herself, she hugged him tightly. He tentatively put his arms around her, most likely thrown off again by her sudden reaction to seeing him.

She pulled back and smiled excitedly. "Come on in! I've been waiting for you!" She stepped back enough to allow Spock room to enter. When the door closed behind him, he relaxed his arms and allowed his shoulders to lower some. His rigidness, however, did not diminish as much as it usually did when he entered her room. Uhura decided not to focus on this and just revel in his presence.

"It's good to see you," Uhura said, sitting on the bed and patting a spot next to her. She wanted Spock to be as close to her as possible. Spock took Uhura's invitation and sat down next to her on the bed. Uhura laid her head on his shoulder and placed a hand on his thigh. Her hand ran softly up and down his pants leg, a soothing maneuver she tended to use when they sat like this. Though he didn't show it, this simple act of stroking his leg had the opposite effect. The knot of nerves that lay heavy in the pit of Spock's stomach grew tighter.

For several minutes they sat like this. Before long, Uhura started to sense that something different in Spock again. By now, he would have rested his head on top of hers, but his head remained upright and staring down at his feet. She stopped stroking his leg and sat up straight.

"Okay Spock, what's wrong?" She refused to be the only one being affectionate. This wasn't what she was expecting or looking forward to when she came back from leave. Spock's head remained facing forward, denying her a view of his face. She put a hand on the side of his face and forced it to face her. Finally, they made eye contact with each other. As she looking deep into his dark eyes, she saw the same kind of sadness she saw when Vulcan was destroyed. Her face slacked in concern, she repeated, "What's wrong?"

Spock touched the hand that she held so tenderly against his face and closed his eyes. A hurt unlike any he had ever felt, not even when his mother died, caused his heart to ache. He couldn't bear looking into Uhura's soulful eyes. Guilt, sadness, and fear viciously attacked him all at once. How could he tell her? She was the only one who was there to comfort him when he lost everything. She was the one who held him close, stroked his hair, and whispered words of assurance. No one else even bothered to help him cope with the immense pain he felt, and here he was, struggling to find the words and the courage to convey what he felt.

"Please Spock," Uhura insisted. "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you." She placed another hand on his face and pulled him close for another kiss. The tenderness of her kiss only intensified the pain Spock felt. He carefully grabbed her wrists and pulled her away. He opened his eyes and looked at her, some of the pain he felt beginning to show on her face as well.

Finally finding it in him to bare his soul, he took a deep breath. "Nyota, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me up until this point in time. You were a great comfort to me when I lost my mother and my home. However, I regretfully must request that…" he paused, his confidence beginning to fade, "…that we keep our relationship at solely a professional level."

"A professional level?" she said shakily. "What do you mean a profess…" Tears began to well at the corners of Uhura's eyes as the realization of Spock's words sunk in. She looked at Spock in disbelief. No, it couldn't be true. She had thought that they had something special, something that could surpass the great differences in their cultures and their duty to the ship. "Spock…" she said, her voice breaking as he held back a sob.

Painfully, Spock said, "Nyota, do not misunderstand my request. I still care greatly about you. That has not and will not ever change. I cannot in good conscience, however, continue a romantic relationship with you. I fear that my more recent attachment to you may be directly linked to my trauma, and I do not feel that a romantic relationship based solely on that is fair to you. I also have my obligation to my duties and my captain to think about, and any distractions from that could put me in another situation where I am emotionally compromised." He looked at Uhura, pained by the tears that streamed from her eyes.

Uhura kept herself composed despite her tears. "I…I understand. It'd be wrong of me to assume we could just become some happy couple so soon after you lost so much. Besides, we're going into space for five years straight. We don't know why kind of trouble we might run in to, and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you because of me." She wiped her eyes, struggling to hold herself together long enough to share her feelings. "I have to say though, if I had known that I was going to be dumped when I got back from leave, I wouldn't have bought this."

She reached into her bag, which lay at the foot of her bed, and pulled out a small white box. She handed it to Spock, but he politely refused. "I cannot accept your gift Nyota. It would not be right." Determined, she forced it into Spock's hands and closed them around it.

"Please," she begged. "Open it, if not as my boyfriend, then as my friend."

Hearing Uhura call him 'friend' relieved Spock greatly. He slowly removed the top off of the box. Inside was a strange golden contraption with an old fashioned crank on the side of it. Spock carefully lifted the knick knack out of the soft tissue surrounding it and examined it.

Aware that such things did not exist in Vulcan culture, Uhura explained what the knick knack was. "It's a music box. You, uh, you turn the crank to make it play." Placing one hand over his and another on the crank, she slowly turned the crank. When she could turn it no longer, she removed her hands and let it play.

Familiar notes rang in the air as the tiny contraption played its song. Memories of his mother, singing a song by his bed when he had trouble sleeping, played before his eyes. He remembered the soft feel of her hand stroke his hair as she softly sung the same song he heard to him. As unusual as it was to hear his mother sing to him, it had the strangest way of soothing him to a point where sleep came easily. For a while, he thought he could feel his mother's hand stroking his hair as he thought of her. When he focused on the feeling, he realized that the hand belonged to Uhura. Against his will, tears fell freely from his eyes.

"I remembered you told me that your mom sang this song when you couldn't sleep," she said, still stroking his hair. "I happened to find a music box that played it in an antique store." She hesitated. "Well, that's not entirely true…I actually searched all over the place trying to find one that played that specific song. It was kinda hard, and I actually had to leave Africa early to hunt it down, but somehow I pulled it off." More tears streamed down her brown cheeks, rewetting the trails that had dried. Seeing the tears fall from Spock's beautiful dark eyes, she took the music box and it's container from Spock's hands and put them aside. She then pulled Spock into her arms and cried openly.

Spock allowed the tears to fall, but clutched tightly onto his control to prevent an entire break down. Stroking his hair, Uhura whispered, "I'll always love you, Spock."

These words proved to be the trigger to get Spock to completely let go. Though he knew the voice was Uhura's, somehow he heard his mother's voice say it. Spock sobbed, holding Uhura tighter. The two cried until all their pain poured out of their eyes. When Spock finally left the room, instead of feeling liberated, having cried two months worth of pain and anguish, he felt as if he had lost everything all over again.


	16. Doubts

**Ch 14: Doubts**

Kirk walked onto the bridge the next day and was greeted by Sulu, Chekhov, and other crew members. He didn't, however, see his First Officer or his Communications Officer. He sat down in his chair, a swirl of emotions showing on his face as he thought to himself. _Where are those two? Did something happen last night? Spock asked me about breaking things off, so perhaps they're collecting themselves before showing on the bridge. But then again, what if they __**didn't **__break up last night?!? What if…_

Before his mind could picture the very worst case scenario, the elevator door opened. In walked Uhura, red-eyed and flushed. Her appearance gave Kirk the very answer he needed, but it still didn't explain why Spock was still nowhere in sight. Seeing as he was the captain, he had to show concern for all his crew members. Any special treatment directed at one officer over another, or by that same token, the express and intentional ignorance of any particular officer, would indicate favoritism and bring a swift end to his duties as a captain. While he definitely didn't want Uhura to be with Spock for obvious reasons, it didn't mean he didn't care about her feelings. He slowly rose out of his chair and stood behind Uhura's chair, leaning over her station.

"Hey Uhura, is everything alright?" he asked in a hushed tone. "You look like something's bothering you."

Expecting a snappy response, something along the lines of telling him it wasn't any of his business and that he should leave her alone, he was taken aback by her voice gently saying, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just, uh, I'm just going through kind of a rough time right now. I'm fine though; I'm fit for duty."

Kirk gave Uhura one last look of concern and said, "Alright. If there's anything you want to talk about, you can always talk to me. Being captain doesn't mean all I do is give out orders after all."

Uhura looked at Kirk with her blood-shot eyes which glistened with the threat of tears. Unable to say anything out of fear she'd begin crying, she simply nodded before returning to her duties. Kirk felt an unexpected pang of guilt in his heart. _This is Spock Prime's fault, _he thought to himself as he returned to his chair. _Spock wouldn't even have given me a second thought if that pointy-eared old codger had only explained the Nero incident instead of filling his head with his memories of his relationship with __**his**__ Captain Kirk. He's probably got Spock all confused…_

Eyes wide, Kirk thought of something that made his heart ache to even consider. _Oh God, what if everything Spock is feeling for me is just residual feelings from Spock Prime? What if he really doesn't want a relationship with me, but is just completely thrown off balance? That means he broke up with Uhura for nothing. That means I seduced him in to leaving her when he didn't need to. That means the last few days between us were…_

"_Captain!" _Sulu said loudly, his voice barely under a shout. Kirk's attention was brought back to the bridge, where all eyes were on him. He was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed that Spock had finally arrived and stood next to him, his brow furrowed with worry. "Sorry…" he said. "What'd I miss?"

"We've successfully left Starfleet and are on our way to our first mission, sir," Sulu said, his voice much quieter now that he had the Captain's attention, but with a concerned look on his face.

Kirk blinked in shock. He had completely missed their departure from Starfleet. He put gingerly placed a hand on his temples and massaged them. "Great. Uh, good job guys. How long before we arrive at our destination?"

Chekhov chimed in, "At our current speed, approximately four days. Ceepten, are you alright?"

Kirk waved at Chekhov as if he was trying to swat away his apprehension. "Yeah, yeah, I'm alright, I was just lost in thought for a while." He stood up, and looked around him. Something about the many pairs of eyes on him made him feel very weird. "Well, considering we have four days until we arrive, we can all relax for a little bit. From this point forward, we'll be going on mission after mission continuously. It'd be wise if everyone made use of whatever free time we have. On that note, if you'll excuse me…"

He walked away from his chair and pressed the button for the elevator. The door swiftly opened, allowing him access. He entered the elevator and turned around, most of his crew now exchanging looks at each other. The two pairs of eyes that remained on him were Spock's and Uhura's. He broke the gaze he gave them both, pressed the button for his floor, and let the door close behind him.

Spock stared at the elevator door for a moment before looking at Uhura. He saw the pain that sleep, if she got any, didn't fade from her face. Quickly looking away, he went to the elevator door and pressed the button. The now empty elevator arrived a moment later, and Spock disappeared inside, ignoring the many eyes that bore through him.

Kirk had barely made it into his quarters when a knock came at his door. He closed his eyes in anguish. Could he not get a moment alone with his thoughts? Sure he had made a bit of a spectacle of himself on the bridge, but surely that would have warranted a little space for him to think? He opened the door and saw Spock standing in front of him. Strangely, his hands rested at his side instead of clasped behind his back. His posture was somewhat lax as well. Why was he allowing himself to appear so relaxed in plain sight?

Without a word, Kirk moved aside and motioned for Spock to come inside. The door slid shut as the Vulcan entered the room. As soon as he reached the center of the room, he turned around to face Kirk. "Are you alright Jim? You were completely unresponsive on the bridge, which is quite unlike you."

Kirk laughed lightly and said sarcastically, "Funny, I figured everyone would be happy that I was keeping my mouth shut for once." Once again, Kirk's humor was lost on the Vulcan, who stared at him with a grave look of concern on his normally stoic face. "There's nothing for you to be worried about Spock, I was just lost in thought. It does periodically happen even to me you know."

Spock wasn't buying Kirk's miserable attempt to hide the truth. "Everyone aboard the bridge noticed that something is amiss, my self in particular. If we are to become more personal with each other, would it not be wise to vocalize any internal conflict you experience?"

Shoulders slumped forward, Kirk sighed heavily. He walked past Spock and sat on the bed, putting his head in his hands. Spock turned around to face him once more, but did not come closer. "This is about the termination of my relationship with Communications Officer Uhura, is it not?"

"Referring to her solely by rank now Spock?" Kirk said, unable to hide the contempt in his voice. Spock turned his head and said, "It would be inappropriate to address her in the same manner I had when we were involved." Silence. Spock looked at the Captain again, but still he made no eye contact. "When I approached you about my intentions yesterday, you were happy with my decision to end my relationship with Uhura. Now it seems as though you are having second thoughts on the matter." He knelt down, bringing himself to Kirk's level, and then asked, almost scared to hear the answer, "_Why?_"

Kirk's eyes finally met Spock's, and Spock was surprised at the way he looked at him. He looked hurt, as though he had ended the relationship they had instead of his relationship with Uhura. "I…" Kirk began, finding it hard to talk. He took a moment to calm himself, and then tried speaking again. "I talked to Uhura a bit when she came aboard the bridge. I couldn't help but ask her how she was, since it was clear she was upset." Kirk noticed the change in Spock's face when he said this, but continued. "She wouldn't tell me anything. In fact, she swore that everything was alright…but I knew. I knew _exactly_ what was wrong."

He looked intently as Spock, and asked a question he never thought he'd ask. "Spock…do you _really_ want to be with _me_, and not Uhura?" Spock's eyes widened at hearing Kirk ask him such a thing. Kirk didn't let him respond, but instead revealed the dark feelings he held inside. "I was zoned out on the bridge because I began questioning our relationship. Before you left to see Spock Prime, the thought of being any more than my First Officer was far from your mind. But when you came back, all of a sudden you just had to talk to me and tell me how you feel. I didn't mention this before, but after Spock melded with me, I had…all _kinds _of thoughts in my head, all of them of you. It got to a point where I couldn't even tell whether my feelings were my own or not and…"

"You fear that I am under the influence of the meld Prime performed with me," Spock said, his words dripping with disappointment. "You have doubts that my feelings are my own."

"_Yes,_" Kirk said softly. "Everything has happened so fast between us…I can't help but wonder…"

Hot lips upon his cut Kirk off mid-sentence. Spock put as much love into his kiss as he could. Despite how conflicted Kirk was feeling inside, he couldn't help but return the kiss with the same amount of love in it. They separated and looked at each other. Spock then said, "Do not ever question my love for you. I admit, our coming together was swift, and the common element was the melds we both experienced with Prime. But I assure you, my love for you is genuine and mine alone."

"But Uhura…"

"Uhura means much to me as well, but on a different level than what you mean to me. Had the circumstances been different, it is highly likely that she and I would never have been together romantically as we once were. In fact, in Spock Prime's timeline, there was barely any sort of a mutual interest between the two of us. We were never meant to be more than good friends and colleagues, and I simply put our relationship back in its proper place." He placed a hand on Kirk's cheek, which Kirk leaned into. "Do not feel as though you are to blame for her sadness. I cannot bear to see you in this condition."

Kirk turned his head and kissed the palm of Spock's hand, holding it close to his face and nodding. "Alright, I'll try not to blame myself, but I make no promises." Spock withdrew his hand from Kirk's face and stood, walking to the door. He turned one last time, giving Kirk a reassuring nod, then left the room.

Sighing, Kirk fell backwards on his bed. He couldn't help but smile at the fact that the Vulcan had promptly pursued him when he left the bridge. He also reveled at how concerned he was for him. _Do not ever question my love... _Such strong words coming from a man who hated him just three months ago. Maybe he really was worried for nothing. Maybe his human emotions were simply causing him to be unnaturally paranoid. If Spock was certain that Kirk was the man he wanted to be with, then Kirk would just have to accept that, wouldn't he?

Unfortunately, their relationship came with a price, a rather hefty one at that. The guilt that Kirk felt inside himself seemed insurmountable. Even though Spock had been the first to come out and say that he was in love, Kirk was the one who initiated the sexual rendezvous in his room shortly after. Regardless of the fact they had both consented, Spock had cheated on Uhura with him. Though he couldn't say it wasn't the first time this sort of thing had happened, it didn't change how despicable it was.

He grabbed a pillow and covered his face with it. Back when he was driven solely by sex, this sort of thing didn't bother him at all. After all, women were nothing more than a conquest to be had by him. But he had matured exponentially in the last three months; this sort of thing disgusted him now. To make matters worse, if she ever found out (and Kirk was _certain_ she'd find out, and soon), things would become incredibly awkward between the three of them.

_What's done is done, _he thought to himself. _I'm already past the point of no return. The only thing I can do now is stay out of her sight. _That's when he remembered what he said on the bridge. 'If there's anything you want to talk about, you can always talk to me.' He groaned and pushed the pillow into his face. _Why did I do that? That was so stupid of me! Offering a shoulder to cry on would have been perfectly fine if I wasn't part of the reason she was upset! Even if she doesn't know Spock dumped her for me, she's gonna think I'm a jerk for trying to comfort her!_

Kirk let his arms fall to his sides. In his efforts to be the nice guy despite his predicament, he had probably put himself in the worse possible situation. The only thing he could do for now was avoid Uhura like the plague.


	17. Vulnerable

**Ch 15: Vulnerable**

The day progressed at rather sluggish rate for Kirk. For some reason, knowing they were hurtling through space towards an uncharted planet caused time to move more slowly. Or maybe it was the fact that he was confining himself to his room to lessen the chance that he'd bump into Uhura. In Kirk's case, it was more likely the latter. The blond-haired captain found he had become extremely bored before long and made his way to the mess hall. Perhaps something more interesting would happen there.

If he only knew.

Upon arriving in the mess hall, Kirk decided to get a bit of a snack. He walked up to the food replicator and requested a blueberry cobbler with a side of vanilla ice cream. Seconds later, a steamy plate of gooey blueberry cobbler appeared with a small cup of vanilla ice cream right next to it. Kirk took the tray of cobbler and ice cream sat on and quickly found a seat. Fork in hand, he flipped the cup upside down so that the ice cream fell on the cobbler and took a bite. The sweet tanginess of the cobbler/ice cream combination stimulated his taste buds. It took every bit of effort to avoid openly drooling as he savored the delicious combination. Sure, it had nothing on the homemade cobbler and ice cream his mother made, but it did a good job of coming close to it.

Just as he took another bite, someone placed a tray next to him. He turned, mouth full of yumminess, and felt his throat close as he saw Uhura, a small smile on her face. "Hey," she said, sitting down next to Kirk. On her tray sat a cobb salad and a glass of water.

Swallowing his mouthful of tasty cobbler with unusual difficulty, Kirk replied in as casual and genial a tone as he could. "Hey, fancy meeting you in the mess hall. That's a nice little salad you got on your plate," he said, pointing with his fork. Uhura laughed lightly. "Thanks. And that's a nice little meal you have yourself. Not in the mood for a well balanced meal?"

Kirk smirked. "Well, seeing as how there's no telling what we could stumble upon on in unexplored space, I believe it's best to eat dessert first."

Uhura laughed again and began eating her salad. "You've got quite an outlook on life don't you?"

"Yeah, well, I'm well aware that my lifestyle isn't for everyone." _More so than you know,_he thought to himself. He took a moment to take another bite of cobbler. "So, you feel any better?"

She paused, mid bite. "I thought I said I was fine when you asked on the bridge?"

Kirk sighed inwardly. Looks like Uhura was back to her normal self, if only somewhat. He made a mental note not to get used to her addressing him in such a way that implied she didn't hate his guts. More likely than not, he wouldn't have to remind himself soon enough. Vainly, he attempted to continue the conversation against his better judgment, thinking, _Might as well keep the lie going… _"Oh come on, if there's anything I can pick up on, it's when something's wrong with a woman. My offer stands if you want someone to talk to." _Gah! Why did I say that?!?_

To Kirk's relief, Uhura said nothing in return. She continued to eat her salad, occasionally sipping from her cup of water. Kirk shrugged and brought his attention back to his cobbler and ice cream, glad to have the silence. Finishing quickly, he scooted his chair back and picked up his tray. He walked the tray to the disposal and was about to leave the mess hall when Uhura called out.

"If…" she paused, watching the Captain turn around and look at her. "If I wanted to come by your quarters later to talk, would you be available?"

_Dammit, dammit, DAMMIT. I've got to stop setting myself up for this crap… _Kirk smirked at Uhura from across the room. "I've got a lot of paperwork to fill out. It'll probably take me the entirety of the evening to finish it up. I'm sure by the time someone came by wanting to talk to me, I'd be more than willing to take a break." He gave her a wink from across the room, and then left the mess hall, thinking, _Damn, I should get an award for my acting skills…_

Kirk felt his brain begin to turn to mush as he filled out his 39th form. Why did he have so damn much paperwork to handle? When he dreamed of being a captain as a child, he thought it would be glamorous: exploring new planets, meeting strange new life forms, earning medal after medal for his heroics, not spending hours and hours working on paperwork! He didn't even notice that his jaw had gone slack from the mindless activity, a bit of drool accumulating in the corner.

When he heard a knock at his door, he immediately flew out of his chair. Finally, something to relieve him of this wretched monotony! He opened the door and, as expected, saw Uhura. He had been so bored, he didn't have to feign happiness at seeing the slender woman before him. At that moment, the devil himself could have been at his door and he would have greeted him just as gleefully.

"Oh thank God, please, _please, _come in!" Kirk exclaimed, stepping aside. Smirking, Uhura asked, "Is the paperwork that bad?" Kirk enthusiastically nodded. "You. Have. NO idea. If you had come ten minutes later, I might have become completely brain dead." He pulled another chair close to his desk and sat down. Uhura took a seat in the chair and crossed her legs. Involuntarily, Kirk checked out the long, smooth legs of his guest. He shook himself mentally when he realized what he was doing. _Guess old habits are harder to break than I thought… _

He smiled innocently at Uhura and leaned forward. "So, obviously you came here to talk; I'm all ears."

Uhura looked around rather uneasily, as if she was conflicted about whether or not she should even be in the same room with Kirk at that moment. "It's…it's Spock," she began. "He, uh, he broke up with me last night."

Kirk did his best to look genuinely surprised. "Wow," he said, acting as if this were news to him. "That's pretty heavy stuff. But I thought that you and he were getting along great? Why would he suddenly break it off like that?"

Tears glistened in Uhura's eyes. "I don't know. Everything was fine before we were granted time off. He told me he hoped that I enjoyed my time at home, I kissed him goodbye, and I left. When I came back though…" Her voice broke, a couple tears falling from her eyes. "I'm sorry. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't be here…"

She rose from the chair and was about to make her way out when Kirk instinctually grabbed her wrist. "No, please. Stay and talk to me." He looked into her eyes and felt his heart skip a beat. He mentally slapped himself. _No! Damn it, don't think about her that way! _Kirk was finding it harder and harder to resist Uhura now that she was in his room alone with him. After spending so long lusting after her, it seemed he was unable to resist himself. Collecting himself, he motioned to her chair and said, "Come on, sit back down. You need someone to talk to right now."

She stared at Kirk a little longer then sat back down in the chair. She wiped the tears from her face, took a deep breath, and then continued. "When I saw him, I could tell that something was different. I don't know what happened during shore leave, but something changed."

Kirk swallowed down the lump of guilt he felt in his throat. _Ooh, something changed alright… _He gave a shrug and said, "Maybe the time apart gave him time to realize that he wants something different from your relationship. They may say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that's an expression that applies mainly to humans."

"Spock _is _half-human, you know," Uhura replied with a frown.

"Yeah, and the other half is Vulcan." Kirk began to look a bit frustrated. "Look, I know you think that because you love him, you can get him to tear down his Vulcan barriers and embrace his humanity, but it's not that easy. When you spend your entire life being one way and are suddenly given an opportunity to be different, you can't just change overnight. It takes time, time that Spock probably didn't find a 'logical' use of his time in the long run."

Uhura's jaw twitched in anger. She didn't like the fact that Kirk was right. In fact, it infuriated her to admit it. But it didn't make his words any less true. "So maybe it was a mistake to fall in love with a _half-_Vulcan, but that doesn't change the fact that for a while, he and I shared something real, something special. He may have trouble showing his true self to _you _and everyone else on this ship," Kirk's eyes narrowed at her over-emphasis on the 'you', "but behind closed doors, he opened his heart to me. _Me._ And I can't handle him just throwing all that away because his Vulcan logic decided to kick in while I was away."

"You don't get it, do you?" Kirk said, beginning to get angry himself. He was finding it increasingly more difficult not to throw it in her face that Spock dropped her to be with him. "When Spock lost his mother and his planet, you rushed in to play Nurse Nightingale! You wanted to patch him up and make him feel like everything was alright-"

"Why shouldn't I have done that? No one else would have even bothered-"

"How do _you _know that? You didn't give anyone the chance! You just swooped in and pacified him and, and, and _babied _him, and spoon fed him a bunch of sugary _crap_-"

"I gave him _love! _Something that he only got from his mother-"

"-which is _exactly _why he broke up with you!"

Uhura stared at Kirk, flabbergasted by his words. He let his words hang in the air for a moment, wanting them to sink in before he continued. He didn't give a damn about the fact that he was the last person she should be talking to about Spock. It was time she realized that her love was one-sided and misplaced. He lowered his voice, a deadly tone ringing loud and clear, "You provided him a daily reminder of what he lost. Now this may have been acceptable for a while, considering the one thing he wants most is his mother to be alive again, but when you left, you gave him time to realize what that was really doing to him. You weren't helping his wounds heal, you were _reopening _them. Every single time you kissed him, every time you held him, everything you said to him reminded him of his mother. _That's _why he broke up with you, because he couldn't bear to look in your eyes and see his dead mother looking back at him."

A sob broke through the air, reminding Kirk of just how big of an ass he was. Uhura had come to him seeking comfort, and instead, he threw her feelings on the ground and stomped on them. She began to cry openly, and Kirk closed his eyes, wincing at the sound of her sobs. _This is why I kept most of my relationships on a strictly sexual basis, _he thought to himself. _I can't deal with how sensitive women are…no wonder I fell for a half-Vulcan male._

He reached forward and touched her arm carefully. Shockingly, she didn't pull away from his touch; rather she leaned into it with her head hung low. Kirk took a chance and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and stroking her hair. She allowed this close contact and cried even harder. For a while, they sat just like that, Kirk stroking her hair and Uhura crying. "I'm sorry, Uhura," he said, breaking the silence. "I shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't mean to make you cry."

Something inside Uhura was comforted by Kirk. The embrace coupled with the words of comfort he willingly offered warmed her heart. This was a different side to him that she never saw. It was a softer side, it was a gentler side, and it was…a _sexier_ side. Uhura found herself wondering what it was he was trying to prove with the macho bravado he slathered on every single day. Whatever it was, it wasn't worth holding this side of him back. She pulled back and looked at him, staring into those amazing blue eyes of his. She felt strangely as though she were getting pulled in by them. Before she could control herself, she found herself kissing him sweetly on the lips.

When Uhura's lips met Kirk's, a million different things went off inside his head. He was taken aback by it at first, but it felt so good to feel a woman's lips touching his. He found himself temporarily engrossed in the salty sweetness of her tear-moistened lips, and moved to deepen the kiss. She responded in kind enthusiastically. _So this is what it feels like to kiss Uhura,_ he thought. _Spock was quite a lucky man…_

Visions of the Vulcan played behind Kirk's closed eyes. _Spock…_

Kirk's eyes flew open when the gravity of the situation sunk in. He was kissing _Uhura_, Spock's ex! Granted, if things were different, Spock would've been the last thing he would be worried about, but he was _involved _with Spock, which changed everything! Coming to his senses, he gently pulled Uhura away. She looked at him, drunk from the kiss. He stood up and turned away from her before he could be persuaded to kiss her again.

"That…was not good," he gasped, his words only reflecting half of what he felt. To be honest, the kiss was very good indeed. _Too_ good. What had begun as a simple talk between a captain and his officer became something much steamier…and much more dangerous. With a slight reluctance, Kirk said softly, "I don't think you should be here anymore."

Uhura looked at the back of Kirk's head, a new sadness filling her heart. Of all the people she had expected to refuse her advances, Kirk was far beyond the last person on her list. In a different scenario, she would have actually gained respect for the man. But given the fact that he had his eyes on her since they met, she was astonished at his actions, and shockingly disappointed.

She rose from her seat and excused herself silently from the room. Kirk breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he heard his door close behind him. He slumped down in the chair Uhura had just sat in and rubbed his forehead. Things just got much more complicated than he had anticipated.


	18. Expect the Unexpected

**Ch 16: Expect The Unexpected**

A beautiful blond woman stood before several love struck crew members, none of which were patients. She had only been on the Enterprise for a few hours and already she had more than just a handful of admirers. McCoy stood scowling against a wall monitoring the spectacle the men made of themselves as they fought to impress the overwhelmed woman. She was indeed a sight to behold with her fair skin and delicate pink lips; regretfully she was also too shy to reject the overzealous men.

Having had enough, McCoy spoke above the din of the rambling crewmen. "Alright ya hound dogs, leave the lady be. She didn't become a crew member just to give y'all something to fantasy about! Go on, get outta here!" The men looked at McCoy with disdain, but didn't dare go against his wishes. After all, they'd be under _his _knife if anything ever happened to them. Disgruntled and defeated, they slowly wandered out of the sick bay, giving the nurse one last longing look before they left.

The woman smiled a dazzling smile at McCoy, which didn't faze him in the least. He had had enough of petty feminine wiles, more than enough to last him a lifetime. Not quite scoffing at her, he scolded, "Perhaps if you had spoken up a bit, they would have left sooner. I'll make this clear now because I don't want to have to say it when it really matters. This is a sick bay, not a place for courtship. Tell your admirers to admire you outside."

Her smile quickly disappeared at McCoy's stern voice. In a small yet musical voice, she apologized. "I'm sorry Doctor. I was a bit overwhelmed with their enthusiasm. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." She bowed her head and looked up coyly at him. This look, which would have caused the heart of any other man to skip a beat, had as little an effect on him as her smile did. "Make sure that it doesn't, Nurse."

"My name is Christine," the nurse said, her voice strong now. "Christine Chapel. If I'm going to be working with you Doctor, I'd prefer if you called me by my name."

McCoy gave her a look that could have melted steel. She immediately regretted speaking up, but she didn't feel like she was in the wrong to request being called by her name. Venomously, McCoy hissed, "So long as you call me Doctor, expect to be called Nurse. That's what you are and that's how you'll be addressed unless I feel it absolutely necessary to do otherwise. Is that clear?"

Seething internally, she nodded. "Yes Doctor. If you'll excuse me…" Christine made her way to the door, but stopped in her tracks when the ship's captain came barreling through the door. He had bumped into her, but caught her before she could stumble backwards. Christine came face to face with the most handsome man she had ever seen and it showed clearly on her face. Golden hair, tan skin, sapphire eyes, a nice muscular body, and a smile that easily outshined hers. Her heart skipped a beat and her breath caught in her throat.

"Whoa there," Kirk said in a velvety smooth voice that made her swoon. "No need to give me a real reason to be in here now." He looked closely at her face and realized he had never met her before. "You're new to the ship, aren't you?"

"Yes, she's my nurse," McCoy cut in before Christine could utter a single word. He was going to nip this in the bud before it went any further. Kirk's head was too easily turned toward a pretty face, all the more so if it was one he hadn't seen before. McCoy wasn't about to have Kirk hanging around the sick bay pretending to be sick just to catch another glance at her. "Hands off Jim, I need her attention on the injured, not on you. Nurse, I believe you were leaving?"

She looked at McCoy, frustration and a hint of sadness in her eyes. Kirk released her and watched her walk out of the sick bay with her head down. Cutting an eye at his friend, Kirk thought, _well, someone's a little cranky today._

Right on cue, as if he had heard Kirk's thoughts, McCoy said, "Weeeell, look who finally comes to say hi," crossing his arms like an angry wife who had waited hours for her husband to come home. "For a while I thought I'd either have to wait for you to crack your head open or hunt you down just to see ya!"

Rolling his eyes at McCoy, Kirk hopped onto the medical table in the center of the room and swung his legs lazily back and forth. "I'm a captain, Bones! I've got lots of captain-like duties to deal with! I just spent the last 5 hours taking care of an obscene amount of paperwork!"

"So _that's _your excuse for not seeing me?" McCoy retorted, not buying Kirk's excuses for a minute. "You can't honestly expect me to think that _you_ of all people were busy doing _work, _do you?!?"

Kirk put a hand on his chest and feigned indignation. "Bones, you hurt me! Did I not prove I was worthy to become the captain of the Enterprise?"

"The only thing you proved was that you could get your ass kicked and get yourself into a heap of trouble!" McCoy said with a smile. He took a moment to gaze at his energetic friend. He may have been upset that Kirk had taken so long to come and visit, but he was still glad to see him. It wasn't like Jim to stay away; normally he'd rush over to the sick bay as soon as he got a chance to titter excitedly at him. Something must have happened to keep him away, and whatever it was, it was a far greater distraction than spending time with McCoy.

"Tell me straight Jim, what _have _you been up to lately?"

Kirk took stared at McCoy, unsure of how to answer. The truth would be a little too jarring, but he couldn't lie to his best friend. So, naturally, he dodged the question. "What about you? What'd you do back in Georgia during leave?"

This turned out to be a poor topic of choice. McCoy's face turned sour, as if he had swallowed a bug. "I had to finalize my divorce with my wife. As I expected, she was trying to milk me for all I had left, which wasn't much after she ran off! I spent the entire time I was in Georgia pulling that blood-sucking leech off of me! I barely had any time to say goodbye to any of my friends or family." He sighed, moving his hands to his hips. "It just goes to show you how treacherous women really are! The universe would be better without the whole lot!" A smirk pulled at the corner of Kirk's mouth. It was amusing to him how someone as good looking as McCoy could have so much trouble with women. Then again, once he considered his personality, it made perfect sense.

Kirk was only able to avoid the subject for the slightest of moments. McCoy's eyes bore into him, his anxiousness to have his questions answered shining brightly within them. "Come on Jim," McCoy prodded. "What have you been up to?" McCoy had moved uncomfortably close to Kirk, who was now beginning to fidget. He was feeling less like he was having a friendly conversation about his shore leave and more like he was being interrogated.

Finally cracking, Kirk looked around. No one besides him and the doctor were in sight, but that meant nothing to him. In a low voice, Kirk asked, "Hey uh, is there…is there anybody else in here?"

"Why no," McCoy blinked. "It's just you and me."

Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing he needed was for someone to hear him. He leaned forward and began to gossip. "Did you hear about Spock and Uhura?"

McCoy's brow furrowed. What did Spock and Uhura have to do with Kirk? "I've been far too busy chasing out Chapel's admirers to hear any rumors." He gave Kirk a tentative look. "Why, what happened?"

Nervously, Kirk looked around again. Satisfied that they were completely alone, he continued. "Well, Spock dumped Uhura yesterday." McCoy's eyebrows shot up on his forehead. He leaned in closer, his voice down to a whisper. "You can't be serious?!?" he asked, unable to hide the surprise in his voice.

Kirk nodded. "Yeah, Uhura's pretty torn up about it too. I saw her on the bridge this morning and offered to lend an ear if she needed to talk to anyone." McCoy shot Kirk a knowing look, but Kirk ignored it. "So she comes to my room and starts giving me the scoop, right? Well, we kinda got into an argument, but then the craziest thing happened…"

"She kissed you," McCoy interrupted, already seeing where this was going.

Blinking, Kirk nodded again. "Yeah, yeah, she kissed me. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a really _nice _kiss, but I stopped her." Shock sent McCoy's eyebrows flying back into his hairline and made him take a step back. Kirk couldn't help but roll his eyes at the doctor, but was glad to have a little breathing room. "Yeah, I know, unlike me, right? But the thing is I couldn't take advantage of her when she was so vulnerable. It…it just didn't seem right to do it."

A smile spread on McCoy's lips as he leaned back and looked at his friend. "Well Jim, I've got to say I'm very proud of you. It seems like your getting into the captain's seat has taught you a little self-control when it comes to the fairer sex!"

Kirk looked away, blushing slightly. "Well," he continued, "that's not the main reason I broke the kiss. I've, uh, I've got someone else I've got my sights set on." Not a complete lie, but not the complete truth. Kirk wasn't exactly sure how McCoy would react if he told him everything, but he had a pretty good idea.

The doctor leaned back in, curiosity getting the better of him. "Someone else, huh? Alright, out with it, who's the lucky girl this time?" Kirk's blush began to deepen. "It's…it's not a girl," he said, his voice becoming more of a mumble. "It's a guy."

McCoy's heart did a back flip when he heard this. A _guy?!? _He didn't know Jim was playing _both _sides of the field! It wasn't entirely surprising considering his good looks, and his overly masochistic attitude always seemed to be more of a cover than a true way of life for Kirk, but still, to hear that the Great Womanizer was interested in men was news to McCoy. He gulped, now becoming more than just a little nervous. "A, uh, _guy?_" He asked softly.

Kirk nodded. "Yeah, it's a, uh, guy. And he's someone really close to me…"

McCoy's heartbeat had skyrocketed. Blood pumped violently in his ears. His palms began to sweat. _No way, _he thought. _He couldn't be referring to __**me**__, could he? _He wiped his now very sweaty palms on his pants then rubbed them together nervously. He wasn't sure if he wanted to find out who he really meant, but if Kirk really _did _have an interest in him…

"Who…who is it Jim?" McCoy was having trouble keeping his voice steady. He desperately hoped Kirk was too embarrassed to notice. Kirk turned his head and looked away, his face beet red. McCoy tried again, anxious to know who it was that Kirk was interested in. His own cheeks began to burn as he moved a little closer to the blond-haired man, crowded him once again. "Come on Jim, we're friends. If ya can't tell me, who can ya tell?"

Kirk's eyes flickered towards McCoy's face, not daring to linger there for long. Finally, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply, he revealed himself to McCoy. "It's……Spock."

McCoy flew backwards, the blood in his face draining away. "_Spock?!?" _he shouted, unable to contain his disbelief. "You've got a thing for _Spock?!?!? _That green-blooded, pointed-eared, computerized, emotionless _hobgoblin?!?_"

Flying off the table and rushing over to the crazed doctor, Kirk clapped a hand over his mouth and shushed him loudly. "Shut up Bones! Do you want the whole _ship _to hear you?!?"

The doctor slapped the hand off of his mouth and glared at Kirk. "Have you lost all sense of reason, man?!? What the hell happened to you during the break that rattled you so much you've fallen for _Spock?!?_" Kirk whirled away, placing his hands on the table he had just launched himself off of and leaning on it as if to steady himself. McCoy wasn't about to let him off the hook, even though he knew he was upsetting him. "Answer me man! How the _hell _can you have any feeling other than sheer hatred for that alien?!?"

"_ENOUGH!" _Kirk pounded the table and spun back around to face a shocked Doctor McCoy. Anger set his clear blue eyes on fire, a look McCoy was seldom, if ever, on the receiving end of. He slowly moved forward, unable to hide the rage in his voice. "I don't expect you to understand why I feel the way I feel for Spock. Hell, _I'm_ still trying to understand why I feel the way I feel! But I can't help it Bones! Spock makes me feel different than all the other girls I've ever been with! It's not some bizarre new fetish, this is real love!"

"But Jim," McCoy begged. "Spock doesn't know the first thing about love…"

"How would _you _know? You don't know the first thing about Spock! You don't _want_to know anything about Spock! You'd rather complain about how different he is! For Christ's sake Bones, you don't even know the first thing about his anatomy, and you're his _doctor!_"

McCoy felt rage begin to build inside him as well. It was frustrating enough to know that Kirk had fallen for the most unlikely person imaginable, but to have Kirk criticize him as a doctor was crossing the line. "Do you really think he can give you what you need? Honestly? You're talking about a man who has spent his entire life denouncing all emotion! You really expect him to love you the same way you love him?"

Silence hung thickly in the air. After what he and Spock had discussed, it was strange that McCoy's words were actually affecting Kirk, but perhaps he was right. Though they agreed to build a relationship together, Spock's experience with love was limited to his now dead mother and the seemingly one-sided love from Uhura. Could he really love him the way he would need to be loved?

McCoy took the silence as an opportunity to get his own thoughts out. "Jim…if its love from another man you really wanted…_I _could give you that." It was now Kirk's turn to have his eyebrows disappear into his hairline. "And you'd never have a reason to doubt it, because I'd show you every single day that I care…"

The color drained out of Kirk's face. He didn't like the direction this conversation had taken, not one bit. He began to back up slowly, but the doctor followed, eager to close the gap between them. Kirk had quickly run out of room to back up and now stood against the table. He cursed the building crew that bolted the table to the floor. McCoy reached out for Kirk's face with a trembling hand. Kirk flinched as it made contact with his face, the doctor's surprisingly smooth hands stroking the stubble he had yet to shave off.

"Don't waste your love on that hob-goblin, Kirk," McCoy said, getting closer and closer, a look in his eyes that Kirk immediately recognized. He was about to get kissed…again. Kirk couldn't help but wonder what it was about him that was making everyone want to kiss him lately. Was he excreting some kind of weird pheromone now that he was with Spock?!?

He couldn't kiss McCoy, not after what had just happened with Uhura. Besides, this was his best friend, the first one he made after entering Starfleet Academy. He didn't want to ruin that with romance, especially when he didn't feel the same way. He tried to pull away, but to his surprise, McCoy didn't allow it. He pulled Kirk closer, his gentleness swiftly becoming fiercer and more desperate, as if he'd lose everything if Kirk were to get away. Kirk grabbed onto McCoy's broad shoulders and using almost all of his strength, he managed to push him away before their lips could meet.

Kirk's heart ached when he saw the look on his friend's face. Disappointment and sadness were not usually seen on the doctor's face, and it ripped Kirk up inside to see it directed at him. Breathless, he stared back at his friend, unable to hide his own sadness. He shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry Bones…even if Spock weren't in the picture, I just don't feel the same way as you do…"

Unable to bear the despair on his friend's face, Kirk swiftly left sick bay. What he didn't notice in his haste to leave was that right outside the door was Uhura, who had heard everything.

* * *

Uhura clomped down the hallway, still reeling from what she heard. She wanted to believe that she had simply misheard, but as loud as Doctor McCoy had screamed, she'd only be fooling herself. _Kirk has a thing for Spock? I was a little suspicious after the Nero incident, but I never really believed it until now… _Soon after Kirk became official captain of the Enterprise, they seemed to bury the hatchet for the most part. Sure, they bumped heads here and there, but it seemed like they had come to understand each other and that they were willing to co-exist.

She recalled how Kirk began looking at Spock over the last couple of months. How his eyes sort of twinkled. How they tended to follow Spock whenever he entered or left the room. The way he smiled a smile that seemed somewhat more personal than one usually shared between comrades, or even simple friends. No, there was much, much more behind those looks._ I should have known he was interested in Spock, _she thought bitterly._ That fool loves a challenge, and Spock would be the biggest challenge of his life._

She stopped in her tracks. Why should Kirk having a thing for Spock be a big deal for her? Just because Kirk fancied Spock didn't mean that Spock felt the same. He did after all feel the same way she did about the foolhardy captain who had lucked into his position. But then she began to remember some of the things she heard Spock say in reference to the captain. She took them as simply backhanded compliments at the time, but the more she thought about it, the less backhanded they seemed. One particular night stood out in her mind:

_The two were in Uhura's room, where they spent most of their time together. Spock's room was uncomfortably small for Uhura's taste, so she volunteered her room often to avoid feeling claustrophobic. She sat at the edge of the bed, Spock's head in her lap facing the door. She gently stroked his hair as they talked._

"_He is completely illogical," Spock said, staring blankly at the space in front of him. "It is as if he has no regard for his own well being. He recklessly throws himself in to every situation head first and fights his way out. Such behavior is unbecoming of a captain."_

"_He's been that way since I met him," Uhura replied. "Ever since I met him in that bar in Iowa, I've seen how hard-headed and persistent he can be."_

"_Oddly enough, that is simultaneously a negative and a positive aspect about the captain."_

_She looked down at Spock, confused. "What do you mean?"_

_Spock turned his body so that his head looked upward at Uhura. "While Captain Kirk has repeatedly put himself and the Enterprise in unfavorable situations, the mission's success and the safety of his crew are always his sole objectives. He is ready and willing to risk bodily harm, so long at those he swore to lead and protect are not compromised. There is also a sort of fire in his eyes, as you humans would put it, that I find incredibly fascinating. Perhaps in his particular case, a captain that is passionate about his position, but takes unnecessary risks is better than a complacent captain who follows the rules."_

_Uhura couldn't help but stare in disbelief at Spock, who innocently stared back at her. "Are you trying to tell me that you __**respect **__the way he handles his position as captain?!?"_

_Spock blinked at Uhura, unsure of why she reacted so. "I merely implied that his recklessness is rather noble when more closely examined." Spock raised an inquiring eyebrow. "Does this bother you?"_

Uhura's fists clenched without her realizing it. Yes, it _did _bother her. She had thought that Spock shared her dislike for the way Kirk treated his position with wanton abandon. He may have avoided large amounts of casualties, but his wild approach to each situation they had encountered to date got under her skin. One of these days he would get them all killed, and where would Spock's _respect _be then?

The more she thought about it, the more it sounded like Spock more than just admired Kirk. It started to sound like Spock… She shook the thought out of her head before it fully formed. She had to talk to Spock. It was too coincidental that she would overhear that Kirk liked Spock so soon after she got dumped. Deep in her heart, she wanted to think the events were completely unrelated, but her gut told her otherwise.

As if he were magically summoned by her own will, Spock turned a corner and walked down the same hallway she was in. He was immersed in his data pad and didn't even notice her presence. In fact, he was so focused he actually passed Uhura completely without knowing she was even there. This was her chance to ask him; if she didn't do it now, she may not have the courage to do it later.

"Spock!"

Her voice echoed slightly in the otherwise empty hall. Spock froze in place, his attention finally drawn to her. He slowly turned around and looked at her blankly.

She walked up to him and pulled at his arm. "Come with me," she said, urgency in her voice. "We need to talk." Spock silently followed her as she pulled him into an empty room. Once the door closed behind them, she began her interrogation.

"Did you dump me because of Kirk?" she asked bluntly, getting straight to the point. Spock's eyes grew large, but only for a moment. Quietly, he answered honestly, "Yes."

"Are you _kidding _me?!?" she yelled. "You dumped me because of _him? Why?!?_"

Spock brought his hands behind his back, pressing his data pad flat against him. He took a deep breath and began doing the one thing Kirk had advised him not to do: he began speaking to her in terms of logic. "The captain and I are in a situation where close contact is not only unavoidable, it is necessary for us to properly function. I find it desirable to be involved with him on a level beyond professionalism. If I can get inside his head and know how he thinks at all times, I can better defuse unfavorable situations so that our missions have a higher rate of success."

"_Bullshit!_"Uhura screamed. Spock was taken aback by her violent reaction. "You can't fool me, Spock. I know the real reason why you dumped me for him! It's because you're in love with him!" The two stood staring at each other for some time. Spock closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them again. "If you knew," Spock said, "then why did you inquire?"

Uhura's dry cheeks soon became wet with tears. Gritting her teeth, she answered, "Because I trusted you to tell me the truth."

Her words cut through Spock's heart like a knife. The very thing he had hoped to avoid was unfolding before his eyes. He was about to lose yet another very precious person to him, and this time, it was his own fault. "Does he know?" she asked, knowing the answer would break her heart. Still, she deserved to know. Spock turned away from her, not wanting to even be in the same room as her. "_Answer me!_"

He faced her and nodded. Tears continued to stream down her face. It was against his better judgment, but he began recounting the last two week. "During shore leave, I went to the New Vulcan colony to…spend some time alone with my thoughts. It was during that time that I came to realize how I…felt…about the captain. Apparently when I returned, the captain had used his shore leave to do the very same. We used the remainder of the time admitting the truth to each other and getting to know each other better. We shared stories of our past and…"

"I don't want to hear about how you two became lovers, okay?" Uhura interrupted with a look of disgust on her face. "All I wanted was a straight answer about your real reason for breaking things off with me." She turned and walked toward the door. She stopped herself steps away from the door, turning back around and looking at Spock, her chocolate brown eyes red and puffy from the tears she shed.

"Spock…" she said softly, her voice straining against the lump in her throat. "Does Kirk really mean more to you than I do?"

Spock walked up to Uhura and held her close. She wept on his shoulder, remembering how good it felt to be held by him. Instead of answering her directly, he said, "You will always have a special place inside my heart, Nyota." She smiled through the tears. Hearing him call her by her first name made her pain lessen, but only slightly. "However, I do not think we were meant to be more than good friends. I…feel…that my relationship with the captain is one that should be beyond simple duty and friendship, but much more."

Warm wetness began to seep into Spock's shirt where Uhura's tears soaked in. He hesitatntly raised a hand to her head and begun stroking her hair. "I will never forget what you did for me, how you stood by my side when I lost it all. I truly treasure you, and hope you never feel otherwise." He released his hold on her just enough to plant a kiss on her forehead, wiped a tear away with his thumb, and turned to left the room.

Just as the door opened, Uhura screamed, "_I kissed Kirk!!!" _Spock stopped midstride. _No, _Uhura thought bitterly to herself. _If I can't have him, then I won't let Kirk have him! I'll ruin everything, even if it destroys everything I have with Spock! _She continued, "He offered to comfort me, trying to be all Buddy, Buddy with me. When I went to his room, I kissed him! And he kissed me back!"

The door slid back closed as Spock slowly turned to face Uhura. To her surprise, instead of seeing incredulous pain in his face, she saw…rage? No, that couldn't have been it. She went on, "He doesn't love you! He doesn't have it in him to love you! You're just a play thing for him, another sexual target for his-"

Her voice trailed off when she realized that Spock was right in front of her, centimeters from her face. When had he bridged the distance between them? She hadn't even seen him move! Uhura had been so busy yelling that she didn't notice that Spock had also grabbed a fistful of her uniform. The rage she had thought she had imagined now stared her straight in the face. She hadn't seen that kind of look since Kirk exposed him as emotionally compromised on the bridge. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw that look was now directed fully at her.

"You_ lie,_" he rumbled. Uhura smiled evilly, doing her best not to show how unnerved she was. "If you don't believe me, ask him. He's wanted me since I met him in that bar in Iowa, and I could see in his eyes when we were alone that he still does." The words she spoke were completely unlike her, but she didn't care how she sounded anymore. She only wanted him to hurt like she did. "It's a shame he pushed me away, but I think if I persisted enough, he'd have easily changed his mind about refusing me. Who knows? Maybe I could have even made him forget all about _you._"

Spock's eyes appeared to almost glow red with rage. He pulled her closer and said in a dangerous tone, "Jim is _mine, _and mine _alone. _Regardless of whatever feminine wiles you attempt to seduce him with, _nothing _will change that." Spock released his grip on Uhura's uniform and she promptly pushed him away. "You're wasting your time!" she screamed, completely delirious with anger. "He's just going to break your heart! You'll regret you ever left me for him, you wait and see!"

He looked at her with a look of enraged pity. "I am disappointed in you, _Uhura,_" Spock stressed the use of her last name instead of her first, which sent daggers through her heart. "I had envisioned you to be a much nobler and more dignified woman than the spectacle you just made of yourself. Apparently I was foolish to think you could handle this situation in a mature fashion." He turned away and left the room, stopping only for a moment to say, "Whether he breaks my heart or not is no longer a concern of yours. I will no longer divulge any personal information with you from this day forth."

The door slid behind Spock, leaving Uhura all alone. Uhura dropped to the floor and bawled like a child, not caring if anyone outside heard her.


	19. The Rumor Mill

**Ch 17: The Rumor Mill**

Scotty walked down the corridor with a big smile on his face. He whistled an old Scottish tune as he walked, swinging his arms and waving at those who passed by him. Since he had returned from leave, he had been stuck in the engineering room, save the occasional trip to the mess hall or his quarters to sleep. Things had finally calmed down enough, what with some of the new crew trying to get the hang of things and everyone else still wound up about the five year mission, and now Scotty was free to do as he pleased until they arrived at the distant planet. It didn't bother him to be holed up in the engineering room for so long; compared to the base he was stuck in on Delta Vega, the engineering room was a paradise. If you didn't include Keenser, Scotty's little green, bug eyed friend who followed him from Delta Vega, the company was infinitely nicer. Even though he only got four or five hours of sleep the last couple of days, the fact that he was sleeping on a warm ship made those four or five hours feel like small chunks of heaven.

Further down the hall stood Chekhov and Sulu, huddled together and talking in hushed tones. His already big smile grew bigger as he spotted his fellow commanding officers and picked up his pace. The two had been so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't even notice Scotty approach them. The smiling Scotsman stood before the two with his hands in his pockets.

"Hey there laddies!" Scotty said cheerfully, removing his hands from his pockets and clapping them both on the back. The two startled men jumped and gawked at him. "I haven't seen ye two since I got back from Scotland! How've ye been? Did ye enjoy yer time off?"

Both Sulu and Chekhov stared at each other then back at Scotty with matching serious looks on their faces. The smile that had graced Scotty's face quickly melted away. Something told him he didn't want to know what had the two normally jovial young men looking so grave. "What's goin' on? You two look awfully serious. Did something happen that I should know about?"

Sulu spoke up first. "You don't know, do you?" The color drained from Scotty's face. Things were beginning to look like he should have just stayed in the engineering room. Mouth working, he said, "No…I guess I don't. If it's important though, ye best be out with it. I don't like bein' left in the dark."

Chekhov looked at Sulu, who nodded back at him. He motioned for Scotty to come closer and said in a low voice, "Spock and Uhura hawe split up."

Scotty's eyes did a magnificent impression of a pair of plates. "_SPLIT UP?!?_" he shouted. Chekhov and Sulu quickly slapped their hands over his mouth and shushed him loudly. Eyes still wide, Scotty looked at the both of them in shock. They looked up and down the hall, making sure no one was around to hear the excited Scotsman's outburst. Swiftly, they rushed him into a nearby room to avoid someone walking in on their discussion. If telling Scotty that Spock and Uhura had broken up caused a reaction like that, there was no telling how he'd react to the rest of their news.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Scotty broke free of their grasp and whirled around to face them. He repeated himself in a quieter yet still frantic tone of voice. "Split up? What in the great fields of Scotland would cause them to break up? I thought they couldn't be separated by wild bulls!"

Exasperated, Sulu sighed. "My sources say that Spock didn't feel right that their relationship started during the Nero conflict. I guess he felt his feelings were based more on the fact that she comforted him during his time of mourning than on any preexisting attraction to her. Of course, these aren't his exact words, but for those of us that don't speak Spock, it's the best paraphrasing of his words."

"Are you kidding me?!?" Scotty exclaimed. "Is he mad?!? Any man would be proud to be with a woman who stood by his side when he needed her the most! How can he use that as an excuse to not be with her?"

"Things are a bit more complicated than that," Chekhov said. "Were he a human male, his logic would be equal to yours in this situation. Howewer, Spock is only half-human and was raised as a Wulcan, so his logic is that of a Wulcan male. In his culture, it is seen as a great disgrace to allow yourself to show any emotion, and it's likely that he realized that having a relationship with a woman that wants him to be openly emotional at all times was not the best choice for him."

Crossing his arms and smirking, Sulu added, "It sure doesn't help that he and Kirk are in love with each other."

Scotty's eyes doubled in size for the second time. "_SPOCK AND KIRK ARE IN __**LOVE?!?**__"_

Again, the two men shushed Scotty. Unfortunately for them both, the Scotsman was beyond a point where he could be calmed down. "Are ye daft?!? They've been at each other's throats since I got on this ship! Hell, the Captain was almost _choked _to death before my very eyes just minutes after I arrived! Ye mean to tell me that those two are in _love?!? _With _each other?!?!?"_

Sulu was becoming more than just a little agitated with Scotty. "Look Scotty, I know it's hard to digest but it's the truth!" he shouted. "You've been stuck in engineering all this time, so you have no clue what's been going on!"

"Oh yeah?" Scotty countered. "And what about you? I doubt the Captain and Mr. Spock have been throwing the fact that they love each other around recklessly, especially if Spock broke up with Uhura over it! How am I supposed to believe that what you say is true? For all I know this is just some stupid joke!"

Sulu and Scotty stared at each other intensely, making Chekhov more than just a bit nervous. In a low voice, Sulu responded, "I have a friend in security that watches over all the cameras on the ship. Since we haven't had many security breaches, he looks for the most interesting thing to eavesdrop on. You know all the rumors that circulate throughout the crew? Well, at least half of them are based on truth because the information came from him. He's seen everything that's happened since day one."

Slack jawed, Scotty gaped at Sulu in amazement. If it were true that there was a security guard that just looked for juicy tidbits on the ship, he'd have to be very careful with what he does from now on. Sighing in defeat, he said, "Well, I guess there's no disputing information when it comes from a source like that. Anything else I should be aware of?"

Smirking, Sulu said, "I don't know. But I know someone who does."

* * *

Azrael Andrews sat back in his chair, surveying the multiple screens in front of him. Some of the screens showed various crew members attending to their duties or chatting casually while others were empty. The security room was all his; he had sent his subordinates off duty for the evening so that he could look for more juicy tidbits on the screens. Very few people knew that some of the biggest and more accurate rumors were started by him, and he wanted to keep it that way.

When the door to the security room slid open, he lurched forward. Heart pounding in his throat, he instinctively brought his hand to the phaser at his side. When he saw Sulu, he relaxed and moved his hand away from the phaser. But then he saw Scotty and Chekhov behind him. Why were there here? And better yet, why had Sulu come here with them in tow?

"Can I help you guys?" he asked, leery of Sulu's intentions. The three walked closer, Sulu staring straight at him, Scotty and Chekhov staring at the screens. The mischievous smile on Sulu's face only added to Azrael's apprehension. Whenever his friend smiled like that, it meant trouble for him without the shadow of a doubt.

Standing beside his friend, Sulu looked around innocently, as if he had never been in the security room before. "Azrael, you know Mr. Scott and Mr. Chekhov, right?" he said, motioning to his companions, who now brought their attention to the flustered looking security officer.

"Yeah, of course I do," he said, arching an eyebrow at Sulu. He looked at the two men and nodded at them, receiving a nod in response. Turning his attention back to Sulu, he asked, "My question is why are there here?"

The mischievous smile got bigger, making Azrael even more worried. "Well," Sulu began, "I was telling my dear friends about some of the recent developments of our fellow commanding officers and Scotty was rather curious if any other exciting things had been happening. I wanted to tell him, but the last I had heard was about Kirk and Spock being an item. Since I got this juicy nugget from you, I figured I'd bring both Scotty and Chekhov straight to my source to witness any new events with their own eyes."

Azrael groaned. He was afraid Sulu would pull something like this. Bringing him to see the security room was proving to be a grave mistake. It was normal for security officers to occasionally abuse their power, but having not just one, but _three _non-security officers in the security room at once wasn't going to look good if his superior came in. He had some tenure considering his position, but he was far from the top of the security food chain, and could get in serious trouble for having them in there with him.

"Sulu, you do realize that my bringing you here in the first place was a one time thing, right?" Azrael said as he covered his face with his hand. "If I had known you'd bring your buddies, I never would have brought you here."

The smile disappeared and was replaced with a frown. Hands on his hips, Sulu retorted, "You know, if you were worried about me bringing people, you shouldn't have been bragging about all the things you get to see in here. And as I recall, I didn't exactly twist your arm to come in here either. You were all like, 'Hey Sulu, come check out the sweet set up in the security room, I get to see everything!' Besides, as proud of yourself as you were, I figured you'd love to show your strange voyeuristic fetish with others!"

"Dammit Sulu!" Azrael shouted, slamming his hands on the console in front of him. "I took a big enough risk bringing you in here, and I did it because you're my friend and I trusted you, not because I wanted the whole damned ship to know I spy on them when I'm bored! I may have the night shift, but that doesn't mean my superior won't come in here, see you three, and throw me in the brig!"

Sulu smiled again, crossing his arms. "Which means you should show us something good quick so that he doesn't waltz in and find us!"

Azrael sighed in defeat. There was no way he was going to get rid of Sulu now that he was here. The only thing he could do now was to find something interesting as quickly as he could so he can shoo them all out. He looked behind the three men and was briefly relieved to see the door was closed. "Alright, I'll see if I can find something interesting to show you. But if I find nothing, you gotta get out of here and never come back!"

He swiveled his chair to face the camera and scanned the screens for something out of the ordinary. So far everything was looking familiarly boring. That is, until his eyes fell upon the mess hall camera. He leaned forward and breathed, "Helloooo…"

Sulu turned to Chekhov and Scotty, smirked, and then looked at the same screen Azrael was looking at. Exchanging curious glances, Chekhov and Scotty also turned their attention to the screen. They saw two lone figures sitting next to each other in an otherwise empty mess hall. Upon closer inspection, they saw that the two were Doctor McCoy and his new nurse.

Azrael zoomed in on the two and turned the speakers for that particular camera up. It looked like Sulu was going to get his juicy nugget after all.

* * *

"So what's wrong?" Chapel prodded. McCoy scowled at his nosy nurse. Just because she had been assigned to his sick bay didn't mean he had to divulge anything to her, especially not something like this. He didn't know her well enough to reveal anything personal and his sexual orientation was as personal as it got. It was rather strange that she so willingly sat next to him after he had chased her out of his sick bay, and frankly, he'd prefer it if she went away.

Chapel sighed and scooted closer to McCoy, who deliberately scooted away. It was bad enough she wouldn't go away; he didn't need her eating up his personal space. "Come on Doctor," she persisted. "The only people in the mess hall are you and me. No one's going to hear what you have to say. If you're worried about your image as a chiseled, grizzly, hard-boiled doctor, your secret will be safe with me."

McCoy cut an eye at Chapel. "If that's your attempt at getting me to spill my guts, you should work on your technique," he spat. The longer they talked the less hungry he became. He stared at his now cold chicken fried steak, which he had hardly had a bite of. It was one of his favorite meals, and because Chapel insisted on drilling him for information, he wouldn't get to enjoy it. He pushed the tray away from him, frustrated at the waste of a perfectly good meal.

"If I tell you," he said slowly. "Will you leave me alone?" She nodded at him, not wanting to say anything else that could possibly change his mind. He took a deep breath and began baring his soul to the nurse he barely knew. "Alright, but don't tell me you didn't want to know all this when I'm done. You asked for it, so here it is."

"Jim, the captain, is a good friend of mine from the academy. We met on the shuttle in Iowa. Don't ask me why I was in Iowa, just listen to my story," he quickly said, cutting Chapel's question off before she could ask it. "Do me a favor and save your questions until I'm done, cuz if you cut me off even once, I'll dump what was going to be my dinner and leave you here to eat by yourself." He resituated himself in his chair and continued his story.

"Now, I watched that damned fool chase after half the women in the academy. I'm sure at some point he might have even tried to proposition you, though I doubt you'd forget him if he had. Hell, I think I even saw him hit on a few teachers while he was there. At first I found it amusing that one man could flit from woman to woman like a hummingbird to flowers, but then it started to bug me. Not in a way I thought it would bug me either. Normally it'd just be annoying to have his attention constantly shifting away to stare down some pretty girl when we're talking, but it was worse than just that. I found myself getting jealous. Not because I wanted to woo women like him, but because I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at other women."

Chapel's look of surprise didn't go unnoticed by McCoy, but he didn't want to stop and acknowledge her every reaction. "Three years. Three years I tolerated his wandering eyes and his numerous affairs. Not once did I say anything. The only thing that made me hold my tongue was the occasional flirt he'd throw my way. It gave me a bit of hope that the women were just a cover for his masculinity. After we got aboard the Enterprise and he became official captain, I got a little more optimistic. The women chasing all but stopped once he came aboard. Sure his eyes still roamed, but he didn't go beyond that."

"We started spending time together. He'd come to the sick bay just to chat with me. I pretended to be annoyed by his constant loitering, but really, it made me happy. It was nice having him around, having him to myself. On many an occasion, I thought about telling him how I felt, but I always backed down." He sighed sadly and slumped forward. Chapel put a hand gently on his shoulder, which he surprisingly didn't shy away from. As down as he was feeling, the hand was a welcome sensation.

McCoy's sadness was reflected in his voice, which was now softer in both volume and tone. "After the shore leave ended, he didn't come see me once. Not once. I didn't want to seek him out and look desperate, but I was getting more than a little impatient, especially since I was stuck giving the last of my belongings to my ex-wife during my time on Earth. I really wanted to see him. I really did."

"I wanted to be happy when I saw him finally come and see me. I thought to myself, 'I'll do it today. I'll tell him how I feel.'" He raised his hands to his face, covering it to hide the tears that threatened to fall from Chapel. Muffled, he said, "He's in love with Spock! He's in love with that unfeeling, green-blooded, robotic Vulcan male!"

Chapel's beautiful blue eyes became wide. If McCoy's love for Kirk wasn't surprising enough, the thought of Kirk being in love with another man was even more surprising. Hearing about his womanizing ways wasn't a surprise when she saw how strikingly attractive he was, but hearing that he fancied men just didn't seem to compute for her. She hadn't met Spock yet, but she could imagine he must be incredible in order to make some one like Kirk fall in love with him. Her first day on the Enterprise was turning out to be rather eventful indeed.

She studied McCoy's face behind his hands and saw a tear roll down his cheek. She hadn't imagined the doctor to have such a tender, sensitive side to him, but something about seeing him in such a vulnerable state touched her. The hand that rested on his shoulder began to rub his back. A choked sob escaped McCoy's throat despite his best efforts to hold his emotions in. Chapel wrapped her arm around McCoy's shoulders and pulled him closer. McCoy wouldn't embrace her; she knew and expected this. It was enough for both of them to simply sit like that while McCoy allowed his tough exterior to slip and show the softer side of him.

McCoy managed not to cry very loudly, but the tears still fell freely. It had been years since he had cried; he prided himself on being a strong man and keeping a stiff upper lip in even the worst situations. The pain in his heart was too heavy for him to bury this time. If he didn't let it out know, he wasn't sure when he would.

Finally finding the opportunity to say something, Chapel softly said, "I know this doesn't mean much coming from me, but perhaps this is for the best. The captain is your best friend. What if things didn't work out between you two? What if he went back to his womanizing while you two were together? The two of you share a deep bond, or at least that's what I gather from what you've told me. A relationship would have put all that to risk. What would you do if you lost him?"

McCoy took a moment to consider what Chapel said. On the surface, it seemed like a bunch of tripe that she was dishing him simply to make him feel better. But when he thought about it, she had a very valid point. Kirk may have been taking his job as captain seriously and resisting the urge to chase after every woman that passed him, but knowing Kirk, that couldn't last forever. As his best friend, there was nothing to worry about, but in Spock's position…

He smiled in spite of himself at the thought of Kirk breaking Spock's heart by cheating on him with another woman. He could almost picture the anguish on his face and relished it. And of course, when they broke up or had a fight, who was it that Kirk would turn to? When Kirk began to cry because Spock wasn't the man he thought he'd be who would be the shoulder for him to cry on?

Chapel caught the smile on McCoy's face and wondered what it was about what she said that made him smile. But as she looked at the smile, she felt something stir slightly inside of her. Now that McCoy's face wasn't wrinkled up in his normal scowl, she could see how handsome he really was.

Taking a risk, she wiped away one of the tears that still clung to his cheek. The gentle touch startled McCoy, but surprisingly felt nice. He hoped it was because he was still in a somewhat emotional state, but something about her touch reminded him of when he first fell in love with ex-wife. The thought of his ex-wife made him pull away and sit up straight. Chapel looked sadly at the doctor, but removed her arm from around him.

She grabbed her tray and stood up. McCoy looked up at her with still moist eyes. The stirring Chapel felt increased when he made eye contact with her. Her cheeks betrayed what she felt inside as they tinted a light pink. She smiled and said, "Everything will work out for the best Doctor. Just remember that Kirk is still your friend and will always turn to you when he needs you most, and you'll be fine."

McCoy nodded at his nurse then watched her as she dumped her tray and left the mess hall, giving him a final look over her shoulder. His heart fluttered ever so slightly from the small smile that she gave him before disappearing. She really was a beautiful woman, and had a good heart too…

He shook his head violently and grabbed his tray. Standing abruptly and sending his chair flying behind him, he took his tray to the trash receptacle and left the mess hall as well.

* * *

"Holy-" Azrael trailed off, his mouth hanging open. The three men had unnecessarily crowded around him and leaned forward. On their faces were matching expressions of shock and disbelief. They had just witnessed a side of McCoy that was formally the subject of many rumors and jokes. Finally registering that there was nothing more on the screen to see, the three men stood up straight, their mouths still hanging open.

Azrael turned in his chair and looked at the trio who were frozen in surprise. Slowly, they turned their attention from the screen to Azrael's face. Breaking the silence, he said, "This…is never…to leave this room. There are some things that should never be seen or revealed, and this is one of them."

The trio nodded in silent agreement. None of them wanted to ever feel the brunt of McCoy's wrath being directed at them. They had never seen him enraged, and with luck, they never would. Speaking up, Sulu spoke to his companions. "Come on guys, let's get out of here before Azrael gets in trouble."

Still shocked into silence, Chekhov and Scotty managed to close their mouths and nod. The trio left the room, leaving Azrael to process what he had just witnessed. This was one juicy tidbit that he was planning to take with him to the grave.


	20. Everything In Its Place

**Ch 18: Everything in Its Place**

Only a day remained before the crew would arrive at the distant planet Starfleet assigned the Enterprise to investigate for their first mission. Kirk sat in his room, holding the data pad Spock had left days ago in his hands. He read and reread the poem Spock had written, hoping he could find some solace in their words. Sadly, the disconnected words meant little to him now; he'd much rather hear such tender words of love straight from the Vulcan's mouth.

Far too much had happened since they left the Earth, and it all made Kirk doubt once again whether what he and Spock had, or were attempting to have, was worth all the trouble. As glad as he was that McCoy and he had gotten back on friendly terms, he began wondering if McCoy was really the better choice of the two. There would be nothing to hide from McCoy, and there'd be no regret or guilt in their relationship either. McCoy had not only been free since the day they met, it was likely that the doctor had also loved him since then. Kirk wanted to deny it and blame it on the doctor's divorce, but he knew it wasn't so simple.

Try as hard as he did, he just couldn't think of the doctor as more than just a good friend. More than that, he was like a brother to him. The thought of being romantic with McCoy didn't sit well in his stomach and any pursuit of something more would only drive a wedge between them. He thought about what he could say to him to convey this without making him feel like he wasn't good enough, but nothing sounded right in his mind.

As if that weren't a large enough pill to swallow, he had Uhura to think about. He had already felt guilty enough for causing Spock to break up with her, but now he had the kiss she gave him to worry about too. It didn't matter that he didn't initiate it, what mattered was that he had set the whole thing up by inviting her into his room. If he had just let well enough alone, he wouldn't even be in this situation. He had spent so much time focusing on Spock's feelings for Uhura that he didn't even stop and think about his own.

There was no denying she was a remarkable woman, the epitome of beauty and brains. Truth be told, if he hadn't fallen in love with Spock, he would have looked for the opportunity to make Uhura his. She was the only person he could seriously consider being serious with besides Spock, and it bothered him. He thought to himself, _Is this the extent of my love? Only able to stay true if there's no temptation? Spock deserves better than that. Spock deserves better than me._

Thinking was only making him feel worse. Rising from his chair and placing the data pad back on the desk behind him, Kirk left his room and made his way to the mess hall. In situations like this, there was only one thing that could bring him any comfort, and he had an empty stomach just waiting to be filled with blueberries and ice cream.

* * *

The room was deadly quiet, save the slow breathing of the Vulcan that sat in the middle of it. Beads of sweat clung to his forehead as he struggled to bury his emotions deep. It was madding how difficult it was becoming to push his emotions down. Nothing he tried seemed to work anymore. Things were really starting to look bleak. Vulcans typically undertook _kolinahr, _the purge of all emotion, when they reached maturity, but Spock managed to avoid this due to his entrance into Starfleet. If he could not control his emotions on his own, he would have to go to the New Vulcan colony and go through the ceremony. If he did that, then everything he had come to feel about Kirk would be gone. _Kolinahr _was by and far the last reason he wanted to pay another visit to the Vulcan colony, but if things continued to go as they were, there'd be no avoiding it.

A knock at the door broke his concentration. He tried to submerge his irritation in vain. He stood up and opened the door, not caring who it was in his current mood. Standing behind the door when he opened it was the worst face he could see in his state.

"_Uhura,_" he growled. She winced at the sound of his voice, but held her ground. "Spock, can we talk?" Spock moved to close the door, but she placed her hands on either side of the door. "_Please?_"

He glared at her, but moved out of her way to allow her entrance into her room. She walked in, wringing her hands nervously. She didn't expect Spock to look so angry when she arrived, but she'd witnessed firsthand that even Vulcans have their limits. Silence hung heavily in the air, the tension so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it. She turned around and was startled by how close Spock was to her. His eyes were filled with multiple emotions, none of them positive. She bit her lip, knowing the trouble Spock was having was all her fault, but also knew there was little she could do to change it.

"I wanted to apologize to you for my outburst," she began. "I really shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have every right to love whoever it is you please, and I have no right to lash out at you, even if I don't agree with your choice." She looked at Spock, but he stared at her blankly, his eyes saying all she needed to hear. "If I could take what I did and said back, I would, but…"

"If you came here to beg for my friendship, you are wasting your time," Spock replied coldly. "As a Vulcan, I have no need for friends, especially those who take it upon themselves to go out of their way to do me harm." He walked back to the door and held it open for her. Uhura fought back tears, knowing she couldn't let things be this way.

"You can't tell me you've never been driven to act impulsively!" she cried. "You can't tell me that nothing has pushed you over the edge of your control, and made you act despicably! I couldn't deal with the fact that you loved Kirk more than me, okay? I still can't! But I don't want to lose you over it, you mean too much to me!"

Her words seemed to finally reach Spock, quelling some of the dark rage he barely kept inside. He let the door close and walked back up to her. He stood staring at her, judging the sincerity of her words, then began to speak. "I can forgive your rash actions. I can forgive you losing control of your emotions. What I _cannot_ forgive, is that you tried to use Jim to hurt me. I do not _care_ what your reasons were, and I do not _care _whether you were in the right to do what you did. You were the _last _person alive I ever thought would do what you did to me…"

He didn't realize it, but tears fell freely from his eyes. His voice caught in his throat, the pain blocking his ability to speak. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, and clenched his fists in shame for allowing himself to show such an immense amount of emotion. Warm, thin arms wrapped themselves around him and held him close. Memories of his mother's comforting embrace broke down the last of his already flimsy control. He sobbed loudly, unable to take it anymore. Everything was happening too much, too fast. He had nothing left in him to hold on to.

Uhura didn't bother trying to hold herself together. The two cried in the middle of the room together, their legs giving way and bringing them down to the floor. They let all their pain out; their sobs interrupted only by the occasional "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" from Uhura. This went on for ten minutes before they both finally recollected themselves.

Spock spoke in his usual calm tone, "I cannot forget so quickly what you have done, and I will not pretend that all is well for your sake. In time, I am sure I can come to look past your actions. But it would be unwise for you to assume or even to hope that time will come quickly." He paused and looked at Uhura, who wore a sad look on her face. She nodded, and said, "I understand. I hope I can regain your trust."

Uhura gave Spock a kiss on his forehead, then moved toward the door. Before she left, she said, "I wish the best of luck to you and Kirk. I just hope you know what you're doing." When the door closed, Spock called out to the silence, "I do."

* * *

Kirk scrapped the now empty plate for the last bit of crumbs from his blueberry cobbler. The sweet nostalgic taste of the cobbler couldn't lift his spirits, not even after four helpings of it. He plopped the plate on the small stack beside him and put his head on the table. He secretly wished he'd slip into a diabetic coma so that he could escape the misery that was his life, but knew that'd help about as much as his trip to the bar in Iowa had.

He felt a finger tap his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin. He spun around and came face to face with McCoy, who had returned to the mess hall to make a second attempt at having dinner. He flew out of his chair, knocking it over loudly. Fortunately, the mess hall was empty save the two of them, so there was no one around to stare at him like he was a weirdo.

McCoy pursed his lips. "I guess I can't blame you for reacting like that after what happened in sick bay." Kirk would've felt bad about the sad, lonely look McCoy gave him, only he was too busy putting distance between them. "Look, McCoy, I know you've got feelings for me and all, but I – I – I just don't feel the same way!" Kirk stuttered. "Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy, you really are! B-but I think you're just feeling really lonely right now, you know, with your divorce and leaving all your friends and family in Georgia behind for five years and everything! But seriously, I'm no good for you! I'd drive you to drink, more than you already do!"

McCoy rolled his eyes and shouted in his Southern drawl, "Aw, for Pete's sake, would ya shaddup already?!?" That shut Kirk up. Kirk knew that whenever McCoy got really angry, his Southern accent flared up, and at that moment, he didn't dare say another word. Finally getting an opportunity to speak, McCoy said, "Look, I came to tell ya that I'm sorry, alright? It wasn't right for me to snap at you for your weird taste in men and I shouldn't have tried to make you kiss me."

Kirk had finally stopped looking frantic and gave McCoy a look of relief. McCoy took this as a good sign and continued. "I'll admit I am a little…off…because of the divorce. But I've cared about you for a long time, and it bugs me that I'm losing to that green-blooded hobgoblin. I came first dammit, and if I knew I stood half a chance with you, I would have taken it long before he showed up!"

He sighed heavily. "Still, I don't want ya feeling like you can't even be in the same room with me without things getting all awkward. Hell, even if I gotta settle for just being your friend, I still want you around, ya know? As squirrely as you are, you're damn good company and you make me forget just how miserable I am. So whaddaya say, huh? Can we go back to being friends?"

McCoy stood with his arms open, offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to be hugged. Kirk couldn't help but smile as he bridged the gap between them and gave him an enthusiastic hug. The two men laughed, the heavy burdens of awkwardness and embarrassment now completely off their shoulders. They pulled apart and looked at each other, both reveling in the big grin the other wore. Taking a chance, McCoy dared to ask, "Would it be too much to ask for just one_, _small kiss?"

Kirk couldn't resist that darling look on McCoy's face. He smirked, and said, "Oh, alright. But only on the cheek!" He leaned in and was about to kiss McCoy's cheek, when McCoy quickly turned his head. Their lips met only for a moment, but it was long enough for McCoy. The grin on his face now twice as big, his cheeks turned rosy while Kirk's face began to glow red. McCoy ran out of the mess hall, laughing hysterically. Kirk followed in pursuit, yelling "You cheater!!!" as he ran.

* * *

Spock sat on the edge of his bed, tears slowly rolling down his smooth pale face. Kirk was nowhere to be found. He had checked his quarters, but didn't find him there. He wasn't on the bridge either. They hadn't been together since they left Earth, and their separation was hitting him hard. He had hoped that they could at least be able to engage in some friendly chess matches, but with his fervent meditations, he had little time to leave his room. Strangely enough, Kirk didn't bother seeking him out either. _Perhaps Uhura's threats of stealing Kirk away from me were more than idle threats, _he thought. His heart felt as though it were being shredded into pieces, pieces which sunk to the pit of his stomach. Was this what human misery was like? It was indeed a powerful emotion, one he wished he couldn't feel at all. After failing to negate his emotions for two days straight, he decided to simply give up on his attempts at meditating and instead allowed the human side of him to take over.

The music box Uhura had given him sat lightly in his hands, playing its little song over and over. As soon as the song ended, he'd crank it up again and let it play. He couldn't tell if the song eased his heart or worsened the pain, but it was all he had right now. The last little bit of his friendship with Uhura and the love of his mother sat in those pale, slender hands of his, and he didn't dare let go of it. Not now.

He wasn't used to singing and his voice was harsh and scratchy from all the crying he had done, but still, he sang the song as best he could. "_Goodnight, my angel / Time to close your eyes / And save these questions for another day / I think I know what you've been asking me / I think you know what I've been trying to say / I promised I would never leave you / And you should always know…_" He felt his throat close up before he could finish the words.

To his surprise a familiar voice sang the end of the stanza for him. _"Wherever you may go / No matter where you are / I never will be far away…_"

He raised his head and saw Kirk standing in his doorway, a sweet smile on his lips. "Billy Joel, a musical genius of the 20th century. That's one of his best songs, at least in my opinion." He walked up to Spock, the smile somehow giving him strength he had lost.

"Jim," he croaked. Kirk walked up to the Vulcan's bed and sat next to him. He pointed at the music box in his hands. "That's a rather nice music box you have. I don't remember seeing it in your room though…did you get it recently?" Spock nodded. "It was a gift from Uhura."

"Ah," Kirk said. He didn't really want to push the issue, but he was genuinely curious. "Is that her favorite song or something?" Spock stared down at the music box and said quietly, "My mother sung this song to me when I had trouble sleeping as a child. During shore leave, Uhura searched all over to find a music box that played this song…"

_Well, this is going well… _Kirk thought bitterly to himself. "It's a beautiful song. A good song to show just how much you love someone."

The two sat in silence, the events of the last two days whirling in their head. So much needed to be said, and yet both were too scared to say a word.

Spock broke the silence. "Jim…I'm afraid."

Kirk gave Spock a strange look. "Afraid of what?"

In a low voice, Spock replied, "Myself. I am losing control, Jim. I cannot control my emotions the way I used to anymore. I spend more and more time meditating, and I find myself gaining less and less control from it. There is something strange, something dark deep inside of me; I have felt it stir in me many times, mostly when I was a young boy. I feel it stirring more and more lately, like it is anxious to be set free, like it is refusing to be contained any longer. I am afraid of what I might do if I lose all control of myself…" He looked at Kirk, fear in his eyes. "I could wind up hurting you."

Kirk gulped. He had experienced some of Spock's uncontrolled strength – it was a force to be reckoned with and a frightful sight to see. The last thing he wanted to do was to be on the receiving end of that strength ever again, especially if it was every fully unleashed. "Is there another way to combat this dark force that's nullifying your mediation?"

Spock closed his eyes and turned away. "Only one. It is called _kolinahr_, a purge of emotions that allows a Vulcan to completely control all of their emotions permanently. It is a procedure that Vulcans typically undergo once they reach adulthood, but I was able to avoid the ceremony due to my enrollment into Starfleet. It is because I did not undergo _kolinahr _that I reacted so violently when you provoked me on the bridge. It is also the reason I was so susceptible to Uhura's advances after Vulcan was destroyed. And ultimately, it is what allowed me to fall in love with you." Spock grasped Kirk's hands with his own, his body heat soaking in to Kirk's skin. "My emotions have caused me to feel a great deal of pain and anger, but it has allowed me to experience the greatest thing ever – your love. It makes me realize just how deeply I loved my mother too. I do not want to give that up, but if I am to truly protect you and continue my role as Science Officer on the Enterprise, I will have to give up every single emotion left inside of me."

"No!" Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulders and shook him. "You can't just do a wipe on your emotions! There has to be some other way, some way where you can overcome that dark side of you and hold on to your emotions! You're not a computer with a virus, Spock! You're a living person! Humans have managed to overcome their darker side for decades! You're half-human! You can fight it!"

Fresh tears trickled down Spock's cheeks. "Jim," his voice broke as he tried to speak, "I don't think I can…"

Kirk pulled Spock close and held him in his arms. Spock was surprised to find the tears stopped flowing the moment Kirk wrapped his arms around him. Kirk whispered in Spock's ear, "You can do it Spock. I know you can. I'm here to help you. I won't ever leave your side."

It was so strange how words so simple seemed to empower him. Could this have been why his control had slipped so drastically? Because Kirk wasn't there by his side to reassure him when he needed him? How was it that this man, this simple human, was able to fill him with such confidence? Why did he suddenly feel as though he could face anything?

Kirk pulled Spock away from him so that he could wipe the tear-stained cheeks of his dearest love. "Come on Spock, Vulcans aren't supposed to cry like this." Spock struggled to find the words to say, but Kirk said them for him. "I know it's been pretty hard these last few days. We've both got our doubts and it seems like there's been plenty of things that have tried to pull us apart lately." He took Spock's chin in his hands and gave that dazzling, sincere smile of his. "But none of that matters. Whatever life throws at us, at the end of the day, we have each other to hold on to, and that's all we need to get through anything."

The strength Spock had gained only intensified with Kirk's profound words. He knew that these weren't hollow words spoken solely to lift his spirits. He could sense that they were words that came straight from his heart that he meant with all of his being. He tried to think logically about the situation, but found that he could no longer think; he could only feel. And he felt, for the first time in his life, happiness. Happiness at finally knowing love, happiness that he was no longer alone, and happiness that he had found someone who not only understood him, but accepted him as he was.

It suddenly became very clear to him what it was his mother had lived her life for: She had lived solely to make her son happy. It didn't matter what became of her, so long as he was safe and happy, she had everything she needed. He felt something in him lift and disappear. His brow furrowed, confused at this feeling. He somehow felt lighter, less burdened. Then it occurred to him what he was feeling. The guilt and regret he felt from the loss of his mother had lifted from him. He no longer felt any of the pain of losing her – he now only felt the warm feeling of her love. He felt it in his heart and all around him. His eyes filled with tears again, and Kirk embraced him once more. Without saying a word to him, he knew exactly what Spock felt and what he needed. He stroked Spock's hair, saying nothing at first. Spock sobbed as he clutched on to Kirk tightly. His sobs were the only thing that filled the air, until he heard Kirk sing.

"_Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to sleep / And still so many things I want to say / Remember all the songs you sang for me / When we went sailing on an emerald bay / And like a boat out on the ocean / I'm rocking you to sleep …" _Spock chimed in amidst his tears. "_The water's dark and deep / Inside this ancient heart / You'll always be a part of me…"_

The two took a moment to look at each other. Tears still clung to Spock's eyelashes, which Kirk wiped away with his hands. He smiled a little smile and said quietly, "Mind if I spend the night in your bunk?" Spock smiled a little smile in return and replied, "I could use the company."

They rose to their feet and removed their clothing. Once they were down to their Starfleet underwear, Spock turned the light in the room off and they crawled underneath the sheets. Kirk had his back toward the wall while Spock snuggled against his chest, facing the door. Kirk wiggled an arm from under the covers and resumed the lullaby, stroking Spock's hair as he sang softly. _"Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to dream / And dream how wonderful your life will be / Someday your child may cry / And if you sing this lullaby / Then in your heart / There will always be a part of me…"_

Kirk paused, then grinned when he heard the Vulcan snoring softly. Apparently he was wiped out from the emotional roller coaster he had gone on over the last few days. He couldn't blame him. All these emotions were not only new, but they were overwhelming to experience so quickly and in such abundance. He held the sleeping Spock close to him and finished the song before falling asleep himself. Little did he know that as he sang the end of the song, Spock heard his mother's voice sing along with him.

"_Someday we'll all be gone / But lullabies go on and on... / They never die / That's how you and I will be."_


	21. The Darkness Within

**Ch 19: The Darkness Within**

Spock was surprised to find himself in his old home. Everything was in the exact same place it was before he left for Starfleet. The few human touches that his mother insisted on decorating the house with, like the vase of flowers on the coffee table, the picture of his mother holding him after his birth, and even awards Spock had received as a boy, were all there. He moved over to a chair that sat in the living room and placed a hand on it. He felt the firm, taut fabric of it against his hand and stroked it fondly. There was no explanation for his being in a place that no longer existed, but he didn't care. It felt good to be home again.

From the kitchen walked Amanda Grayson, her hands still damp from washing the dishes. When she saw him, she halted her tracks and smiled at him. Unable to contain his disbelief, he gawked at his mother, amazed to see her alive and well. Amused by her son's blatant show of emotion, she laughed and walked over to him. Gently closing his mouth with her hand, she said, "Why honey, you look like you've seen a ghost!"

Eyes wide, Spock attempted to speak. "Mother…but you...how are you…why am I…" Amanda raised a finger and placed it gently on her son's lips, effectively stopping his uncontrollable babbling. She smiled radiantly at the son she had been parted from and said, "You should know why I'm here, Spock. If you think about it logically, there's no possible way this could really be happening. Vulcan was destroyed, and I along with it. You're dreaming sweetheart."

She removed her finger and was satisfied that her son remained quiet. Spock's heart beat irregularly as he saw his mother exactly as she was before she had died. It made sense that he was seeing her in a dream, but it boggled him that she had not come to visit him before now. Curious as to why this was so he asked her, "If this is a dream, then why did you not come to me before now? What has changed from the moment you died that has made you come now?"

"You're a bright boy Spock. I'm surprised you didn't figure it out on your own." Spock stared at her blankly. She sighed and realized that she'd actually have to explain things to her son. "I haven't come to visit you in your dreams until now because I wanted you to understand on your own that none of what happened was your fault. There was nothing you could do to save me, but that's okay. I died knowing that you had come to save me, and knowing that, I could never hate you or blame you for what happened."

Spock began to protest, but she swiftly cut him off. "I'll not have you trying to convince me otherwise. You had no way of knowing that the ground would give underneath me, and it would have tortured me for all eternity to know that you died trying to save me when you couldn't. I won't lie and say I prefer it this way. I would have been thankful if I could have lived, but the fact of the matter is that I died and that can't be undone. I want you to live your life and be happy."

"It was always my wish that you would fall in love with someone who cared about you, and I'm so happy you did. But you're trying to tell yourself that you don't deserve it and are trying to push it away." She placed a hand on his chest and looked up at him. "Don't. Don't be afraid of who and what you are and don't worry so much about things that don't really matter. James T. Kirk is a strong man, and will be able to withstand anything that the two of you go through so long as he has you." She smiled sadly. "How do you think I was able to deal with all the gossiping and the put-downs about our family? I was able to do it because I had both you and your father."

Spock's eyes grew moist, but he fought the tears back. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he spoke. "Mother…I am afraid. The things I am experiencing are extremely unfamiliar to me. I hurt Nyota and caused her to act in a manner that is totally unlike her. I have doubts about my relationship with Jim. What if he realizes that he would rather be with a woman than with me? What if what he feels is lust and not love? What if he sees me for who I really am and leaves me? I feel myself changing…"

"And that's fine," Amanda said reassuringly. "You're going to change. The Vulcan Academy may have taught you all about mathematics and physics and things like that, but being in Starfleet is teaching you about building relationships with other people. Of course you're going to make mistakes here and there, but you can't dwell on them. As for Kirk, he'll never leave you. His love for you is pure and true, and will withstand any temptations that are thrown at him. Both of you are learning about love together, and that's as it should be."

"But mother, the way in which I am changing worries me greatly," Spock said. "There is something inside of me that I am having trouble controlling. It is a dark rage that I do not understand. I fear that if I am unable to control it, I may hurt those closest to me."

Amanda sighed, still smiling at her son. There was so much about being human that her son didn't understand, and she couldn't help but wish she could physically be there with him to help him get through it all. Unfortunately, the best she could do was to visit him in his dreams and give him what words of wisdom she had available. "Sometimes," she explained, "its okay to lose control. You'll come to understand that in time. Don't fight what's inside of you Spock. Learn from it, and embrace it. Only then will you be able to overcome it."

Spock was about to retort when he noticed his surroundings were beginning to fade. He looked around frantically then made eye contact with his mother, who had also begun to fade. She hugged her son, who felt a tear slide down his face. His voice wavering as he held her close, he asked her, "Will I see you again?"

Still holding him tightly, she nodded against his shoulder. "Yes honey. You'll see me again." She released him and stepped back, her body barely visible. "I'll always be there with you in your heart, and when you need me most, I'll visit you in your dreams again." She gave him a final smile as she faded away.

The home he had grown up in faded to the stark whiteness of his subconscious. He hung his head sadly, wishing he could have gotten a moment longer to be with his mother. But her parting words comforted him. _I'll always be there with you in your heart, and when you need me most, I'll visit you in your dreams again._

Beneath his feet, an inky darkness rose up to meet his feet as he thought of his mother. It wrapped around his legs and held him tightly around his waist. Spock began to panic, slapping at the darkness. This proved to be a fatal move, as the darkness wrapped around his hands and stretched further upward, all the way around his neck. He pulled his head up, desperately trying to keep the darkness from swallowing him whole. Without warning the darkness pulled his body downward. The whiteness above him quickly disappeared as the darkness dragged him down. The evil laughter he had heard before began ringing in his ears.

Down, down, down he plummeted, fear gripping his throat even tighter than the darkness had. He looked down and saw a figure staring upward at him. His fall halted, bringing him face to face with a sinister looking man. The man looked exactly like him, save the distinguishing Vulcan facial features that were missing. His hair was longer and unkempt, his face unshaved and covered in short stubble, his eyebrows curving around his eyes instead of sharply angled toward his hairline. What caught Spock's attention the most were his ears. They were not pointed like his were; they were rounded, much like human ears.

The clothing he wore was immediately recognized as casual Terran attire: a black shirt, a black cloth jacket, dark denim jeans, and black shoes. It seemed this individual had a strong fondness for the color black. Even the individual's eyes looked black, deeper and darker than Spock's ever were. The man gave Spock a cruel smile that sent chills down his spine. He stepped closer to his captive and said in a deep voice, "Finally we meet, _Spock._"

The way the man said Spock's voice reminded him of Nero, but was infinitely more frightening in tone. Afraid to know the answer, Spock asked, "Who are you?" The cruel smile grew wider and the man took another step closer. His voice rumbling, he said, "You should know. I am _you._ But if it's a name you're looking for, you can call me Gabriel. If you had been born a human instead of the half-breed you are, its the name your mother would have given you."

Spock flinched at the man's words. Yet another reminder of the two worlds he didn't fully fit into had been thrown into his face, and this one stung. His mother would have named him Gabriel had he been human, which means she had wanted a human son all along…

Gabriel heard Spock's thoughts and laughed bitterly. "That's right Spock. You are the bastard child of two different races, and your mother never forgot it. _No one_ would let her forget it. She seduced your father into her bed and you are the result of it. Two centuries ago, you wouldn't have even lived past your first year of life, yet here you are now, the spawn of the most illogical combination of genes."

A vein in Spock's temple throbbed as he clenched his jaw in anger. He wanted to punch the smug looking man right in the mouth and ruin that wretched smile. Gabriel must have known this, which explained why he was currently wrapped in dark tendrils. No, Gabriel didn't want Spock to retaliate, he simply wanted him to squirm in anger, which he did, much to his delight.

"The most amusing thing about you," Gabriel continued, now circling around Spock like a buzzard, "is that despite how much you hate being bound by the emotional constraints of the Vulcan lifestyle, you cling to it. You embrace it. You abandon every last thing about you that is human because you don't want to be seen as weak." Gabriel stopped circling when he reached Spock's face and admired his now tense facial features. "Your reluctance to embrace your human side, your reluctance to embrace _me,_ makes me wonder if you really love your mother as much as you say you do. For that matter, it makes me wonder if you really love Jim..."

"Do not speak of him so casually," Spock spat angrily. "You have no right to address him so familiarly. You know _nothing _about how I feel about him."

Gabriel laughed, which only angered Spock further. "Who do you think you're talking to Spock? Did you not hear me when I said it earlier? I. Am. You. I hear everything you hear, see everything you see, feel…" he lifted a hand and stroked Spock's cheek. Spock violently whipped his head away, but could not escape Gabriel's hand, which grabbed his chin and snapped the head back to face him. Gabriel smiled wickedly and continued, "…everything you feel. The hugs your mother gave you, the kisses you shared with Uhura, Jim's warm mouth around you…I felt it all."

"And don't think for a moment that I'm just some strange version of you that just appeared recently. I've _always _been here. No matter how hard you've tried to keep me hidden, I've been here since the day you were born and I'll be here until the day you die. You can't get rid of me Spock, because without me you're _nothing._"

The tendrils wrapping around Spock loosened and released their hold on him. Spock stood solidly on his feet and watched as Gabriel turned his back on him and walked away. He took this as a chance to attack and lunged forward. To his surprise, his entire body froze inches away from where Gabriel stood. Gabriel turned to face Spock and smirked. "What, you thought you could attack me? Oh no Spock, just like you can't get rid of me, you can't hurt me either. I'm stronger than you now, and I think it's about time the rest of the crew became better acquainted with me, starting with Jim."

His laughter rang in Spock's ears even after he woke up from the dream. He sat up straight in the bed gasping for air. The sheets underneath him were completely soaked in a cold sweat. He was relieved to find himself back in his own room, but the dream still haunted him. Movement beside him caught his attention. There lay Kirk, still snoozing peacefully next to him. Apparently Kirk was a very heavy sleeper, or at least he was whenever he shared a bed with Spock.

Spock reached out his hand to touch the slumbering captain, and gently touched his face. The captain shifted slightly in his sleep, much to Spock's alarm, but did not wake. As he touched Kirk's face, he remembered that he and Uhura had kissed. He began to wonder what else had happened to the captain during their time apart. Normally, he'd simply wait until the opportunity came to talk to Kirk about it, but there was something different about the way Spock's mind was working. _Why should I wait until he awakes? _ Spock thought to himself darkly. _He's asleep, he'll never know if I just take a peak into his mind and find out for myself. That way, he won't have a chance to try and lie to me…_

Carefully he repositioned his fingers on Kirk's sleeping face to initiate a mind meld. He closed his eyes and entered the helpless captain's subconscious. The moment he did, he saw what it was that Kirk was dreaming about. Riding in a cherry red antique convertible, he rode down an old Iowa road, dust flying behind him and the sun shining above him. On his face was a huge smile as he blasted an old Terran song from the car's speakers. He sung along loudly as he roared down the road in his vehicle. Uninterested in what he saw, Spock dug past the part of his mind that played the dream and searched for memories of the very recent past.

Traveling backwards in time, he watched Kirk's life play in reverse. He saw him leaving Spock's room and walking through a hallway. He saw him enter the sick bay, speak with McCoy, and then running out of the sick bay in what appeared to be a pursuit of the doctor. _Why was he chasing Doctor McCoy down the halls? _Spock pondered. He watched as they returned to the mess hall and saw Kirk's lips touching McCoy's. Abruptly halting the flow of time, Spock stared at the two men, his blood boiling.

Slowly, he reversed the memory far enough back to watch Kirk enter the mess hall, eat four helpings of blueberry cobbler, and then be approached by McCoy. He watched and listened carefully to their conversation. He heard Kirk babble nervously and was unable to decipher what had happened prior to this encounter. Luckily, McCoy cleared things up when he spoke. _McCoy tried to kiss Kirk? Why would he do that? _His question was shortly answered. Rage seethed inside of him as he heard McCoy's confession.

_No…he can't have him! He's mine and mine alone! _He saw them hug and heard McCoy's request for a kiss. Knowing he couldn't change the events that had already transpired, he watched helplessly as Kirk attempted to kiss the older man on the cheek, then witnessed McCoy's swift movements of his head to cause Kirk's kiss to be planted on his lips instead.

It was as if a volcano had erupted inside of Spock. Molten hot fury flowed through Spock's veins as he terminated the mind meld. Flinging the covers away from him violently, he got out of bed and grabbed a clean uniform from his dresser. After quickly pulling his clothes and boots on, he strode to the door. He turned one last time to look at the man he loved as he slept then opened the door and left the room. He would deal with Kirk later…


	22. Hell Hath No Fury

**Ch 20: Hell Hath No Fury**

McCoy wasn't really the "early to bed, early to rise" kind of guy, but after being chased through the hall by Kirk, he felt it necessary to go to bed a little early the night before. However, he hadn't gone to bed nearly early enough to have his sleep disrupted at the equivalent of four in the morning Starfleet Regulated Time. A rather enthusiastic and vigorous knock at his door was the culprit. He squinted at the clock on his nightstand and groaned. Whoever it was that was knocking on his door at this time of night had better have a damned good reason for it or they were going to get an earful.

Throwing his sheets back angrily, he flew out of bed and opened the door. Staring back at him was the stony face of Spock. Either his brain was foggy or seeing Spock at his quarters at such an hour made no sense. What business could the Vulcan have with him to warrant such a visit? He decided to vocalize his thoughts in hopes his questions would be answered.

"Spock, what the hell are you doing knocking on my door this early in the morning? Don't you Vulcans ever sleep?"

Spock stared straight ahead, not making eye contact with McCoy. In his typical monotone voice, he said, "I have a matter of the utmost importance to discuss with you Doctor. May I come in?"

McCoy sighed and moved just enough to allow the Vulcan to enter his room. Rigidly, Spock walked past the doctor and stood in the middle of the room. McCoy turned around and let the door close behind him. Facing Spock's back, he took a couple steps closer to him. "Alright," he said, clearly agitated. "What's so damned important that it couldn't wait until a decent time of the day?"

In a whirl of motion that McCoy was barely able to see, Spock flung himself at the unsuspecting doctor and pinned him against the door behind him. McCoy's eyes widen as he felt the Vulcan's strength render him immobile no matter how he struggled to get away. Fear-stricken, he managed to say, "Spock! Have you lost your mind? What are you doing?"

"Educating you in the way of Vulcan rage," Spock said in a menacing tone. "You speak so much about how cold and unfeeling Vulcans are. I am about to teach you just how deep our emotions run." He placed a hand against McCoy's throat and squeezed. The air flow to McCoy's lungs was immediately cut off. His face turned red, then purple. Just as his eyes began to roll backward in his head, Spock released his throat.

Gasping for air, the color in McCoy's face slowly drained away. He stared at Spock, dumbfounded by his actions. His voice raspy, he asked, "Why…why are you attacking me?"

The menace in Spock's voice increased as he spoke in a low rumble, "Do not play stupid with me, Doctor. You know _exactly _why I am attacking you. I know your feelings for Jim and I know you made an advance at him."

The color in McCoy's face continued to drain away as he heard Spock's words. How did he know? Was Kirk really foolish enough to inform Spock about it? And even so, why would Spock react so violently? It wasn't as if he and Kirk had slept together. The Vulcan's slender hand grasped his throat again, this time significantly less tightly. Straining, he managed to say, "If you…know that…then you know…that Jim…rejected me. So…why…?"

McCoy was lifted off the ground by Spock, who tightened his hold on the man's neck. His eyes began to bulge as his face began to turn purple again. Clenching his teeth and wiggling his legs in an attempt to kick Spock, he clawed at the hand that held him steadfast against the door. He looked down at the enraged Vulcan and saw a look on his face he was sure he would see in his nightmares.

"So that you always remember that he belongs to me," Spock sneered. "You may have known him before he met me, but it is clear he has no romantic interest in you. I am aware that you think you are better than me for the simple fact that you wear your heart on your sleeve for all to see, but know this. Jim chose me over you despite that. Do not forget that my strength is three times yours, and thus I have the ability to crush you like a bug beneath my feet. If you _ever _try to convince him that you are the better choice of the two of us again, the Enterprise will need a new doctor."

Giving McCoy's throat a final squeeze, he flung the man across the room as effortlessly as if he had thrown a rag doll. The doctor slammed against the wall and fell in a crumpled heap on the floor. Barely conscious, he watched as Spock gave him a final look and left the room. If his eyes hadn't deceived him, he could have sworn he saw a smile on the Vulcan's face. Unable to believe what he had just seen and experienced, the world around him faded to black.

* * *

The door to Spock's room swished open, awakening the slumbering Kirk. Bleary eyed, he saw Spock stand before him with clothing in his arms. He gave him a sleepy smile and stretched in the bed. Spock silently admired the young captain's muscular chest and tried to ignore the sensation below his waist. In a calm, soothing voice, he said, "I am glad to see you finally awake. I took the liberty of bringing a clean change of clothes from your quarters. I do hope you do not mind that I entered without your permission."

Eyes closed, Kirk mumbled, "Of course I don't mind. Thanks for bringing me my clothes Spock." He opened his eyes and blinked rapidly to clear the sleep from them. Turning his head toward the Vulcan, he asked, "Did you sleep well?"

Spock's intent gaze on Kirk momentarily shifted away as snippets of his dream flashed before his eyes. Lying he said, "Yes, I did. I was surprisingly well rested after such a short rest, so I went for a bit of a walk. It was during that walk that I decided to retrieve your clothes." Part of him felt bad for not telling Kirk the truth, but when he thought about it, it really wasn't any of his business. He walked up to the bed and placed the clothes at the foot of the bed. Hands now free, he stroked Kirk's messy hair. "It is still early, but perhaps we should go to the bridge to see if we are almost at our destination."

Leaning against the warm hand of his beloved, Kirk nodded. He sat up in the bed and lovingly stared at Spock. Giving him a warm smile, he leaned forward and kissed him tenderly. Spock melted into the kiss and returned it fully. Kirk pressed his forehead against Spock and closed his eyes. It felt so good to just be himself with the Vulcan, and he hoped he was able to make Spock feel the same.

"Come Jim," Spock said softly. "Let's get you dressed." Reluctantly, he rose from the bed and handed Kirk the stack of clothes he had placed at the foot of the bed. Kirk sighed and took them from Spock. Jokingly, he said, "I take it you're not the type to cuddle much in the morning?" Spock rose from the bed and looked down at Kirk. "I'll wait for you outside Jim," he said, avoiding the question.

Kirk's eyes followed Spock's body as he left the room, his focus on the man's hips. To his dismay, Spock's hips didn't sway much when he walked, but the way the fabric clung to his cheeks was still a very delicious sight. As the door closed behind the Vulcan, Kirk recalled his dream from earlier that night. One minute he was driving in his dad's old antique convertible singing, the next he was watching his evening play in reverse and then forward again. He wasn't sure why he saw it, but he simply shrugged it off. The mind was a very strange thing that he didn't often try to understand.

He finally rose from the bed and began pulling on the articles of clothing that Spock had brought him. As his head poked through the hole at the top of his mustard-colored over shirt, he noticed the time. Four forty-three a.m. Spock hadn't been kidding when he said he hadn't gotten much sleep! No wonder he still felt so groggy! On a typical morning, Kirk would sleep until eight or nine o'clock. He took into consideration that he had gone to bed much earlier than usual the night before, but even then it was mighty early for him to be awake.

Kirk shook his head as he pulled on his pants. Something felt off about Spock being up so early, but he couldn't put his finger on it. During the shore leave, Spock typically woke up at around about an hour or so earlier than he did, so he wasn't surprised to see him up before him. It still didn't make sense that he would wake up this early though. Perhaps he was still feeling bad from the night before. It wouldn't be that unusual if that were the case.

He sat back down on the bed and pulled his boots on one at a time, tucking his pants leg into them before lacing them. He took a moment to observe Spock's room. He hadn't thought about it the night before, but this was his first time being in the Vulcan's room. Whenever they spent time together, it was normally in his quarters or in the recreation room or somewhere else in the ship. The room was significantly smaller than his, but more efficient in its space usage. No extra decorations adorned desktops or his night stand, no rugs or statues or clusters of items lay on his floor, and nothing hung from his walls. Not even the music box he received from Uhura sat out; Spock had placed it in his night stand. Everything in his room had an exact place and purpose, and despite its small size, energy flowed well throughout it. His feng shui skills were impeccable, but Kirk made a mental note to help Spock jazz things up a bit.

Fully dressed, he stood up and stared at the door but made no movement toward it. He debated whether or not he should try bringing up what happened with McCoy and Uhura. It seemed a bad idea to do so, since just last night the Vulcan had experienced somewhat of an emotional breakdown. But if he was going to be open and honest with Spock, he had every right to know about what happened, especially in regards to Uhura. Secrets between them would only create a rift between the two of them, which could be fatal so early in their relationship.

He took a deep breath and opened the door. Hearing the door open behind him, Spock turned to face Kirk, who smiled brightly at him. The captain looked down the hallway and was satisfied to see that they were the only ones there. It wasn't surprising considering how early they both were up. He grabbed the slightly taller man's shoulder and squeezed gently. "All ready. Let's go," he said.

The two walked in silence until they got to the elevator. Kirk pressed the button for the bridge as he entered and the two stood in the back of the elevator. As soon as the door closed, however, Spock reached forward and pressed the stop button. Confused, Kirk looked at Spock with furrowed brow. "Spock?" he asked. "What are-"

Kirk wasn't able to get another word out of his mouth as Spock's warm mouth pressed firmly against his. His tongue forced its way into Kirk's unsuspecting mouth and wriggled seductively. Kirk's mind instantly became a blank as he let his body be shoved against the back wall. Passion surged throughout Kirk's body and sent his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He closed his eyes and grabbed the back of the Vulcan's head, pressing his mouth harder against him.

The free hand that Spock didn't use to press Kirk against the wall roamed between Kirk's legs. As he expected, the front of his trousers sported a large bulge that throbbed against the palm of his hand. The warm touch of Spock's hand made Kirk's hips lurch forward involuntarily. He moaned against Spock's lips, which curled upwards in a smile. Kirk snaked an arm around Spock and grabbed his right butt cheek.

Spock moved his hand from the front of Kirk's trousers and pressed his entire body against the smaller man. He broke the kiss, gasping for air, and began kissing down Kirk's jaw line. Down he kissed until he reached the side of Kirk's neck, where he began to suckle. Kirk moaned softly as the delectable feeling of Spock's mouth lavishing his neck made him weak in the knees. The Vulcan supported his lover's weight easily as he continued to suck on Kirk's neck.

He gently began nibbling on the supple flesh that was already turning bright red from the vigorous sucking. Kirk's body bucked underneath him, his moans getting louder with each nip. Spock nibbled gradually harder and harder, digging his teeth into the sensitive flesh. The look of ecstasy on Kirk's face quickly turned to a look of pain. Breathlessly, he said, "Spock…not so hard…it…hurts…"

As Kirk said this, Spock bit down hard on Kirk's neck. He screamed in pain as the skin broke and fresh blood rose to the surface. Spock covered the wound with his mouth and licked it hungrily, enjoying the salty, coppery taste of the red human blood. He licked the wound until it clotted then pulled his face away from Kirk's neck. Seeing his own blood on the Vulcan's lips, Kirk looked at Spock in horror. The Vulcan licked his lips and smiled darkly at Kirk.

"Spock," Kirk said, fear and disbelief causing his voice to shake. "Why did you do that?"

"Why else? To mark you as mine," Spock said, as if what he did was the simplest action in the universe. Still smiling, he turned to the control panel and restarted the elevator. Facing the entrance, he added, "Forgive me for saying this, but I find your blood to have a rather inviting taste to it. I might partake of it again sometime."

Spock grinned evilly at the look of horror on Kirk's face as the elevator door opened in front of them. The blood still remaining in Kirk's body ran cold. He watched the Vulcan walk off of the elevator in utter astonishment. It seemed like Spock woke up on the crazy side of the bed this morning…

* * *

For the second time in the last few days, Azrael stared at the security screen with his mouth hanging open. He found himself very thankful that he was the only one that worked the night shift, because he was certain that if anyone else had witnessed what he just had, they would have gone screaming what they just saw down the halls like Chicken Little. At the same time, what he had just seen had disturbed him unlike anything else he had seen in his life.

It was no surprise that Azrael knew next to nothing about Vulcans. After all, he had signed up for Starfleet to become a security officer, not a xenolinguist or a medical attendant. The only thing he needed skill wise was a keen eye, swift reflexes, and strength; anything else took a back seat. But he began to wonder if Vulcans were not unlike the mythical creatures called vampires that were the subject of so many horror stories from Terran history. He made a mental note to stay as far away from Spock as possible in the event that he might take an interest in _his_ blood.

The swoosh of the door caused Azrael to almost jump out of his skin. Standing before him was his relief for his shift. Hand on his chest to steady his heartbeat, he silently rose out of his chair and walked out of the room. His relief gave him a strange look as he passed by, but simply shrugged and sat in the now vacant seat.


	23. Invasion of Privacy

**Ch 21: Invasion of Privacy**

The bridge was silent for the most part as Kirk and Spock walked out of the elevator. The only sounds they heard were their own footsteps and the familiar beeps and whirrs of the ship's machinery working. Kirk was still clutching his wounded neck, but Spock, as usual, looked as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. Having just switched out the night shift officers, Sulu and Chekov sat in their normal respective seats.

The two young men heard the footsteps behind them and simultaneously spun their chairs around to see who had entered the bridge. They acknowledged the Science Officer and their captain with a nod. "Good morning Mr. Spock, Captain. You two sure are up…" Sulu said, his eyes growing large as he noticed the large red mark on Kirk's neck. Chekov's eyes grew large as well when he looked at the captain and saw the same thing that Sulu did. Mouth open in shock, he exclaimed, "Ceepten! Your neck! What happened to your neck?!?"

Kirk's hand slapped back over the wound on his neck. He had a hunch that it looked bad from the pain that pulsated from it, but the horrified looks on Chekhov and Sulu's faces confirmed the worse. Before he could make up an excuse, Spock spoke up, "I bit the captain's neck while we were in the elevator."

Sulu and Chekhov looked at each other then back as Spock and Kirk, their eyes shifting quickly between the two. Even though they had heard the rumors, there had been nothing to confirm or deny what was said. Nothing, that is, until now. What was strange was that Spock, the more conservative of the two, was the one to willingly volunteer the information. Even more unusual was that he smiled as he said it.

Spock continued, "You see, I have suspicions that other people aboard the ship have their eyes on the captain and wish to pursue him romantically. However, I have already laid claim to him. Until now, that had not been openly established, but the mark on his neck will now make that abundantly clear to any and all who see him." He smiled and stared at the two helmsmen, whose attention was on Kirk, whose attention was on Spock. Spock seemed to be the only one of the four of them that saw nothing wrong with what he had done.

Kirk broke the uncomfortable silence and confronted the Vulcan. "Spock, didn't you tell me we were going to keep our relationship on a _professional _level when we're on duty?"

Spock looked at the blue-eyed captain, the smile still clinging to his lips. "I remember that conversation perfectly Jim," Spock said, feigning innocence. "If I am correct, we are currently not on duty, Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekhov are. Until we assume our posts aboard the bridge, we are technically still off duty, so any divulgence of information by me does not go against this agreement."

"Yeah, but I thought part of that agreement meant keeping our relationship between the two of us," Kirk said, clearly irritated at Spock's sudden irrational behavior. "What good does it do us if we just blab the fact that we're involved to whoever we want, simply because we're not on duty?"

An eyebrow rose on Spock's forehead. Still feigning innocence, Spock retorted, "An interesting question Jim. Perhaps I should ask you the same question, as you informed Doctor McCoy of our relationship as well." Kirk's eyes widened. How did Spock find out about that? Spock smirked at Kirk's surprise and continued, "In addition, due to the fact that you shared this information with Doctor McCoy, consequentially, Lieutenant Uhura _also_ found out. How she came to know is beyond me, but rest assured, it created a very awkward position for the both of us. So, if _you_ are not willing to keep our relationship secret, why should _I_?"

Kirk's eyes burned into Spock's, but Spock didn't betray any anger towards the captain. Instead, he continued to smile innocently at Kirk, ignoring the rage he saw. Sulu and Chekhov now felt very uncomfortable being in the same room as their fellow commanding officers. It was clear that this had turned into a full blown lover's quarrel that they had absolutely no part in. As Kirk and Spock locked eyes, Sulu and Chekhov politely and quickly tried to excuse themselves from the bridge.

"Gentlemen, where do you think you are going?" Spock said in an icy tone of voice which froze the retreating men in their tracks. When they turned to look at Spock, the genial look on his face was gone without a trace, as if it had never been there to begin with. The science officer took several steps toward the terrified men. "If my knowledge of the shift schedules is accurate your shifts begun seven minutes and forty-two seconds ago. You both should still be at your posts."

Gulping, the two nodded and quickly returned to their seats. In a much gentler tone than his companion, Kirk asked, "How long before we arrive at our destination?" Sulu checked the readings on his console, glad to avoid Spock's gaze. "Approximately four hours Captain."

Nodding, he said softly, "Thank you Mr. Sulu. Spock and I will leave you two to your posts. Carry on."

"Aye sir," the two men said in unison. Kirk began walking to the elevator, Spock following directly behind him. Again the elevator door closed behind them. Spock pressed the button for the floor that led to his quarters while Kirk selected the floor for sick bay. Spock noticed Kirk's selection and looked at him however Kirk turned his head away. He didn't want to make eye contact with Spock at that moment.

"Jim," Spock said, craning his neck to see Kirk's face. "Are you going to see Doctor McCoy?"

Kirk's jaw clenched in anger. "Yes, Spock, I'm going to see Bones." Spock's eye twitched at the sound of Kirk calling the doctor by the nickname only he used. Kirk ignored it. "I've got to get this bite mark on my neck bandaged up before anyone else can see it. It's not exactly good for crew morale to go around with something like this in plain sight."

The elevator door swooshed open as they arrived on the sick bay floor. Kirk began walking out of the elevator, but stopped in its doorway. He turned and said, "Oh, and by the way Spock? Just as an FYI for future reference? You're not a dog, and I'm not a tree. The next time you decide you need to 'mark your territory', you'll be spending the rest of the five year mission in the brig." He turned on his heel and walked down the corridor, letting the elevator door close behind him.

* * *

Chapel yawned loudly in the empty sick bay as she leaned over the medical table. She wasn't sure why she had to come in so late at night for her shift when most of her potential patients were dead asleep, but she was certain it had something to do with the discussion she had with Doctor McCoy in the mess hall. Since then, she had been assigned to the graveyard shift. Perhaps it was the doctor's way of keeping her away from him. After all, she had dragged a part of him out that he obviously didn't want anyone else to know about. What better way to keep it a secret than to make her work in the dead of night? It wasn't all bad though. Her job was easy since everyone aboard was in tip top shape, so as long as she could keep herself entertained, her shift would end and leave her to do whatever she wanted, which at the moment was to sleep.

To be honest, she really wanted to see the doctor. He made it a point not to talk to her unless absolutely necessary since their discussion and it bothered her. She really did want to get to know him, especially since she was his intern. But how was she supposed to get to know him, let alone learn how to be a doctor, when she wasn't even allowed to work beside him?

Her thoughts were cut off by the door opening. In walked Captain Kirk with a foul look on his face. She stood up straight, not wanting him to see that she was slacking so soon on the job when he looked like he was already in a bad mood. Spotting the horrible looking wound on his neck, she rushed to his side. "Oh my… Captain! What on Earth happened to you?"

"I'd rather not talk about it Nurse," Kirk responded curtly. "I just need it cleaned and bandaged immediately." Chapel nodded and rushed to get an antiseptic, some gauze, and a bandage. She returned to Kirk's side and gently tilted his head upward and away from the wound. "This is going to sting," she said as she sprayed the wound. Kirk groaned through gritted teeth as the antiseptic cleaned the wound and Chapel wiped it clean. Carefully, she placed the bandage over the large red spot and secured it.

Kirk looked down at the nurse and saw the worry in her face. His face softened into a smile. "Thank you Nurse," he said. "I appreciate it. Do you know when Doctor McCoy will be in? I need to speak with him." Something in her eyes told him she knew more about him and McCoy than he preferred. She gave him a knowing smile and replied, "It's still quite early Captain, so it's likely that the doctor is in his quarters asleep right now."

"Actually I'm far from it," came a raspy voice at the door. Both Chapel and Kirk turned to see who the newcomer was and were surprised to see Doctor McCoy. He clung to the doorway, breathing hard. They both ran to his side and carried him into the sick bay, unsure of why he was in the condition he was in.

The doctor was carried to one of the empty beds and carefully laid upon it. "Bones!" Kirk exclaimed, holding his friend's shoulders. "What in the hell happened to you? You look like you've been hit by a truck!"

McCoy's head lolled on the pillow, his head splitting. "Jesus Jim, could you try not to talk so loud? I've got a killer headache." Spotting the intense look of concern on both Kirk and Chapel's faces, he asked politely, "Nurse Chapel, could you please give me and Jim some time alone? I need to talk to him about something personal."

Chapel looked at McCoy, then looked at Kirk, and then looked at McCoy again. She nodded silently and left the room to allow the two men to speak to each other alone. After they were certain that she was gone, Kirk took a good look at McCoy. His eyes were drawn to some strange marks on the doctor's neck. He knitted his brow and looked closer. They looked like…finger marks?

"Jim," McCoy rasped, drawing Kirk's attention from his neck to his face. "He came for me. He came into my room…and choked me."

"Who?" Kirk asked, his voice barely over a whisper.

McCoy licked his dry lips, his chest heaving as he strained to breath despite his badly bruised neck. He answered, "Spock. He attacked me in my room. He…pinned me against a wall and choked me…said something about knowing about what happened between you and me, and snapped. He told me…that you belong to him…and that he'd kill me…if I ever tried to make you fall in love with me again." He grabbed Kirk's shirt and pulled him down closer to his face. Terror pulled his eyes open wide. "That madman threw me across my own room, Jim. He threw me…like I was a goddamn football. And he did it…because of you."

Kirk couldn't help but stare at his best friend incredulously. This didn't sound like Spock at all. Sure, he seemed a little possessive, but to go so far as to deliberately attack the ship's chief doctor? It didn't make sense! To quote him, it was illogical! Kirk shook his head. "How…how does he know about what happened? I never told him anything about you and me…hell, up until last night, I hadn't even seen him, and when I saw him, he was in a bad way!"

"You…you mean to tell me…that you didn't say anything to him…at all?" McCoy asked. "But that's impossible! If you didn't tell him…how did he…"

They stared at each other with wide eyes as it dawned on them. In any other case, an outside party would be the culprit for the information leak. McCoy would blame Chapel, except that he knew that she wouldn't have even known who Spock was as she hadn't officially met him yet. Even if she did know Spock, she had absolutely nothing to gain by telling him what she knew. The only possible way that Spock could have ever found out about something that no one told him about was to have performed a mind meld on either Kirk or McCoy. And considering Kirk had been the last person to see Spock before McCoy was attacked…

Kirk's blood boiled. He didn't appreciate the fact that Spock had mind melded with him without his permission. After his last experience with mind melds, he was extremely leery about participating in another one as it was. Even though he had never expressed this directly to Spock, he had been under the impression that a Vulcan_ never_ initiates a mind meld unless there is consent on both sides. Circumstances called for Spock Prime to do it without warning, but it didn't change the moral implications of what he did. To have Spock _willingly _do that to him for purely selfish reasons…

"Jim," McCoy said, his breath beginning to steady. "I don't know what's going on with Spock, but he's not himself. When I looked into his eyes, I didn't see Spock looking back at me. I saw someone else; someone corrupt, someone _evil. _There aren't many things that I'm afraid of, but when I looked into those eyes, I damned near pissed my pants. It's possible that he's not even aware of what he's doing. Don't ask me why I feel that way cuz I couldn't tell you if I tried, but it's just something I can sense."

The bewildered captain stared at his friend, unsure if he hadn't rattled his brain when Spock chunked him across his room. "Why are you defending him Bones?" he asked. "I thought you hated him?"

McCoy cut an eye at his friend. "I hate that he stole you away from me. I don't hate him_. Yet. _But if he ever lays a finger on you, that'll change quickly." His eyes finally met with the square bandage on Kirk's throat. His voice took on a dangerous tone. "Jim? What's that on your neck?"

After what he had just heard Bones say about hating Spock, he decided against telling him that Spock had suddenly taken a liking to his blood and bit his neck. Dodging his eyes, he said, "Uh, Spock and I got a little too friendly last night and he left me a really big hickey. I didn't think it was appropriate to walk around with a suck mark on my neck, so I had Chapel bandage me up to hide it."

He quickly stood up, ignoring the skeptical look on McCoy's face. Taking a deep breath, he said, "You need to get some rest. We'll be arriving at the planet in a few hours and we're going to need our chief doctor in case we run into something unexpected. I'm going to find Spock and ask him what's going on with him."

The doctor grimaced, not liking the fact that his reckless best friend was the one telling him to rest. It couldn't be helped though. Inevitably, Kirk _was _the captain, and unless it pertained to his health, he had the last word. He let his head fall back on the pillow and closed his eyes, following his captain's orders.

Kirk turned and left the sick bay. When he entered the hall, he saw Chapel standing across from him, worry clear on her face. He smiled at her, aware of the fact that the worry was directed at McCoy. He walked up to her and said, "I'm sure he'll be fine, but he's definitely going to need you keep an eye on him. We're gonna arrive at the planet in a few hours, so make sure he rests until it's time for us to leave."

Chapel nodded and said, "Aye Captain." She tried to walk past him, but he caught her arm, preventing her from entering the room. She looked at him in confusion and then surprise as he leaned in close. To her relief, he brought his lips within a few centimeters of her ear instead of directly on her lips or cheek. It was odd that she found this a relief; in any other situation, she'd hope and pray to have those soft lips touch her. He whispered, "If he asks, the mark on my neck is a hickey, nothing more, nothing less."

The moment he mentioned 'hickey', she figured out what really happened to his neck. She opened her mouth to say something, but he had already let go of her arm and begun walking down the hall. He walked a considerable distance before he turned back to her and winked. She blinked in surprise before giving him a warm smile. As he walked away, she rushed into sick bay to tend to the doctor.

* * *

Spock sat silently in his room, not meditating, but simply sitting and thinking. He sat in his desk chair, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped. The looks on Sulu and Chekhov's faces had expectedly shown surprise, but to a much lesser degree than he had anticipated. Somehow, it seemed they had discovered that he and Kirk were together before he had said anything. But who could have possibly leaked the information? He was certain that Uhura would never have spoken so easily about it with them, but it was possible that she had told one of her friends in confidentiality, who then told one of her friends, and so on until word got to Sulu and Chekhov. By that logic, the entire ship could already know about them. But that didn't seem like that was the case. McCoy wouldn't have shared the information with anyone either, as he was a very private man. Any and all personal information was held behind those tightly pressed lips of his. Kirk was only really close enough to McCoy to share the secret, so who did that leave?

Driven by his desire to seek out the man or woman who had learned about Kirk and Spock, he flew up from his chair and walked out of his room. It was still quite early in the day, but slowly the hallways were being more populated with crew members. He stalked down the hall, gaining strange looks from the few crew members that passed by him. He could care less how they looked at him. Only one thing mattered at that moment; find out who knew about him and Kirk.

As he strode down the hallway, he overheard a couple of female crew members gossiping.

"I'm serious, it's true!"  
"Yeah, sure, Uhura and Spock broke up. Why should I believe you?"  
"What, do you live under a rock? Azrael Andrews from security saw it during his night shift a few nights ago! Everyone's been talking about it!"

Spock stopped mid-stride and gaped at the two women. They saw him and immediately gasped in fright. Panicked that he had overheard them, they fled down the hall. He watched them run as he mulled over the name in his mind. _Azrael Andrews from security? Perhaps I should pay this Azrael a visit… _He gave a wicked smile and changed his destination to the security room.


	24. Trust

**Ch 22: Trust**

The ensign yawned loudly. He hated working the early morning shift, but it was a lot better than the graveyard shift Azrael worked before him. It was weird how enthusiastic Azrael was about working it; he couldn't understand what was so interesting about looking at the screens all night long. Maybe that wasn't the whole reason he liked the shift though. Night shift was the only shift that was completely unsupervised, so he could basically do whatever he wanted. He smiled at the thought of having the security room all to himself. He could think of a few girls he'd sneak in to enjoy the privacy and the thrill of getting caught…

The door slid open, scaring the ensign. In walked Commander Spock, arms behind his back and eyes focused. The ensign immediately relaxed when he saw the Vulcan officer, glad that it wasn't his superior. Daydreaming on the job was a severe enough offense to get his ears boxed and his ears still hurt from the last time. When he saw the look on Spock's face though, his relief quickly vanished.

Spock eyed the ensign, looking him up and down. The ensign blushed. He wasn't used to a guy looking so closely at him and it made him rather uncomfortable. "Uh, e-excuse me, Commander Spock?" he stuttered. He cleared his throat and tried to keep his voice steady. "Is there something I can help you with?"

The Vulcan stood up straighter than the ensign ever thought possible. In his typical formal voice, Spock asked, "Are you Azrael Andrews?"

The ensign furrowed his brow as he gave Spock a confused look. What did Spock want with Azrael? Spock was a science officer and Azrael worked in security. He may have been bored during his shift and hadn't exactly paid as much attention to the cameras and he should, but it was easy to see that the entire ship was peaceful, so there couldn't possibly be an emergency. Even if there was, why would he specifically ask for Azrael and not the chief security officer? When the ensign examined Spock, he noticed that his body language did not infer any kind of emergency either, though there was urgency in his calm voice. If there had been an emergency, even the stoic Mr. Spock would show some physical sign of distress.

Then the ensign remembered some of the gossip that had been flying around lately. Azrael had apparently eavesdropped on a rather heated discussion Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura had in one of the ship's rooms and was spreading the rumor that Spock had dumped Uhura for the captain. Since it was coming from Azrael, everyone knew it was true. Spock must have been looking for him to confront him about it.

He gulped and thought to himself, _If that's the reason Spock was looking for Azrael, Azrael was in some serious trouble!_ Even though what he said was the truth, purposefully spreading gossip involving the commanding officers of the ship, as well as abuse of his power as a security officer would at the very least land Azrael in the brig for a while. Quickly realizing that Spock would assume he was Azrael if he didn't speak up, he blurted, "No! No, I'm not Azrael! Azrael's shift ended about an hour ago! I'm his relief!"

The Vulcan's dark eyes drilled into him, examining his body language for any sign that he was lying. Satisfied that what he said was the truth, he interrogated the ensign. "What does Azrael do when his shift ends?" The ensign pulled at his collar, which was beginning to feel as if it were suffocating him. Swallowing hard, he said, "He…he goes to the recreation room for a while. W-when he's done there, he goes to his room."

Spock took a step closer to where the ensign sat. "Where is his room?" The ensign scooted himself back in the chair that was unfortunately riveted to the floor. He wished in vain that the chair was free to be pushed back so he could put more distance between him and the Vulcan. Again Spock asked, his voice icy, "_Where is his room?"_

"Floor eight!" the ensign said a little too loudly, the stress of the situation wracking his nerves. "From the elevator, he's in the fifth room on the right!" The Vulcan smiled at the ensign, which only served to scare him even more. His voice calm again, he said, "Thank you, Ensign. Good day."

Just as swiftly as he had entered the security room he left. The ensign exhaled loudly and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Most of the time he envied Azrael; he was handsome, strong, charismatic, and well liked. For the first time since they had met in the academy, he was glad he wasn't in his shoes.

* * *

Kirk fumed as he strode down the hallway. All around him people pressed themselves against the wall to make way for him. They were used to seeing Kirk smiling or at least in a friendly mood when he was off duty. Normally whenever he passed his crew members he'd occasionally wave or give a greeting. Today he had a look of hatred on his face that immediately told all around him to give him room. Whatever it was that had Kirk in a bad mood was bound to be epic in scope.

He arrived at Spock's quarters and pounded on the door. "SPOCK!" he yelled, causing some nearby crew members to flinch. From the tone of his voice it sounded like he was about to murder his First Officer. "OPEN THE DOOR _NOW!_"

Silence. Again he pounded the door. At this point people weren't even attempting to walk past him, afraid they'd get caught in whatever aftermath there would be from Kirk's anger. Still there was silence. He knew the Vulcan well enough to know that he wouldn't deliberately ignore him when he knocked on his door. If he had been inside, he would have answered the door in that damned annoying calm Vulcan manner of his and make Kirk feel like he was being irrational for behaving in such a way. No, the Vulcan wasn't in his room.

Whirling around, Kirk headed in the direction of the elevator, sending crew members scattering to give him a wide berth. When he reached the elevator he slammed the up button with his palm. Seconds later the elevator arrived on his floor. The ensign inside witnessed the angry face of his captain and yelped. As quickly as he could, he ran out of the elevator and down the hall, not bothering to look back.

Kirk was wholly unaware of the fiery look in his cold blue eyes. If he had been, it would have made sense to him why everyone was ducking and dodging him. He didn't care if they fled though. The only one that mattered at that moment was Spock, and if he had to scare half of the crew to find him, he would do it without remorse.

The elevator arrived at the bridge within seconds. Kirk barely let the elevator open fully before exiting it. On the bridge now were a couple more crew members, but most of the posts were still vacant. He didn't see Spock, which was all he needed to know. Whirling around before anyone could question him, he returned to the elevator and pressed the down button. As the elevator descended, Kirk thought to himself, _Dammit you green-blooded bastard…where the hell are you? _

Again Kirk walked off the elevator and stomped down the halls. The constant look of fear and surprise on the crew members he walked past only fueled his anger. It had gotten a little bit more than annoying to be treated like a charging bull, but he didn't realize just how intimidating he looked at that moment. His eyes were wide and focused, his jaw clenched, his hands balled up in tight fists that looked ready to punch anyone who came near him. If Kirk had seen himself coming, he would have dodged him too.

As Kirk stomped down the hall, he heard the velvety strains of a violin coming from the recreation room. He slowed his pace until he came to a full stop. Classical music wasn't really something that Kirk had an express interest in and after his failed attempt at teaching himself to play the violin he was slightly biased against it. However, as he heard the quick tempo song played by someone who was clearly a very skilled violinist, he felt his bloodlust wane. It became evident to Kirk that music really did soothe the savage beast as he felt himself begin to relax. His hands unclenched, his face slacked, his arms hung loose at his sides. Like a mouse lured by the Piped Piper, he followed the music to the recreation room.

When he entered the room, his heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. There in the corner of the room with a small crowd standing in front of him was Spock, playing the violin. His eyes were closed as he concentrated on the song he played from memory. Those who watched him had a dreamy look on their faces. The Vulcan looked completely engrossed in the activity and unless Kirk's eyes were deceiving him, he looked like he was…having _fun._

Spock finished the song with a flourish and received an enthusiastic round of applause. Kirk didn't applaud, but he couldn't help but give a half-smile at the Vulcan. Spock never ceased to amaze him in one way or another. Spock really was a rare treasure…

Kirk shook the sweet thoughts out of his head. No, he wasn't going to let Spock get away with this! He had no right to mind meld with him without asking, and he certainly had no right to bully McCoy! He had better have a damned good explanation for doing what he did, because if he didn't…

The Vulcan lowered the violin from his shoulder and gave a stiff, formal bow to his enraptured audience. He carefully placed the violin in its case and closed it. Placing it on the shelf with the other musical instruments, he turned to see Kirk standing in the back of the recreation room. He grinned, giving everyone around him a rare chance to see his beautiful white teeth. A few of the female officers batted their eyelashes at the Vulcan, but were unfortunately ignored. Spock had eyes for one person only, and he was in standing in the back of the room waiting for him.

He pushed past the crowd of people and made his way toward Kirk. His eyes never left Kirk's as he walked across the room. The fire in his eyes was visible even from the back of the room and only intensified the closer he got. Still smiling, he asked, "Did you enjoy my performance?"

The question threw Kirk off guard. Stuttering, he answered, "Wha…I…Yeah, it was really good. But that's not why I'm here." He grabbed the Vulcan's arm and looked at him with his fiery eyes. "You and I need to have a _serious _talk…"

Spock smiled innocently at Kirk, causing the butterflies in his stomach to flutter madly. His frustration only grew at his inability to stay focused on his anger. Why did he have to look so damned cute when he wanted to punch his face in? "Of course," he said, his voice as musical as the song that still played in Kirk's ears. "Your quarters or mine?"

"Yours," Kirk said after thinking for some time. While he preferred to have the home court advantage, if Spock decided he wanted to attack him, he'd rather be in a smaller environment for an easier getaway. The more ground there was to cover, the easier he could be recaptured if he attempted or needed to run. He pulled the Vulcan behind him and left the recreation room. He was hoping this talk would go better than he expected it to…

* * *

Bright lights blinded McCoy as he woke up. His neck still hurt like hell, but there was no fixing that. He tried sitting up, but a small, dainty hand gently pushed him down. Squinting, he saw Chapel's concerned face back at him. "Doctor, you shouldn't try sitting up just yet," she said. "You haven't been resting for very long and you're still weak."

"Nurse, I appreciate your concern, but I'm the ship's chief physician. I can't spend all day lying in bed like this." Again he tried sitting up and was shocked at how easily he was pushed back down. She pursed her lips and said, "Doctor if I'm able to push you down this easily then you need more rest!"

Blue eyes met with blue eyes as one tried to outstare the other. Eventually McCoy was the one to back down as he lay back down on the bed. He sighed in frustration as he stared straight up above him. "You haven't even been on the ship a week and you're already picking up on my persistence." He turned his head toward Chapel and gave her a weak smile. She blushed and smiled nervously in return.

* * *

"What is it you wish to talk to me about?" Spock asked, his hands clasped behind his back. He and Kirk stood in the center of his room; Spock was calm as always but Kirk's entire body was tense. Now that he had Spock alone, he was somewhat worried as to what would happen next. Spock had been surprising him at every turn since they woke up that morning and he was worried about what the next surprise would be. His fury outweighed his fear though. It was time he found out for sure if the Spock before him was really his Spock.

"What made you think mind melding with me while I was asleep was a good idea?" Kirk blurted out, not wanting to play around anymore. Spock's eyebrow rose, but he said nothing in response. Kirk continued, "If you wanted to ask me what I had happened during the time we were apart, I would have told you. I have no reason to hide anything to you. I'd tell you my life story if I had the time, that's how little I have to hide! But you couldn't ask, could you? You couldn't wait a few hours to find out what you wanted to know! You had to invade my privacy; you had to look inside my brain! You know how I feel about mind melds! I haven't felt right about them since Spock Prime forced all that information into my head, and you just made it where I'll never trust a Vulcan with my mind again!"

Kirk drew closer to Spock until their faces were inches away. "I may not have been in many relationships Spock, but I know that trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. By mind melding with me without even asking, you've showed me that you don't trust me, and I don't want to be in a relationship where there is no trust Spock. Not with you or anyone else. If I can't trust you to keep respect my mind and my feelings, what _can _I trust you with? My life? The safety of the crew?"

He stared at Spock, eyes moist with tears of hurt. "It's bad enough I had Uhura make a move on me when I tried to comfort her and my best friend try to convince me I should be with him instead of with you. It's bad enough that I'm still not sure we did the right thing by choosing to be together so soon after realizing our feelings. I needed you to be my strength, to be the one thing I could count on and be sure of, and you couldn't even do that."

Kirk shook his head as a tear fell down his cheek. "You invaded my privacy and read my mind without my permission, which goes against everything Vulcans believe in. You choked my best friend and flung him across the room. And on top of all of that, you _lied _to me about it all. Why would you do something like that Spock?"

"He was encroaching on what was mine," Spock stated. He said it as clearly and with as much emotion as though he were reading the ship's statistics. "I simply took measures to ensure that he didn't move in on my property in the future."

"_I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING PROPERTY!_" Kirk screamed, tears streaming down his face. Spock's jaw clenched as he stared at Kirk with his dark eyes. His voice shaking, Kirk whispered, "Dammit Spock, what's wrong with you? You're not acting like yourself!"

Spock moved forward, bridging the already small space between them. "What do you know about me?" he said, his voice dangerously low. "You think just because you spent a few days alone with me and got me into your bed that you know everything there is to know about me? _YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMNED THING ABOUT WHO I AM!_"

"Well maybe if you tried opening up to me I would!" Kirk countered. "But no, you keep closing up and shutting me out! You keep putting up barriers and wearing masks, so how am I supposed to know who you really are? If you don't try and help me to get to know you, why am I even wasting my time?"

Quicker than Kirk could see, Spock extended a hand and pushed the unsuspecting captain into the door behind him. Before he could react, Spock pinned Kirk against the door. Fear shined brightly in Kirk's eyes, suddenly aware that he was about to suffer the same fate his best friend had. Instead of pressing his hand against his lover's throat though, Spock pressed his mouth against Kirk's mouth. Kirk squirmed underneath Spock's hand, but was unable to get away. His tongue snaked its way his mouth. For the first time in his life, Kirk's tongue recoiled to the back of his throat. He had absolutely no desire to kiss this thing pretending to be the Spock he loved.

Another tear fell down Kirk's face as he thought, _Oh God, please, let something make him stop kissing me! _His prayer was promptly answered as Sulu's voice was heard. '_Commander Spock, do you read me?' _Spock reluctantly broke his forced kiss with Kirk and gasped for air. He turned to his desk and pressed the button on his telecom. "What is it Mr. Sulu? It better be good."

There was a momentary pause before Sulu spoke again. _'Commander, we're nearing the planet. We need the captain up here, but he didn't answer in his room. If he's with you, can you bring him with you to the bridge?' _Spock cut an eye at Kirk and smirked. "Of course Mr. Sulu," he said calmly. "We'll be up there shortly."

Spock ended the communication and stood up straight, smiling at Kirk. Kirk shuddered; the smile he had once thought to be so beautiful now looked so ugly. Without another word, he opened the door and quickly left the room. He ran down the hall and got into the elevator as soon as he could. As soon as the door closed before him, he pressed the stop button and began to cry. He pressed his head against the elevator door and slid down to the floor. One hand kept him stead while the other pounded the door as he sobbed.

McCoy was right and it broke his heart. Whoever or whatever it was that was in Spock at that moment wasn't the Spock he fell in love with. He didn't even know if the Spock he fell in love with was the real Spock anymore. Even if it wasn't though, he'd give anything to have that Spock back.


	25. Exploration

**Ch 23: Exploration**

Scotty yawned loudly as he stood behind the controls of the teleporter. Just when he had finally gotten to sleep, he had gotten a call summoning him to the transporter room, much to his dismay. Sleepy tears clung to his eyelashes as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He certainly hoped there were some incredible new life forms on this planet that were worth waking him up just to send people down.

The door to the transporter room opened and in walked two security officers. He didn't recognize the first one that walked in, but he immediately recognized Azrael as he walked in. Their eyes met in awkward recognition of each other and they both gave a short nod. Behind Azrael strode Spock, arms clasped behind his back as usual. Behind Spock came Kirk, whose red eyes and bandaged neck caught Scotty's attention. He pondered curiously what was wrong with the captain until he spotted McCoy. The eyes that had been half closed out of exhaustion opened wide when he saw the finger marks around McCoy's neck. Scotty remembered the conversation he heard between McCoy and Chapel and darted his eyes between the doctor and his captain. He put two and two together and created a rather vivid scenario in his head.

He pictured Kirk and McCoy standing face to face in sick bay yelling at each other. They were arguing over whether Kirk should be involved romantically with Spock or not. Kirk in an enraged delirium grabs McCoy by the neck and begins choking him. McCoy desperately tries to pull Kirk's hands off of his neck, but the adrenaline flowing through Kirk's veins has made him stronger than him. A hand gropes out and reaches for something, anything from the medical table behind him. His hand wraps around a scalpel and slashes at Kirk's neck. Immediately Kirk's hands release McCoy's throat and press against the wound on his. Realizing what he's done, McCoy switches back into doctor mode and quickly tends to the wound. They apologize and hug, crying.

"Mr. Scott!"

Scotty shakes the image out of his head and sees the five men standing on the teleporter pads waiting to be beamed down to the planet's surface. All of them had a look varying between irritation and confusion, except for Spock of course, who stared blankly at Scotty. Rapidly blinking his eyes to regain his focus, he apologized. "Sorry 'bout that. Guess mah mind was elsewhere."

"If you're with us now, do you think you could beam us down to the planet?" Kirk said, irritation dripping from his voice.

"Sure, of course," Scotty said, his face turning a soft pink. He made some adjustments on the control pad then initialized the transport. "Beaming ya down now."

Light whirled around the five men, and in seconds they had disappeared from the transporter room. Scotty sighed and lowered himself down into the chair that sat behind him. He put his arms on the teleporter controls and rested his head. It was going to be a while before they came back, so he took the opportunity to get some much needed rest.

* * *

The landing party rematerialized on the surface of the planet. There was green as far as the eye could see. Lush plants and trees with beautiful flowers and lush fruit filled the air with an intoxicating fragrance. An orange sun shined high above them, sending beams of orange light peaking through the tree leaves. Kirk was reminded of the rainforests back home that were once threatened to the point of eradication in the late 2000s. Thankfully mankind had caught on to their wasteful ways and made a massive movement to preserve and revive them.

They all pulled out their tricorders and began walking, looking at the beauty around them. Kirk said, "Alright guys, this place is pretty big, so we'll need to split up to cover more ground. Try to record anything out of the ordinary and use your communicators if you run into trouble. Lieutenant Azrael and Ensign Robert, you two form a team. McCoy and Spock, you're with me."

As Azrael and Robert set off into the wilderness, McCoy leaned close to Kirk and whispered in his ear, "Jim, are you mad? After what he did to me, don't you think that he should go with the security team instead of us?" By the time the search party had been announced, McCoy had barely gained enough strength to join it. Though he really could have used about another hour or two of rest, he wasn't comfortable with the idea of sending Chapel down in his place. To be honest, he wasn't comfortable with sending _anyone _down in his place, so he decided to suck it up and go anyway.

Kirk leaned over and whispered a reply. "If he's with us, we can both keep an eye on him. Besides, if we're both alone, he'll be suspicious. It's better if he's in our group."

"You _are _aware that I am able to hear you?" Spock asked. The color in Kirk and McCoy's face drained as they stared at the smirking Vulcan. "You two forget, Vulcans have much better hearing than humans do. Even if you whisper to each other, I can hear you as clearly as though you were speaking normally."

McCoy frowned at the Vulcan, but Kirk turned his head away. He couldn't bear to look at Spock at that moment. He secretly would have preferred to put him with the security officers as well, but knew the consequences of being apart from him while he worked with McCoy would only encourage him to do something even more devious than he had already done.

"Come on, let's start looking around," Kirk said, walking off into a random direction. McCoy and Spock shared a dark look with each other then followed.

* * *

Azrael swatted at the foliage that constantly dangled in front of his face as he walked. Nature was never his thing, and he was seriously hating every minute of this exploration mission. Meanwhile behind him, Robert seemed to be in heaven. "Wow, would you look at all this?" he said as he stared in awe at the massive plants around him. "This place is amazing! I've never seen so many beautiful flowers and such delicious looking fruit! And look at the size of these plants! They don't grow like this on Earth!"

Sighing heavily, Azrael said, "You know, this isn't a field trip Bob. We didn't come down here so we can 'ooh' and 'aah' at the scenery! We're looking for intelligent life, and just my luck, I didn't get partnered up with any."

He heard a rustle of leaves behind him and then a crunching sound. With cat like reflexes, Azrael grabbed his phaser and spun around, only to find that Robert had pulled a large yellow fruit from a nearby bush and was happily munching on it. He sprang forward and slapped the fruit out of Robert's hand. Robert looked down at the now dirty fruit that lay on the forest floor and said, "Hey man, I was eating that! What's the big idea?"

"What are you, a moron?!?" Azrael exclaimed. "You don't just pick up a random piece of fruit on a foreign planet and start chowing down on it! You're lucky Doctor McCoy wasn't in our group because he would have slapped _you _instead of the fruit! There's not telling if that fruit is poisonous or not, and you just took a giant bite out of it!"

Dejected, Robert pouted at his friend. "Well sorry! I didn't get to eat any breakfast today so I'm a little hungry! Besides, it looked normal enough so I figured it'd be safe to eat! You have the night shift so you can eat before your shift and be fine, but I got the morning shift and I don't get a chance to eat before I come in!" Azrael rolled his eyes at Robert and turned back around.

"You know, Spock came in this morning looking for you," Robert said as he followed Azrael through the foliage. "He didn't say why he was looking for you, but I'm willing to bet it has something to do with the rumors you've been spreading lately."

Azrael stopped suddenly, causing Robert to slam into his back. "Hey, don't stop so suddenly like that!" Robert said, thoroughly annoyed at having bumped into his companion. Azrael turned around, a look of horror on his face. "Spock was looking for _me?!?_" he said, his eyes wide and face pale.

"Yeah, like I said, he came in this morning looking for you. He even asked for you by name!" Robert started to get nervous; his friend's face was pure white and it had seemed like he had stopped breathing. "Hey, you alright? You were worrying about me eating a random fruit, but you're the one looking like he's been poisoned!"

Grabbing two fists full of Robert's uniform, Azrael rasped, "_He's going to kill me!_" Robert looked at him strangely and shook his head. "I don't think he'll go so far as to _kill _you, but I'm sure you'll wind up in the brig for slandering a commanding officer…"

"NO!" Azrael yelled, shaking his friend violently. "You don't understand! I saw him making out with Captain Kirk in the elevator before my shift ended! If he knows that I eavesdropped on him before, he'll know I've seen him! _HE'S! GOING! TO! __**KILL ME!**_" Azrael shook his poor friend with each of word of his last sentence. The poor ensign became dizzy from all the shaking and turned a light shade of green.

Satisfied that his friend had gotten the point, Azrael let go of Robert and let him wobble unsteadily on his feet. Panting, he said, "We've got to put as much distance between us and their group as possible. Come on, follow me." He turned back around and tromped through the foliage. Steadying himself, Robert began to follow.

"What's the big deal about seeing Kirk and Spock making out in the elevator?" Robert asked, oblivious to the gravity of the situation. "So they got a thing for each other, so what? They're grown men; they can do whatever they want! Hell, if it keeps us all from getting killed, so much the better right?"

Azrael yelled behind him without turning around to keep himself from bashing his friend's stupid head in. "That's not the _point _Robert! They weren't just making out in the elevator! You know that bandage on the captain's neck? That's not because of a hickey; Spock _bit _him and drank his blood!"

It was Robert's turn to stop in his tracks. "Wait, so what, you're trying to say that Spock is a vampire?!?"

Azrael stopped and held his head with his free hand. He wasn't sure how Robert had managed to make it into Starfleet. He probably would've made a better janitor somewhere with his intelligence, but his ability to fight made him _somewhat _useful as a security officer. Refusing to reply to his dimwitted friend, he continued on through the foliage, leaving Robert to try and catch up.

* * *

"Any signs of life?" Kirk asked his companions.

Spock and McCoy both looked down at their tricorders, which beeped and whirring quietly in their hands. McCoy shook his head as Spock spoke, "Negative Captain. It appears that aside from the abundant flora, this planet is completely devoid of life. However, given that it is difficult to explore when we are surrounded by foliage, perhaps if we could get to a high vantage point we could see if there are any villages in the distance."

"Even if there _are _villages here," McCoy added, "whatever life forms live here would have to live solely on the vegetation. That still doesn't explain the complete lack of fauna on the planet! There should at least be a bug or two crawling around somewhere, but I'm not picking any up! It doesn't make any sense!"

Kirk thought for a moment then spoke up. "Maybe this planet is still in its early stages. Back when Earth was young, life on the surface consisted solely of plant life while all the animal life lived in the water. Perhaps this planet isn't much different."

"It is also possible that intelligent life lives solely in the water and not on the planet's surface," Spock added. He gave an approving look at Kirk and smiled. "An astute conclusion, Captain. I am impressed."

The captain blushed despite himself. As angry as he still was, hearing Spock say he was impressed with him. McCoy rolled his eyes at the two of them and was about to distract himself when his tricorder started going crazy. He looked down at it and said, "Jim! I think I got a life reading! That theory of yours about animal life is about to be put to the test!"

McCoy headed off in the direction of the readings he was picking up, shortly followed by Kirk. Spock, however, did not follow. Instead he waited until they were out of sight and then used his tricorder to track where Azrael and Robert were. Finding their readings, he headed off in their direction. He had a bone to pick with Azrael…

* * *

The two security officers continued their tromp through the wilderness, both significantly less enthusiastic about the planet's surface beauty. The sun beat down on them, making their uniforms an uncomfortable death trap. The ground beneath them was riddled with roots and large plants that required them to constantly lift their feet as they walked, wearing them out twice as fast. Robert seemed to be in the worst shape of the two, sweating profusely and panting heavily.

"How…long do we…have to explore…this damned…planet?" he wheezed. Azrael, in hardly much better shape than his companion, replied, "Hell if I know…I guess until we find something…interesting enough to call them back."

Robert's pace began to slow. "I…don't feel…so hot…can…we rest?" Azrael stopped walking and turned back around. Breathing heavily, he said, "Sure, why not? I haven't picked up anything. I doubt walking anymore will help." He walked up to a tree and leaned against it to try and catch his breath. Robert hunched over and placed his hands on his knees, gasping for air. Azrael looked at him and chuckled weakly. "For a security officer, you seem kinda weak."

"Shut…up…" Robert spat. He was fully aware that he wasn't really cut out to be a security officer. In fact, he wasn't really even cut out to be in Starfleet. The only reasons he had joined were to make his family happy and to get chicks. Technically he had managed to make his family happy, but he felt confident he'd get in good enough shape to attract someone. With his current losing streak, it would probably have to be an Orion. They seemed the type to sleep with any male that lived and breathed, which already put him higher on their list than anyone else's.

Rustling came from their southwest. Despite his fatigue, Azrael quickly whipped out his phaser and pointed it at the source. Robert was considerably slower, but reacted fast enough where he could have gotten a shot in before being attacked. From the rustling leaves emerged Commander Spock, which proved to be a bigger fright than anything else they could have imagined at that time. They lowered their weapons and holstered them back in their utility belt as the Vulcan approached him.

"I did not mean to alarm you," Spock said as he reached earshot. "The Captain and Doctor McCoy seem to have found something, so I thought to gather you two up. That is of course unless you have found something as well?"

Nervously, Azrael answered, "No Commander, we've yet to find anything of interest other than the abundance of flora. Ensign Robert decided it would be a good idea to eat a piece of fruit from one of the plants, but beyond that, nothing of mention has happened." He eyed Spock carefully, not wanting to let his guard down for a second. His training as a security officer taught him to be weary even of familiar faces, as you never know what form the enemy would take. Spock may have been an ally, but he had heard about his uncontrolled outburst on the bridge against Kirk. If that rage was ever directed towards him…

"Well, if that is the case then we should make our way to the captain's and the doctor's location," Azrael relaxed a bit when he heard this, but still did not let his guard down. They all began walking in the direction Spock came when Spock spun around faster than Azrael could see and punched him in his face. Before he could counter, the Vulcan had grabbed him and thrown him at the tree he stood against just moments ago.

In his weakened state, Robert was not much help, but he somehow managed to put Spock in a headlock. Gaining a grip on the smaller man, Spock flipped the ensign over him and tossed him straight onto the ground. The moment the ensign hit the ground, the air in his lungs instantly vacated his body. With the annoying young man out of the way, Spock could focus on Azrael, at least until the ensign could recover. He marched over to the man who had just gotten back on his feet and kicked him squarely in the chest. He then clasped his hands together and brought them down on the hunched over lieutenant's back. Azrael dropped to the floor, but did not lose consciousness.

Spock bent down and picked the lieutenant up by his throat. Azrael clenched his jaw and strained to keep his throat open despite the Vulcan's death grip. Spock sneered at Azrael as his face slowly changed color. "Now you see the folly of abusing ones power. Your eyes have seen things they were never meant to see, and instead of doing the smart thing and keeping your trap shut, you babbled like a fool so that those you spied on would find out."

He gave Azrael's neck a squeeze, causing the man to let out a gurgle. Spock laughed and asked, "You believed that spreading word of your illicit voyeurisms would make you popular, but where has your gossiping led you now? You are held in the clutches of one of your own victims, about to have your life snuffed out. How does it feel?"

Just before Spock could crush Azrael's neck, he felt a stabbing pain in his neck, followed immediately with a sudden rush of fatigue and blurred vision. His grip on Azrael loosened and the lieutenant dropped to the ground. Spock tried to turn and see what had assaulted his neck, but found the world around him had already gone black.

Doctor McCoy stood over Spock with the sedative still in his hand. Behind him was a grim faced Kirk who lifted the now unconscious lieutenant from the forest floor. Leaving Spock, who was now completely harmless, he checked on the still body of Robert. Pressing a finger to the young ensign's neck, he froze in horror. Kirk looked at McCoy and asked, "How is he Bones?"

McCoy slowly turned and looked at Kirk. The moment their eyes met, Kirk already knew what he was about to hear. It didn't change the terrible nausea that ensued after he heard the three gravest words he had ever heard from his best friend's lips.

"He's dead, Jim."


	26. Emergency

**Ch 24: Emergency**

"Dead? What do you _mean _he's dead?"

McCoy rolled his eyes at Kirk. "What kind of question is that? He's _dead! _He's expired, he's croaked, he's kicked the bucket, he's no longer with us…I can go on, but I think you get the point."

Kirk shook his head. How could Robert be dead? "What's the cause?" He took a look at Azrael and swallowed hard. "Spock didn't…he didn't _kill _him, did he?!?"

McCoy shook his head. "It's hard to say. I don't see any signs of trauma, but that doesn't mean much. If Spock killed him, there could be internal damage or some kind of marks underneath his clothing. We'll have to get him into sick bay and perform a scan to be certain." He looked at Kirk, sad to see the worry on his face. "If Spock _has _killed him though, I don't think I need to tell you what that means…"

The captain closed his eyes. He really didn't want to think about the consequences of his First Officer killing a crew member. Wounding a crew member to the extent he had to Azrael didn't bode well, but if he really had killed Robert, their relationship issues would be the least of their problems.

Opening his eyes, Kirk pulled out his communicator. "Scotty! We've got a medical emergency! We need the medical team and the security team sent to the transporter room! Once they're there, beam us up!"

* * *

Uhura walked into the transporter room and spotted the sleeping Scotsman. She had been walking down the hall when she heard his loud snores and was drawn to him. There he sat at the console, his head resting on his arms and his mouth hanging open. At the corner of his mouth was a small puddle of drool that soaked into his sleeve. She crossed her arms and shook her head, smirking. It wasn't very professional to sleep on the job, but Scotty had been working really hard the last few days, so she let him rest.

Her mother would always tell her that even if she and her siblings were little monsters when they were awake, once they fell asleep they turned back into little angels. Staring at the usually very lively, very peculiar Mr. Scott as he slept, she finally understood what her mother meant. Embraced in the serenity of sleep, Scotty's facial features softened, his eyelashes gently pressed against his rose colored cheeks.

Without realizing it, she had drawn closer to him and was bent over him. She couldn't explain it, but she had a sudden desire to kiss him on the cheek. Just as her lips came within centimeters within the cherub-like cheek, a transmission came in from Kirk.

_Scotty! We've got a medical emergency! We need the medical team and the security team sent to the transporter room! Once they're there, beam us up!_

Uhura flew up just in time to avoid her head colliding with Scotty's as it flung upward. He looked around frantically as he tried to get his brain to work again. He spotted Uhura and gave her a confused look. He didn't remember her being there when he fell asleep…

He shook his head and began to focus on the task at hand. Since she was here, she could alert the medical team while he alerted the security team. "Uhura!" he shouted. "Go get the medical team an' bring 'em here! Hurry!"

She nodded stiffly in acknowledgment and flew out of the transporter room, her long legs springing her forward in a graceful movement that reminded Scotty of a bounding gazelle. Pushing the thought of Uhura's lovely legs out of his head, he pressed the intercom on the console and screamed into it. "Security team, get ta tha transporter room immediately!"

Even though Kirk had instructed him to wait before beaming them up, his instincts told him it was better to get them back up now and deal with whatever comes up afterward. His hands moved to the controls and got a lock on the five crew members. It was easier than usual to lock in on them because they were standing together in a giant mass instead of separately. Scotty's eyebrows knitted as he wondered why they were so close together and began to think the worse.

He pushed the slider up on the console and watched as they slowly began to rematerialize on the transporter pads. Only Kirk and McCoy stood on their own two feet. Kirk held up Spock and Azrael on either side of him; McCoy held Robert in his arms like a groom would hold his bride. It was worse that Scotty had imagined. Both of the security officers _and _Commander Spock were injured.

Surveying the mostly empty transporter room, Kirk snapped at Scotty, "I thought I told you to beam us up _after _the teams had arrived!" Flustered, Scotty replied, "Well when ya asked ta have both the medical team _and _security team here, ya spooked me! And by tha look o' things, it was more important ta get ya all up here than ta wait fer 'em!"

Uhura and the medical team arrived as Scotty finished his sentence, quickly followed by the security team. As soon as Kirk saw them, Kirk shouted, "Medical team, get Azrael to sick bay! Security team, take Spock to the brig!" Everyone in the room, including Scotty, stared at Kirk in disbelief. One of the security officers asked, "Put Spock in the brig? But…why? He's injured!"

Kirk shook his head. "No, he's not injured; he's sedated. Doctor McCoy had to use a sedation hypo on him because he attacked Azrael." A few gasps were heard from various officers. Uhura glared at Kirk. "Are you _sure?"_

"Of _course _I'm sure, I was there!" Kirk screamed. He didn't have the patience to deal with Uhura's attitude at that moment. A medical officer meekly asked, "What about Ensign Robert sir?"

McCoy and Kirk shared a solemn look. Taking a deep breath, McCoy said, "He's dead." This time everyone in the room gasped. McCoy continued, "We aren't certain at this time what the cause of death is, but right now it's likely that Spock may have killed him."

"NO!" Uhura screamed. "I don't believe it! Spock would _never _kill someone, especially not a member of his own crew!"

Kirk glared at Uhura, earning an equally violent glare in response. Fiery blue eyes were pitted against brooding dark chocolate eyes. No one in the room moved or even dared to breathe. McCoy broke the silence, shouting, "For God's sake, you can all ponder the issue later! Get Azrael and Robert to sick bay and lock up Spock!" Everyone besides Uhura snapped out of their trance and began moving. Two medical officers carefully took Azrael from Kirk's left shoulder and began carrying him to sick bay. One of the stronger security officers took Robert's body and followed them. The remaining two security officers took the unconscious Spock and carried him to the brig. Scotty, knowing that his job in the transporter room was done, left the room. Giving one final look at Uhura and Kirk, McCoy shook his head and left the room to assist his medical team.

Now alone in the room, Uhura took a few steps closer to Kirk. Raising a slender hand, she slapped Kirk across the face. The look she received in response would have sent any other woman running, but not Uhura. She was fueled by contained rage and contempt for the blond-haired captain, and it was about time she let it out.

"Who the _hell_ do you think you are?" she rumbled. "You steal Spock away from me, you lure me into your room and seduce me, and _now _you're throwing Spock into the brig? What the hell is going on in that empty head of yours?!?"

"You know, if you were anyone else, I'd be throwing _you _in the brig for insubordination!" Kirk screamed. "First of all, I didn't_ steal _Spock away from you, okay? He came to _me _and told me he loved me. I didn't seduce him, I didn't convince him you were a bad match for him, I didn't do _anything_ except for accept him for who he was, which is more than you've done might I add. Secondly, I didn't _lure _you into my room and I sure as hell didn't _seduce _you! You're getting your facts all screwed up because you don't want to admit that you voluntarily _kissed me!_ And third, you didn't see Spock almost _kill_ Azrael, so don't try and tell me I'm wrong for locking him up!"

Uhura's jaw clenched as Kirk spoke to her, but she was not at a loss for words. Before she could open her mouth though, Kirk continued his rant. "I don't know when you got it in your head that I don't know shit, but let me tell you something. I don't appreciate you getting in my face and questioning my decisions, and I sure as hell don't care for you acting like the victim because Spock dumped you!"

"I _am _the victim here Jim!" she shouted. "I leave for two weeks, _two weeks, _and in that time you manage to disillusion Spock into thinking you're better for him than I am!"

Kirk had lost it. He had a dead ensign whose family he'd have to notify, a badly injured lieutenant who could be near death himself, and a first officer under arrest and possibly insane. Romance drama was the last thing on his to do list, and he certainly didn't want to deal with Uhura's sulking.

"I did _nothing! _Okay? I come back from Iowa and find him sitting in my room! Next thing I know he's got me backed into a corner and is forcing his tongue down my throat! Then I find _poetry that he wrote about me! _All I did was come back early from my shore leave. That was _all _I did! Anything having to do with how he feels about you came straight from him, _not me! _So instead of trying to use me as a scapegoat, why don't you just come to terms with the fact that Spock didn't want to have a relationship with you to begin with and _get the fuck off of my back?!?_"

Uhura staggered back as Kirk towered over her. However, as she moved back, Kirk followed. He was _far_ from done with Uhura. No, he had _much _more to get off of his chest. "Now, I'll admit, it was pretty stupid of me to offer comfort to the girl whose boyfriend dumped her for me. Yeah, that was a bad choice on my part. But that doesn't change the fact that _you_ were the one who kissed _me. _That was a choice you made all on your own, so don't give me that load of seduction _bullshit. _I don't really care if you refuse to be held accountable for your actions, but I'm not going to tolerate you putting all the blame on _me_!"

Uhura's back hit the wall of the transporter room, making it painfully obvious that she had run out of room to retreat. She regretted even bringing anything up to him, but it was too late for her regrets. Kirk was _pissed. _Slamming his hands on the wall on the sides of Uhura's head, he lowered his voice. To her surprise, it was shaky and unsteady.

"Right now, the man I love is sitting in the brig. The man he pulverized is probably barely clinging to life as we speak. Another man is dead and I have no way of knowing if it's Spock's fault or not. Even if Spock didn't kill him, I can't just ignore the fact that he deliberately assaulted a crew member. The only thing that I think can save him from a court marshal is proving that he's insane, and I think the argument for that will be sounder than I'd like."

"Early this morning, Spock forcefully mind melded with me. He found out that McCoy is in love with me and he went after him. He…he choked him and flung him across the room." Uhura's eyes widened when she heard Kirk's words. She had thought she had seen strange marks on McCoy's neck; it surprised her to find out they were not only finger marks, but finger marks made by Spock. Eyes now very moist, Kirk pulled the bandage on his neck off. Uhura gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. The bite mark Kirk revealed from underneath the bandage was now swollen and puffy. The wound glowed a dark red against Kirk's tan skin. "You see this? He gave this to me this morning in the elevator, and it wasn't because he was over enthusiastic. He did this on purpose to _mark _me."

He covered the wound back up and stared at Uhura, whose eyes sparkled with tears yet to fall. Holding his own tears back, Kirk said, "I have no idea if the Vulcan in the brig right now is really Spock or someone else, but when you find yourself becoming jealous over the fact that Spock and I are in a relationship, remember what he did to me and ask yourself if you'd be able to deal with it half as well as I have."

Moving his hands away from the wall, he left the room before his tears could fall. Left alone, Uhura leaned back against the wall and began to cry. It seemed all she did nowadays was cry. She hoped that would eventually change.

* * *

McCoy stood over Azrael's body, monitoring his vitals. They were dangerously low, but it was still possible for him to pull through. Each slow, shallow breath put him on edge as he worried if the next one was going to be the last. He had done all he could, the rest was up to Azrael. McCoy shook his head slowly. He didn't know Azrael personally, but as he did with all his patients, he felt a bond with him. The man's life hung in the balance and relied on his expertise to avoid being snuffed out. Though they had just met a couple of hours ago, he found himself hell bound and determined to do all he could to keep him alive.

The door opened behind him, drawing his attention away from his patient. He saw Kirk, but didn't take a single step away from Azrael's side. Kirk's eyes moved from McCoy down to Azrael's motionless body. Standing next to McCoy, he asked softly, "How's he doing?"

"Not good," McCoy replied. "He had a lot of internal bleeding from Spock's blows and his spine was cracked, as well as a few ribs. He'll be lucky if he'll be able to walk when he wakes up..._if _he wakes up. Breathing is his biggest obstacle right now. If the cracked ribs weren't bad enough, Spock used damned near his whole strength to choke him. If I hadn't sedated him when I had, his neck would have been crushed. Tonight is going to be the real determination of whether he pulls through or not. I've done all I can medically; now we just have to see if he has the will to live."

Kirk sighed heavily. He felt guilty for what had happened to Azrael; the life form reading on McCoy's tricorder had completely taken his attention off of Spock, defeating the entire purpose of keeping him in their group. Sadly his theory of the planet being similar to early Earth was correct and all the life in the water was barely in a multi-cellular form. It would be centuries before they could see any real evolution of the life forms. The plant life could be more closely researched by the botanists he arranged to have sent down to the planet though. Perhaps they'd find some rare plant Starfleet hadn't discovered, maybe find some medicinal herbs or safe to eat vegetation.

That reminded Kirk of Robert. "Were you able to determine the cause of death for Robert?" he asked. McCoy nodded and brought Kirk to the side of the room where Robert's body lay on a medical table. His skin had turned a strange bluish green tint, something that Kirk recognized to be extremely unusual. McCoy's analysis confirmed his suspicions. "I did a full scan on his body and found no physical damage other than some bruising on his back. However, that was not the cause of death, though it did aggravate his condition. Coursing through his veins was a highly potent toxin that spread from his stomach. It seems the ensign ingested something that grew on the planet that was extremely poisonous."

"So you're telling me he died from eating some poisonous fruit?" Kirk asked. McCoy nodded. Kirk shook his head in disbelief. "How could he have made such a stupid mistake like eating unidentified food? Jeez, you don't even need to be _trained _about that! That should be common sense!"

Regardless of the ensign's horrible taste in food, Kirk was happy to know that Spock hadn't killed the misfortunate ensign. That at least made his job a little easier. It was going to be difficult to find a tasteful way of telling his family that their son had stupidly chosen to eat a foreign fruit from a previously unexplored planet, but it was a lot less difficult than saying his First Officer had beaten him to a bloody pulp. He found himself hoping even more that Azrael made a full recovery so that he wouldn't have to send that notice to _his _family.

"So," McCoy said, snapping his friend out of his thoughts. "Now that we know for certain that Spock can't be labeled as a killer just yet, what are you going to do?"

Kirk took a moment to think then said, "I'm going to visit him in the brig. The sedative should have worn off by now. I'm going to talk to him and see what's going on with him. I don't know what I expect to find, but depending on what I hear and see, I'll be able to make a more educated decision. I think you're right – I don't think that we're seeing the real Spock right now, but I want to be sure before I take any further steps."

"What are you going to do if you're right though?" McCoy asked. "If you weren't able to snap him out of it by now, he might be beyond your reach."

Kirk looked at his friend and placed a hand firmly on his shoulder. "If I can't snap him out of it, I know who can. After all, who knows you better than yourself?" He removed his hand and walked out of sick bay. McCoy pondered what Kirk could mean by that before following after him.


	27. Call for Help

**Ch 25: Cry for Help**

Spock's body fell to the ground. It had seemed like centuries since he had last moved. Raising his head up from where he lay, he saw Gabriel unconscious feet away from him. Now was his chance! While his darker self was incapacitated, he could rally the help of his lighter self and hopefully push him back down again! He concentrated as hard as he could and heard his voice both inside his own head and all around him.

_I do not know how it happened, but Gabriel has lost control! If you can hear me, please answer!_

His lighter self spoke, though very weakly. _Well done Spock. However, I am far too weak to be of assistance to you. Gabriel has overpowered me as well and I fear it is not so easy for me to recover. I am afraid this is a battle you will have to fight alone. You must find it within yourself to regain control._

_No, I cannot! _Spock's voice was filled with fear. _I cannot handle him on my own! If you are not able to assist me while he is unconscious then all is lost as soon as he recovers!_

"Spock?"

He heard a voice he had not truly heard in a long time. His heart lifted as he realized that Kirk was there with him. _Kirk! It's Kirk! If he is here then perhaps I can find the strength to overcome Gabriel! _He concentrated once more and felt himself rise out of his subconscious. When he opened his eyes, he found himself sitting in the brig. Surprised, he looked around him to be certain he wasn't dreaming. No, he really was in the brig. But why?

Spock turned his head and saw Kirks face for the first time in so long. He felt himself smile in spite of his current predicament. Unfortunately, his t'hy'la did not return the smile. Rising from his place on the floor, he placed his hands on the invisible barrier that divided the brig from the hall. Still smiling, he said, Jim, it is so good to see you again. It feels like it has been an eternity since we last saw each other.

Kirk gave Spock a weird look. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "You just saw me on the planet!" The smile on Spock's face quickly vanished. "The planet? You mean we've already arrived at and explored the planet?"

"Yeeeah", Kirk said, now utterly confused. "Spock, you're not telling me that you remember absolutely nothing about what happened on the planet, are you?"

Spock now gave Kirk a weird look to match the one he saw. "Jim, the last thing I remember doing was falling asleep in your arms last night. I have had absolutely no control of my body since then." He looked at Kirks horrified face and feared the worst. He then spotted the bandage on his neck and asked, "How did you hurt your neck? What happened?"

Kirk was now at a complete lost for words. There was no way that Spock could not remember _anything _that had happened in the last six hours! He had done such crazy and drastic things that no one could ever just forget without a memory erasure! His theory was swiftly being confirmed the longer he talked with Spock. He came closer to the invisible barrier between them and removed his bandage, revealing his wound. Spock gasped softly at the sight of it. "Were you injured during the exploration?"

"No Spock," Kirk said, swallowing the hard knot that was in his throat. He couldn't believe that Spock really had no recollection of any that had happened that day. "You…you bit my neck in the elevator while we were going to the bridge this morning. You did this to me. You also mind melded with me while I slept."

Spock's already pale skin grew paler. He slowly shook his head, unable to conceive the fact that he had not only inflicted such a wound on his beloved, but have violated one of the greatest laws of his people. His hands pressed hard against the invisible barrier. "No…it cannot be. I would never force a mind meld on you or anyone, especially when you are in such a vulnerable state and unable to give consent if you wanted to. And I would never hurt you…not after what I did to you before. You know that…"

Kirk sighed sadly. "It's not just me that you hurt Spock. You also attacked Doctor McCoy in his quarters earlier this morning and critically wounded Lieutenant Azrael Andrews while we were exploring the planet together. You snuck away from Doctor McCoy and I and attacked him. If McCoy didn't have his hypo with him, you would have killed him."

"Why would I do that?" Spock asked, completely baffled. "I do not even know who this Lieutenant Azrael Andrews is…" He dropped his head and closed his eyes. The hands that lay flat on the barrier balled up into fists. His whole body shook as he struggled to hold in his sadness, but the tears fell from his eyes anyway. A choked sob escaped his lips, sending a dagger through Kirk's heart. That was the proof he needed. The fact that Spock wasn't even aware of what he had done told him that something was going on beneath the surface that no one else could see.

"Spock," Kirk breathed. He placed his palms over Spock's balled fists on his side of the barrier. "What's going on? Why don't you remember anything? _How _can you not remember anything?" Stifling another sob, Spock looked up at Kirk, his eyes green rimmed and his cheeks moist. At that moment Kirk would have given anything to hold Spock in his arms and rock him gently, but after what he had done, he couldn't trust that he'd be safe. Spock reopened his hands and placed his forehead on the barrier. He gasped for air so that he could speak, but the pain in it heart made it hard.

Regaining his composure, he began to explain. "Do you remember last night when I told you I was losing control? That I was afraid of myself?" Kirk nodded. "The worst possible scenario has happened. During the time when I…went on a rampage, I was being controlled by the darker side of me. He calls himself Gabriel. While I slept last night, he overpowered me and blocked my senses. The entire time you say I was walking around and doing these horrible things, I was completely unaware of my surroundings; all I saw was my subconscious."

"So you're basically saying that an alternate personality had taken over and caused you to do all the things you've done?" Kirk knew exactly what that entailed, and it meant that even if Azrael passed away, Spock would have insanity as his defense. Not a great excuse, but one that could save him. Spock nodded and said, "Yes. My condition is not unlike the mental disorder known as schizophrenia among humans. I am sad to say this condition has been worsened by the emotional events of late."

"My meditations are no longer effective Jim," Spock said, his voice shaking. "I cannot control my emotions anymore, which means merging the two halves of me into one is impossible. And now…" A sob broke through his speech, anguish sweeping over him. Kirk couldn't stand not being able to comfort the man he loved. Quickly recollecting himself, Spock said, "Help me…I cannot do this on my own…please…"

As he spoke, he heard Gabriel's voice ring in his ears.

_SPOCK! _

Spock's teary eyes were suddenly filled with fear. He shook his head and backed away from the barrier. "No…please, stay away. I do not want to go back into the darkness…" Again Gabriel screamed his name.

_SSSPOOOOOCK! _

Spock covered his ears and doubled over as if in pain. He screamed, "_NOO! GO AWAY!_"

"Fight him!" Kirk yelled, banging on the barrier. "Fight him Spock! You can do it! Don't let him win!"

Spock dropped to his knees, grabbing fistfuls of his hair. "I…I cannot! He is too strong…please! Get Prime! Get Spock Prime!" With a vanquished scream, Spock's body fell limp onto the floor. Kirk pressed his body against the barrier, wishing he could rush to Spock's side, but was held back. He knew that Gabriel had gained control and couldn't go near him for his own safety, but he didn't care. He'd risk it all for Spock's sake.

"SPOCK!" Kirk screamed. The still body of Spock lay for a moment then slowly rose again. A cruel smile clung to his lips as he looked at Kirk. "I'm sorry," he said. "Spock isn't available at the moment. You can redirect any communications for him to _me._"

"Damn you Gabriel," Kirk sneered. "So help me I will force you out of that body and give Spock rightful control of it. Mark my words! Your days are numbered!"

Spock laughed maniacally. "I'd like to see you try it, _lover._"

Kirk scowled at the man who moments ago was the real Spock and whirled away. Before leaving, he said to one of the security officers, "Keep an eye on him. No matter what he tells you, don't you _dare _let him out of that room." Acknowledging the security officer's curt nod, he stormed off, ignoring the mad laughter of the Vulcan still in the brig.

* * *

"Schizophrenia?!?" McCoy asked, shocked at the news. Kirk had gathered his commanding officers into the conference room to discuss the issue of Spock's sudden change in behavior. He sat at the head of the table with everyone else sitting alongside the table on either side of him.

Kirk nodded. "Well, it's kinda like schizophrenia. It's not entirely a split personality so much as a different side of Spock. It's probably the side of him that he doesn't let anyone see because of the behavioral expectations of a Vulcan. This side is violent, emotional, possessive, jealous..."

"…and smiles a whole freakin' lot," interjected Sulu. Kirk glared at him. "What?!? You can't tell me the rest of you haven't been thinking it too. And I'm sure I don't speak for _you _Captain, since you _like _seeing him smile, but for the rest of us, it's really creepy!" Scotty, Chekhov, and McCoy nodded in agreement.

"I happen to think he has a beautiful smile," Uhura said, crossing her arms and frowning.

Kirk muttered under his breath, "Yeah, you _would._" He cleared his throat and ignored the icy stare he got from Uhura. "The point is the guy we've dealt with since this morning hasn't been Spock. Spock called this other side of him 'Gabriel', and whoever he is he's wrecking some major havoc. Azrael's in critical condition, McCoy was attacked by him in his quarters earlier this morning and he… uh…he bit my neck…"

An uncomfortable look covered the faces of his fellow officers, causing him to blush profusely. "In any case," he continued, "something has to be done to help him. Since this isn't just some chemical imbalance in his head, this is some kind of internal conflict that he's fighting…and losing. He's completely lost his ability to maintain a balance of his darker side and his lighter side. I have no idea what the cause of it could be, but I have an idea…" Uhura and Kirk shared a look that lasted briefly. "If we don't find some way to help him, and soon, there's a good chance that Spock will go insane."

Scotty raised his hand to ask a question. "Uh, Captain, that's all well and good, but who in tha world can help Spock from an internal conflict?

Taking a deep breath, Kirk said, "Himself." Everyone gave Kirk a funny look, much like he expected. He elaborated, "I take it no one remembers much about the Nero incident. Well, I'll paraphrase. Nero came to our world because the Spock of an alternate timeline created a miniature black hole using red matter while attempting to save Romulus from a star that went super nova. The Spock of that timeline still exists in _this_ timeline. It was pretty obvious he'd have no way back since he entered through a black hole, and with Vulcan destroyed he decided to it was best to stay and help rebuild the Vulcan race. He's currently residing on the new Vulcan colony."

It was Chekhov's turn to speak up. "But I still don't understand how a different Spock can be of any help for our Spock. After all, you did say this ees an internal conflict." The young Russian was right to be concerned. "To be honest," Kirk said, "I don't know either. But if anyone could have a solution for this problem, it'll be him. He's the only one who knows what Spock is going through right now and has a better chance of helping than any of us. I plan to send him a transmission alerting him of the situation and see if either he can come here or if we should go to him. I don't think I have to tell you what will happen if Spock Prime isn't able to help Spock. However, right now he's the only hope we got to set things right. Are we in agreement?"

Satisfied by the nods he received, though they were lacking enthusiasm and certainty, Kirk stood from his seat and looked at his fellow officers. "I'll send the transmission to Spock Prime in my quarters and alert you of the outcome. Dismissed."

He watched as everyone rose from their seat. McCoy walked by him, clapped a hand on his shoulder and said, "You know where to go if you need someone to talk to." Placing a hand over his, Kirk nodded. McCoy gave a final squeeze and walked out of the room. Soon everyone in the room had left. Everyone that is, except for Uhura. She stayed in her seat and stared at Kirk.

Catching her gaze, Kirk asked coldly, "Is there something you need to say?" She winced at the tone of his voice, but held her ground. Nodding slowly, she rose from her seat and walked over to Kirk, who watched her cautiously. Drawing a breath, she said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Kirk said, scoffing. She cut an angry eye at him and said, "Yes, I'm _sorry. _You were right. Spock and I were never meant to be together. I think I always knew it, but I didn't want to admit it. I just wanted him to be the one for me, you know? But after you said what you did in transporter room and with everything that's going on…I know I couldn't handle this nearly as well as you are. I can tell it's tearing you apart, but you're still carrying on, doing everything you can to help him."

She came closer to Kirk and looked up at him. His jaw was clenched, but there was no anger in his eyes, only sadness. She placed a gentle hand on his cheek and said, "Of all the people to steal Spock's heart away from me, I'm glad that it was you and not some other girl. I lost out to the better man, and I'm bowing out gracefully."

Uhura removed her hand and smiled sadly at Kirk, who suddenly seemed to have trouble holding himself together. "Even though your offering to comfort to me when Spock broke up with me was probably in bad taste, I still owe you for it. If you need to talk to someone and McCoy's not available, you can always come to me. I want us to be friends."

Kirk smiled softly back at her and nodded. As she walked away from him, he said, "Thanks Uhura. I really appreciate it."

She stopped just before she left the room and turned around. Smiling, she said, "You can call me Nyota," then left the room.


	28. Evaluation

**Ch 26: Evaluation**

"And that's what's going on," Kirk said.

The somber, wrinkled face of Spock Prime stared back at him from the telecom in his room. It had taken him every bit of strength he had within in him to calmly explain the situation. However, Spock Prime was all too familiar with Kirk's mannerisms to be fooled. The old Vulcan stared sadly back at the younger version of his t'hy'la and noted with great care the dimness of Kirk's usually vibrant eyes and the dark circles beneath them. His ears had become attuned to subtle hints of emotion in the man's voice and could clearly hear the sorrow the young captain struggled to hide. Kirk had every right to feel as he did; knowing the one you love is suffering so greatly and being powerless to help them is a torture that knows no end.

"I understand," Prime said in that deep rumble that indicated his age. The sound of his voice gave Kirk shivers down his spine. If that's what Spock will sound like when he grew old, he'd have to do everything in his power to make sure he was around to hear it. "You are in great luck, Jim. We have just completed a new ship for Ambassador Sarek to use in his travels. It is in need of a test flight to ensure that the warp drive is functioning properly. I am certain I can successfully volunteer for the test flight considering I aided a great deal in its construction."

Kirk's eyes lit up as a small bit of hope finally seemed within his grasp. "Perfect! How soon do you think you can get to our coordinates?" Smiling at the positive change in Kirk's demeanor, Prime answered, "If the warp drive is functioning at its expected capacity, I can be there within a few hours." Kirk struggled with the sudden rush of happiness he felt inside. If Prime could come and take care of Spock then everything would be as it should be.

"I must say," Prime continued, "I am rather worried about Spock though." The shimmer in Kirk's eyes began to dim. "No Vulcan has experienced anything like what Spock is currently dealing with. His condition is much more of a human ailment that is being complicated by his Vulcan heritage. From what you have told me, I believe the condition from which he suffers is very similar to something called Dissociative Identity Disorder. I cannot be entirely certain until I examine him, but if that is indeed the case, it will be quite difficult and potentially dangerous to help him to the extent he may need."

"Dissociative Identity Disorder?" Kirk asked. "What is that?"

"As you noted, it is the presence of multiple personalities in an individual's psyche. When one takes over, the other usually has no memory of what they did, much like what you described happened with Spock. Symptoms include amnesia, sudden uncharacteristic behavior, violence, even a total disconnection with reality. I would say I'm surprised that Doctor McCoy didn't pick up on this, but given the fact that his expertise lies in the physical ailments of his patients, I can understand where it wouldn't come to mind."

"As I discussed with Spock during his time at the colony, I suffered from a great deal of internal conflict due to my mixed heritage. I felt myself swinging like a pendulum between my human side and my Vulcan side. Being near you on a daily basis only further complicated my internal conflict, as I felt myself wanting to be more human so that I could better relate to you and show my affection more openly."

Prime smiled lightly at the blush that tinted Kirk's cheeks. He had forgotten how adorable his t'hy'la was when he was embarrassed. Unfortunately this was not the time to admire it. "With time and dedication to my meditations, I was able to overcome my internal conflict, though it wasn't until after we encountered V'ger that I was truly able to merge my two halves into one. Mind melding with one who had never known more than the pursuit and acquiring of knowledge made me realize that I am not capable of living my life as solely a Vulcan or a human. My love for you also made me realize that if I were to ever be my best for you, I would have to embrace both halves of me."

Kirk's face was so red it glowed. Prime couldn't resist giving a light chuckle, but continued with his explanation. "While I am uncertain as to how severe the separation of human and Vulcan halves are within Spock, I am 98.67% certain that this is a direct result of the loss of our mother, our planet, and most of our race. In other words, he has secretly been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. "

"I'm sure everything that's been happening between me and him haven't exactly helped with that," Kirk added. Prime nodded his head in agreement. "Indeed. In fact, it is likely that any personal progress he had been making with recovering had not only been hindered but completely undone by the events that transpired after his return to the Enterprise. But do not worry Jim. As soon as I arrive, I believe I will be able to undo the damage done."

"Thank you," Kirk said in a quiet voice. "I'll tell everyone that you're on your way."

"One more thing before you go," Prime added. "I will need you to have Spock sedated before I arrive." Kirk gave Prime a bewildered look. "_Sedated? _You do remember that the only reason we had Spock sedated in the first place was because he had been distracted by the lieutenant he was beating up, right?"

"I am aware of that," Prime said. "That does not change the fact that in order for me to evaluate his mental state he will need to be sedated."

"And how do you expect me to do that?"

Prime smiled one last time and said, "You are Captain James Tiberius Kirk. I'm sure you'll think of something."

Before Kirk could retort, Prime ended the transmission from his end. Kirk curled his hands into fists and slammed them on the desk in front of him. He screamed internally. _Damn that cheeky Vulcan! This isn't the first time he's pulled this shit on me!_ Huffing, he pushed away from his desk and left the room. If he had to sedate Spock, he was going to need a major dose from Doctor McCoy, and probably some body armor from security.

* * *

Gabriel sat in the back of his containment cell staring blankly out into space. He had grown weary of the lack of a view he was left with to stare at. There wasn't even a proper place for him to sit, so he was stuck with either standing, sitting, or laying on the floor. He wondered how long he would be stuck in the brig. If the lieutenant died, he'd probably be sent back to Earth to stand trial in front of Starfleet. He secretly wished that would happen if for no other reason than to provide him with different scenery.

To his delight, part of a mustard-colored shirt entered his view outside of his cell. Soon the bearer of the shirt was revealed as the blond-haired, blue-eyed captain of the Enterprise. His lips curled up into a dark smile as he rose up from the floor. He wondered if the intrepid captain had found a way to thwart him. Knowing him as he did, he was almost certain that he had.

"Open the barrier and close it as soon as I enter the cell," Kirk said, staring straight at Gabriel. The security guard closest to Kirk gave him a concerned look. "Sir, I don't think that's a good idea. If you go in there alone, we can't protect you."

Giving the security guard a fierce look, Kirk said, "I believe I gave you a direct order." The guard gulped and quickly flipped the switch to drop the barrier. He watched carefully as Kirk crossed the threshold and entered the cell. As soon as he had cleared the point where the barrier lay, the guard quickly switched the barrier back on before Gabriel could attempt to leave. But Gabriel made no move to escape when the barrier disappeared. No, he was far too interested in what it was Kirk had up his sleeve. He remained rooted in place, letting the captain approach him.

"Come to pay me a visit?" Gabriel said, his voice rich with mockery. Kirk didn't take the bait. In an even tone, he said, "Yeah, I have. I got a question for you, _Gabriel. _Why did you take over Spock's body?"

Gabriel laughed in Kirk's face, relishing the fury he saw swirling in his crystal blue eyes. "Oh really Jim, do you really have to ask me such a question? If you must know, I'll answer your question with another question. Why do detainees attempt to escape from prison? It's simple. They don't like being held captive. They don't like having their right to live freely stripped from them. They don't like seeing the world through a tiny window, constantly wondering what all they're missing. _That's_ why I took over Spock's body. I was tired of being pushed aside as unimportant, tired of seeing and feeling everything he did but not truly being able to experience it…" He raised a hand and placed it on the smooth, closely shaved cheek of the young captain. "I was tired of not being able to live."

Kirk was surprised to see sadness in the cold, dark eyes that stared back at him. The Vulcan whispered, "You have no idea just how much Spock and I both love you. Even if I had a hundred years alone with you, I still couldn't show you just how much you mean to me. Spock tries so hard to conceal it, thinking it's improper and wrong. But I see it for what it real is: a thing of beauty, something so precious and pure that the entire universe should bear witness to it."

"I can't stand not being able to hold you, to touch you, to love you with every fiber of my being." A single tear fell from Gabriel's face. "It's not fair. He and I share the same body, but I'm the one who gets brushed aside. He only embraces our father's world; I'm the only one who acknowledges and appreciates everything that our mother sacrificed for us."

"That's not true," Kirk said, wiping away the tear from Gabriel's face. The fury he had felt just moments before had melted away into nothingness as he saw the face of the man he loved filled with such anguish. "He _does _acknowledge it, and he appreciates it more than you see."

Gabriel shook his head. "The Spock you know and the Spock I fight with on a daily basis are two separate entities. The Spock you know if the entity caught in the crossfire between me and his Vulcan half. The Spock I know is a juvenile who knows nothing more than logic and knowledge." Kirk's heart skipped a beat as he remembered what Prime had told him during their transmission. _Mind melding with one who had never known more than the pursuit and acquiring of knowledge made me realize that I am not capable of living my life as solely a Vulcan or a human. _Prime may have overcome his one-dimensional view of the world, but it was clear that Spock still had a long way to go before he could too.

"I know that Spock is trying his best to merge the two of us into one so that he can truly be complete," Gabriel continued. "But as he is now, he's not strong enough to do it. Until he can come to accept both me and his Vulcan side equally, he'll never be able to merge us. Besides, I have no desire to merge with that cold Vulcan half, not until I'm satisfied. Not until I've had you for myself Jim."

Gabriel raised his hands to Kirk's face and pulled him close. To Kirk's surprise, the kiss that had been planted on his lips was not forceful or violent; it was sweet and gentle. The desire and passion that resided within both Gabriel and Spock came through loud and clear without harshly mashing their lips together. Hesitantly, Kirk raised his arms and pulled Gabriel's body closer to him, allowing himself to enjoy the kiss. The security officers noticed they had become unusually quiet and peeked inside the cell. The moment they saw Kirk and what seemed to be Spock kissing, they quickly turned away and immediately regretted looking.

They broke their kiss, both gazing deeply in the other's eyes. Gabriel smiled sadly, knowing that what Kirk saw wasn't really him, but Spock. "I envy him. In keeping me buried for so long, the man you've fallen in love with isn't me, it's him."

Kirk shook his head. "No. I don't love one part or another. I love each and every part of Spock. And that includes you." Tears fell from Gabriel's eyes. Breathless, he said, "You're just saying that." Kirk leaned in and kissed Gabriel again, causing more tears to pour down his face. He put all of the love he held in his heart into the kiss. Pulling away again, he said, "You know that's not true."

Laughing, Gabriel said, "I think I envy you more than I envy Spock. You're able to show your emotions so freely. Even when you're on duty as captain, your emotions are your strongest suit. You don't know what I'd give to be human like you."

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," Kirk said with a smile. His smile faded as he moved his hand to his utility belt. "I'm sorry Gabriel."

"For what?" Gabriel asked, a confused look on his face.

Kirk swiftly pulled the hypo out of his utility belt and injected it straight into Gabriel's neck. His shock-filled eyes flew open for a moment then dropped closed. Kirk wrapped his arms around him to keep his limp body from falling onto the floor. With a sad voice, Kirk said, "For that." Rotating the Vulcan's body, he scooped him up into his arms like he had just days ago and turned back toward the entrance of the cell.

"Hey!" he yelled as he kicked at the barrier. The two security guards cautiously looked into the cell and saw Kirk standing with a now unconscious Spock in his arms. "Open up!" The guard nearest to the switch quickly lifted the barrier and watched in surprise as Kirk carried Spock out of the cell. His mouth worked as if he were about to say something, but when he caught the look on Kirk's face, he promptly shut it. Whatever it was the captain was doing he had no business inquiring about it.

As he walked Spock's body to sick bay, he fought the tears that threatened to fall. "Don't worry," he whispered, turning his head and placing a gentle kiss on the Vulcan's forehead. "Everything will be alright soon."

* * *

Kirk stood in the transporter room, fidgeting anxiously as he awaited the arrival of Spock Prime. Scotty pressed on the controls and said, "I got a lock on 'im, Captain. Preparing to beam 'im aboard." A few more controls were pressed, creating a low whine that steadily rose in pitch. Scotty moved a hand to the slider and pushed it forward. The teleporter pad across from where he and Kirk stood began to glow with bright white swirling light. Seconds later, the body of Spock Prime stood before them, his arms clasped tightly behind his back.

"Captain," he said, giving Kirk a nod in greeting before stepping off the platform. Kirk rushed over to him, relief flooding over him. "Thank God you're finally here," he said. "Spock is sedated like you requested. He's currently resting in the sick bay, strapped down to the medical bed in case the sedative wears off before you arrived. We can make our way there now if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Prime said. "Time is certainly of the essence."

The two walked in silence until they reached sick bay. Once inside, Prime saw some of the damage that Spock had caused. Lieutenant Azrael lay barely breathing on one medical bed, while a covered body lay on another. His eyes finally met with Spock, who was being carefully monitored by Doctor McCoy. McCoy saw the older Spock and felt his jaw go slack. "My God," he said. "He's the splitting image of Spock!"

"Of course, Doctor McCoy," Prime said, "I _am _Spock."

McCoy's mouth closed and formed a frown. "Yeah, that's Spock alright."

Kirk and Prime made their way to Spock's still body. Prime placed his both of his hands on Spock's face, making sure to put each finger in the proper place to perform a meld with him. He closed his eyes and looked deep into Spock's mind. His eyes flickered beneath his lowered eyelids rapidly. Moments later his eyes flew open. Collecting himself, he turned to face McCoy and Kirk.

"The separation of personalities is worse than I thought," Prime said. "Each personality now exists as its own entity in Spock's mind. The Spock that we know of is being held captive by his human side, and his Vulcan side is severely damaged. It seems as though his human side is battling for dominance over the other two and is succeeding. If I don't do something, and quickly, the Spock we all know will cease to exist."

Kirk and McCoy shared a mortified look. Kirk grabbed Prime's shoulders tightly. "Please, please help him. We can't afford to lose him. _I _can't afford to lose him." Sighing, Prime said, "There _is _something I can do, but I will need to discuss it with the rest of your commanding officers. If you could bring Mr. Scott, Lieutenant Uhura, Mr. Sulu, and Mr. Chekhov to the conference room, I can go in greater detail."

"Why do we need the rest of them?" Kirk asked. Closing his eyes, Prime said, "There is far too much to explain to have to do it more than once. Just trust me and gather everyone in the conference room."

After giving the elder Vulcan a skeptical look, he nodded and moved to the intercom. Pressing the button, Kirk announced to the ship. "This is Captain Kirk speaking. Will Lieutenant Uhura, Mr. Chekhov, Mr. Sulu, and Mr. Scott please report to the conference room immediately? I repeat, Lieutenant Uhura, Mr. Chekhov, Mr. Sulu, and Mr. Scott, please report to the conference room immediately." Releasing the button, Kirk turned to Prime, who nodded in satisfaction. He walked out of sick bay, leaving Kirk and McCoy. They looked at each other, shrugged, and then followed promptly after.

* * *

"You are all aware of Spock's current status," Prime said. He stood before the six remaining commanding officers in the conference room, arms clasped behind his back and he walked back and forth. He was unfortunately very aware of the tension in the room. Everyone was worried about Spock, and rightfully so. Their initial reactions to seeing an older version of Spock had waned, overshadowed with the direness of the situation. "I can help him, but the only way possible not only involves the assistance of everyone here, but will put my life, Spock's life, and Captain Kirk's life in grave danger."

Everyone in the room gasped, including Kirk. McCoy stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "Now hold on you green-blooded old coot! Why the hell is Jim's life being put on the line as well?"

Looking stonily at McCoy, Prime responded, "Because Spock and Captain Kirk love each other." Everyone's attention was on Kirk now. Kirk simply dropped his head and blushed. "Captain Kirk's love for Spock is the only thing that can help Spock right now. I will perform a version of the _fal-tor-pan_, which was used on me to fuse my katra, my soul, back to my body. There's not enough time to go into detail of the circumstance in which the ceremony was performed on me, but I can assure you that it requires Spock, Captain Kirk, and myself. I will fuse my mind and the captain's mind with Spock's. From there, we will attempt to merge the multiple personalities into one and return Spock to his former self."

"What makes this so unusual is the sheer amount of power that is required from the performer of the ceremony. This is where the rest of you come in. You all have some level of affection for both the captain and Spock. I will need to utilize your desires to restore Spock to his former self and to see them both safe and sound in order to perform the ceremony. In other words, the sheer power of your combined emotions is what will fuel this ceremony. What makes this so dangerous is that three minds will be linked together. Should we fail in the combination of Spock's inner personalities, the three of us could possible perish in the process."

"I cannot possibly ask you to put your captain and first officer in such danger. Only if you all agree to it will I perform the ceremony." Everyone looked at each other, unsure if they could take such a risk. However, if this was the only way to help Spock, they were all ready to take the chance.

Scotty was the first to speak up. "Ye've got my approval. I'll do anything I can ta help."

"I'm in," said Sulu.

"Me too," said Chekhov.

"You don't even have to ask me," Uhura said. "I want Spock back to his old self more than anything else in the universe."

McCoy looked around hesitantly then said, "I don't think Jim would forgive me if I didn't agree to help. Besides, the hobgoblin's grown on me. The ship wouldn't be the same without him."

Kirk stood from his seat and nodded. "I don't know if I'll be as helpful as you say, but I'd gladly put my life on the line if I can help Spock. I'd rather die trying to save him than live without him."

Prime smiled and took a moment to look at everyone in the room. Though this was a different universe and he was staring at slightly different versions of his old comrades, he saw the same fiery spirit within them all. Whether they realized it or not, they were a family, and when one was in danger, they all joined forces to help. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Then we shall move to sick bay and prepare for the ceremony."

Leading the charge once again, Spock left the room, slowly followed by Scotty, Sulu and Chekhov. McCoy and Uhura rose from their chairs and went to stand by Kirk. They both put a hand on his shoulder and stared at him. Giving him a look of assurance, they walked out with him. Though they still had their lingering opinions about Kirk and Spock's relationship, they kept them to themselves. At that moment, Kirk was in desperate need of support, and they offered it wholly and willingly.


	29. Inner Demons

**Ch 27: Inner Demons**

Kirk and Spock lay next to each other in sick bay; Spock lay unconscious on the medical bed while Kirk lay on a mobile gurney, eyes wide open. Standing between the two of them was Spock Prime, his warm, wrinkled hands resting on the two young men's foreheads. He stared at the rest of the crew who stood before him, including Chapel who had volunteered to help when they entered sick bay. Her assistance was greatly welcomed, as the more help they had fueling the ceremony, the more likely its success would be.

In a deep, foreboding voice, he announced, "I will now perform the ceremony." Softening his voice, he turned his head to Kirk and said, "Please close your eyes and clear your mind." Nervously, Kirk nodded and closed his eyes, keeping his mind as free of thoughts as he could. Raising his voice, Prime said, "Everyone will need to put their full focus on Spock and Kirk. Since this ceremony is normally performed with many more in attendance, I will need you all to lay a hand on either Spock or Kirk to allow your feelings to flow directly into them."

Prime waited as everyone moved either to one side or the other. Uhura stood in the center, placing her hands on both Kirk and Spock. Uhura held the surprisingly warm hand of Spock in her right hand and the almost equally warm hand of Kirk in her left. Kirk's other free hand was held tightly by McCoy while Chapel clasped both her hands on Spock's. She had never met the Vulcan prior to his arrival to sick bay, but with all she had heard about him, she desperately hoped that he would pull through. She did her best to focus these feelings into the Vulcan as she clutched his hand in hers.

Satisfied that everyone was making some sort of physical contact with the two men Prime carefully positioned his fingers on the faces of both Kirk and Spock and closed his eyes. He instantly felt their comrades' emotions flow into his fingers when they hit the proper positions on their faces. He allowed himself a smile as he felt the warmth of their love, respect, and concern flow into him. Forming a link with Kirk's mind, he pulled both himself and Kirk into Spock's mind.

The world around them swirled madly as they entered Spock's mind. Colors and images sped past them at unimaginable speeds, and then there was only darkness. They opened their eyes and found themselves completely surrounded by an inky blackness. If it weren't for the fact that he had seen so many colors whirl past him moments before, he would have believed he was simply looking at the back of his eyelids. He looked around him to see if Spock was anywhere to be found, but saw nothing but black.

Somewhere in the distance came a blood-curdling scream. Kirk's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach as he recognized the scream as Spock's. Not waiting for Prime to give the go ahead, he bolted in the direction of the scream. Prime struggled to keep up with the worried youth, but his age slowed him down greatly. Kirk cupped his hands around his mouth as he ran and screamed, "_SPOOOOOCK! WHERE ARE YOOOOU?"_

Kirk heard his voice echo for what seemed like an eternity before he heard another scream. Lungs burning, he continued to run, adrenaline sending him flying even faster through the strange world around him. Finally he saw Spock in the distance, but wasn't entirely sure that what he was seeing was real. Dark tendrils suspended Spock high above the ground and stretched his arms and legs away from his body. Below him stood someone who Kirk couldn't recognize from afar, but looked distinctly human. Wrapped around his hand was another dark tendril that he used to whip the suspended Vulcan's body. Kirk found it strange that he was able to discern the tendrils from the darkness around him, but quickly dismissed this thought when he saw the condition Spock was in. Dark green blood oozed from broken, exposed flesh; his uniform had been slashed to ribbons from the relentless whip.

As he watched, the attacker took careful aim and whipped the tendril across Spock's forehead. He cackled madly as the whip retracted. "Hahaha! Bullseye! Let's see if I can whip that logical brain right out of your skull, Spock!" The moment he heard the voice, he knew exactly who the attacker was.

Another burst of adrenaline pumped through his veins, sending him charging at Spock's attacker at a speed he never before thought was possible. Kirk bent down low and launched himself at the attacker's abdomen, sending him flying into the ground with a loud thud. He pulled himself over the man and straddled him, fist balled up and ready to strike. Just before he could beat the snot out of him, Kirk recognized the face of the attacker and froze. The man's facial features were just different enough to make it where he couldn't be recognized from afar, but now that he was close enough to really take a good look at him, he saw Spock's face.

"Spock…" Kirk whispered. The imposter raised a fist and swung at Kirk's head, knocking him off of him. Kirk rolled on the floor and held the side of his head where the fist had connected. He was glad that the body he currently occupied was only a physical representation of his mental presence in Spock's mind, because he could tell that he'd have a rather large, tender lump on his head otherwise. He barely had time to gather himself when a foot flew into his side.

Crumpled on the floor and clutching his side, which now felt as though he had a couple cracked ribs, the enraged man screamed at him, "I am_ NOT _Spock! My name is_ GABRIEL!_"Kirk would have muttered an explicative had Gabriel not kicked him again, this time in his stomach. The wind in his lungs rushed out as he wrapped his arms around his stomach. Gabriel was about to land another blow on the unfortunate captain when he was thrown backwards into the darkness.

Spock Prime stood with his palm held straight out, fury ignited in his normally kind, elderly eyes. He said nothing and didn't need to; his power spoke for itself. Keeping his palm extended toward the troublesome personality, Prime approached Kirk. Though Gabriel was sprawled on the ground, Prime didn't trust his strength enough to take his eyes off of him. Without breaking eye contact with Gabriel, he asked, "Are you alright?"

Kirk struggled to pick himself up off the ground. He had been in plenty of fights before, but he had never felt anyone inflict that amount of pain on him before. After finally rising back up onto his feet, he said, "Yeah, I'm alright. That was nothing." Prime cut an eye at the swaying captain, but said nothing. He was used to the headstrong bravado of Captain James T. Kirk that prevailed so long as he could stand on his own two feet.

His eyes still on Gabriel, Prime said, "I need you to stand directly underneath Spock. I am going to release him from his bonds. Do not worry about Gabriel, he will not move." Kirk gave a worried look at Prime before standing directly beneath Spock's body. As soon as he was in position with his arms held out to catch him, Prime undid the dark bonds that held him in place using his free hand. Kirk's heart stopped as he saw Spock's body fall down toward him. To his relief, Spock landed safely in his arms, but the force of his limp body sent Kirk tumbling down to the ground as well.

Repositioning himself into a sitting position, he examined the wounded Vulcan in his arms. Spock's face was pale, much paler than usual. His eyes were closed and his breathing ragged. Kirk gently shook the Vulcan. "Spock! Spock, are you alright?" Spock's eyes clenched then fluttered open. Staring back at him were the familiar crystal blue eyes and brilliant white teeth of his beloved captain. He raised a blood covered hand and touched his face.

"Jim," he said, barely able to say his name. "Is it really you?"

A relieved laugh unexpectedly escaped Kirk's parted lips. Fighting the tears that sprung to his eyes, he nodded. "Yeah, it's me." He pulled the Vulcan close and hugged him as tightly as he dared. Though very weak, Spock managed to wrap his arms around Kirk and hug him back, ignoring the pain from his wounded body, but letting out a slight groan despite his best efforts. Kirk pulled away from Spock and looked at him. "What the hell did he do to you?"

His breath still labored, Spock said, "Before…he held me captive…would not even let me see…what it was he was doing. The sedative…allowed me to regain control…but not for long. When I lost control again…he bound me…and began whipping me. He was attempting…to break my spirit. Make me lose hope…so he could wipe me out. My Vulcan half still lives…but I do not think…he can help…"

"I do not think that is necessarily true." Prime approached the two with a young, battered Vulcan boy standing beside him. "He had been hiding deep within your subconscious, Spock. However, he has come out of hiding to help you."

"Hiding?" Kirk said, speaking up for the weakened Spock. The young Vulcan winced at Kirk's harsh tone of voice. "Why the hell have you been hiding when Gabriel's been wrecking havoc? How could you just step back and let him do all those horrible things, not only to you, but to everyone else too? How could you allow yourself to be such a _coward?!?_"

"Jim," Prime said, his voice calm but stern. Kirk swiftly shut his mouth, recognizing the tone and knowing it was time for him to shut up and listen. "The boy you see here is not only the Vulcan half of Spock, but is a younger version of Spock. He did not confront Gabriel because he was frightened. And from what I have seen him do, I cannot say I blame him."

"Speaking of which, where is he?" Kirk asked, looking around.

"I still have him restrained," Prime said, earning a surprised look from Kirk. "Gabriel may be violent and full of fury, but he is no match for a trained, experienced Vulcan mind."

Kirk gave Prime a smirk and said, "Why Prime, if I'm hearing right, it sounds to me like you're _gloating!_" Prime smiled lightly at Kirk. "You forget Jim, I am half-Vulcan. Even as only half a Vulcan, I have no need to 'gloat'. I merely observed the difference in our skill sets and stated a fact." Then Prime did something that Kirk would have died to have a picture of: he winked.

Getting back onto his feet, Kirk lifted both himself and Spock off of the floor. Spock held on tightly as the young captain wobbled unsteadily. Kirk looked at Spock and asked, "Do you think you can stand?" Spock nodded and said, "Yes, I believe I can. However, I will most likely need assistance with walking. I regret that I am such a burden…"

"Hush," Kirk whispered as he lowered Spock to his feet carefully. The Vulcan was able to stand on his own two feet, but as soon as Kirk began walking, he found himself holding on tightly. Kirk smiled sadly and wrapped his arm around Spock's side, holding him as they walked together. The four of them walked over to where Gabriel stood frozen in place. The only part of his body that Prime left him in control of was his face, which was twisted into an angry sneer.

His deep voice echoing as it rumbled from his throat, Prime asked, "Why do you refuse to allow yourself to be merged into one with Spock?" Gabriel spat his reply, "Why do you allow your Vulcan half to dominate over you? I see no reason why I should allow myself to be pushed aside as some regrettable, undesirable part of Spock! I want a chance to live just as freely as he does! I didn't ask to be born a half-breed! I've spent my entire life being told I was unwanted, that I was an unfortunate accident, and that my mother was a _whore_ who seduced a Vulcan into her bed and had the _gall_ to give birth to his son! Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you know how miserable that's made me? And then, instead of embracing me and appreciating his mother for giving him life, he let her _die!"_

"_That's not true!_" Spock screamed, surprising Kirk. It was amazing that he was able to scream when he had so little energy in his body. "I _loved _my mother! If I could have I would have given my own life to save hers! I would rather be _dead _than living my life without her!"

"And what good would that do you?" came an unexpected voice. The four versions of Spock all looked in silent shock as they recognized the voice. Unfortunately, Kirk wasn't privy to who the voice belonged to. He looked around frantically to see who it was who spoke when he saw a slender woman walking toward him. She was radiant, the air around her shining brightly as she walked toward the group of men. Her smile matched the luminous gown of white she wore; brilliantly white to contrast against the darkness. Kirk actually had to shield his eyes from the woman who glowed brightly as she came closer.

She stopped directly in front of Kirk and Spock and reached out her hands to her wounded son. In a soft voice, she said, "We've already discussed the benefit of you staying alive, dear, even if it was at my expense." Spock released his hold on Kirk and all but fell into his mother's arms. She held him tightly, still smiling her radiant smile. As she held him, the wounds closed up and healed on his body. The fresh and dried blood dissolved off of him; even the tears and rips in his uniform mended. When she released him, he felt a surge of energy flow through him. It was as if he had been reborn, just by embracing his mother.

She turned her attention to Kirk, who stood awkwardly behind Spock, completely at a lost for how he should react to suddenly meeting Spock's mother, especially under such unique circumstances. Her eyes twinkled mischievously as she stared straight into the blue eyes that reflected the light around her. She couldn't help but giggle at how nervous he was at the sight of her. She placed a hand on his shoulder and stated, "So. This is the man who stole my darling son's heart. You really _are _handsome. I can see how he fell for you as hard as he did."

Kirk's face turned beet red. He wasn't sure if it was because she had called him handsome or because she somehow knew about him and Spock. Again she giggled, her laugh like a wind chime caught in a soft breeze. "Don't be so nervous. I regret that we meet under such circumstances, but I am pleased to see you go to such great lengths to help my son. I could not have picked a better soul mate for him if I had the chance."

"Uh, thank you ma'am," Kirk said, ducking his head down to hide his flushed face. Giving an extremely lopsided grin, he said, "I see now where Spock gets some of his looks…" She laughed wholeheartedly and kissed him gently on the cheek, causing his face to turn nearly purple in embarrassment. Oddly enough, with just the touch on his shoulder and the kiss on his cheek, he felt the pain in his head, stomach, and ribs disappear. "Oh Spock, you've got yourself a keeper! Handsome _and _knows how to flatter your mother! Make sure you hold on to him for dear life, he'll take care of you as long as he lives."

Amanda turned to the younger version of her son and smiled, kneeling down and holding her arms out for a hug. At first, he hesitated, unsure if he should approach her. After all, it had been he who had denied Spock of the love and affection he wanted so badly to give his entire life. She motioned with her hands for him to come closer, saying "It's okay Spock. I'm not angry with you. I understand why you've acted the way you have toward me, and its okay. I lived with Vulcans a very long time and I know how they feel about humans. It couldn't have been easy for you to have a human mother and a Vulcan father, but I still love you very much. Won't you please come here and hug me?"

The young Vulcan's normally stoic face finally began to crumble with emotion. He launched himself at his mother and held her tightly, sobbing softly into her shoulder. She held him close and rocked him gently, stroking his hair and shushing him. "There, there, it's alright honey. Let it out. Let it all out." As the tears rolled down the boy's face, the bruises miraculously healed. He felt the aches and pains slowly fade away from his body as if they never existed.

When he had healed completely, Amanda pulled away and wiped the tears from his soft, round cheeks. Still smiling, she said, "There. Don't you feel so much better now?" The little Vulcan nodded, and in a strained voice, he flushed a light green and hiccupped, "I love you mother." She leaned forward and rubbed her nose against her son's button nose, eliciting the smallest of smiles from him lips. "I love you too, darling."

"How?" Gabriel cried. "How can you love such an uncaring, stoic freak of nature?!?" Amanda raised her head and looked at the man who looked just like her son, but somewhat different. Her motherly eyes knew exactly who it was she saw. She was surprised to see him, but did not show it externally. Instead she stood up and strode over to him. Gabriel would have fidgeted, but Prime still held him still, allowing only his head to move freely. She approached and did not smile, but gazed at him as though it had been years since she had seen him. She pressed a hand against his face and stared deeply into his eyes. As Gabriel stared back at his mother, he saw tears begin to form in the corners of her eyes. Her lips finally curved into a smile as she laughed. "Gabriel…"

The hold Prime had on Gabriel's body was released as she spoke her son's name. Any and all traces of malice immediately vanished from Gabriel's face as his mother recognized him. Now free, he wrapped his arms around his mother and hugged her tightly, his tears soaking into her dress. Between sobs, he said, "Mother…you recognize me…you really recognize me…" Her voice shaky, Amanda said, "Of course I do Gabriel. Whether you're in human form or Vulcan, I'll always recognize my son…"

She held her son tightly and let him cry, rubbing his back and letting her own tears fall from her closed eyes. There they stood, silent save for Gabriel's sobs and the occasional sniffle from Amanda. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally parted. Amanda wiped the tears from Gabriel's stubbly cheeks; he then returned the favor and wiped away the tears from hers.

"You have so much anger and resentment inside of you Gabriel," she said quietly. "It isn't necessary. Regardless of the fact that you would have existed as your own individual person had I married a human man, you are still very important. You are the reason Spock is able to truly love and to feel as deeply as he does. You are his heart. He isn't whole without you."

She stepped back and made her way to Prime. She looked at the old Vulcan before her, intrigued by the vibe she picked up from him. "You are my son, yet you are also not my son," she said in a rather enigmatic way. "You are not from our timeline, are you?"

"Indeed I am not," Prime said, marveling at his mother's insight. Not a word had left his lips since she had arrived, yet she knew the truth about him. "I am indeed your son, but I come from an alternate universe. A universe where the planet Vulcan was not destroyed and where you lived a much longer life than you did here. I am deeply sorry for all the trouble my actions have caused."

She smiled that sweet smile completely devoid of hatred and gently cradled her son's face with her hands. He closed his eyes and remembered the mother from his own time holding his face just as she did. He opened his eyes again and gazed into the loving eyes he had not seen in so long. "I will tell you as I have told the son of my timeline. Do not blame yourself for what has happened. I regret nothing, and neither should you." She pulled his head down and kissed his forehead. It was a weird sensation, seeing her son so old, but it gave her hope for the future.

Removing her hands from Prime's face, she turned to face the three different sides of Spock: his Vulcan side, his human side, and the side that modeled what he could be if they all combined. "Separately, you are incomplete, but together you are whole. You each have your strengths and your weaknesses, as well as your own strong desire to exist. It isn't possibly for you to exist separately, but you could co-exist in harmony if you simply allowed yourselves to work together. Listen to the voices of your friends."

The three sides of Spock lifted their heads and strained to listen. At first they heard nothing, but the longer they listened, the clearer the voices became.

First came Sulu's voice: _Pull yourself together, Spock. You gotta get through this…_

Next was Chekhov's voice: _Meester Spock, please come back to us. We don't want to lose you…_

An unfamiliar female voice called to him: _Mr. Spock. You don't know me, but I've heard so many things about you. You can't give up now. Please give me a chance to find out if everything I've heard about you is true…_

Scotty spoke next: _Come on Spock, ye kin do this! Ye're tha strongest man ah know!_

McCoy grumbled: _Dammit Spock, I can't have you dying on me. Jim will never be the same if he loses you…_

And finally, Uhura's voice rang through: _Spock, please. We all want you back to your old self again._

Kirk decided to put his two cents in as well. "Spock, Gabriel, I told you both that I love every part of you, and I meant it. But I can't bear to see you two being separated. I want the man I love to be whole again." Turning to Prime, Kirk silently urged him to say something. In a voice that spoke wisdom beyond their years, Prime said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. You will do great things if you combine together. Put your own selfish desires aside and become one, as you were destined to be."

The young Spock and Gabriel looked at each other then looked at Spock. There was still hesitation in their eyes, but they knew it was time for them to put aside their differences. They nodded at Spock, who nodded back in turn. He opened his arms wide and closed his eyes. The young Spock walked forward first. Before integrating with Spock, he said, "I do this for the many great things that we can accomplish together." He embraced Spock and bright light shone between them. When the light faded, the young Vulcan was gone.

Gabriel moved to where the young Vulcan had just stood and stared at his mother, and then stared at Kirk. With a warm smile, he said, "I do this for the mother I lost, and for the man I love." Staring straight at Spock, he closed his eyes and embraced him. Bright light shone once more, only this time bigger and brighter than before. Everyone but Amanda closed their eyes as the light blinded them. When Prime and Kirk opened their eyes, no longer were they surrounded by darkness. However, they weren't surrounded by a blinding whiteness either. Instead, they were surrounded by the home Spock had lived in on Vulcan.

Spock opened his eyes and looked around him. He was relieved to find there was more than just a monochromatic shade of black or white around him. He smiled brightly, and said, "I feel whole again." Kirk flung himself at Spock and lifted him off the ground, spinning around in a circle. Spock allowed himself to laugh openly as Kirk yelled, "Yes! You're back! You're really back! You're finally you again!" He lowered the Vulcan and promptly kissed him fully on the lips.

It wasn't until Prime cleared his throat that Kirk broke the kiss, his face flushing bright red again. However, he was not the only one to blush this time. Spock's face turned a dark green as he realized that he had allowed himself to react so emotionally in front of his mother. The two separated and mumbled together, "Sorry about that," "You have my apologies…"

Giggling, his mother went up to them both and hugged them tightly. "When are you two going to learn that you shouldn't apologize for your feelings?" She kissed them both on the cheek and released them. Stepping back, she said, "I'm glad you've finally become the person you were meant to be Spock. It's now time for me to go."

The happiness on his face washed away. "Go? Does that mean you're not coming back?" She smiled one last time and said, "Of course I'll be back dear. But now that things are as they should be, I don't have to be in a rush. Enjoy your time with those you love who live dear. I'll always be there with you while you are awake, and I can always see you when you sleep." With these parting words, she slowly faded away once more, leaving the two Spocks and Kirk alone in Spock's subconscious.

Prime turned to the two youths and said, "I do believe we have also overstayed our welcome in Spock's subconscious gentlemen. Shall we return to the waking world and share the good news with everyone else?" Kirk and Spock looked at each other and smiled. Grasping each other's hands, they nodded in agreement.

They gathered closely together and closed their eyes. They felt themselves be pulled backwards up and out of Spock's subconscious. Spock opened his eyes first, then Kirk, and then Prime. Everyone around them opened their eyes as well and began to cheer excitedly. Kirk and Spock sat up slowly, only to be bombarded with words, tears, and hugs.

"Oh my God you're okay!" "Yes! You guys did it!" "Jesus, you had us scared for a bit there!" "_Sláva bógu! _The Ceepten and Meester Spock are alright!" "Spock, it's you! It's really you!" "Ye two never cease ta thrill an' amaze meh!"

Though very weary and somewhat overwhelmed from their reception so soon after awaking, both Kirk and Spock smiled at their friends. Sulu noticed the smile on Spock's face and pointed. "Look! He's smiling! He's smiling, and it doesn't look creepy! He's back to normal!" The cheers grew louder until a voice called from the corner of the room.

"Hey, can you guys keep it down? Some of us are trying to recover in here…"

"Azrael!" McCoy exclaimed, pushing past everyone and rushing to his side. He looked at the still wounded lieutenant's vitals and grinned wildly. "Your vitals are stable!" he turned to the others and cheered, "He's going to recover!"

The lieutenant winced from the loud cheers that came from the other side of the room. In a raspy voice, he said, "Not that I don't appreciate your enthusiasm, but I've got a splitting headache, so could you either cheer quieter or take it somewhere else please?" They looked at each other with wide spread grins and lowered their voices.

"We'll set something up in the recreation room for you guys later," Sulu said. "Get some rest in the meantime, alright?" Still smiling, Kirk and Spock nodded. Giving either a friendly wave or a tight squeeze of the hand, the remaining commanding officers left. Before Chapel left though, she said to Doctor McCoy, "When you get a chance Doctor, would you meet me in my quarters?" Surprised by her request, McCoy simply nodded in shock. Smiling softly, she left the room.

Prime turned to Kirk and Spock and said, "I will also take my leave to allow you time to rest. What you two accomplished warrants you a great deal of downtime." Kirk and Spock both nodded and lay back on their beds. Satisfied that the two were going to rest, Prime also left the room.

When McCoy was done examining Azrael's status, he walked over to where Kirk and Spock lay. The two had quickly taken Prime's advice and had fallen fast asleep, their hands joined together in the space between them. Sighing and shaking his head, he lifted their hands and pushed Kirk's gurney closer to Spock's medical bed, lowering their hands once their beds touched. Smirking, he left the two to sleep side by side.


	30. Final Touches

**Ch 28: Final Touches**

Spock opened his eyes and found himself staring at the ceiling of sick bay. He felt a tightness around his right hand and looked at it, finding his hand intertwined with a still snoozing Kirk. Smiling, he sat up and brought the hand to his lips, kissing it ever so gently. So as not to wake Kirk up, he carefully lowered their hands, slowly released his grip on Kirk's hand, and slipped his hand free. He then slipped soundlessly off of the medical bed and looked at the occupied bed across the room. Memories of the damage he inflicted on the poor unsuspecting security officer filled his heart with guilt. He walked over to where Azrael lay and looked down at the sleeping lieutenant.

Sensing a presence near him, Azrael's eyes slowly opened, and then grew wide when he saw the Vulcan standing over him. On the monitor behind him, his vitals escalated. Spock quickly said, "It is alright Lieutenant; I have not come here to harm you. You have my word." Slowly the vitals lowered as Azrael tried to relax. "I have come here to apologize for my violent actions towards you. I assure you I was not in a sane frame of mind and was wholly unaware that I was harming you. That does not however excuse the fact that I brought you harm. You have my deepest apologies."

As he watched the Vulcan bow slightly toward him, Azrael's vitals returned to normal. He could tell that the Vulcan wasn't playing a trick on him, so he allowed himself to relax. "You don't have to apologize," he said. "It's my own fault for abusing my power and spying on other people. I should have known that sooner or later I'd piss someone off by being a no good busybody. My mom used to do that all the time and it drove everyone in the neighborhood nuts, so you'd think I would have picked up on that. You have _my _word that I'll never spy on anyone else ever again. Trust me, I've learned my lesson."

"I am relieved to hear that," Spock said formally. "If I may ask, what ever happened to Ensign Robert?"

Sadness filled Azrael's eyes. "He passed away. But you don't have to worry about Robert. What happened to him was 100 percent his fault. The dumbass picked some random fruit off a tree and ate it. Turned out the fruit was extremely poisonous. He was already feeling bad by the time you showed up, so don't think you killed him or anything like that. You're completely in the clear."

Spock nodded at the lieutenant. "I am sorry for what happened to him. Was he your friend?"

Azrael laughed and winced. His body still ached from the injuries he had sustained. "Yeah, I guess you can say that," he said. "We had known each other since the academy, although he was more of a groupie than a friend. He kept following me around, telling me how cool I was and how much he wanted to be like me." He chuckled, but softly so as not to feel as much pain. "He was an annoying little twerp, but I kinda thought of him as a little brother. It's a shame he had to go in such a way. He wanted to become something really great so his folks wouldn't think of him as a failure. I wonder how they'll feel when they find out how he died."

Spock laid a hand gently on the lieutenant's shoulder. "I'm certain that Captain Kirk will word his letter to Robert's family in such a way that he appears to have died admirably in the line of duty. I will make certain of it." Azrael gave the Vulcan a half smile and said, "Thanks."

Removing his hand, Spock moved to leave the sick bay when Azrael called after him. "Hey, Spock?" Spock's attention returned to Azrael. "About you and the captain…do you mind if I ask exactly what happened between you two? You know, what caused you two to fall for each other?"

Giving a small smile, Spock said, "When you have recovered, I may divulge the information to you. Assuming I can trust you not to let any unnecessary information leak to outside sources that is." Azrael gave a nod and a smile in return then lay back on the bed as Spock left the sick bay.

* * *

McCoy stood nervously outside of Chapel's door. He had no idea where her room was, so he had to look it up in the ship's directory. He raised a fist to knock on the door, but lowered it. Wringing his hands together, he paced back and forth in front of her door, gaining curious looks from passing crew members. A couple girls giggled as they recognized whose door it was that McCoy stood in front of. McCoy promptly shot them a glare and sent them running, still giggling as they made their getaway. Sighing in frustration, he raised a fist and knocked hard. Too hard. He winced at the unnecessary amount of force he had used, but knew it was far too late to take it back.

The friendly voice that called from behind the door made no indication that the knock had been overly forceful.

"Come in!"

Gulping, McCoy opened the door and walked in. There Chapel sat on her bed, smiling softly at him. The door closed behind him, reminding him that he could no longer just turn around and run. His heart raced in his chest, but he was unsure as to why. He was simply paying his nurse a visit; there was no reason for him to be so nervous!

Instead of addressing Chapel, he decided to look around the room and get a feel for the death trap he had voluntarily walked into. The room had a distinctly feminine touch to it. Her dresser had a lace cover on it where photographs of her family sat. A small, round crystal bowl with potpourri inside of it sat on her desk and filled the room with the smell of cinnamon and spice. She had draped fabric on the wall over her bed in such a way that it gave the effect of curtains over a window. For a moment, McCoy felt like he was back at home in Georgia, which helped relax him a bit.

"Do you like what I've done with my room Doctor McCoy?" she asked, drawing his attention back to her. Flustered, he responded, "Uh, yeah, it's uh, really nice. Really…you know…nice."

Chapel laughed lightly at McCoy, causing his face to turn a bright red. "You know, if the only reason you asked me to come here was to laugh at me, I can always go back to sick bay," he said angrily. She rose quickly from the bed and clasped his hands in hers. "Oh no, please, I didn't mean to make fun of you," she said, still laughing. "I wanted to talk to you."

McCoy stared down at the soft hands that held on to his and turned slightly redder. He was suddenly very aware of the fact that his hands were somewhat sweaty and felt embarrassed that such delicate hands were touching his at the moment. When he looked at her face though, she didn't seem to notice or care that his palms were slightly moist. She was far too interested in his baby blue eyes, which he averted nervously from her gaze. What _was _it about this woman that made feel so out of sorts?

He cleared his throat, praying to God that his voice wouldn't crack and make him sound like a prepubescent teenage boy. "So, I'm here. What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" As if he couldn't tell by her behavior…

She smiled, revealing brilliant white teeth that reminded him of Kirk's smile. He felt something flutter uncomfortably in his stomach and tried to ignore it, but it persisted the longer he looked at her. When she spoke, her voice was like a song. "I wanted to talk to you about your feelings for Captain Kirk." McCoy began to protest, but she pressed a gentle finger against his lips, immediately silencing him. His heart thudded hard against his chest as he stared at her with wide eyes. "Don't talk right now, just listen, okay?" Still in shock, he simply nodded his response.

She removed her finger and took a deep breath. "I know you really care about Captain Kirk, and I know you really wish that you and he could be together like he and Spock are, but I really think you suit him best as a friend. When I look at you two together, I think of two brothers who love each other dearly, and I think that's cute."

Despite her request for him to listen and not to talk, McCoy interrupted. "If you're trying to comfort me about being rejected by Jim, you're wasting your time. I've already come to terms with their relationship and I'm attempting to move on. It's not something that can happen overnight, and I'll probably still have some lingering feelings for him, but you'll be happy to know that I've pledged my eternal friendship to the good captain. I've also promised not to get between him and Spock."

"That's wonderful!" Chapel said enthusiastically, catching McCoy off guard. She grasped his hands tightly in hers and stared at him with wide sparkling eyes. "I'm really glad to hear that Doctor. I hope this means I can go back to working side by side with you instead of working the graveyard shift." McCoy had to swallow hard to push his heart out of his throat and back into his chest. Stuttering, he said, "Y-yeah, sure. After all, you _are _learning how to be a doctor. Well uh, if that's all, then do you mind if I, uh, return to sick bay? I, um, I need to check up on Azrael again…"

Reluctantly, she let go of his hands, but continued to smile. "Of course. I didn't mean to pull you away from your duties…"

"You did no such thing," McCoy blurted out. They stared at each other for a moment, and then McCoy averted his gaze again and turned back toward the door. "I made sure Azrael was okay before I came to see you, so you don't have to worry about that."

Though he didn't see it, she nodded. She took a step forward and placed her hands on his back, laying the side of her face and her forearms against it as well. McCoy's mind raced as he felt her make such intimate contact with him. Her actions were not that of a concerned nurse, but those of a concerned lover. She grinned and laughed internally as she heard his heartbeat race.

"It's good to know I didn't distract you from your work Doctor McCoy," she said. "It wouldn't be a good example of how a doctor should behave on the job, which is crucial since I'm supposed to be learning from you."

McCoy tried to say something in response, but he seemed to have suddenly lost the ability to speak. Something about the nurse being so close to him and speaking in that beautiful voice of hers threw things off in his brain and left him unable to function properly. After several attempts, he managed to spit out, "Right, yes, well, I should get going now." He said this in hopes that she would kindly remove herself from his back since he didn't have the ability to verbalize that desire. Luckily, she took the hint and slowly pulled herself off of McCoy's back, but not before lingering there a little longer.

"I understand Doctor," she said, disappointment clear in her voice. "Will I see you at the party in the recreation room?" He turned his head and nodded silently. He then walked toward the door; he was almost free when he heard her say, "Oh, and Doctor? Perhaps you should have your heart rate checked when you get back to sick bay. It's rather high."

Not wanting to show her that he was blushing profusely, he remained facing the door and said, "Yeah, I'll make sure I do that." He quickly exited the room and stomped down the hall, thinking to himself, _And while I'm at it, I'll have my head examined. I must be going __**crazy **__if I'm falling for someone like __**her!**__"_

* * *

It was 19:03 Starfleet Regulation Time when Kirk, Spock, and Spock Prime went to the transporter room together. Scotty was already at his station, waiting for the others to arrive. Prime stopped just short of the platform and faced the young captain and his first officer.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for the festivities?" Kirk asked Prime. "We wouldn't have been able to get Spock back without your help. This celebration is as much in honor of you as for Spock." Prime politely shook his head and smiled. "The time for me to enjoy such frivolous activities has long past. I leave that up to my younger self now. Besides, I must return to the Vulcan colony. I am sure they are wondering what is taking my test flight of Ambassador Sarek's new ship so long. No doubt they believe I am going on a bit of a galactic joy ride with it."

Kirk and Prime chuckled while Spock simply gave a smirk. Prime took a moment to look at the two young men and relish the sight of them looking so happy and so natural next to each other. "I am pleased that I was able to be of assistance to the two of you, though it puzzles me how fate continues to bring us back together. Perhaps the true reason I was brought to this timeline was to act as a sort of guiding force for the two of you."

"We may never know for certain," Spock interjected. "But I will say I am most thankful for your presence, regardless of the circumstances that brought you here."

Prime decided against expressing his feelings on the matter. He knew that had he made it to Romulus on time, this alternate universe would never have existed. Time would have flowed as it was meant to for these two young men and the hardships they faced would never have existed. But at the same time, their bond would never have been formed as early in their lives as it had. It took years of working together with the Captain Kirk of his timeline before they realized their feelings for each other, and in the end, they were still kept apart. Prime wasn't able to be with Kirk when he died, something Spock never forgave himself for. But now that the course of history had been changed, perhaps these versions of himself and Jim could live their lives differently, maybe start a family and live a long happy life together in peace.

The old Vulcan stepped onto the platform and stood on a teleporter pad. He stared at the two young men one last time and gave them a smile. Raising his right hand and giving them the traditional Vulcan farewell hand sign, he said, "May you both live long and prosper together." Spock returned the hand sign and nodded. Kirk fumbled with his hand for a moment before successfully returning the hand sign as well. With a final chuckle, he nodded at Scotty, who beamed him back aboard his own ship.

The two men stared at the empty transporter pad for a moment, the events of the last few days spinning wildly through their head. Kirk clapped his hands together and rubbed them vigorously. "Well, now that Prime is back on his way to the Vulcan colony and Spock is back to himself again, let's go see what Sulu and Chekhov put together in the recreation room, huh?" He slapped Spock on the back a little too enthusiastically. The Vulcan winced in pain and shot an angry look at Kirk. Kirk withdrew his hand and said meekly, "Er, sorry Spock."

"It is fortunate that Vulcans have an especially long lifespan," Spock said, straightening out his shirt. "It may take me many years to get used to you."

From across the room, Scotty laughed heartily and walked over to the two. "Oh come now Mister Spock, don't give the Captain too much trouble! He did just risk his life ta bring ye back to yer senses."

"Yeah," Kirk said, smirking. "Don't you think I deserve a little respect? I called Prime here to help, I jumped into your mind, _and _I helped get your multiple personalities to merge with you! So come on, don't get all bent outta shape just from a slap on the back!"

Spock sighed in defeat. "Alright," he said. "I suppose I can let your over enthusiasm slide for tonight. But _only _for tonight."

Scotty smiled and clapped his hands over both Kirk and Spock's shoulders. "There, tha's tha kind o' love ah like ta see! Now get yer butts in gear men, it's time fer us ta go an' party!" Kirk and Spock watched as Scotty left the room. They grinned at each other, and then left the room, Kirk's arm around Spock's shoulders and Spock's arm around Kirk's waist.


	31. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

The recreation room had blue and gold streamers strung on every wall. Blue and yellow balloons were inflated with helium and hung in various places on the ceiling. Some were clustered and carefully placed in the corners of the room while others were allowed to float freely wherever they may roam. Speakers were set up to play music in the background as well as a handful of tables for people to sit and chat. The usual comfortable chairs had been pushed against the walls, allowing enough space for a dance floor as well.

Sulu stood behind a table covered with various hors de'oeuvers and snacks on one side of the room; next to him was Chekov behind a table with various drinks. Scotty, who had arrived long before Kirk and Spock, was piling his plate high with snacks, much to Sulu's annoyance. Chekov was barely able to swat him away from the drinks to make sure other people were able to have some. Crew members chatted amicably and danced to the party music that played in the background.

Chapel and McCoy stood together, each with a drink in their hand. Azrael had recovered to a point where he could join in the festivities, though he sat in a wheelchair since he was still too weak to walk on his own. McCoy had allowed him to eat whatever he wanted, but kept a strict eye on him to make sure he consumed not even a drop of alcohol. Azrael would have protested, but the number of female crew members that flocked to him kept him distracted. When they asked him what had happened, he lied and said that he had gotten in a fight with an unidentified humanoid life form during the exploration party. He proclaimed that if it weren't for Commander Spock, he wouldn't have survived. Luckily for him and Spock both, everyone believed him.

Uhura stood with her friends, chatting about guys and how much they sucked. They asked about Spock and she told them honestly that he had fallen in love with Kirk, who also loved him. Some were surprised, but others weren't. Her friend Valerie, who was a fellow communications officer, said she knew all along that Kirk and Spock would eventually become romantically involved. Uhura pretended like she didn't say anything to prevent herself from getting angry. She may have accepted their relationship, but she was still a bit sore about the whole ordeal.

Kirk and Spock were the last of the quests to arrive. As soon as they entered, the music stopped as they were greeted with a warm round of applause, much to their surprise. Everyone came up to them with broad smiles on their faces. Some patted them on the back, some even winked at them, but everyone seemed to be in a very positive mood.

At a loss for words, Kirk shouted over the din, "Whoa, hey, guys, what's going on?"

"What do you mean, Captain?" said Eliza, a green-eyed science officer with chestnut brown hair and ruby red lips. "We're celebrating your partnership with Mister Spock!"

Kirk and Spock looked at each other with wide eyes and jaws dropped. They immediately turned their gaze to Sulu, who simply shrugged from afar. Valerie spoke up from further back in the crowd, "We got to celebrate our new captain back at Starfleet, but we didn't know who our commanding officer would be at the time, so there's been no official party to honor you both!"

An ensign from engineering chipped in, "This is our way of showing you both that you have our full support as a crew! You've done so much in the short time we've worked together, and we want you to know how much we appreciate what all you do for us! We wish you all the best and look forward to you leading us together!"

Another round of applause ensued, followed by cheers and whistles. Kirk and Spock were so taken aback by the immense show of support from their crew that all they could do was smile in response. A security officer yelled, "Look! Spock's so happy he's actually smiling!" Laughter and cheers broke out, causing the poor Vulcan to blush a bright green.

With a plate full of food, Scotty waved his free arm and shouted, "All right, all right! Give tha boys some room! They didnae come here ta be crowded, they came here ta have a good time like tha rest of ya! Ye've shown yer support, now get back ta tha festivities!"

Still smiling, most of the crew stepped away from the captain and his first officer and returned to the enjoyment of the party as the music was resumed. Some lingered and continued to lavish the two with warm words of support and adoration, but were promptly shooed away by Scotty, who had deemed himself their bouncer for the night.

Kirk and Spock injected themselves into the crowd and engaged in typical party behavior, though Kirk's normal flirtatious charisma was taken down a few notches considering he wasn't in the market for a pretty girl. Meanwhile, Sulu and Chekov were chatting amongst themselves in a corner of the room. The amount of people wanting food and drink had waned enough were they could safely wander away without worrying that Scotty would scarf down all the food and down the drinks without anyone else having any.

Sulu shook his head at his Russian friend. "I don't see what it is you find so attractive about her, man."

"Eet ees her eyes," Chekov responded. "They are an amazing color of green! They are like emeralds! And her lips! They are red like roses! How can you not find dat attractiwe?"

"I dunno," Sulu said, shrugging. "I'm a little more interested in that communications officer."

"Which one?" Chekov asked, craning his neck.

Sulu pointed at the girl who stood talking to the security officer who had pointed out Spock's smile. The dark haired security guard stood only a couple inches taller than her because of the heels she wore. Her hair comprised of many thin braids and her skin was the color of milk chocolate.

"Why her?" Chekov asked, a confused look on his face. "She ees so plain een comparison to ze emerald eyed beauty!"

Again Sulu shook his head, this time laughing, "To an untrained eye like yours young Pavel, of _course _she's plain! You're looking for something colorful to capture your eye, but there's much more to look for in a woman! Look at her figure! She's got curves in all the right places! And her face! She's got a beautiful smile, sensual eyes, a beauty mark…" Sulu shivered. "That right there is one hell of a woman!"

Chekov smirked and said, "Eet seems ze security officer she ees speaking to agrees with you!"

Sulu watched in horror as he noticed the body language of both the security officer and the woman Sulu had his eyes on. When he took a closer look at the security officer, he recognized him. "Wait a minute, I recognize that mustache and goatee…damn it! That's Jennings! He's making a move on my girl!"

"I do not beliewe he knows that she's _your _girl Hikaru," Chekov said with a laugh.

Grumbling, Sulu craned his neck. "Alright, Valerie may be off the market, but I bet Eliza's still up for grabs."

The laugh stopped in Chekov's throat. "Hey, that's not fair! I already called 'Dibs' on her!"

It was Sulu's turn to laugh now. "All's fair in love and war, Pav!"

He rushed off to find Eliza, Chekov right behind him, not wanting him to get an advantage over him. As Sulu and Chekov raced to reach Eliza first, they passed by Scotty, who was eyeing the now unprotected drink selection. He found himself being sadly disappointed by the severe lack of whiskey. With a heavy sigh, he turned and saw that Uhura was also inspecting the drink table. Seizing the opportunity to start a conversation, he walked over to her.

"If it's a good drink yer lookin' fer lass, ye won't find it here," he said sadly.

Uhura looked at Scotty and smiled. "Yeah, I know," she said. "I figure if I look hard enough one might look appealing enough to make myself drink."

Scotty laughed and popped the last of his hors de'oeuvers into his mouth. "Ah get tha feelin' I'll be retirin' to mah quarters soon an' partakin' some _real_ alcohol. D'ya think ye might wanna join meh?"

Uhura turned around and searched the room for her friends. Each of her friends were off with some random crew member flirting, the most successful of them being Valerie, who was engaged with a security officer she didn't recognize. Sighing inwardly at her current lonely state, she faced the Scotsman who was still chewing the last of his mouthful of food. He had a hopeful look in his eyes much like a child hoping to be treated to ice cream.

Shaking her head with a smirk on her face, she looked at him and said, "Sure, why not?"

While Scotty managed not to cheer out loud, the smile on his face spoke volumes. He put his plate down, wiped his hands clean on the front of his uniform pants, and crooked his arm. Uhura slipped her arm through his and walked out of the recreation room with him. As they left the room, they passed by Kirk and Spock, who were surrounded by talkative crew members.

Though Spock was chatting enthusiastically with his fellow crew members, the fatigue he felt was beginning to show on his face. Kirk spotted this and said, "Hey Spock, you alright?"

Spock nodded sleepily. "Yes Jim, I am fine. I am just a little exhausted from the day's activities is all."

Kirk smirked. He couldn't blame the Vulcan for being tired. As usual, he had awakened before him and wondered off to do God knows what. He replied, "Well, I want to talk to you before you drift away to Dreamland, so why don't you head to my room and wait for me there? I'll wrap the party up and get things winded down here."

"Are you certain?" Spock asked. "If you wish to stay longer, I am certain I can continue to engage in social interactions."

"'Course I'm sure." The blue-eyed captain smiled. "You go to my room; I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

Spock nodded, his eyes lightly blood shot as fatigue crept through his body. Quietly excusing himself from the group of crew members that had clustered around him, he bid them a semi-formal farewell before exiting the recreation room and heading to Kirk's quarters.

Kirk finished his conversation with his fellow crew members and then excused himself as well. He took a moment to look around the recreation room and saw that many of the guests had already left. He had planned to announce the end of the party, but the guests that remained seemed to be having such a good time that he doubted anybody would miss either Spock or himself.

He turned on his heel and left the recreation room just as some ancient music from the 20th Century started playing. He shook his head in amusement, wondering who had infiltrated the ship's memory banks with _that_. Not that he minded. At least it was good music. Besides, he had something – rather some_one_ – else to think about.

The song crooned on the speakers as Kirk left the room:

_I go crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy  
You turn it on  
Then you're gone  
Yeah you drive me  
Crazy, crazy, crazy, for you baby  
What can I do, honey  
I feel like the color blue..._

The ancient song wafted through the quieting party. One girl stayed on the dance floor as others drifted off to mingle with the remaining guests. She had her eyes closed as she danced alone to the song. In one hand she held a glass of sparkling white wine, the other twisted through the air in time with the music.

Chekov and Sulu stood to the side of the dance floor, watching her quietly, though anyone who was looking at them could see they were rooted to the spot, riveted by the sight of Eliza dancing. The chase to find her had ended abruptly when they'd finally found her and now they were both trying to gather the courage to be the first to approach her.

The song finished and Eliza's green eyes opened. She saw the two men staring at her and took a sip of her wine before making her way over.

"Hello boys." She smiled, looking at them both.

Now that she was closer, they could see that her skin had somewhat of a greenish tint to it. Sulu made a mental note to find out what race she was. In the meantime, he tried to get his mouth to function.

Chekov swallowed nervously, his previous boldness evading him. He managed a shy smile at the pretty science officer. Eliza chuckled softly, taking another sip of her wine. "What's wrong, Pavel? Cat got your tongue?"

Her eyes twinkled with amusement as she finished her wine and set the glass on a table nearby. Raising her eyebrows, she laid the palm of her hand on Chekov's slack jaw and closed his mouth. "It's not polite to let your mouth hang open when you look at a lady." She smirked, winking at the flushing ensign.

Sulu watched the girl flirt with the younger man and began to feel a little left out until Eliza turned to him and smiled slightly. "Did you like my dancing, Hikaru?" She asked, her eyes twinkling again cheekily.

"Uh… yes." Sulu blushed slightly, not wanting to admit that he'd been staring at her for most of her dance. "You uh, you dance beautifully."

Eliza laughed softly and tapped his nose with a forefinger. "Well, you two are just adorable." She smirked. "It looks like the party is winding down… would either of you like to escort me back to my quarters?" She batted her eyelashes at both men. "Or perhaps you'd both like to?" She added in a breathy whisper. Sulu and Chekov exchanged a glance then resumed their star struck gaze with the woman before them.

When neither man responded, she gave a slightly amused pout and turned. "Guess I'll just go on my own then…" she murmured. Just as she was about to step out the door, she found herself flanked by the two handsome men as they raced after her. She chuckled inwardly, before smiling winningly at them both and leading them toward her quarters.

On the other side of the room, McCoy and Chapel stared in amusement at the antics of the two helmsmen. Chapel tittered lightly, swaying slightly on her feet. In her hand was a slender glass that held the slightest amount of a blue drink that she finished with a final sip.

"Isn't that cute Doctor?" she slurred. "It looks like everybody's finding someone to leave with tonight."

McCoy eyed the tipsy nurse, surprised by how quickly she had become inebriated from the sole drink she had consumed that night. Politely, he said, "Perhaps you'll need someone to escort you to your room as well. You don't look too steady on your feet and the last thing I need is my nurse coming in to sick bay as a patient."

Another chime-like giggle escaped Chapel's lips, which she covered coyly with her fingers. "Why Doctor, it sounds like you're trying to get into my bed!"

Rolling his eyes, he muttered under his breath, "Hardly."

Chapel's legs suddenly gave out under her. Luckily McCoy's hands were free, so he was able to catch her quickly before she fell to the floor. Amused looks from some of the remaining guests around them turned McCoy's face red from embarrassment. As he lifted her up and put her arm around his shoulders, he hissed, "Alright, you've had enough fun for the night. Let's go."

Spock entered the captain's room and stood in its center for a moment. It seemed an eternity since the last time he had set foot in it when it was really a matter of days. The room was unsurprisingly messy; stray articles of clothing lay in various places on the floor and furniture, the covers on the bed were wrinkled and unkempt, and an assortment of knick knacks lay on the desk. Spock shook his head at the level of disorder the room was in. He would have to make sure that Kirk did a better job of keeping his room tidy if he was expected to visit it more often.

On the desk furthest from him sat a data pad that caught his eye. When he picked it up, he recognized it instantly as his own, seeing the poem he wrote during shore leave written in Vulcan. He pondered whether or not Kirk had read it, but paid it no mind. After all, he and Kirk were now in a relationship, so his reading it would be of no consequence now.

Placing the data pad back on the table, he moved toward the bed and straightened out the sheets on it, sitting down once he was done. A long yawn escaped his lips as fatigue washed over him. Patting the pillow at the head of the bed, he lay down upon it and closed his eyes. Surely the captain wouldn't be much longer, so taking the opportunity to rest his eyes for a bit would be fine.

By the time Kirk finally made it to his room, Spock was sound asleep. Kirk sighed and smiled, shaking his head at the snoozing Vulcan. It hadn't even been twenty minutes since he left the recreation room, yet there he was asleep on Kirk's bed.

Kirk walked over to his sleeping beauty and softly kissed his brow. Though the kiss was gentle, the Vulcan proved to only be sleeping lightly, as his eyes opened the moment Kirk moved away from him. In a weary voice, he called out to him.

"Jim...I apologize. It was not my intention to fall asleep before you could arrive..."

"Nonsense," Kirk said with a warm smile. "You looked like you were about to drop when you left the recreation room. I'm not surprised that you fell asleep. Besides, I can wait until tomorrow to tell you what I wanted to say."

Spock was now fully alert again. He sat up on the bed and looked at Kirk curiously. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

Kirk took a seat next to Spock and placed a hand on his thigh. "First, I wanted to apologize for the things I said on the bridge during the Nero incident. I never did apologize for that, and after what we went through, I don't want that to linger in your mind. It was so easy for me to say those things without really knowing you, but now…" He sighed. "I know better now. I know how you feel about your mother. I know that you_ feel. _And I'm sorry for saying what I did, regardless of why I did it."

Spock looked at Kirk in disbelief. Surely that wasn't something he was still concerned about? He thought it had been made clear that his actions were a necessity for the situation. Then he remembered their argument just before they confessed to each other. Spock had brought Kirk's actions up and thrown it in his face that he never apologized for it. It occurred to him that with the recent events, Kirk probably wanted to clear the air about it officially to put both of their minds at ease.

In a quiet voice, Spock said, "I forgive you Jim. I realize you only said those things in order to gain control of the Enterprise and save both the Earth and the Federation. I should also apologize for attacking you as I did. While my violent reaction was what you were aiming to elicit, I still regret bringing you harm."

Kirk smirked. "Don't worry about it. If I were in your shoes, I probably would've belted me long before you did."

The two smiled at each other for a moment until Kirk turned his head. He felt his heart racing in his chest and couldn't help but chuckle at himself. With all that had happened in the last three weeks, he had to remind himself that he and Spock hadn't really been together for all that long. The butterflies that fluttered in his stomach were a reminder that he was still very new to this whole 'love' thing.

"You know," he began, breaking the silence, "when you lost control of yourself in the brig, I realized something. You mean more to me than anything else in my life, even more than the Enterprise herself. I know I put my life on the line a lot, but I usually do it when I think it's possible for everyone to come out alive. When I went into your subconscious with Prime, I didn't have that security. I was seriously risking my life to save you...and if I had the chance, I'd do it again."

"Jim..." Spock could feel emotion swelling up in him, but Kirk didn't give him the chance to express it. He continued, "I've never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life. I've never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. Spock…" Kirk turned his head and looked deep into Spock's eyes. "I really, really do love you."

"I...I love you too Jim," Spock said, feeling his throat become tight. He swallowed hard and said, "I apologize for my actions earlier today. You know I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you or anyone else. But now that I am one with Gabriel, I can see what it was he was thinking when he did those things. He was...I was threatened by your relationship with McCoy and the fact that he loves you. Even if he hides it now for our sake, I still sense that love within him. I was, and still am, afraid that someone will take you away from me."

Kirk shook his head and took Spock's hands in his. "You don't have to worry about that, not now, not ever. I am yours, and you are mine. There will never be anyone that can change that. I...I want to be with you and only you. Always."

He leaned forward and kissed Spock sweetly on the lips. Spock reciprocated the kiss fully, removing his hands from Kirk's grasp and cradling his face with them. Kirk moved his now free hands and wrapped them around Spock's waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. They fell backwards on the bed and intertwined their bodies, anxious to close any gaps between them.

They broke this kiss only to fill their lungs with air. Lust and want were in both of their eyes as they stared at each other. Kirk smirked and asked, "Are you too tired for a little bit of fun?" Spock rolled on top of Kirk, straddling him. He removed his tunic and undershirt in one fluid motion and threw it behind him. With a smirk, he replied, "You are most fortunate, _Captain_; I just got my second wind."

* * *

Uhura marveled at Scotty's room. She felt as if she had been teleported to Scotland the moment she stepped foot inside of it. Pictures of Scottish landscapes hung from the walls; Scotty's formal uniform, complete with kilt, hung from an open armoire against the back wall. Scotty walked over to the armoire and pulled out a drawer at the bottom of it. From the drawer he pulled out a large bottle of whiskey with a white label on it. Old English printed the spirit's brand name across it. She wasn't familiar with the brand, but if Scotty had a bottle that size of it, it must be good.

"This whiskey was given ta meh by mah great-great-grandfather when I joined Starfleet," Scotty said, holding the bottle much like a proud father would hold his first born son. "It's a hundred an' fifteh-two years old. Ah haven't touched a drop o' it since ah got it. Wanted ta save it fer a special occasion." He carefully unwrapped the plastic covering on the top of the bottle and unscrewed the cap, which he sniffed much like a wine connoisseur would sniff a freshly popped cork. Giving a dreamy sigh, he grabbed one of the empty glasses that sat on his dresser and poured a glass for Uhura. She promptly took the glass from him so that he could grab and pour another glass for himself.

Scotty raised his glass to Uhura and smiled. "Here's ta true appreciation o' fine spirits." Smirking, Uhura raised her glass and clinked it against Scotty's. They drank from their glasses in unison, holding the whiskey in their mouths for a moment before letting it glide down their throats. Uhura felt the familiar burn in her chest as the whiskey made its way to her stomach. The whiskey was strong, but its age mellowed it out and allowed it to go down smoothly. The rich flavor made her tongue tingle, eliciting a smile from her face.

"Good, innit?" Scotty asked, eyeing the beautiful smile on Uhura's lips. Uhura nodded at Scotty and said, "Yeah, it's really good. A little on the strong side, but I like it that way."

A grin spread on Scotty's face when he heard Uhura say the magic words to his heart. Noticing that she had drank a sizable amount of the whiskey he had poured for her he offered to pour her some more. She placed her glass under the open bottle's mouth and happily took the healthy amount of whiskey he poured.

Without missing a beat, she downed the entire glass in one gulp. Scotty stared at her with eyes that rivaled the size of the bottle's bottom. The grin on his face grew wider as she said, "I'm no lightweight when it comes to alcohol. If you want to enjoy your whiskey, you better drink faster."

Feeling an indecent tingle below his waist, he threw back the whiskey he had planned to savor and poured himself another glass. He raised his glass and smiled. "Looks like it's goin' ta be a long night!"

* * *

Azrael rolled his wheelchair down the hall as he left the recreation room. After Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel left, he partook of a couple of drinks, but sadly there wasn't much left by the time he was able to grab a glass. His head had a pleasant fuzziness to it though, so it wasn't a total loss.

As he rolled down the hall, he passed by the captain's quarters. From behind the closed door, he heard a muffled but very audible shout. "_OOH!_"

He stopped in the center of the hall and stared at the door in horror. His face had gone completely pale from hearing the shout which clearly came from the Captain, but instantly turned red when he heard the shouting continue. "_OH GOD, YES! AAH! AAH! OH SPOOOOCK!"_

With a face redder than the shirt on his back, Azrael faced the hall before him and continued his journey back to sick bay, wishing his wheelchair had warp speed to get him there faster. He wanted to pretend he hadn't heard anything and that the alcohol was just playing tricks on his ears, but knew that what had been heard could not be unheard.

* * *

What would have easily been a five minute walk to Chapel's room had turned into a fifteen-minute battle with the intoxicated nurse. Though she was definitely light enough for McCoy to lift her off her feet and walk her without interruption, he had elected to drag her very limp and very tipsy body the entire way. His punishment for doing so was being forced to constantly stop and "wait for her legs to work" or to redirect her when she starting flailing and singing, which apparently she couldn't do while she walked. By the time they had arrived at her door, he was half tempted just to let her try and crawl into her room on her own, but the Southern gentleman in him prevented him from doing so.

Luckily, it seemed like arriving at her room gave her the strength to stand on her own. She spun around to face McCoy and grin madly at him. She continued to giggle at some unsaid joke that only she knew the punch line for.

"Doctor McCoy, won't you join me in my quarters tonight?" she said, swaying dangerously on her feet. "It gets so lonely in there."

Stone faced, McCoy said, "No Nurse Chapel, I don't believe I will."

Chapel balled her hands into tight little fists and stomped her feet. "Quit callin' me Nurse Chapel! I told you to call me Christine! Is it that hard for you to understand?" She flung her arms around him and said, "Come oooooon, call me Christiiiiiine! Pretty pleeeease?"

Her attempt at being cute and sweet was counteracted by the smell of alcohol on her breath. Turning his head, McCoy politely removed her arms from around his neck and stood her up on her feet. In a very clinical voice, he said, "It wouldn't be professional."

She pouted, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. "You don't like me, do you?"

McCoy sighed in frustration. All he wanted to do was drop her off and go back to his room to sleep. Why couldn't this be simple? "Listen, this has nothing to do with whether I like you or not! Now you're a nice girl and I think you're pretty and all, but I just got rejected by my best friend and I'm still recovering from the woman that took me for everything I had, only to come back and try to take even more from me! I'm damaged goods! Why are you so damned interested in me? Are you looking for a charity case or are you looking for someone to pull the wool over their eyes?"

The tear that formed at Chapel's eye fell down her face. In a sad yet sincere voice, she said, "No…I'm interested in you because I know that underneath that rocky exterior is a sensitive guy that's dying for the chance to be loved, and I thought I could be the one to love him…"

That was the moment that McCoy felt the bottom of his boot touch the inside of his throat. If he had put his foot any further in his mouth, the sole of his shoe would be melting away from his stomach acid. He covered his brow with his hand and rubbed hard. Did he _really_ want to go through all this again?

"I'm sorry to have bothered you, Doctor," she said sadly. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow…"

She turned to her door and was just about to open it when McCoy grabbed her wrist. "Now wait just a minute. I'm not about to leave you on a bad note like this." She turned back to face him, her beautiful blue eyes sparkling with tears still unshed. Something pulled at McCoy's heart strings when he saw her eyes filled with sadness. Defeated, he sighed. "Listen, I'm in no condition to try and fall in love again so soon, but maybe, just _maybe_, with enough time, I might be willing to give things a try between us, but _only _if you give me some space to recuperate! You think you can do that?"

A small smile appeared on Chapel's lips. She nodded and said, "For you, anything." Leaning forward and tilting her head up, she placed the softest of kisses on McCoy's cheek. She pulled her hand through McCoy's grip and squeezed his hand gently. In a whisper soft voice, she said, "Good night Doctor."

Turning around, she opened her door and walked rather unsteadily into her room. When the door closed behind her, McCoy's hand drifted to the spot on his cheek where she had kissed him. For a kiss that had been feather soft, it lingered like no other kiss he had felt. He smirked and shook his head. _That woman is going to be the death of me, _he thought to himself as he turned down the hall and made his way to his own room.

* * *

Scotty and Uhura sat on the floor of Scotty's room, their backs against his bed. The bottle of whiskey was completely empty, the last of its contents being downed by Uhura. They had split the bottle fifty-fifty, but it was clear that Uhura was affected on a greater level than Scotty was. He lifted the bottle and inspected the label. When he saw the small "90 proof" at the bottom of the label and took into account the increased potency of 152 years of aging mixed with the very thin frame of the woman who drank it, he was surprised he wasn't rushing Uhura to sick bay for alcohol poisoning.

"An' den she said it wuz jus a matter o' time 'til Spock an' Kirk hooked up!" Scotty was realizing that Uhura was either a very chatty drunk or had a lot on her chest that the alcohol was letting out. "Ah di'nt say anyt'in, but ah wuz pissed! Even if she'z right, dat don' mean ah wanna herr it, ya know?"

"Aye, ah know," Scotty responded half heartedly. He couldn't blame her for spilling her guts to him, especially with so much alcohol coursing through her veins, but it didn't change the fact that he wasn't exactly thrilled to hear her go on about how she and Spock should still be together.

"But ta hell wit it, ya know? Ah'm a beyudaful woman. Ah'm shmart, ah'm hot, an' any guy who'z straight will be lucky ta haf meh!" She laughed madly and wrapped her arms around Scotty. She looked up at him and smiled. "Ya know, ye're pretty cute."

Scotty's slightly rosy cheeks turned red when he heard Uhura call him cute. "Me?" he said, unable to conceal the surprise in his voice. "Ye think _ah'm _cute?"

Giggling, Uhura nodded. "Uh huuuuh! Ye're reeeeeeeally cute." She pinched his nose and shook it for emphasis. "Ah dunno why ah never saw it b'fore though. Guess ah wuz too busy looking at Spock's pointy-eared ass…" She hiccupped and grinned widely at Scotty, who was now beet red.

"Ah wish…ah wish ah had fallin' in luff wit you Scotty," she said. Scotty was now so red they could have used his face as a light bulb for the red alert. "Ye're a really great guy, ya know? Ye're strong n' handsome n' sweet…" She put her head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck.

Scotty's eyes darted around him. He couldn't believe this was happening! Well, he could; after all, she was far beyond just plastered at this point. Even so, he never expected her to hit on him! He figured that she went for the silent and composed intellectual type since she was into Spock, and while he was extremely intelligent, he was far from silent and composed!

With a shaky voice, Scotty said, "Uhm, look, Uhura, ah'm very flattered an' all, but ye just got out o' a relationship with Mister Spock. It wouldn't be proper ta just pluck ya up so soon. Ye need time ta heal an' all that. Don' get meh wrong, ye're a bonnie lass and ah'd be lucky ta have half a chance with ye, but…"

Scotty's flustered rant was cut off mid-sentence by the sound of Uhura snoring softly. He pulled her back just enough to see her face and saw her eyes were shut. It was likely that she hadn't heard a single word he had said, which might have been for the better. He blew a sigh of relief then scooped her up in his arms. Standing up carefully with the snoozing woman in his arms, he laid her gently on his bed and covered her with the flannel comforter. He took a moment to gaze at her as she slept, smiling at how peaceful she looked. Brushing her ponytail away from her face, he kissed her gently on the cheek.

Straightening himself out, he walked over to the couch near the back of his room and sat down on it. He was now very glad he had brought his favorite couch back from Scotland after the shore leave ended. It was a pain getting it into his room, but now that he found himself using it as a bed he praised himself for his foresight. He lay back on the couch, shifted his body until he got into a comfortable position, and then promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Kirk's head rested on Spock's chest. The two lay naked in the bed, sticky with sweat and spent bodily fluids. Normally the two would shower after a romp in the bedroom, but both were so exhausted they had just enough energy to readjust their position on the bed so that body parts didn't dangle off the side. The soft sounds of the two men snoozing filled the air. It had been a long and arduous day, and they had more than earned a long rest.

End of Complexity


	32. Afterword

**Afterword**

Whoo! What a ride! I had an incredible amount of fun writing Complexity! I hope everyone enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! As always, thanks so very, VERY much to everyone who followed the story, and extra thanks to those who favorited it! Special thanks go out to spawnofcupcakes who is watching me on and Banbi-V for giving me new ideas for the story that I hadn't considered before! Extra special super awesome love goes to Risty Maskell who's become my Spirk buddy on MSN! :D She's helped keep me motivated to write whenever I hit a slump and kept me laughing too!

I know a lot of you are sad that the story is over, but it's not! In fact, it's only just begun! After all, Kirk and Spock have finally ironed out the kinks in the relationship, right? The next super long story will be called Eternity. I'll begin posting it on the 1st of August (in the US, it might be more like the 2nd elsewhere) to give me time to build up a buffer so I'm not racing to finish a chapter minutes before bed. There'll most likely be a short fic or two that's not related to the story posted before then, so keep your eyes out!

Thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed the story. You're the reason I keep writing! If you wish to continue discussing the fic, check for updates, or just chat with each other about Spirk and/or Pinto, visit the forum I created: .net/myforums/Chicapanzy/120477

Until Eternity!  
Chicapanzy (Audrey)


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